Womanese-to-English Translator

Online translator services are really helpful in a pinch when you’re overseas, but what do you do when you’re talking with a woman who speaks your language? American women speak English, at least syntactically and grammatically, but the meanings of their words and sentences often mislead as much as inform. After all, if women said what they meant and spoke clearly and honestly, wining and dining them with all-expenses paid dates would be a thing of the past. You’d know within a few minutes whether she was going to put out for you or not. And if she was interested in sex, you’d know exactly how to proceed to ensure it happened.

So for those times when you actually care what a woman says to you — i.e., those times you’re talking with an attractive young babe you want to crotch smash — your life (and sanity) would be immeasurably improved if you had a Womanese-to-English translator at your instant disposal. Imagine the following conversation:

YOU: Hi, can I buy you a drink?

HER: Sure!

YOU: Cool.

HER: Thanks. [drinks up, eyes room, alpha male pops up out of nowhere and she leaves with him, laughing all the way]

YOU: fuck.

Now this is how the above conversation would go if you had a Chateau Heartiste Womanese-to-English Translator on hand:

YOU: Hi, can I buy you a drink? [turns on W/E Translator, patent pending]

HER: Sure, I won’t turn down a freebie, but it will hurt your chances to have sex with me.

YOU: Nah, I changed my mind. I won’t buy you a drink.

HER: So… you seem kind of interesting. New around here?

See how your life would be so much better with the W/E Translator at your side? Here’s another sample conversation that many of you will encounter in the course of your pickup career:

YOU: I collect walking sticks. Come, let’s go to my place. I’ll show you my collection.

HER: Ok, but nothing’s going to happen tonight.

YOU: [dejected face] oh, ok. Well, can I get your number?

HER: [gives fake number]

Feel like a lah-hooo-ser? You should. But you don’t need to ever feel that way again with the W/E Translator (patent pending, internationally copyrighted)! How would the above conversation have turned out when run through the W/ET for accuracy?

YOU: I collect walking sticks. Come, let’s go to my place. I’ll show you my collection. [turns on W/ET]

HER: Ok, but nothing’s going to happen tonight if you give up trying.

YOU: [smug face] Don’t worry, I won’t.

HER: [takes your arm]

Beautiful love, with an assist from the W/E Translator. Can a price be put on such a product? It can’t, but now you can have it for the low low price of $49.99, an infinity dollars-minus-$49.99 savings! You’d be crazy to pass up this opportunity.

More game-changing, dick-wetting, money-saving, sanity-sparing magic, courtesy of the W/ET:

Before W/E Translator

YOU: [making bedroom move on your wife]

HER: [turns over] I have a headache tonight. Maybe another time.

After W/E Translator

YOU: [making bedroom move on your wife]

HER: [turns over] Can’t do it. My vagina is still sore from fucking my boss.

Before W/E Translator

HER: When are you going to dust the cat hair balls like I asked?

YOU: Sorry, honey, I forgot. I’ll get right to it.

HER: Nevermind, I already did it. You obviously don’t care.

YOU: What?! Of course I care about you! Where did this come from?

HER: Just forget about it. I’ll be at the spa.

After W/E Translator

HER: When are you going to stick up for yourself and say no to me?

YOU: So this is what you mean. I get it now.

HER: My complaint about the cat hair balls is really a passive-aggressive taunt directed at your repulsive feeble betatude.

YOU: It’s refreshing to know how you really feel instead of making me read between the lines.

HER: I’ll be filing for divorce in less than a year.

***

Since I doubt your woman will stop talking anytime soon, the W/E Translator is useful in every situation. Just read these typical obfuscating female words and watch them transform right before your eyes into distilled truth.

HER: I don’t deserve you.

W/ET: Treat me like shit if you want to get in my pants.

HER: I’d rather not corrupt an innocent man.

W/ET: Your inexperience with women is a turn-off.

HER: I’m not nearly as nice of a person as you are.

W/ET: I’m really nice to jerks, but I won’t be nice to you.

HER: I’m a bit too immature to appreciate a guy like you.

W/ET: Call me in ten years after I’ve ridden the cock carousel and my looks have taken a hit.

Act now, and we’ll throw in the bonus W/E Nonverbal Translator! Just hold it up to visually record your girlfriend or wife, and receive a verbal confirmation of her real state of mind.

