A shambling cloverfield has drawn up a list of pretty lies she wishes people would stop saying to her. As a big beautiful person of convexity, she has accepted her fatness, and she wants you to accept it as well. I agree. We should all accept that fat people are fat, and not mince around it. (Which would take years and grappling hooks, anyhow.) So in the spirit of her post, here are the 11 things you should always say to a fat girl to let her know you accept that she’s fat and you won’t patronize her by acting like you don’t notice her fatness.
1. You’re fat!
You are fat. It’s just a descriptor. If you’re calling yourself fat, I will gladly agree, because lying with a straight face takes energy. Hopefully my refreshing honesty will feel as good to you as it does to me.
2. You have such a fat face.
There’s a chance you have a pretty face, but I can’t tell under all that blubber. You also have a banging body hiding somewhere in there, like a tiny nested doll—it just happens that your outer body is bigger than what any normal man finds attractive on a primal, biological level. Now, do a shimmy for me so I can record it and make a funny gif called ‘Twerking Walrus’.
3. Oooh, let’s go to Lane Bryant!!!
You cannot fit into anything at Bebe. You probably can’t fit into anything at Lane Bryant either, but the only other choice is the REI camping department.
4. You need that candy bar.
It’s delicious, and how else will you sustain your massive corpulence that is the envy of no one anywhere? Open your piehole and accept the candy bar, the same way you accept your hideous visage.
5. You’d look better if you were thinner.
Why beat around the fupa? Yeah, your fat makes you unhealthy, but no one really gives a shit about your blood work or what some fat female doctor reassuringly told you to keep you coming back for more high-priced office visits. Aesthetically, you’re a mess (trust), and the only thing that will change that is losing weight. It doesn’t take a medical degree to know what vomit tastes like at the sight of you.
6. Phew, I’m so thin.
I won’t talk about being fat around a fat person when it’s obvious I’m not fat. Instead, I’ll tell it like it is (the way you like it), and express my utter relief that I don’t look anything like you. So I will talk about how great it is to be thin in your company and the implications should work themselves out.
7. That half mile of slow jogging you do isn’t going to make up for the calorie surplus you regularly run.
Yes, I know you do yoga and swim—that’s where you sit on your ass on a mat and break one bead of sweat and float in a pool like an otter that swallowed a beach ball. Yes, you have a gym membership. Very good, now you’ve found a venue to pound energy drinks and baby walk the treadmill while totally ignoring the weight room. Reward yourself later with a tub of ice cream for your hard work.
8. Nah, I don’t want to borrow your clothes.
You don’t wear clothes, you wear fabric bundles. I suppose if I want to borrow a car cover, I’ll give you a call.
9. Have you gained weight??
I mean, honestly, at your size it’s kinda hard to tell either way.
10. Dieting is for unhappy women who worry about their looks. That’s not you.
Dieting sucks and it doesn’t work the way you do it, before any hunger pangs are actually felt. It’s obvious you’ve stopped that dieting b.s. You just want to be happy and unhealthy, and one of the best ways for you to do that is to not stress so damn much about your repulsive fat folds. Is that a cheeto under your third chin? Embrace it! It’s a victory over dieting and anorexia, a small token that reminds the world what a confident, accepting fat woman looks like. Thar she crows!
11. I’m not trying to help.
When I start offering good advice you didn’t ask for, you don’t feel cared for. You feel humiliated. I don’t want to shame you, so instead I will love you as much as you claim to love yourself. I will shout to the world how gloriously fat you are, and how it doesn’t matter at all because you’re at peace with the rearview mirror you must use every time you have to wipe. I will shake your round belly and say “This belly is accepted by its owner. This belly is loved so much it gets more food than it can handle.” That’s all that matters, right? Your acceptance, my acceptance. Our acceptance. And what’s more accepting than dropping reality on your bowling ball head and not worrying if it will crush your soul?
12. You should be an orbiting space station model.
Acceptance level 99 achieved.