Spot The Alpha

The alpha of a mixed group isn’t always the man. Sometimes, the men in attendance are such feeble representatives of their sex that they are eclipsed by the stronger presence of the women. Here is a photo sent by reader Desant who wants to know if the male specimen on the left is alpha.

Although this celebratory feast may not showcase our declining nation’s best and alpha-iest, don’t underestimate Corky’s alpha potential within his social circle. The claw hand and elbow symbolically muscling out his only other male competition is certainly try-hard and awkwardly propped, but he brings game with a stylish display of peacockery — the bulky statement watch, the unusual pendant, the ironically nerdy and retro glasses leash, the bold cerulean undershirt — and an imperturbable facial expression of stone cold confidence mingled with a hidden capacity for dispatching foes with extreme ruthlessness. He is 20 years old today, and he is NOT to be trifled with, motherfucker. Not on this special day. Not when he’s the star of the show. With the precision of a Call of Duty-trained warrior and the passion of a Downs freakout, this guy will rain upon your cursed head thunderous tard blows with his windmill arms before you have a chance to stop laughing long enough to defend yourself from imminent death.

But that’s not all the evidence we have for his alphaness. Admire his overall body language, which is open and taking up lots of manly space. I would not be surprised if he was straddling the bench cowgirl style. His manboobs are thrust toward the camera assertively, as if to say “I dare you to purple nurple me. Do it. DOOOO IIIIIT!! See if you get your hand back.” And that linearly clamped unsmiling mouth from whence no tooth can interrupt his studied coolness says one thing — “My birthday is serious business”. Where is his other hand? Cradling his colossal sack, natch.

(An alpha is in love with his genitals; kneading, fondling, cupping, caressing, complimenting, filming or otherwise drawing attention to them at every legal opportunity.)

Finally, what may be the best evidence of Corky’s status as group alpha is the simple fact that he is the honored guest. What woman can resist swooning for the man of the hour? Birthday boy, military hero receiving a Medal of Honor — it’s a difference of degree. A man gets few moments in the sun in his life; he is wise to capitalize on them when they happen. Corky is capitalizing with a vengeance.

What’s worse than a douchebag? A douchebag wannabe. Thus, the man behind Corky is a strong alpha contender.

Sunkist Tits is without a doubt the alpha female of the group. She is sitting in the Queen’s throne, at the head of the table. (Studies have shown that the best spot to sit at a corporate meeting is directly across from the CEO/speaker, as that is the next most dominant seating position after the head of the table. The most beta spot to sit is adjacent to the CEO. You’ll look like a lapdog.) Sunkist Tits may even be the primary alpha if the two guys are desperately horny beta orbiters, but we can’t tell that from this photo. Her tits are magnificent. I even forgive her manly shoulders for them, because clearly the broad shoulders are needed as a cantilever to support her juicy melons, lest she tip over and capsize.

The girl to the left of Sunkist Tits — a plain looker who cannot inspire me to grace her with a nickname — slouches in defeat while in the presence of a hotter girl. Her face flickers with self-doubt. Her manly chin hints at a closet full of sluttiness.

Green Bag Girl rivals Sunkist Tits in cuteness, and her teeth glow with artificially enhanced whiteness. She slouches too, but that is probably from taking it up the pooper by a black man.

Salem Witch Girl is not bold enough to go full goth, nor self-aware enough to go to a dentist. Unfortunately for her, there is not a man alive (except maybe a lying blog commenter vainly trying to score a stupid debate point) who would rank her higher than the other three girls. Therefore, low value men will swarm her with propositions, figuring she will be quicker to put out. Paradoxically, this means she may in fact receive over the course of her fertile years more male attention than Sunkist Tits, because the world has a lot more low value men seeking the path of least resistance than it does high value men with the balls to approach hot chicks. This knowledge explains her happy face. So while Sunkist Tits gets the pick of the litter, she gets millions of Corkys vying for her hand in pre-marital blowjobs.

VERDICT: Douchebag Wannabe is the alpha of the group.

Reason? Corky may be a cocksure alpha nerd, but he’s still a nerd.





Comments


  1. I slept with a girl who looks just like the Sunkist.

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  2. Corky – His gesture is try-hard, but (as Chateau illustrated), but nice outlandish fashion, its his birthday and he’s the center of the attention. Maybe not alpha of the group, but of the moment at least.

