The Perfect Christmas Gifts For Your Girlfriend(s)

Let’s face it, gift giving is a chore for most men. After the lustful glow of a relationship has worn off (2 weeks), men find little joy shopping for acceptable gifts, purchasing them, and giving them to their girlfriends. This is because men know that, in reality, gift giving is the danegeld we pay to women to put off for a few months any soul-searching emotional meltdowns. Fact: Men could do without the obligations, crass consumerism and bogus bonhomie of the holidays entirely as long as the heavy drinking and eating weren’t scotched.

In this spirit, here is a guide for getting your girl the optimal (and by “optimal”, I mean “most likely to secure you an eggnog-slicked blowjob) gift this joyous Christmas season. (This guide applies as well to you lonely revelers of also-ran holidays like Hanukkah and Eid. Kwanzaa is too silly for consideration.)

The quality and type of optimal gift to give will depend on the momentousness of the holiday or occasion being celebrated and the seriousness of the relationship you have with the girl at the time of the holiday. Generally speaking, birthdays and anniversaries require more romantic, thoughtful gifts, while Christmas and its spin-offs are a time to indulge your inner child on gifts that are fun and show some of your personality. In short, romantic gifts showcase your attentiveness to what she wants, while fun gifts showcase your creativity and aspects of your personality. Christmas is usually more fun to shop for gifts because of this reason; expectations are mercifully constrained, and you can chill out free from the pressure of finding that perfect engraved bracelet which says “I love you when I’m plundering your body”.

To help the gift-buying process along, think of the optimal gift not as a gift to her, but a gift to you — the gift of ensuring that she will put out for another three months, hassle-free.

The Chateau Gift-Buying Guide

If she is a mistress:

Something perishable, like a dinner or bouquet of flowers. You don’t want evidence of your infidelity lingering on either you or her.

Upside: Keeps her expectations low. If you give her expensive stuff she’ll assume you’re thinking of leaving your wife to be with her.

Downside: A mistress always has you by the balls, unless you have managed the trick of persuading your wife to the spiritual benefits of polygyny. Go cheap on the gifts and she may show up at your front door at 2Am with a bag of candy.

If she is a Christmas Eve one night stand:

A six-pack of Michelob Light.

If she is three-week old fresh pussy:

Be careful! Many a man has learnt* a painful financial lesson when his loins were in charge of his credit card. Best bet: don’t buy the potential slut anything. At three weeks, she could still be fucking her ex, or flirting with the bartender she thinks she has a shot with. If you must buy something, make it goofy and cheap, like a collection of Silly Bandz. A goofy cheap gift says all the right things to a girl who is still feeling you out for your alpha cred. She will know you aren’t emotionally invested in her, and this will kickstart her hamster to raise your value and spin a storyline that has her chasing you, instead of the other way around.

*Last night I bangt a girl.

If she is a fling (you’ve been dating for fewer than three months, and plan to keep it that way):

For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band both you and her like. Use her as a pawn to flirt with hipster chicks at the show.

For Christmas, a scarf and a bottle of Chivas. Drink until she’s hot and/or interesting.

If she is in the three to four month limbo between a fling and a girlfriend (and you’re not sure if she’s the one):

For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band she likes but you don’t necessarily like. Use the flirting hipster chicks as pawns to raise her sexing temp.

For Christmas, a stuffed animal with a homemade card (illegibly written) tucked into its arm. Feeling extra generous? Wrap the scarf you bought for her around the stuffed animal’s neck.

If she is your girlfriend, i.e. #1 crush:

For birthdays or anniversaries, bracelet or necklace (stay away from rings; the association is too strong) if you are a beta. A puppy if you are a greater beta. A hot cocktail dress with accompanying lingerie if you are an alpha. A homemade mix tape if you are a super alpha. Play her a song you wrote on your guitar if you are an emo alpha. Airline tix to Kiev, if you want to give her a gift that you’ll both enjoy.

