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Red Pill Theory“I’ve been hurt in the past.” (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by TRP VanguardArchwinger

I used to meet a lot of women who allegedly loved me more than any man they’d ever had previously, but went to great lengths to never, ever have sex with me. They weren’t virgins; many had quite the history with men. But I still never got anywhere. Their reasoning was grounded in woman-logic: "I've been hurt by a lot of assholes in the past, and I really care about you, so I want to do this right" or some variation of that.

If you’re a loser, upon hearing that, you’ll think to yourself, “Oh, joy! I’m totally not an asshole, and she notices that and is rewarding me with a real [non-sexual] relationship instead of a shallow one that’s going to fail! I’m so lucky! I’ll wait forever for such a wonderful person! I should find something nice to do for her right now to let her know how grateful I am!”

Here's how that woman-logic sounds to a real guy: "Other men worse than you have gotten farther with me, in less time, with less of an emotional and financial investment. But because I care more about you, I am making you jump through hoops and making you spend a greater amount of time and resources to get less far with me. Because I care more about you. What? Why are you looking at me like that? This makes perfect sense. Yes, giving less to people I care about more makes sense."

Here's what the girl really means: "I've pegged you for a chump. I don't think you have options with other women, and I don't think you're willing to walk away, so I'm going to frame this relationship on my terms. We fuck when I want to, and that's going to be after I've made you jump through a bunch of hoops to prove you're my little compliant bitch who's going to give me all the time, resources, and validation I want, at will. If you were a real man, you’d have fucked me already, but I’ve cast you for the role of bitch. I don’t care about you. I care about me. I don’t even like you. Sex is reserved for real men. You’re not a real man. You’re my bitch.”

Here’s the kicker: Most women don’t know that they really mean this. They just know that the validation feels good, and that a guy who keeps validating them without sex makes them feel powerful, happy, and better about themselves. When any woman hears the line of girl logic, “I’ve been hurt in the past,” it makes perfect sense to them – she’s screwed up by giving it up too easily before and wants to stop screwing up. By stop screwing up, they mean that she needs to do a better job of withholding sex to bait men into doing shit for her to earn it. They don’t know they mean that, but that’s what they mean.

Only in the eyes of a woman does it make sense to give less to a man that you love more. But that’s the rationalization kicking in. If a woman is giving you less, and making you do more for it, that’s the exact opposite of loving you more. Being stingy with affection is the opposite of love. Requiring an exchange of favors rather than just giving of yourself is the opposite of love.

It’s a difficult truth to admit and to accept, not just for us, but for women, too. I think on some level, they want to love that nice guy who’s going out of his way for them, but they just don’t. They can’t. But they tell themselves that they do, and that they’re just taking it slow to avoid getting hurt like they have in the past. Because they love him more. And if things don’t work out, he’s still a great guy – the chemistry just wasn’t there. And if they slip up and screw some hot guy from work, it was a mistake. They don’t love that guy. They love the nice guy, don’t they? They were just drunk.

“I’ve been hurt in the past and want this to be different,” is nothing more than an insidious shit test. By complementing you, telling you that you’re different from every other guy, that you’re not an asshole or a douche, and that she loves you more than every previous man, you’re off-guard when in combination with all of that praise, she denies you sex. Because she loves you more.


[–]Endorsed ContributorLastRevision 129 points130 points  (31 children)

"I think on some level, they want to love that nice guy who’s going out of his way for them, but they just don’t."

Replace "nice guy" with husband and the amount of guys blindsided by this would be truly shocking.

A relationship/"I love you" is not something static; at best it is a weak verbal contract being assessed and reassessed daily, whether you are aware of that or not.

[–]heist_of_saint_graft 46 points47 points  (10 children)

A relationship/"I love you" is not something static; at best it is a weak verbal contract being assessed and reassessed daily, whether you are aware of that or not.

The hardest part of TRP for me to swallow. I swear as soon as I heard that "I love you" I let my guard down. "She loves me! I can be my real self!" The hard work was only beginning. Needless to say, I crashed and burned each time I got into an LTR, despite holding most of the cards at the outset.

[–]zernoise 13 points14 points  (5 children)

The "I love you" part is def the hardest part. I go from a professional heavy weight boxer to an average Joe getting beaten on by a professional heavy weight boxer.