    Other guy – Blends perfectly into the background, weak everything.

    Sunkist – Confident, attractive, positioned at the center of attention, one more agreement with Roissy.

    Black shirt girl – Furry forearms!

    White shirt girl – Mugging for the camera.

    Salem witch ‘girl’ – Yeah, I think that’s a dude.

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  3. Corky sure is extroverted, but behind the wacky gestures and furry necklaces, he is definitely a wimp. If he were alpha sunkist Girl would be behind him and whith her arms around him. But the girls aren´t near him.

    Gangsta wannabe (guy un white shirt and white cap) seems to be cool, but not at all interesting.

    Sunkist Girl definitely is The Woman of the picture.

    And the goth girl Roissy talks about… isn´t “she” a “he”?

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  4. @Tensor.

    So Corky is autistic.

    Hmm… that explains the women in the picture: they all feel compasion for him.

    Like


  5. I think the black shirt girl to the left of sunkist is the cutest.

    Also, i’m almost positive the salem witch girl is a boy.

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  6. Ok, I got this.

    My best friend when I was in college was just like this Corky. Corky will get married and have one kid, but just one or two years after the kid is born the wife will file for divorce and he’ll be forced to move into a one bedroom apartment.

    Baseball hat kid beside him will observe and take notes, and avoid marriage completely. Baseball hat kid will grow into himself slowly, and have the world by the balls when he hits his stride much later on.

    Corky will be alpha for five years max, then the child support payments will knock him back down to beta servitude.

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  7. I disagree with your read of the situation, although I agree with your verdict.

    a) Corky’s bent wrist basically destroys the whole point of having his arm sticking out. The constant muscle flexing betrays how uncomfortable he is, regardless of posturing.

    b) See how he’s leaning into the picture? If this is really his birthday, this is terrible – the photographer has excluded him from the picture and he bought into the photographer’s (literal) frame by having to exert himself to make it into the picture. Nobody at the table is in any way acknowledging his existence, so I think a competing theory would be he’s so beta he’s like a child – the way a child is ignored despite their attention-seeking antics.

    c) He has no plate – i.e., none of the girls at his party are on cake-cutting duty. Not a good sign.

    d) Afraid to show teeth during a picture, trying the awkward mouth-closed grin.

    e) DC-hat has very closed body language, with his arms in front of him, afraid to touch anyone else, smiling obediently. But you can tell he at least fits in with these girls, i.e. he’s a single drunken night away from banging any of them.

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  8. Ignatius J. Reilly wins.

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  9. Roissy,

    Thank you for taking up the banner of nerd-hate. It’s been awhile since Udolpho has written anything on the topic of nerds and this may be an alternative niche for your writing talents.

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  10. Corky is too dumb to be insecure about anything. This is a sham party to keep the guy from outbursts of tard rage.

    The other 5 people at this party were unfortunately overcome with the obligation to attend.

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  11. girl in black shirt is totally cuter than suntits.

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  12. The girl to Suntit’s left is much cuter than any of the others.

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  13. ditto to MD

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  14. salem witch girl is a boy i bet

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  15. This blog is dead.

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  16. Corky: Probably a self-aware beta who has learned in the late ’00s that you can play the hipster card, hence ironic specs and pendant. Probably a case of a post-beta with effectively alpha charms, though the girls could be LJBFs. Posture is only beta out of context. He could have been halfway to making another gesture, not necessarily making a “grr, manly” muscle gesture.

    Douchebag Wannabe: Probably exactly that. Every school has the odd wigger who hangs out with the nerds (we had one at college, his pseudonym was Pound Coin). Hard to tell his frame from that photo, so he could just as easily be a genuine douchebag who’s aware of his nature and is consciously sympathetic to beta nerds.

    Three girls: I think is overestimating their appearance. They are probably 6 to 7 range girls given their company. Sunkist Tits may be the alpha of that group, but she’s more the average looking but confident sort who probably gets very good grades and is involved in lots of extracurricular activities and sports. Her tits aren’t that amazing, likely her posture is emphasising them. Girl next to her does not have super confident posture, neither does Green Bag Girl.