For Christmas, ditch the conventional trinkets of romantic servitude in favor of fun and funny. Buy her a print of that awesome Kramer painting. Frame some of your best photos to hang on her wall (this serves the insidious dual purpose of continually reminding her of you should you two break up). Get her a collection of movies you know she likes. Or Wii foreplay games. Buy her some wicked “Eyes Wide Shut” masks for her bookshelf (or bedroom play). One caveat: Never buy a girl shoes. You won’t get it right, and she’ll resent you for robbing her of a chance to go shoe shopping.

Gift giving for girlfriends is a minefield. If you play the long game, you don’t want to make a habit of giving expensive or hard-to-acquire gifts, because that will raise her expectations and thus make her intolerable to live with two years down the road. Multiply her insufferable entitlement complex by ten should you make the mistake of marrying her. Remember that a girl will evaluate not just your worth, but her own worth as well based on the priciness or thoughtfulness of the gifts you give her.

Maxim #87: The more expensive or thoughtful the gift you give a girl, the greater the risk that she will subconsciously begin to think she is too good for you.

Corollary to Maxim #87: If you are dating out of your league, or you are dating a young hot babe in her prime, you should do the exact opposite of what everyone will tell you to do — *don’t* buy her expensive gifts. Be particularly wary of advice from women. No woman in the world is capable of thinking clearly or impartially on the matter of “acceptable” levels of male provisioning. Even old, fat hausfrau hogs will expect mountains of jewels in offerings from men.

Set the alpha tempo early by dispensing your gifts infrequently and unpredictably. Avoid buying big ticket items like jewelry or superlatively romantic emblems like large bouquets of roses if she still has high dating market value. (One rose is cool, though.) Grateful men give expensive gifts, but grateful men don’t excite women. Be an ungrateful man. Be a Skittles man this holiday season.

A girl who has options simply will not appreciate expensive gifts like a girl who is desperate for your love. In fact, expensive, ego-stroking gifts can shut off the tingle spigot and spur a girl to reevaluate her options on the open market. The way to nip this female neural compulsion in the bud is to frequently pull up short in your indicators of affection for her. An example of an excellent HIOA (humbling indicator of affection) is a pair of tube socks stuffed with Hershey kisses.

If she’s your aging wife in a country with divorce laws that favor the husband:

Nothing.

If she’s your aging wife in the USA:

Refinance the mortgage to buy her the moon.

If she is girl #3 in your harem:

Nothing. If you can swing an open harem without consequence, profligate gift-giving will only undermine your hard work. Instead, treat your girls to what they always get — the gift of your jackhammer. (Exception: when building a harem, it sometimes helps to play one girl off another by selectively giving them gifts of varying quality.)

If you’re trying to dump her:

A toaster oven. Or kitty litter if you’re a cheap bastard.





Comments


  1. If you’re trying to dump her, get her a leaf blower.

    Like


  2. on December 1, 2010 at 11:14 am French Connection

    Where is lingerie on this list??? (worked for me when I’ve been in the fling/girlfriend stage).

    Like


  3. a snow shovel. get her ready for the next snowstorm.

    Like


  4. Why Kiev, of all places, is a place we’ll both enjoy?

    Like


  5. A nice bottle of alcohol/wine has always worked wonders for me. Plus it’s like a gift for yourself, too.

    Like


  6. no skittles? bring back roissy! 😀

    Like


  7. Lottery Tickets make the perfect funny gift. Just hope she doesn’t win big.

    Like


  8. If she is three-week old fresh pussy:

    Be careful! Many a man has learnt* a painful financial lesson when his loins were in charge of his credit card. Best bet: don’t buy the potential slut anything. At three weeks, she could still be fucking her ex,

    haha – Firepower likey
    and he hates
    everything

    Like


  9. Perhaps used kitty litter? If I’m worst than a cheap bastard… LOL

    Like


  10. so heart crushing to get a gift that must be thoughtful, that you know you should and are grateful for, and yet isn’t what you wanted/doesn’t seem to convey the message you were hoping for.