HER: [scarfs down ice cream]

YOU: [activates W/ENT]

W/ENT: “This ice cream is more exciting to me than your dick.”

***

HER: [parks her fat ass on a sofa to watch The View]

YOU: [point W/ENT at her]

W/ENT: “I no longer feel motivated to please you because you are an uninspiring beta herb.”

Amazing stuff! And guess what? The W/ET even has a super secret algorithm that can tell which words women speak are truthful. That’s right, it knows what needs translating, and what doesn’t! When a woman says something unexpectedly candid, the W/ET flashes a green light. That’s green light for “go to your nearest chapel and profess your belief in a higher being, ESP, and Bigfoot”.

HER: You’re too safe and predictable for me.

W/ET: *green light*

HER: You’re giving me too much power and I resent it.

W/ET: *green light*

HER: I wish you’d stop doing as I say because you logically figure it’s how to avoid a crushing break-up.

W/ET: *green light*

There’s even a setting that allows you to program the W/ET so that the closer a woman comes to speaking the unadulterated truth, the brighter the green light shines in your face.

HER: My vagina burns for violent sexual adventures with an emotionally opaque, aloof badboy who makes me a little scared for my life.

W/ET: *GREEN LIGHT GREEN LIGHT GREEN LIGHT*

Sold yet? You should be! $49.99 will give you such a massive competitive advantage over every other man it’s a wonder this product isn’t ILLEGAL! Buy now before the divorce lawyers find a way to classify the W/E Translator as Schedule I contraband! (Operators and coping therapists standing by.)





Comments


  1. on September 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm Days of Broken Arrows

    “The United States government had nothing to do with this video. We absolutely reject its content and message,” Hillary Clinton.

    Translation:

    My vagina wants to be with the winning team not the Beta losers — like all women — so go tough guys! And down with the losers!

    Like


  2. Should come with a shock function for every red light. Keeps the cows thruthful.

    Liked by 1 person


  3. Creative.

    Like


  4. too true!

    Like


  5. Getting me one for Christmas. The iphone 5 can go fuck itself.

    Like


    • Yeah you know what – if there was a way to release this as an iPhone or android App, I would totally be there buying it immediately!!! Countess times have aI had conversations with mates when I say what happened guys – relay the conversation and they then perform a translation like this that leaves me going “Oh! Right. Shit.” 🙂

      Like


  6. Shut up and take my money!

    Like


  7. LOL dont do it youll forever lose whatever glimmer of hope you have for women being anything but guided by their pussies

    Like


  8. O/T:

    Bernanke tells income-seeking investors to f-off and accept his Bernankified Dollars instead.

    “Fed Chairman Bernanke is currently at the podium at his post-FOMC press conference, at which he just offered a nod to the problems faced by fixed-income investors at a time when the Fed continues to suppress interest rates. Bernanke acknowledges that investors are facing low returns as a result, but that the low rates needed to sustain a recovery and strengthen the economy help home prices and households and businesses alike, and that “healthy investments cannot be sustained in a weak economy.” Mr. Chairman says that while low interest rates clearly bear some costs for investors, “Americans will ultimately benefit” from this no-rate regime.”

    Like


  9. Right, may as well save costs on the green light because the truth aint hardly never coming out a female’s mouth.

    Like


  10. “You are the nicest man I’ve ever met” = “You are the weakest man I’ve ever met”

    “It’s not you, it’s me” = “It’s not me, it’s you.”

    I like the drink one especially since I can take it to a sarcastic tone…I think from now on if I ask a girl “Can I buy you a drink?”. She says “Yes”. I’ll just say “Thanks, I wanted to know if I still had the ability.” That would make a better opener than just buying the drink.

    Like


  11. Plus I remember reading about when guys neg each other…they know they don’t mean it. When chicks compliment each other…they know they don’t mean it.

    So guess what happens when she starts complimenting you, or when you compliment her.

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  12. Isn’t the ice cream one common knowledge? That’s basic biology right there.

    Like


  13. prime post man. long ago, you wrote “a complaining woman is a woman in love.” so what is the correct W/E translation of a woman playfully saying “I’ll be damned if you’ve ever said something nice about me.”

    Like


  14. “Naomi Wolf finally accepts that a woman’s most valuable asset is her vagina. bit.ly/Qde7vh The Feminist Borg won’t like this.”

