She Eats Her Peas One at a Time

Women don’t have to be the only ones to enjoy the fine art of pigeonholing the opposite sex based on superficial attributes like his choice in cologne, the color of the buttons on his striped shirt, or whether his fly is undone.  Now men, too, can peer into the soul of prospective mates using the flimsiest criteria.  At least some of the idiosyncrasies I look for have the imprimatur of science behind them.

Is her index finger longer than her ring finger?

If so, she’s a girly girl.  Normal in most respects.  I won’t expect surprises from her.  If, otoh, her ring finger is longer she will probably be more assertive, less coy, hornier, more logical, and slower to fall in love.  She will have likely played a team sport at some point in her life.  She may dress like a tomboy.  She’ll employ an array of head games, but with an emphasis on the aggressive part of passive-aggressive.  Odds are she plays guitar, that most manly of instruments (long ring fingers make fretting easier).

Does she have lots of dark forearm hair?

Girls with this have more circulating testosterone.  They will be more likely to sleep with you by date 3.  Although forearm hair on a girl is unattractive, rejoice when you see it, because it means the moment of sexual congress is nigh.

Is her heart line broken?

Read her palm.  It’s an integral part of any man’s pickup routine.  Even the most intelligent and educated girl will suspend her disbelief when the subject turns to the paranormal.  Does she have a lot of hatch marks on her heart line?  Hatches, or interruptions, in the heart line mean you are one lover amongst many.  Don kevlar condoms.

Which finger does she accessorize with ring(s)?

Excluding wedding bands and dowries in the shape of diamond engagement rings, the ancient Greeks had a system of associating each finger with a god.  The finger she puts her ring on represents the god to whom she pays homage.  You’ll see a lot of DC women wearing their rings on their index fingers, the finger of Zeus, symbolizing leadership, control, and power.  Expect a woman with an index finger ring to enjoy sex on top, demonstrating her subjugation of you, a mere mortal.  She may even choke you a little… watch for icepicks.  A ring on her middle finger, representing Dionysus, means she’s a jump-up-on-the-bar, lookatme chick.

Does she have a large trashy tattoo anywhere near an erogenous zone?

Slut.

Does she sport one small tattoo not of a butterfly or Chinese symbol?

She’s a good girl with a healthy libido yearning for some harmless excitement.  Don’t make the mistake of assuming she’s a slut.  She’s just waiting for you to think that.  Her benign tattoo smokes out the judgemental pricks (narrator excluded).

Does she carry a small purse?

She’s practical!  She’s down to earth!  She has the right values!  The small purse says so many positive things about a woman — it’s only big enough to hold the essentials, like cell, lipstick, gum; it’s easy to carry so she’ll focus more on your conversation than on how best to maneuver a monster purse into a comfortable yet showy position; and it doesn’t insist upon itself that the world recognize her fashion savvy.  Introduce her to Mom.

Does she carry a humongous designer handbag?

Opposite of above.  Her god is materialism, her goal is status, her groin is gonorrific.  Feel free to crush her heart as callously as possible.  It’s dominate or be dominated when you tangle with a giant-purse-carrying wench.

Is she a redhead?

Naughty nympho.  Sex with her will be amazing.  Sign her waiver absolving her of any culpability for damages incurred as a result of the future depraved acts she will put you through.  Think I’m glibly stereotyping redheads?  Check this out:

From the 19th century Cesare Lombroso reports the hair color frequencies of whorish Women Offenders Against Chastity:

                     Criminal    Normal

Fair-haired           26%      12%
Dark-haired          26%      20%
Red-haired            48%      0%
Chestnut haired    41%      68%

Stereotypes don’t materialize out of thin air, you know.  Once your sultry redhead has corrupted your tender heart, pop the question:

“Did you steal my wallet?” 

Is she a blonde?