    I go back and forth on whether men do it because they are clueless or diabolical.

    Like


  11. Andrew Dice Clay told a throwaway joke about always breaking up with a girl right before the holidays. “That’s right, no presents for you, just a few loads from my dick.” Gifts for yourself are better than gifts for girls.

    Like


  12. A few Christmases ago I stopped into a place I was driving past. I decided to check out the jewelry. Yuck, yuck and yuck. Mostly designer type crap I hate. I finally picked something that was appealing to me. Wasn’t sure why.

    On gift opening she looks surprised. Great, I think. Proud of myself I say “Yeah, something about it was appealing. Looks like you”.

    Her mouth still silently open she says, “You bought this for me last year”

    I shrugged and got a drink.

    It seemed to leave her confused. Considerate and thoughtless at the same time. Actually the after effect was better than any other gift I’ve ever given her.

    Like


  13. A girl’s birthday is tricky as well, particularly if you are seeing her non-exclusively and want to keep expectations low. Do you see her on her birthday? That could send the wrong message.

    I try to set something up a day or two before her birthday and then maybe text her on her birthday inviting her out a few days later. I avoid the boyfriendy “Happy Birthday” and instead ask her if she got her spankings.

    Similarly, I would stay away from the obvious “Merry Christmas” and instead ask a lewd question about what Santa brought her.

    Like


  14. Has anyone Heard of the Christian Daughters Movement?

    I thought a guy like Roissy would probably jump with glee to know that there are a bunch of women out there who plan to do nothing but obey their fathers then their husband. Essentially bringing back the 1950’s idea of what a woman should be.

    http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/149022/creepy_christian_patriarchy_movement_shackles_daughters_to_their_fathers_and_homes/

    Like


  15. @Woof: Awesome, couldn’t have done it better if you tried. A few years back I did exactly the same thing – whoops – with exactly the same effect on the bimbo. Woo-hoo!

    Like


  16. told a girl i celebrate kwanzaa she got and gifts for all 7 days… wat did she get you ask? a christmas card

    Like


  17. on a more serious note, agree with the maxim with one exception. It’s about congruency too. If you are rich (Charlie Harper), you can go with diamonds etc w/o triggering worth alarm. Same if you actually are a “thoughtful” indie-ish hipsterish guy who gives everyone cheap but cool/cute presents.

    Like


  18. never have a serious LTR with a woman who DOESN’T continue to buy you gifts irrespective of the quality or quantity of your gifts.

    Like


  19. Never realized how giving an expensive gift would make a girl subconsciously think she’s too good for someone – good point.

    I usually dress up in a Santa costume to fulfill her child fantasy, every girl has one.

    Like


  20. Kwanzaa is too silly for consideration

    golf clap

    Like


  21. bitch get that nogg on my nob

    Like


  22. scatmaster

    Kwanzaa is too silly for consideration

    golf clap

    learn to keep
    your dick
    out of the cups

    Like


  23. can’t go wrong with a bottle of wine.

    Like


  24. I typically don’t bother with gifts at all, but I can definitely relate to the times I’ve encountered the tricky b-days of ones I’ve bedded just weeks before. The thoughtfulness can definitely still blow up in your face and be interpreted the wrong way even when it’s inexpensive and you just wanted to acknowledge their presence instead of ignoring them as you do with one of the many holes you’re filling in your spare time.

    Like


  25. A dozen white roses were given to me recently, I was disappointed I couldnt have the vase they were in, he gave them to me at his house. The vase would last the flowers not so much.

    Like


  26. Aoefe, you’re the opposite of my wife. She loves temporary (as opposed to practical) gifts and that’s one of the reasons she loves flowers.

    Like


  27. When I was a young pup, I literally had no money to spare, because it all went to my “career.” You know the drill: rehearsal studios, music gear, hair spray (this was more than a few years ago, mind you,) boxes and boxes of macaroni and cheese, etc. So although I wasn’t much of a gift giver anyway, I always got a pass because girlfriends understood (and supported) my situation.