    That was an unreadable piece of crap. Can’t we just stop caring about what those bitches think or write?

    Like


    • You ALWAYS need to know what your enemies are up to! Don’t be stupid.

      Like


      • Newsflash: Our enemies won, more than 120 years ago.
        Now we either perfect our looting skills, or die of an impotent rage at what’s going on. There’s nothing we can do and we all know it.
        I enjoy the fembot-bashing once in a while, but there was nothing noteworthy about that tweeted article.

        Like


      • “There’s nothing we can do?”

        I do plenty. You take it like a prison bitch.

        Like


      • An impressive blog you got there.

        Like


    • Before W/E Translator:

      “Dopamine is what I call the ultimate feminist neurotransmitter”

      After W/E Translator:

      “DURRRRR. A scientist tried to explain neurotransmitters to me and I couldn’t understand what he was saying.”

      Before W/E Translator:

      “Most powerful to me of all of this transformative information is the fact that I now know how powerfully the vagina affects female consciousness, confidence, risk-taking and autonomy. These insights answer so many questions. Rather that asking “why the vagina? Why now?”, I am now more inclined to ask: why the repressive patriarchal silence about such important information?”

      After W/E Translator:

      “Most powerful to me of all of this transformative information is the fact that I now know the vagina is connected to the brain via something called the ‘nervous system.’ Because I didn’t know this before the only reasonable conclusion is that the patriarchy must have been hiding this information from all womyn. Those dastards. But I’ve written a book about it, and even though it’s being torn apart by critics because it contains about as much science as a shampoo commercial, I feel much more empowered now.”

      It works!

      Like


    • The new science has established a radically new insight: that there is such a strong brain-vagina connection in women that many of the neuroscientists whom I interviewed called it “a single system”.

      like!

      girl: why can’t you love me for my mind?
      guy: i’m loving your mind every time i fuck you

      girl: why did you cum inside me?
      guy: it’s brain food

      Like


  15. Scroll to the last page. Obesity among white women has plateaued and perhaps fallen slightly (within error). Men and nonwhite women continue to get fatter.

    http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/obesity_adult_09_10/obesity_adult_09_10.pdf

    Like


  16. What happens when an entire nation of men goes beta and imports foreign invaders at the same time, Finland edition:

    http://irishsavant.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/this-is-at-helsinki-university.html

    Like


    • HER: Ok, but nothing’s going to happen tonight if you give up trying.

      That has always been my number one mistake. Giving up too quickly.

      Like


    • “The final solution to the white problem”.

      Like


      • To be fair, the few attractive white women in the room are in a tight little group in the foreground. Both white women who are flirting or making out with the blacks have black hair, and may be foreign (Muslim perhaps — at least I hope).

        The specimen in the bottom left corner looks like she’s either attracted to other women or to blacks, so it’s obvious why she’s there. Heh.

        Like


      • Wrong. All over Europe there are special clubs where white girls go to get together with black men. Their friends, mothers and grandmothers encourage this behavior, since its “ok” to fuck blacks. It’s “not ok” to fuck white guys, then you are a slut. Weird way of thinking, but it’s how they think.

        Like


      • It’s become less and less “special clubs” and more and more a regular phenomenon in Finland, but the picture in the blog is probably still a lot closer to the “special club” scenario, definitely not a regular scene at the University of Helsinki (which I am an alumnus and current grad student of).

        Unfortunately some people thought that importing an illiterate, culturally and religiously utterly incompatible underclass from Somalia would be a great idea (somalis have a ~93 % unemployment rate, with practically all of the employed ones being somali-finnish interpreters funded by the govt). Happily, for the moment, they don’t really compete for the same pussy resources with me, with them getting the white trash chicks whose idea of alpha is a black drug dealer, and I having access to the ones who see it as a high-powered lawyer/lobbyist. 😛

        p.s. What you call liberal bullshit (what I’d call leftist bullshit – the local political spectrum exist in two dimensions, left and right and liberal and conservative) lives strong here.

        Like


      • “Happily, for the moment, they don’t really compete for the same pussy resources with me, with them getting the white trash chicks whose idea of alpha is a black drug dealer, and I having access to the ones who see it as a high-powered lawyer/lobbyist.”

        The majority of whites are white trash.