[–]bleh321 4 points5 points  (4 children)

Heh it's okay to display some betatude once the "I love you" messages start flying.

To me everytime a girl gives me the "I love you" she is looking for some reassurance. I would rarely ever initiate a "I love you" - give your woman the opportunity and pleasure of giving her emotional world to you

[–]heyarnold 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"She loves me! I can be my real self!" The hard work was only beginning.

You should get to the point where maintaining yourself isn't "hard work", so when some woman says she loves you, there is no "letting your guard down". Staying healthy/working out/etc are not things you do to get women, you do those things for yourself.

[–]torrentialtomato 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To me, it seems more of a mindset. When I was in between marriages, I was RP without realizing it. If by the second or third date, no sex? Then goodbye. Starting being demanding or nagging? Then goodbye. I always had several plates spinning, and an abundance mentality.

But when I settled down and married (either time), it was all about satisfying and making my wife happy. In both marriages, I married high-maintenance, hard-to-satisfy women. Why the hell did I do this? My only excuse is that I didn't know any better. Geez, what I sucker I am. The divorce from my first marriage has just about bankrupted me. My second marriage is on shaky ground and I will lose my house if we split apart. But I don't see it lasting long term.

Two strikes and I'm done. I'm never going to remarry if this second marriage ends. Something happens to my head when I'm decide to marry someone.

Reminds me of the old joke:

Me: Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I hit my head with a hammer!!

Doctor: Don't hit your head with a hammer anymore.

[–]HeadingRed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Did that a couple of times. Finally learned. Never say it first. Get your guard up when she says it. Have your response ready. After a couple of weeks you need to think about this- she will say it one day and you can't be tongue tied here.

Or just say no and walk on. Either way, you need a responseaction plan.

[–]a_chill_bro 60 points61 points  (8 children)

"Marriage (an LTR) is no insulation from the sexual marketplace."

-Tomassi

[–]angryadult 40 points41 points  (6 children)

Married men need RP more than single men. It's too fucking easy to fall into the trap of the comfortable loser. I mean, if you go and work out, dress well, keep up your confidence, what's the worst that can happen? You go back on the market as a hot commodity. The best case is that she realizes she needs to up her game (working out, dressing up, makeup, sex) to keep you around, because there will be plenty of women willing to vulture you.

[–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (4 children)

what's the worst that can happen?

You lose 50% of your possessions, the house, alimony and child support payments, she tells your boss and all your friends that you raped her...

[–]lillojohn 5 points6 points  (1 child)

That is in your country.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yes, yes it is.

[–]1rp-oldgame 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is truth. You have to keep your game up in any ltr, especially marriage.

[–]Endorsed ContributorLastRevision 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Even worse is a post-wall woman clinging to a beta-husband whom she resents yet cannot escape. This is the source of every "marriage is hell" stereotype while simultaneously providing the appearance of NAWALT.

[–]1kick6 23 points24 points  (8 children)

it is a weak verbal contract being assessed and reassessed daily

That's just it. It's not a statement, it's an assessment. A women's love is based on her need of a man. When she says "I love you" she's really saying "I still need you...do you need me?" But women don't want a man that needs them.

Most chocolate-covered shit test ever created.

[–]Sabarot 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Patrice O'Neal has a fantastic breakdown of this dynamic. If we can keep this in our heads we'll be ok

[–]winnnnnnnnn 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Ugh fxckkkkkk I've been red pill for a long time but please fckk don't let this be true. Talk about a bitter taste. I'd rather take my vitamins then get sick tho so fuck it.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (2 children)

It's true, but see this article -- women prefer a man who has more important things going on than her. The emotional pressure of being the center of a man's world is totally crushing to a woman.

[–]Tyger-Tyger 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think everybody in their right mind would prefer that. Being the center of anyone's world becomes a burden very fast.

[–]torrentialtomato 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That article is gold. Thank you for posting the link.

[–]adamlikesprettygirls 1 point2 points  (0 children)

WUHsorrybroifeelyourpain:(

[–]∞ Mod | RP Vanguardbsutansalt 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I'm a fan of Roissy/Heartiste's 3/2 rule. For every 3 texts, "I love you", etc she gives you, you give her 2 back. It tracks right to the #1 rule of relationships: the person who needs the other person the least controls the relationship. It's all about frame control and "having hand".

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That last part is a life-changing quote.