She might be dumb

Of the 50 subjects with learning disabilities, 10 (20%) were blond. In contrast, 121 of 1067 subjects without learning disabilities were blond (11%)… subjects with learning disabilities were nearly twice as likely to be blond compared with non-LD subjects…. These results raise the possibility that melanin may be involved both in the development of motor dominance and independently in the devilment of neural systems which, when maldeveloped, result in learning disabilities. (Schachter, Ransel & Geschwind (1987) Associations of Handedness with hair color and learning disabilities Neuropsychologia 25: pp. 275)

…but more likely she’s just got a big bloated head from all the guys slobbering over her.  Show her off to your friends while satisfying your cravings for hot, wet, sheet-twisting boom boom with the ponytailed brunette you met at a crafts fair.





Comments


  1. firstly: what does it mean if the ring finger and the index finger are the SAME length?

    secondly: your redhead conclusion. as a redhead, i can say it is true. BUT, we must be tempted and in the mood first. dont expect the perks to come for free. even if we do steal your wallet.

    Like


  2. Hatches in the heart line doesn’t only apply to lovers. It also signifies major events.
    Also, small purses are ugly. My current purse (its lasted me for a couple years) is huge and made of gray cloth. It’s not designer or anything, but it can hold a sweater, book and a large water bottle. You can’t beat that.

    Like


  3. Dear God man you have been killing it this month. At a future HH you and I must talk, I mean fucking Don Kevlar condoms…. there is no limit to your twistedness, please keep it up

    Liked by 1 person


  4. H, if the ring finger and the index finger are the same length it usually indicates a balanced mind but it is supposed to be exceptionally rare.

    Like


  5. Mine are exactly the same length. I’m highly imbalanced.

    Like


  6. my index finger is only a smidge longer than my ring, but I think you can already tell that.
    Does the forearm hair mean that mean a lot of middle eastern women are “fast”?

    Like


  7. prenatal exposure to testosterone increases ring finger length relative to index finger length. this won’t necessarily make you a jock, but it hints that your mind is shaped into something more “male”. it’d be interesting to see if female mathematicians (there are a few) have high ring:index ratios.

    anyhow, H, if your ratio is 1:1 that means you are a good mix of yin and yang. celebrate your duality – shop for throw pillows then hit up the titty bars.

    mm, would major events include first backdoor penetration? and hey, if you’re using your bigass purse for practical reasons you get a pass.

    vk, when i get drunk i turn into a normal guy girls feel safe around again.

    irina, i could. despite your writing’s outward focus, you’re still breezily feminine. i think i could read a hundred blogs and accurately guess the author’s gender 90% of the time. a lot of “me”s and “I”s = girl. re: middle eastern women — the forearm hair amount is relative to the population. this might need some field testing.

    Like


  8. Great entry! Mythology, Science and Player’s Game. Only you could’ve done that in one post.

    Anyone would any sense would figure out that your criteria isn’t completely infallible. However, I’m tempted to say that the purse rule is true: For me, carrying a purse for ‘practical’ reasons only ever happens when I want to bring along a novel to read which isn’t exactly indicative of the kind of girl you’re trying to pick up.

    Unless I’m wrong about the vast arena of girls you want to pick up, and beauty IS actually the only criteria?

    Like


  9. My ring finger is longer than my index finger I’m “chesnut” haired and I have blond forearm hairs. And I have no tatoos. Does this mean I’m slutty or prudish?

    Like


  10. bee, you’re absolutely right, my criteria aren’t infallible. i’m sure somewhere out there is a redhead who sucks in bed. i must find her. wish me luck.

    jo, you have failed on all the indicators of sluttiness. you’re prudish prudery would shame the victorians. and the taliban. i’m holding up a necklace of ben wa balls to ward you off.

    Like


  11. Good luck, Sir Roissy. May all the Gods of the Ringed Fingers aid you in your quest!

    Like


  12. I’m with MM…I carry a huge purse but its only because I like to have everything on me at all times. At night I’ll carry a smaller bag.

    I use my huge purse to carry sanitizer, tampons, every kind of med imaginable, a book, notepad etc…I am a necessary function for most of my friends bc of my big bag and all it entails.

    PS–I love fashion but designer accessories are about showing off…not style. My bag was 15 dollars at Target.