        Therefore, as more and more white trash chicks get with ghetto blacks, the more it becomes “normal” and accepted to all classes.

        Back in the day, lower class folk used to look up to the upperclass and try to emulate them. Today, the upperclass no longer seeks to mold lower classes into their own image. The consequence is that the upperclass is starting to emulate the lower classes.

        I think Charles Murray (“Coming Apart: The State of White America”) would agree with that.

        p.s. Goodbye America.

        Like


      • Weird way of thinking, but it’s how they think.

        Because it’s generally easier to fuck a black person (of either sex) than a white one, so if she fucks a white guy, she must have been really upping the “sluttishness”. In my experience, black girls have much more lax ASDs than nonblack ones. There’s a reason for the high HIV and STD rates among blacks.

        Like


      • I think you are projecting male thinking onto women. The ladies don’t need a logical reason to make sex NOT count. They have all sorts of excuses to conveniently forget the 40 cocks they’ve seen.

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      • Stop talking about things you know nothing about. Do you even live in Europe?

        Like


      • knowing muslims, i can tell you it’s certainly not muslim women. muslim women don’t make out with anyone but their husbands. they’d get killed. non-black muslims are also some of the most openly racist people in the world. they hate blacks and are not afraid to call one a nigger to his face.

        Like


    • Jouko Ahola did not kick ass for this….

      Like


  17. http://m.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/what-women-want.html

    What do you think of this crap, well besides being crap?

    Like


  18. Just for the sake of argument, what would happen if a woman was completely, utterly, 100%, frank like this? If she actually flat-out said some of this stuff? Assuming, of course, that she’s being honest?

    Like


  19. Bah ha ha hahhh!

    Like


  20. Throw in a set of steak knives & I’ll buy 2.

    Like


  21. As Seen On TV gives you a cocky pair. Case in point.

    Like


  22. If females had this sort of clarity about the workings of their own hind-brains… well, that would be an interesting and very different kind of planet on which to live.
    Meanwhile, on this planet, my advice is to deal with reality as it is. Or not, If you hate getting bjs from eager and permanently confused hotties. So what if she is in a coma of un-knowing-ness brought on by her gender wirings. With ordinary luck and decent game you will get yur dick wet and her eyes will go curling back in her head. Sometimes it helps to be harshly realistic. All might benefit .

    “What does life ere supply?”
    “A few good fucks and then you die.”

    John Wilkes : English rake, philosopher, and politician.

    Like


  23. Another reason why feminists seek to oppress men.

    By placing men under acute psychological stress, their mating preferences shift towards heavier/fatter women.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201209/men-heavier-women-especially-when-stressed-out

    “In a recent article published in PLoS One and authored by Viren Swami and Martin J. Tovée, men’s shifting preferences for varying female body shapes is further explored. Specifically, using the Environmental Security Hypothesis as the theoretical framework, the authors argued that when men are placed under psychological stress, they would alter their preferences for female figures toward the heavier end of the spectrum. The latter hypothesis posits that when facing threatening environments (e.g., caloric scarcity), individuals prefer morphological cues that signal physical maturity.

    Bottom line: Men who are under psychological stress are more likely to judge heavier women as attractive. Thus, while morphological preferences are indeed rooted in evolutionary-based realities, this does not imply that situational forces are not operative in altering such penchants. This serves as yet another blow to critics of evolutionary psychology who repeatedly levy the canard of biological determinism against the field.”

    It really will be a fat-pocalypse for men!

    Like


  24. Ice cream is always more exciting then dick unless you got a pleasantly flavored dick . The rest was just bs.
    If a chick asks you to do something specific she would probably like some help in general. Stressed out woman = no sex for you. As far as turning men down I think men in general would prefer a it’s not you it’s me or something similar to a you are not attractive and I was enjoying my life until you interrupted it get the fuck away from me before I pepper spray you. But sometimes it really is that person not you guys. Woman are moody and most are terribly passive aggressive try not to take everything so personal but don’t be dismissive of what they say.

    Like


    • “Ice cream is always more exciting then dick unless you got a pleasantly flavored dick ”

      W/ET: I’m fat

      “Stressed out woman = no sex for you”

      W/ET: You’re no Justin Timberlake

      “men in general would prefer a it’s not you it’s me”

      W/ET: It’s easier on me to lie to men

      “I was enjoying my life until you interrupted it get the fuck away from me before I pepper spray you”

      W/ET: I’m an entitled attention whore.