    But then I’d feel kinda bad, because they’d always get me something nice for various holidays. So I’d make up some instrumental guitar piece real quick (or sometimes recycle an old one) and say I wrote it for them. I’d put in lots of Major 7 and 9 chords, so it would sound pretty. Call it beta if you like, but it was pure magic.

    Like


  28. captures the paradox of women: no good deed goes unpunished because acts of kindness are interpreted as weakness. To quote hugh hefner, “men don’t get married, they surrender”… and contempt is dispensed to the vanquished.

    Like


  29. Hey Roissy, I got a topic for you: will geosocial networking be the final KO punch to monogamy?

    Like


  30. Since I’m already started on this topic, I’ll offer a tip to any musicians wanting to get off cheap and write something sweet or romantic: Melodically, if you have a leap or two of a 6th or a 7th, especially going up (down is cool, too, but up is more typical) then it instantly has a “tug at the heartstrings” kind of feel.

    Leaps of a 5th or an octave work okay, too (think “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”) but personally, I find the 6th and 7th leaps in your melody to be easier. (I started typing why, but it was gonna get really long.)

    One other tip, on the more traditional “Romantic Pop Writing 101” front: You can’t go wrong with this staple chord progression:
    C, G/B, Am, G, F, C, Dm, G.
    A zillion love songs use that progression (transposed to the appropriate key, of course,) but it’s generic enough that it won’t sound like any specific previous song, so your girl will really think you wrote it. (As if it matters, since chord progressions are not copyrightable.)

    Like


  31. on December 1, 2010 at 1:19 pm Just A Horny Dude

    If she is a mistress:

    Then you already fucked up by getting married in the first place, right Roissy?

    Seriously, lots of married guys read your blog. You need to discuss how we can finesse the “being married” part in using game to score some fun pussy on the side. Do your married readers a favor, and give us your wisdom on this topic.

    Like


  32. @ Riff Dog-

    Nothing beta about that, I’ll pull out the Martin acoustic and pull out some recycled easy cord sequence or just thump a few strings on the rickenbacker bass, always seems to work…. Once they see your passion towards it as if they are not there (while playing), the tingles just seem to be amplified even more so…

    Like


  33. @Riff dog

    C, G/B, Am, G, F, C, Dm, G.
    A zillion love songs use that progression (transposed to the appropriate key, of course,) but it’s generic enough that it won’t sound like any specific previous song, so your girl will really think you wrote it.

    Spot on…. almost too easy….

    Like


  34. A lot of guys think I’m cruel when I say that they need to consider women from a behavioral conditioning perspective. Reinforce desired behavior and remove rewards for undesired behavior. It’s basic operant conditioning used to modify behavior. Mystery and a few other PUAs stumbled upon this without knowing it’s psychological foundation when they developed the Takeaway technique to counter LMR in a sarge, but it has far greater applications than just this.

    It’s for this reason a guy should never give women gifts until AFTER she’s had (good) sex with him. The flowers come after a good night of passion – that’s a reward, a reinforcer – never before the act of intimacy – this is a bribe or an obligation. There are many ways to do this; you just have to be Man enough and confident enough to act on it. Gifts are a reward for desired behavior.

    I should also add it’s vital that Men learn this, because it is a woman’s standard default to modify men’s behavior since they hold a time proven reward for desired behavior – sex. This comes naturally for them; it doesn’t take long for them to master the idea, and is thus the best agency they possess in relation to their looks – and to some guys, looks become less of a factor once she’s ensured she is his sole source of sex and he’s dependent upon her for it.

    Like


  35. Walking near a lake, my girl and I both saw two roses ahead of us on the muddy ground; one red and one white.

    I told my girl ”shut your eyes, I have a present for you.”

    When she opened them, she had the red ground-rose presented to her.