    Like


  13. Ooh, Cesare Lombroso has numbers and percentages and everything. It’s science.
    What can I (or someone else far wittier than me) say? “A redhead knows the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage.”

    Like


  14. […] She Eats Her Peas One at a Time. Visual clues that can tip a man off about the charactertistics of the opposite sex. Very clever post by Roissy in DC.  […]

    Like


  15. I prefer to call my treatment of women “ostrich-holing” them — if you know what I mean.

    You know what I mean, right?

    Right?

    Like


  16. Arm hair can be bleached and the hair color on most women’s heads has been faked at least once. My left ring finger is exactly the same length as my left index finger, BUT my right index finger is a bit longer than its counterpart. Women are TRICKSY critters, in other words, and Lord help the man who thinks he can figure me out so easily…

    Like


  17. Excuse me, if I am hurting your hype and highr spirit! By the time I read all the signs and symptoms, my girl just runs away or my desire just wanes away!
    Our girls – that t00 high-tech gals – can transcend and undo all these petty peppy formula at one stroke. For fun it’s ok, if u want to fool around. If you want to do the ‘job’, follow nothing – just use your instant sense. sorry guys and gals. for I am dampening your spirit.

    – P Sulochanan

    Like


  18. Does she have a large trashy tattoo anywhere near an erogenous zone?

    Slut.

    hahaha i loved this. it’s so true.

    Like


  19. […] If these questions are burning in your brain, do I have a blog for you! That blog would be Roissy in DC. […]

    Like


  20. […] off. No, her face was hairless and of an even coloration. Another test passed. I glanced at her forearms. Also hairless. So far so good. I gripped her hand; she gripped back. Not too strong, it was an […]

    Like


  21. Hmmm….

    My index and ring fingers look to be about the same length. I don’t have much body hair, and shave what I do have in summer, except for the legs because there’s really not enough to bother.

    I do have a somewhat butterfly shaped tribal tattoo on my chest that is a dual “snake signature” and Sankofa symbol. It’s about my roots not my libido.

    My “purse” is actually a Puma messenger bag or a backpack.

    I am a bit of a paradox…former tomboy, but now more assertively feminine. Sexually, I can be a bit impulsive, but I don’t really put my heart into it at more than a general humanitarian level without some indication that the guy’s interested in that.

    Casual sex is never casual. There’s always a reason behind it, and I don’t like feeding someone else’s ego at my expense. So…that leads to my being a bit aggressive with beta male “bitches” who want to have their cake and eat it too. No regard for their comfort because if they were on top, they’d have no regard for mine.

    So there are two sides to every story. A more aggressive woman is also usually more emotionally demanding…much like a guy. To get the sex might not be such a big deal, but to get into our hearts takes effort. If we think that you don’t think it’s worth the effort, we’re not going to put much effort into you.

    …but we’ll blow your minds, so you’ll think we care more than we actually do.

    Like


  22. […] The evidence is in — her right hand’s ring finger is considerably longer than her index finger. Sarah Palin was exposed to higher than normal amounts of testosterone in her mother’s womb. This would go a long way to explaining her love of non-metrosexual alpha men, caribou hunting, moose dressing, shooting, tattoos, having lots of sex, crushing her enemies, and her meteoric rise to the top of the manly world of Alaska politics. Bristol Palin probably inherited her mother’s strong libido. […]

    Like


  23. on June 15, 2009 at 1:15 pm The Masculinization Of The Western White Female « Roissy in DC

    […] if I could feel the cheeks of each woman the cheek of the 2008 composite would have a soft layer of vellous peach fuzz, while the cheek of the 1940s composite would be nearly free of vestigial ape fur. I’d also […]

    Like


  24. test

    …that I have no illusions
    concept about humans, especially women.

    Like


  25. […] again the science proves me right. Always ahead of the curve, I am. Over three years ago I wrote in this post about generalizing the sexual habits of women based on physical or behavioral traits: Does she have […]

    Like


  26. “Is she a redhead?

    Naughty nympho.”

    –hey…I resent that….sort of.

    Like