      “Woman are moody and most are terribly passive aggressive try not to take everything so personal but don’t be dismissive of what they say.”

      W/ET: I’m spoiled and you need to respect that.

      Like


  25. on September 14, 2012 at 5:39 am gunslingergregi

    never felt a chick have 3 orgasms eating ice cream he he he

    Like


  26. on September 14, 2012 at 5:41 am gunslingergregi

    and some woman are moody beatches some aren’t and some like ice cream more than dick why a guy needs to try out enough of em to know the good from the bad

    Like


  27. Betas and men who pedestalise women wouldn’t be able to coherently process what is going on. It would be a rude, rude wake up shock for them and force many to swallow the red pill… when they’re just not ready for it.

    Brilliantly entertaining post, as per usual.

    Like


  28. This shit is gold! You could write all this sarcastically and it still works- whenever I get a job, a paypal donation is due. Damn, these exact 4 line snippets are lifted right outta my life and the life of every other male born since the 60s revolution.

    Like


  29. Marcellus
    Wrong. All over Europe there are special clubs where white girls go to get together with black men.
    ————————————————————————————–

    Wrong,

    ALL girls like to dance; black people like to dance; white guys? not so much. Ergo white girls go to these clubs cause they have the best music to dance to.

    Once again this is a case of white guys “over thinking” an issue and coming up with a wrong answer. Dancing, singing, whistling are things people do when they are happy, relaxed… Stop hating on white females because they want to participate in such activity. And especially stop hating on niggers for doing what comes naturally to them.

    Sure, maybe negros, women, homos and children… find it easier to respond to primitive jungle boogie, unga bunga booga beats… but theres more to it than that.

    Nobody is really sure what the purpose of dancing is, but many suspect its a form of communication, possibly with the Creator; no other animal does that.

    Back in the day before nonwhite people got turned into niggers, all the dances used to mean something, the patterns, the movements, the steps… (Read some diaries of white explorers, they wrote about what they observed.)

    but most importantly, only men were allowed to participate.

    No women of children.

    Think about that.

    Like


  30. Where did gbfm go? did I miss something?

    Like


    • her: I can’t go out tonight no sitter…
      Gbfm translator: lolzolzolzolz your bernakified asscocked gf who only likes you for your provider status has to stay home and tend to her alpha bastard children.

      Like


    • He’s still around. Check out the previous threads.
      He said he disappeared because of a butthexomy or something.
      lolz

      Like


  31. “I want to be with you forever.” = “I’m overwhelmed by youthful, naive thrill and horniness. I’m hopeful that you’ll never stop fucking all my bodily and psycho-spiritual orifices like this. That way I won’t ever have to switch teams and admit my truly whorish, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately nature. Man up up up up up up up!”

    Like


  32. Wow, that’s cool. Whenever a woman comments on your blog your W/ET should translate it to English 🙂 I’d be really interested 😛

    Like


  33. HER: “I don’t think of you like that. I think of you like a brother.”

    Translation: “I’d consider sex with you to be incest.”

    Liked by 1 person


  34. Hilarious…and so utterly true. Great post.

    Like


  35. “I’ve never done this before!”

    W/ET: “I’ve never done this since the last guy I did it with, but he doesn’t count because the bastard never called me back.”

    Like


  36. Worth it at any fucking price!

    Like


  37. […] still uses this common dictionary definition when he talks about being aloof. From his latest post “HER: My vagina burns for violent sexual adventures with an emotionally opaque, aloof badboy who […]

    Like


  38. hahaha this post made my day, brilliant…

    Like


  39. HER: Ok, but nothing’s going to happen tonight if you give up trying.

    Ha ha! I had that exact situation happen a few hours ago. An hour and a half after it, she was telling me — with me inside her — that she’s never had sex on the first date. Or the second date.

    My reply?

    “I’m going to be the first guy to have sex with you on the second date.” Her mind was kind of blown at that point.

    (Oh — and half an hour before she came back to my place, I pushed her up against a wall, kissed her, and rubbed between her legs.)

    Like


  40. How can anyone hate you heartiste? HOW? This shit is gold! hahahahhaaaaa!!!

    Like