Rock Band Audition

Do you dream of stardom as you sit at your desk planning yet another dull event for your corporate master? Does the adulation of five drunk bar patrons millions thrill you? The rock band that Roosh and I have started — Heavy Sack — is looking for a female singer. (Male singers are kindly asked to stay home and send their girlfriends and sisters instead.)

Technically, our band is part of the Rock Band video game, but that’s OK because from a distance our fake plastic instruments look real. And we have groupies. While we want a girl with some singing skills, don’t worry if your voice isn’t up to American Idol standards — the computer that measures the pitch of your voice is more forgiving than Simon Cowell.

The audition is this Tuesday night, 9PM at Reef. (They hold a Rock Band Night every Tuesday.) Cute emo chicks with sad eyes will be judged more favorably by me, at least.

pom poms optional
eligible
the judges are unimpressed
not eligible

Any agents who interfere too much with our selection process will be sweet-talked into submission by our band manager.





Comments


  1. Link to map:

    http://tinyurl.com/6qwh4v

    ( Please take lots of pictures and video )

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  2. You know if I lived there still I would be there in a hot minute…

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  3. I just played some Rock Band the other day for the first time and sang…never scored below a 96%. Too bad I’m not in the area.

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  4. While we want a girl with some singing skills

    What about a Glorious Natural Pelt?

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  5. We should be a little bit more specific for what we’re looking for. She must have the stage presence of a Gwen Stefani mixed with Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) Energy. On top of that she should have the vocal range of Kelly Clarkson (Skinny American Idol Clarkson not big fat fatty 2nd album Clarkson where she had to perform with Reba McEntire)

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  6. I was in all state chorus and am a HUGE attention whore. HMM.

    There will be no pelt!

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  7. There will be -no- pelt?

    Well, that’s a different angle altogether.

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  8. not big fat fatty 2nd album Clarkson where she had to perform with Reba McEntire

    Hey, I liked that duet, and I don’t mind chubby white girls. 🙂

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  9. on June 17, 2008 at 4:32 am SovereignAmericanMale

    Dear David, given your 1500Tb pron collection, I don’t think you mind any *ANY* white girls, I mean OMG real flesh?
    I know its refreshing to not have to use your own hands for a change, to get off?

    I don’t mean to be cruel, I never really believed betas existed, and I thought it was a hyped urban myth. But gosh… you guys are real.. and alphas too…

    So gain some game if thats what it takes, and start getting some testosterone and then Alpha up

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  10. “What about a Glorious Natural Pelt?”

    I’ll tell you what about it, it’s primitive. Welcome to civilization.
    http://tinyurl.com/4kcpjs

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  11. Until I meet some hot porn star replicas in the real world, my right hand with a mixture of lotion and baby oil will prove to be a superior combination to the sexual output of 95% of the females in the world. Most women really don’t like sex and they fake orgasms unless trigged by masturbation or sex with select alpha males.

    My soft spot for chubby women is primarily because when you hug them, it’s like hugging a soft teddy bear. Skinny girls suck for hugs.

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  12. “Most women really don’t like sex and they fake orgasms unless trigged by masturbation or sex with select alpha males. ”

    Wow. How on earth do you come up with this bullshit?
    STOP talking about shit you obviously don’t understand!

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  13. Are you guys filming people?

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  14. DA–Girls like sex. Some even love sex.

    Just a note.

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  15. > Most women really don’t like sex and they fake orgasms unless trigged by masturbation

    Faking a “melting” body (for lack of a better word) sure would be a feat. Not saying the very best actresses can’t do it, but the average girl (average wrt to acting talent that is) ? NFW.

    But I’ll grant you: the noise à la Harry and Sally is easy enough. Heck, as a guy I could probably pull it off.

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  16. #14 just not with DA

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  17. Ok, at this point I think DA is just some type of performance art commenter or something.

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  18. Isn’t this all performance art?

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  19. Wow. How on earth do you come up with this bullshit?

    Inferences and direct quotes from female friends and complaints about girlfriends from male friends.

    Girls like sex. Some even love sex.

