Gentlemen, grab your cat o’ nine tails because we’re in for another round of beta lashings. Deliver these betas from their trespasses and lead them not unto self-constructed torment. Sweet, sweet deliverance.
It was a tight race, but the winner by a plurality of the September 2009 BOTM was the sad sack husband who is aware of and tolerates his wife’s repeatedly consorting with serial killer Richard Ramirez. Tolerance is such a beta virtue. Congratulations, sir, for helping to teach men the world over that the way to a woman’s heart is through an ear to ear throat slit. Preferably more than once.
October 2009 BOTM Candidate #1 was submitted by Johnny Gage.
Amusing? Yeah, sure. Will make other women go “Awwww”? Probably. Beta? You beta believe it!
Just because something is attention grabbing, doesn’t mean you should do it. Anyone want to bet this guy’s wife rocks 200+ pounds?
October 2009 BOTM Candidate #2 was gleefully submitted by waysa. It’s a New York Beta Times wedding story about a Croatian tennis pro who threw away his alpha capital by marrying an older single mom. Just flushed it right down the toilet. There are so many great quotes in this article. Let’s examine the kind of prize that tennis pro Marko Zelenovic foolishly decided to hitch his Croat balls to:
At 18, [Brooke ALexander] arrived in New York on a one-way plane ticket. By the time she was 39, she had a successful career as a model and soap opera actress, a sunny one-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side and a big circle of friends she calls her ‘ohana (Hawaiian for family). Yet she yearned to be a mother, and was known to wear a T-shirt with the message, “I can’t believe I forgot to have children.”
She was the last person anyone thought would be single at 39. “Why would this gorgeous, talented, amazing woman be alone?” said Bill Block, a film producer and friend. “She loved the rockers, the great-looking bad boys, and they never panned out.”
She’s like a character straight out of a CH novel, except I didn’t make her up.
But wait, it gets better.
She forged ahead and joined Single Mom by Choice, an organization that guides single women through the process of becoming mothers. “I knew we’re given one life and if there’s something incredibly important to you and there’s an open door, go through it and give it everything you got,” Ms. Alexander said. The organization helped her find a sperm donor and on Jan. 8, 2004, she gave birth to a son, Jace, in a room full of female friends. “I wasn’t alone,” she said. “I just didn’t have a husband.”
When Jace was a year old, Ms. Alexander started thinking about dating again. She placed an online ad, which was a disillusioning experience.
Disillusioning? You don’t say? Now I wonder why (40s) she would have such trouble (40s, bastard kid) finding a guy willing to stick around (40s, bastard kid, fucked in the head yupster)?
The dude she eventually lucked out with (and I mean she hit the goddamn lottery. She should be making nightly sacrifices to the god of biomechanics.):
Then, in November 2005, a friend said she wanted to introduce her to Marko Zelenovic, a handsome tennis pro from Croatia who is known among his clients as the Croatian Sensation.
Her friend persuaded her to have lunch with Mr. Zelenovic. “He was in a banquette, facing the wall, not looking around the room,” Ms. Alexander, now 46, recalled. “He was a gentleman, waiting for his date.”
“I was very aware of the first time his knee pressed up against mine,” she said. “It was like two magnets connected.”They were rarely apart after that. “I spent a lot of money on baby sitters,” she said.
Future juvenile delinquent and paint huffer.
He moved into her apartment soon after they met, where he slept on her couch for three years, out of respect for Jace.
Wait, isn’t the kid like, 2 years old at this point? What kid that young will understand the concept of respect, or even what goes on in his mother’s bedroom? Jesus, the New York Beta Times knows how to induce projectile vomiting.
“The love I have for Marko is very quiet, very deep and very rooted,” Ms. Alexander said.
Ever notice how the most high-falutin’ pseudo-profound words are used to describe the most strained, mature sort of love? Real heart-squeezing and gut-rending love, the kind that feels like a drug, is never described in this way by young people who are actually experiencing it. I’m reminded again how often “grown-up” dating and falling in love resembles a business proposition rather than an electric emotional rollercoaster.
Mr. Zelenovic says he fell in love with Ms. Alexander because of Jace, not in spite of him. “Honest to God, Jace was an asset,” he said. “The kid, for me, is pure joy. He’s someone I want to be with all the time.”
Still, Ms. Alexander admits she “put Marko through the paces” and “spent about a year analyzing whether or not he was a fit role model for my son.”
The exquisite betatude of the nonjudgemental cuckold in waiting. It’s a self-parody. There’s something wrong with this Croat that the NYBTimes isn’t telling us. Mentally unbalanced? Broke? Micropenis? The truth is out there.
Can it get more pathetic? Yes, it can:
He brought up the subject of marriage a few times; she always changed the subject. “It was like, what is holding me back?” Ms. Alexander said. “It was the mother wolf. It was really hard for me to give up my single motherhood and let Marko in.”
No one ever went broke underestimating the betaness of the man who repeatedly begs for marriage. From a cougar. With cub.
The couple are now expanding their apartment into a two-bedroom. Mr. Zelenovic said he told his bride, “I’ve spent three NBA seasons on your couch. I’m not spending a fourth.”
Oh, you will be dude. At least you’ve gotten plenty of practice.
October 2009 BOTM Candidate #3 was submitted by Cless Alvein. It’s a Youtube video about Establishedmen.com, an internet website that brings wealthy older men together with hot young women. The proprietor of the website is a good-looking chick who is essentially a pimp. She kind of has a face that makes me want to punch her in the mouth. See if you agree with me.
I was hesitant to include this submission, because the beta rolls would be filled with millions of men if we included every guy who spends money on hookers (which is basically what the girls in this video are). But watch from 6:35 onward. You’ll get a glimpse at what a true paper alpha is — a conventionally alpha man (powerful, wealthy) who has no game and instead lavishes insipid compliments like “you’re gorgeous” and must spend tens of thousands of dollars over the first three dates to get any action. This is the all-too-often accurate face of the well-to-do man who solicits prostitutes — alpha in his dealings with men, beta in his dealings with women.
While it’s not necessarily beta to pay for sex, it is a leading indicator of betaness. If you are a wealthy man with money to burn, it makes sense to dump a wad of cash on a woman to pry open her legs with the minimal effort, but you should never comport yourself like a beta. Go ahead and buy the whore expensive jewelry if it gets you off, but always do so with an alpha demeanor. This ensures two things: One, if you lose your money you’ll have womanizing skills to fall back on, and, two, if you act like an alpha there is a good chance the whore might truly fall in love with you and not just your wallet.
Note: Reader “Nicker” had emailed me a video of a pasty-face, plump-lipped, fat guy expressing his undying love and devotion for his girlfriend who was away. It was, without a doubt, the MOST sickeningly beta thing I have seen or heard about in years, and that is saying a lot. I believe he would have run away with the Beta of the Year contest. Unfortunately, just days after I viewed the video, fat dude pulled it. If any reader happens to know what video I’m talking about and has it saved somewhere, please email it to me. What a shame that such beautiful betaness should be denied the world’s mockery.