A reader sent the Chateau the following email with no explicit instructions to withhold releasing for readership consumption the photos she attached. As per Chateau rules (Sec. 8, para. 14), if you don’t want your advice-seeking email correspondence or accompanying pics posted to the blog, say so. Otherwise, it will be assumed you are OK with it.
I have been reading your blog and although I’m not a fan of some of the misogyny some of the guys that comment spew, I respect overall that you have a pretty good handle on the dating game. I saw the post & advice you gave that one girl who posted. I’m wondering if you would give me your honest opinion on how well I can do in NYC dating based on my attractiveness & other stats? I just moved here from California & it’s a jungle out here
Background on me: I just turned 25, am 5’6, around 125 pounds (attached photos). 0.7 hip to waist ratio, D breasts (they’re real).
Other statistics: went to Stanford, used to work in finance but quit that when it started changing my personality into a man’s, am now a writer / marketer. I can be funny, I have good manners & etiquette, I’m usually very positive and nice, and guys I’ve dated have said I’m fun to be around / very low drama/maintenence. Although I can be opinionated & want to be respected, I definitely voice those opinions in a respectful way. I can also cook decently well & I like sex a lot.
Money is important to me since I want to be a stay at home mom eventually (or at least have the option) and I never want to worry about money, and I’m wondering if I can do better than the guy I’m currently dating who wants an exclusive relationship with me. As I know my prime is now, and my options will only decrease with time, I’m wondering if you can give me an honest opinion of whether I should stay with him or start taking other offers more seriously? My friends don’t like this guy because he gives people shit sometimes / doesn’t care about being polite & so they’re saying I can do better, but they always say that. I like him, and I want your opinion. I have recently had the CTO of [major bank] ask to date me, and various other high earning finance guys. I just want to know what my chances are of actually landing a guy like these instead of being dicked around, or if I should even be concerned with it since I am really enjoying the guy I have now who I think is on the way up and I’m definitely unsure I’ll be able to match the level of chemistry and compatibility? I am wary of dating in NY because I’ve heard how brutal it can be, and I remain pretty much unscathed so far. I’d really hate to lose my optimism by getting abused by some douchebag who was never that into me anyway.
There’s nothing wrong with us, we get along really well for the most party. [Editor: A most excellent Freudian slip.] He’s a beta, 27, learned a lot of this pickup stuff and is dominant, which is great. Also can be cooperative & talk about psychology / relationships with me, which is so fascinating. He comes from a poor background in eastern europe, just started working for a hedge fund (seems to be good at it, the youngest guy there by 20 years) & sends money back home (admirable but a possible detriment in the future if they need to be continually supported). Very focused & interesting. Negatives are that he can be manipulative & critical, and doesn’t socially dominate / lead like some guys I know (was very uncomfortable in one large party situation where he didn’t know anyone & I knew some guy friends from school). Although he’s not the largest guy (5’10), he could probably hold his own in a fight (have heard stories about his rough upbringing).
Anyway, your opinion would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry the email is really long, I’m not a concise person
She wants to know whether to stay with her doting, all-around niceguy boyfriend or to dump him to take one more stab at trading up in the hothouse dating market of Manhattan.
She’s come to the right place!
Reading between the lines what we have here is a girl who likes, perhaps loves, her boyfriend, but has recently been propositioned for a date by a higher status man (the CTO of [major bank]). Her sexual market options suddenly thrown into stark relief, her hypergamous instinct is kicking in and she is contemplating, via the sounding board provided by the residents of the stately countryside Chateau, whether her boyfriend is really all that she thinks he is, and whether her ego isn’t as big as it deserves to be.
Gentlemen, behold the awesome power of female hypergamy. You can be the best boyfriend in the world, (and judging by her description of him, he sounds like a stand-up guy with plenty of positive traits), but if a higher ranking man comes along and shows some interest in your girlfriend (or wife!), you can bet your last penny she will be unable to resist pondering the opportunity to trade up and the concomitant reevaluation of her own market worth that goes along with attention from higher status suitors.
Women, of course, will cheer this as an example of female empowerment and being honest with oneself and yada yada down with the patriarchy yada, but imagine a man doing the same to his loyal girlfriend when a hotter, younger, tighter babe flirts with him. Those same women would be screaming like banshees from the rooftops.
It is the nature of the beast when the sexes have opposing reproductive goals.
But enough highlighting the underlying mechanism. Let’s examine this woman’s situation in point by point detail to determine whether it is in her interest to risk a breakup with Beta Lover for a shot at Mr. Big.
The Chateau keepers have reviewed the facts and rendered their judgment.
A 5.5. Maybe a 6 on a good day. She is not especially cute, but not invisibly plain either.