    Salem Witch ‘Girl’: Um, I think that’s a guy. If it’s a guy, it’s Corky’s long time beta friend. If it’s a girl, it’s the female equivalent of an omega – tomboyish, and probably standing next to no chance getting laid.

    I don’t know much about the social nuances in America. Different varieties of people. A British scene I could dissect almost instantly.

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  17. You know, it’s possible to over-analyse this shyt….

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  18. lmao

    ‘corky’

    – good one

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  19. CR’s citing retard-strength. Awesome!
    http://ace.mu.nu/archives/185523.php
    I think Corky may lose geek points because the watch is not G-shock certified.
    I was wondering what era this pic was from until I spotted the wad’s DG hat. So, this isn’t some random pic from the 80’s…eesh this is some clique of awkward teens. Or, this is a pic of a bunch of teens in a summer job, awkwardly celebrating their coworker’s big 2-oh.
    Bottom line, the grim f-u face and the peacocking yellow pendant show that he is a grown up Martin Prince, how can someone as adept as he is with the AV equipment not be popular?

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  20. CR said:

    “I would not be surprised if he was straddling the bench cowgirl style. ”

    Heh.

    http://www.slutload.com/watch/w40vYGuWP3X/Chris-Chan-Sextape.html

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  21. corky: learned game online. Not hard, in a world where even a new Venture Brothers parodied “the number close” etc.

    Sunkist tits: not just a T-shirt (or way of life)
    but a statement of the firmness and size of her cans.
    Ripe, giant start-of-season navel oranges.

    i like to imagine (on dreary dublin days)
    sd once looked like this
    25 years ago
    whilst dreaming o’ a beau’s
    amazin’ alliteration

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  22. Girl beside Suntits is clearly the alpha. She’s leaning on the table like she owns it, sitting in the queen’s seat, and looking at the camera like she’s too cool to be there. She’s also hotter than Suntits.

    This puts me in the minority, but I would sooner bother with Salem Witch Girl and the girl behind her than the other two. Witch girl is admittedly less attractive, but not so much so as to be disqualified, and I’ll take a homely feminine girl over those more aggressive, confident, and tight softball girls.

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  23. Corky – overly aggressive and too try hard. Not a single attractive female sits near him. He also looks bitter beta, as though everyone is in attendance out of obligation. Not the alpha.

    Gangsta wannabe – Lesser Alpha/Greater beta and in kino range of Sunkist. He is playing it cool, which is appropriate for such a lame event.

    Sunkist – she is the “mother hen” of the group. She is in close kino range for Gangsta and her enthusiasm is the sign of gina tingles for him not Corky’s birthday. She is also not the hottest girl in the group.

    Black shirt girl – I disagree Roisy. She is younger and hotter than Sunkist chic. Pay attention to facial features not attitude. Yes, she is less engaged, but why? My guess there are no alpha’s in vicinity she cares about. Lack of interest / detachment from a hot girl is a stronger indicator of value then Sunkist who feels the need to overtly flaunt her tits.

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  24. Nah, they’re all betas, the wanna be wankster looks incredibly shy, just by that weak ass toothy smile.

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  25. I suspect someone sent this to the Chateau to troll you.

    If anyone bothers to read Chris-chans dramatica page you will find that he is mentally disturbed and possible a homo.

    BUT

    Hilariously he has more balls than most of the ‘guys’ in the “community” in that he actually does do cold-approaches during the day and doesn’t give a fuck. I mean he doesn’t care because he’s a spergy nutcase but gotta give him something.

    The girls are pretty average, sunkist does have nice tits and looks fairly easy though. Just from this image I can tell you that green bag is probably the bitchiest of all of them despite being the ugliest (pretty sure goth is a dude). I’d be worried about chemical burns from those teeth, must be a lot of bleach… damn.

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  26. This blog has hit a new low. I guess all good things must end eventually.

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  27. speaking of bleach, I need some for my eyes and soul after clicking on that link.

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  28. Goth Girl is totally dykeadelic.

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  29. Yeah, dude, that guy on the left is actually a mentally ill autistic guy. There’s an entry somewhere that’ll show you:

    http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan

    Like


  30. Salem witch has a batman shirt on. Makes her even more of a beta nerd vacuum.

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  31. I knew I knew that guy from somewhere, I recognized the homemade pokemon necklace.

    is this post a joke?