    No, most only put up with it to maintain a boyfriend. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have leagues of boyfriends and husbands complaining about their boring or sexless partners. Plus, it generally doesn’t help that the only girl who wanted to have sex with me was a pothead with rather unconventional viewpoints on life and was a frequent visitor to orgies and other sex clubs. In other words, she was a fluke.

    Most women come across as a female that once liked me a few years back. Any mention of sex seems to gross them out, and it produces visceral feelings within them where they cringe and feel sick within minutes.

    just not with DA

    I’ll let the reader exercise his or her thoughts on the answer.

    Ok, at this point I think DA is just some type of performance art commenter or something.

    Attention whore, mentally exhausted and posting, or just a contrarian who likes Haterade. Maybe as a social outsider, I view the world different than normal people do. It’s your choice. 🙂

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  20. >No, most only put up with it to maintain a boyfriend.

    So that’s why they complain when you’re not interested in them for a while. Suddenly it all falls into place.

    >Plus, it generally doesn’t help that the only girl who wanted to have sex with me was a pothead

    Pot makes for *great* sex (a lot more fun than being drunk in any case). Then again, maybe not in the US, war on drugs and all that would probably make me paranoid more than anything else.

    > Any mention of sex seems to gross them out, and it produces visceral feelings within them where they cringe and feel sick within minutes.

    Probably depends on who does the mentioning. But yes, most rather do it than talk about it. Can’t say it’s much different with me.

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  21. So that’s why they complain when you’re not interested in them for a while. Suddenly it all falls into place.

    No, that’s simply a ploy to trick men and boost their self-esteem and ego.

    Pot makes for *great* sex (a lot more fun than being drunk in any case).

    It means that the female’s ability to choose a partner is impaired. A pot-induced choice simply means that you’re only acceptable if the woman is not thinking correctly. I am not interested in being some pothead’s choice.

    Probably depends on who does the mentioning.

    I mentioned it, and most of these women cringe. Then you have the few who have stated that they can go for years without sex and only want emotions. Then there’s Wellesley Queen who openly called me a beta and stated she wants an alpha male…

    As I’ve stated before, if women wanted sex, they would act (and dress) in a sexual manner in order to entice sex partners. Yet, they refrain from doing so, and idiot loser men instead of holding out keep patronizing women while those of us with standards hold out for the mythical porn star.

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  22. Ahh…David. You say something vague and blatently false…I counter-attack.

    Let’s begin..our endless waltz.

    “Wow. How on earth do you come up with this bullshit?”

    David sez:
    “Inferences and direct quotes from female friends and complaints about girlfriends from male friends.”

    Ok. Write this down…

    What women say they want…and what they actually want are TWO COMPLETELY SEPERATE THINGS.
    Expand subset from women to superset humanity.

    Basically:
    “Everybody Lies” — Dr Gregory House.

    “Any mention of sex seems to gross them out, and it produces visceral feelings within them where they cringe and feel sick within minutes.”

    Depends on HOW you mention it. It all depends on context.

    Look if you mention sex in a mewling, bashful way…don’t be suprised if that is the type of sex that she’s expecting to get from you…

    “Attention whore, mentally exhausted and posting, or just a contrarian who likes Haterade. Maybe as a social outsider, I view the world different than normal people do. It’s your choice.”

    No. It’s your choice. You can pretend to be “outside the social order”, and take a perverse, smug pleasure in pretending to be “ein auslander”… or you can come to realize this simple truth. You are human, I am human and Humanity is all that we have. There is only us.

    By the way…got a call from Jesus the other day.
    He told me to tell you that he loves you…and that you need to get down from the cross…because he needs the wood.

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  23. >What women say they want…and what they actually want are TWO COMPLETELY SEPERATE THINGS.
    Expand subset from women to superset humanity.

    There is actually much doubt whether people even truly KNOW for themselves what they want. Standard economic theory assumes yes (and a large part of economics is really decisions and preferences), but going over the behavioral economics work done in the past few decades you can’t help but wonder.

    One of these days I might try to fit behavioral econ with seduction theory (I suck at the practice, so I can’t really help there).

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  24. […] also play a real guitar. I’ve been working on a new song of mine. I could use an unbiased third party opinion. […]

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