Her youth is her strongest asset. 25 years old gives her three to five years to complete her marriage quest according to the demands she has set for herself. Much depends on how well she ages. Her swarthy ancestry (Puerto Rican? Half black? Lebanese?) suggests she will stave off wrinkles for a longer time than the average white chick.
Her body is good. The numbers she has given put her at 20.1 BMI, which is right smack in the center of body weight desirability. But the photo she supplied makes her body look chubbier than would be expected with that low BMI. There is some tentative agreement among the hosts that she could stand to lose ten pounds.
Her breasts are magnificent funbags. But watch out! D cups are mesmerizing in their prime, but their prime is short-lived, surrendering rather quickly and ignominiously to National Geographic style sag.
The tone of her email gives the impression of a pleasant personality, but the content tells otherwise. She might qualify as a genuine golddigger. Golddiggers are one step below whores, because at least whores have the integrity to follow through on their end of the deal.
Look at the waist-hip ratio. She is the submissive type who needs a dominant man to make her feel like a woman.
She had a U-shaped smile. Untrustworthy.
Good manners and etiquette? Meh. Girls who know where to place the salad fork have a detailed mental schematic for how to get them off in bed. Woe be the man who deviates from the script. Also, “good manners” reeks of try-hard, as if she is compensating for a poorly mannered cultural background.
Positive and nice? Your boyfriend might think differently if he reads this.
Opinionated? Translation: Loudmouthed nag.
Cooks well? Bonus.
Likes sex? Double plus bonus. But not much of a selling point in this raunchy day and age.
Her current boyfriend is:
A greater beta. He sounds like a higher ranking man than she is giving him credit for.
27 years old. So much for closeness of age being an important factor.
“Gives people shit sometimes / doesn’t care about being polite”: This is a trait of a greater beta, lesser alpha. Regular old betas do not give people shit. Instead, they take shit.
“On the way up”: Greater beta. At least.
“Level of chemistry and compatibility”: This guy sounds too good for her. If I were him I’d tell him to let her go get pump and dumped by the (likely married) CTO. When she comes crawling back, he can have his new, hotter girlfriend see her to the door.
“Learned a lot of this pickup stuff and is dominant”: Not seeing the problem with this guy? Oh, that’s right. He’s not a CTO. Manhattan, isle of twue wuv!
“Also can be cooperative & talk about psychology / relationships with me, which is so fascinating”: She is talking herself into staying with him. The hamster is really running the shit out of his little legs in this email.
Poor East Europe background? Irrelevant. Possible net positive, if he has brought over to America some of his cultural learnings for benefit of good wifely obedience.
Hedge fund work? Slimy, but alpha.
Sends money back home? As much as women say they admire generous family men, their self-interest pushes them into the arms of selfish men who give all their money only to wifey and the kids to the exclusion of her in-laws.
Manipulative and critical? Again, this is a characteristic of greater betas and alphas, not run of the mill betas. A beta always attempts to assuage his woman when she is upset. Stronger, more dominant men take a different tact.
Doesn’t always socially dominate/lead like other men she knows? This is beta, true. But it also shows how a woman’s perception of her lover is so heavily skewed by the behavior of other men in her social circle. If you are a beta, you’d do best to date a girl who is not often in the company of alphas.
5’10”? Neutral to slight negative.
The Chateau has rendered its judgment:
You are a fucking handful. You ask for advice, and yet every other sentence is a self-pleading justification for staying with your current boyfriend.
So stay with the man. But don’t be surprised if, in a few years time when his status goes up as yours is going down, he decides to dump your demanding 463 bullet-point checklist ass for a hotter chick.
Quite simply, in New York, you don’t have the looks to compete for the alphas as anything more than a convenient wet hole to be discarded unceremoniously when girlfriends #3 and #4 call.
Having delivered that harsh judgment, the Chateau does understand where you are coming from, and your feelings in the matter. A higher status CTO wants to fuck you. This makes you feel good about yourself, and you wonder if maybe, just maybe, this alpha will be the one who marries you and gives you the life of the princess stay at home mommy you’ve always dreamed of. There is room in the world for such arrangements. But based on your looks, it is more likely that you will begin dating the CTO only to either
a. find out he is married, or
b. get dumped after a three month fling.
What you didn’t tell us was a description of the looks of the CTO. If he is particularly ugly or nebbishy then there is a chance that dumping your loyal boyfriend to date him would work out for you. It’s not as if there aren’t plenty of couples featuring hot chicks dating physically unimpressive but rich herbs in our glorious cities.
But the bottom line is this: You answered your own question.
If you were truly tempted to stray with the CTO or any other high flying finance guy, you would have done it without emailing the Chateau beforehand for the imaginary green light. That you have done this instead tells us that you find yourself falling in love with your good-hearted but sometimes awkward boyfriend, and it scares you.
It scares you because love means a cutting off of options. But that is a risk worth taking. Before it’s too late.