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  32. do you guys have any sense of humor at all?

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  33. of course it’s a joke.

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  34. Wow, I wish I could erase all knowledge of this thread from my life, thanks for the intro to Chris-Chan.

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  35. this pizza establishment is located on ‘three notched road’.

    3 sunkist notches.

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  36. Corky’s eyes are fixed on one of the girls opposite. His wrist is painfully flexed. WBAFC Asperger’s and a virgin.

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  37. fwiw, i think it’s impossibly reckless and self-aggrandizing to post pix of The_King and his revelries at his Happy 20th bday.

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  38. this particular writer is a female!

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  39. Ugh, the man-jaw. I’ve realized hitting on man-jawed girls actually is easier. Which makes me feel like I’m not putting in the work.

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  40. Off topic, but I thought some of you might be interested:-

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2010/jul/16/women-high-pitched-voices-men

    Like


  41. I think this post was tongue in cheek, but the jokes aren’t good enough to make it clear.

    @what

    this particular writer is a female!

    Y’know, I kind of got that impression, too. I dislike this new cottage industry of trying to figure out which posts are genuine Roissy, but the writer’s assessment of the girls’ attractiveness smacks of a female. Green Bag Girl is NOT cute.

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  42. @Cauthon

    “Y’know, I kind of got that impression, too. I dislike this new cottage industry of trying to figure out which posts are genuine Roissy, but the writer’s assessment of the girls’ attractiveness smacks of a female. Green Bag Girl is NOT cute.”

    Green bad girl is NOT cute. you’re right.

    I reread the first para and that’s when I started to sense that the post was written by a girl.

    It takes one to know one. OF COURSE, I might be wrong.

    The ‘sunkist’ girl looks to be the most confident……????? (her body language) who knows.

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  43. sdaedalus

    Off topic, but I thought some of you might be interested:-

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2010/jul/16/women-high-pitched-voices-men

    so that explains Orlando Bloom

    Like


  44. God, would people bitching about the decline of this blog just leave so I don’t have to listen to your whining?

    Stay or go, no one cares.

    Like


  45. comment under moderation…..could it be I’ve figured it out?

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  46. Corky is clearly special needs – this is kind of a mean/funny trick.

    The girl with her arms on the table is the alpha female, or sole alpha. The non-sunkist girl beside arms-folder alpha is the prettiest.

    Like


  47. This post is guilty of trying too hard to sound like Roissy.

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  48. Sunkist is Alpha and the hottest, I don’t know what the hell people are seeing.

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  49. Sunkist is not only alpha, she is the writer.

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  50. on September 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm ValidationStation

    Not at all relevant to this post, but relevant to this blog.

    http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/ddscm/iama_icelandic_woman_who_has_lived_in_the_us_for/

    Like


  51. LOL. Chris-Chan is the Omega-est Omega on the Internet.

    Get his latest videos here:
    http://www.youtube.com/user/TheCWCvilleLibrary

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  52. I got to be honest.

    Salem Witch girl is hotter to me than the rest of the girls.

    The other girls are utterly repulsive to me.

    Big shiny foreheads are fucking disgusting, and the same goes for their man-chins you could cut cheese on.

    Green-bag rivalling anything for cuteness is ridiculous. She just looks like she came out of a sleezy club after doing lines off a dirty toilet tank.

    That being said, everyone is wrong about the alpha.

    The alpha is the camera man. His plate already has a a knife and fork, and from where his cup is his position is separated from the group as a whole.

    Camera man is running the show, this group is only together under his authority.

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  53. I could have sworn Salem Witch Girl was a dude… either way, whatever it is, it’s the bottom the barrel…

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  54. well, sometimes the posts work, sometimes they don’t. There have been better “spot the alpha” installments. Each of the three hot-ish women is more alpha than either of the dudes, because their SMV and status is higher. although douchebag wannabe actually looks cooler than his name.

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  55. Unlike the black & white station lobby photo with alpha & beta, this one is just way too overanalyzed. Besides the questionable of the source of the photo, I think most of the assumptions about this one don’t cut it. Also, all 3 of the girls (excluding tomboy ofc.) look fairly nice and “hittable” – the extreme comparisons are not fair here.

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  56. jesus the deeper you go in this chrischan deal… the better it gets:

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  57. All 6 look like douchebags.

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  58. Someone needs to break out the drugs quickly, or this party is going to turn into a real airball.

    – MPM

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  59. Sunkist is the third-hottest, behind Girl-With-No-Nickname and Green Bag Girl.

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  60. The girl in the black shirt next to Sunkist is the cutest. This is a fact and is not open to interpretation. Thank you and good night.

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  61. on September 14, 2010 at 4:36 pm Ambiguous Point

    I never thought in a million years I’d see Chris-Chan on this site.

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  62. I miss that luxuriant bush dude. This is exactly the kind of post in which instead of trolling he would make extremely smart analysis of the girls´ bushes

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  63. If alphaness is defined in relative terms (i.e, in any group of two or more men there will be an alpha), this post is serious.

    My view is that it is a joke. There ain´t no alpha here.

    The third girl from the right looks like a hottie, and the guy in white is a black wannabe, dressing like 50cent.

    and there is too much cake for too few people. the amount of calories in that table could feed 3 families of 10 people each in Pakistan

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  64. The douchebag looks like the guy my woman’s little sister is dating. And since I really wanna pork my woman’s little sister, I hate that guy. Ergo, I hate the guy in this photo.

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  65. Chris-Chan ahahahahahah

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  66. on September 14, 2010 at 5:31 pm Julien Honky Boy

    DC hat is actually their dealer. goth girl is Shouting Thomas.

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  67. The chick with the crooked face reminds me of a slag who blew me behind a dumster off I-64 in Crozet. The way her eyes bugged out made me laugh the entire time.

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  68. on September 14, 2010 at 6:22 pm Obstinance Works

    Why?

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  69. on September 14, 2010 at 6:22 pm measure of devotion

    Both alpha girls part hair on left (Visualizing Beta poast 4/1/10).

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  70. Interesting as photo analysis, but, …

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  71. Chris-chan – so alpha, his semen is good enough for him alone:
    http://www.slutload.com/watch/M20g7MWCNa5/Chris-chan-Fanta-and-Cum.html

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  72. Salem is Corky’s sister. Black shirt is Corky’s cousin (or the sister who got the good genes).

    Sunkist is tingling at the thought of banging the photographer, and white teeth and ball cap are both thinking about doing the photographer too.

    Verdict: If not already, the photographer is soon going to be Alpha of this herd. He’s probably using photography game, with Sunkist as the primary target.

    Corky senses an incoming Alpha and is frantically trying to maintain his fragile hold on the spotlight. Nothing worse than having some other guy become center of attention at your birthday party.

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  73. Hilarious post. Love this site.

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  74. Roissy / Chateau!

    You have failed to see that photo is taken from an angle and actually the girl next to Sunkist is sitting on the end of table. So she is in the throne place.

    Sunkist is actually sitting on the corner of table a very beta place to sit.

    Her orange t-shirt contrasting on the surrounding bleakness makes this illusion even stronger drawing attention to it.

    In my nation there is a “superstitious” proverb that who ever sits at the corner of table will not marry for 7 years. If you consider that being squeezed out of space and left with just a corner is very beta, you start to see that this proverb is not so superstitious at all.

    Sunkist is still the most pretty girl in the photo tough and the only one that could interest me.

    But she is not the alfa female, the more manly girl next to her is. I bet she gets more bangs than Sunkist, due to her more agressive behavior that attracts nerdy betas. She cockblocks Sunkist and takes her suitors for herself, not as much for sex as for bossing them around.

    Sunkist is thus a pretty submssive type and may bee even a virgin. That all makes her only more attractive in my book.

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  75. Also if you look at this from perspective of my last post, you can see that Sunkist is very likely a girlfriend of the boy in white next to her.

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  76. If Sunkist is girlfiend of the douche wannabe of he gets her sitting next to him (even despite her having to settle for corner due to this) then douche wannabe is the alfa of the group.

    If Sunkist is the best girlfriend of the manly chin girl next to her, than manly chin girl next to Sunkits is the alfa of the group

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  77. OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….

    Chris Chan? A fucking alpha? Is there a letter lower than Omega, because Chris belongs there!

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  78. Jesus, guys, do you not even KNOW the story on this guy?

    Are you just trying to pull our chains?

    I never thought I’d see the day Chris Weston Chandler would be even THOUGHT about as a comparison to anything human!

    http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan

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  79. Hey guys, note the tags on the entry. A reader forgot that Chateau is a closet geek and Chateau responded by taking the piss.

    I’m pretty sure CWC hasn’t been mentioned before because he is literally the omega of omegas. What else is there to say on the subject after him? So, obviously, no point bringing him up directly unless Chateau wanted to write the last entry about omegas. Ever.

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  80. Troll or not, I’m going to revise my post in light of who this Chris Chan is and say that those are all his post-ironic internet friends and/or some old school friends who ‘liked’ him sympathetically and now have a new found adoration for him on successfully becoming an internet meme of sorts.

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  81. “My best friend when I was in college was just like this Corky. Corky will get married and have one kid, but just one or two years after the kid is born the wife will file for divorce and he’ll be forced to move into a one bedroom apartment.”

    Saw this very thing in action, recently.

    Sweet guy (problem right there), slow on the general uptake, not a looker, gets married to a woman who, from what I have seen, seems out of his league; attractive, better career.

    They are married 1 year, have a child in second, and then wifey files for divorce after the kid is born with no interest in trying to reconcile. Apparently he “gets angry” sometimes, and she does not like it.

    Tell me this was not a whole freakin’ expensive exercise in sperm donation.

    If it were me, she would only now be understanding the concept of “getting angry”…

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  82. I agree with the posters above who speculate that the camera-man is the alpha, and that Sunkist has set herself apart as the top contender for his attention.

    I can’t tell if they’ve hooked up yet or not, however. If they have, its still really new. Given how resigned the other girls appear, its at least obvious to the group that camera-man and sunkist have chemistry.

    Its apparent that she’s very happy, and there is nothing present in that photograph that would make any normal human girl happy. It has to be the camera-man. If they did not hook up prior to that photo, they did that night.

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  83. The lolblog tag and the reference of green bag girl taking up black cock (I think she’s Kellie Anders from http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan/People#Sarah_Hammer) seal it. Roissy has trolled the community good.

    He actually taught me something, my gut impression was to cast the guy as Ometard who is deaf to social cues, the douche bag as a betabag and the noname and Sunkist girls the hottlest one (pretty face). After his talk up I could almost ignore noname girl and at least consider the omega guy a self aware lesser beta who knows how to joke around and keep up dignity despite nature giving him so little.

    I’m easily duped by a likeable authority figure.

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  84. Google Anna McLerran. Not a dude.

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  85. Holy GodJesus, it’s CHRIS-CHAN!

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  86. um
    It is NOT a badge of honor – to be so deep into the internet dramas – that you actually can brag about knowing who chrischan is.

    It’s like admitting you can speak Klingon ya know

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  87. Is anything that you type appropriate? Roissy should be working on his SAT and SAT II studies, and he should save the dirty jokes after he joins a college fraternity (do not make the mistake of being a GDI).

    Besides, what exactly is a sunkist?

    “I don’t know much about the social nuances in America.”

    Here in America our middle class has a lot in common with England’s peerage. For one, both social groups are fond of the phrase “lavatory”, and two, many think that their houses value with exponentially increase over time. Unfortunately, many poor nobleman find out quickly that such isn’t the case. Equity and real estate aren’t exactly liquid, to be fair.

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  88. Is hard to NOT recognize that medallion.

    That out, the total lack of self-awareness that comes from autism can -accidentally- create some alphahood. The same principle works for the little girls that want the little boys too young to show sexual desire.

    Wannabe douchebag looks too eager for my taste. But he’s above Chris-chan.

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  89. I’ve been laughing all day at the “thundrous tard blows from his helicoper arms” bit.

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  90. lol you think Chris Crocker “Sonichu” is an alpha? The dude has autism and is a constant target for internet hate, are you a fucking retard?

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  91. I thought the girl to the left of Sunkist tits was more attractive. This is what I get for being surrounded by so many Jersey/Long Island people. They actually would find her fake tan and whatnot more attractive.

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  92. If you had done some research you would find that chis chan is pure unadulterated omega. “virgin with rage.”

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