    She held onto that rose until we got back to her house, and adoringly set it on her nightstand, later commenting to me what a great time she had that weekend, and how she had never gotten a rose from the ground as a gift before.

    Like


  36. I want something that reminds me of him where ever I go. It would be nice to have his smell or a little piece if his hair in a little tiny flask so I can wear it around my neck. I have a crazy idea of making a small collage made up of both of our pubic hairs!!!haha!! good hey! Crazy hey!!hehhehe!! I bet ya he would love it! I would hang it up somewhere for all to see!!! A bathrobe with my name stitched on it would be a reminder for him every time he puts it on how I would wrap around him. I could go on and on I have soooooo many ideas. hehe!

    Like


  37. This was one skill I was born with. My gifts were usually no more than homemade greeting cards with irreverence, and I remember several had what we would call negs today. I don’t recall ever buying jewelery. Do men buy that shit? The Achilles heal in my youth was approaching, but relationship stuff was always solid.

    Romantic acts are used to close the gap between a peasant girl and a prince. That is what schlubby doesn’t get. A flower in the hand of a peasant boy is a lily for the deceased.

    If your babe comes out of the bathroom in full pajamas after an hour, in a fit of self conscious feelings of unworthiness, call a florist.

    Like


  38. @Rollo Tomassi

    “It’s for this reason a guy should never give women gifts until AFTER she’s had (good) sex with him.”

    Amen, brother.

    Well, unless it’s your mother, sister or daughter.

    Like


  39. True, Kwanza is silly fraud of a holiday created to let SWPL’s celebrate their post Christianity awesomeness (what, am I worong?), but it would be hilarious to tell a girl you’re going to celebrate the meaningless PC platitudes of it all.

    Day 1, heres a pepper shaker to symbolize, uh, world peace (now you must blow me)
    day 2, heres an envelop to symbolize our fight against globalization (now, u must blo me)
    day 3 here is a pack of gum to symbolize the need to recycle (now, u blow me)
    etc.

    Like


  40. I need help..i am 24 and i just experienced ED last nite..

    Help me roissy fans..

    Like


  41. “A homemade mix tape if you are a super alpha.”

    really?? it’s SUPER alpha? i mean come on, isn’t that stuff for wispy hipsters a la high fidelity or something? guess it depends on how you work it idk. also i have totally given mixtapes so i guess i am a super alpha then ha. for a ltr practical gifts are really nice as long as they make sense for the person.

    Like


  42. chi-town

    This was one skill I was born with. My gifts were usually no more than homemade greeting cards with irreverence…The Achilles heal in my youth

    shit-town, the only thing better than your Achilles Heal”” is your writing filled to the brim – with delightfully silly malapropisms.

    look it up….

    Like


  43. on December 1, 2010 at 2:23 pm masterblaster

    an easy way to avoid paying for shit is to steal it. this way, you can justify giving her a weird gift by saying “look what I did for you! I braved arrest to get you this useless trinket!” i have plenty of money from jobs, etc, but i hate spending money on trinkets. One year I ripped a rear-view mirror off the side of a car, put a bow on it, and gave it to my girlfriend. she was appalled at first, but she got wet real fast.

    as duxbury said, no good deed goes unpunished. The reverse of this is also true. bad deeds get rewarded. stealing things gives you “bad boy” cred.

    Like


  44. Remote controlled vibrating panties are a great alpha gift for any occasion and any stage or sort of relationship.

    Creates an unspoken (but obvious) power dynamic with you on top and programs her mind with the idea that you make her gina tingle on command practically through your sheer force of alpha will. Plus creates a (or strengthens the) conspiratorial bond between you. Probably more reasons

    Like


  45. For my LTR’s recent birthday I got her a leather collar from the porn shop and a dog chain from Petsmart. I rapped up to look really nice. She was really annoyed at first…

    Like


  46. If she’s your girlfriend #1 crush, you can save yourself a lot of grief by taking note of little things she likes before coming to “gift giving season.” Then just get one of these things for her. The smaller and cheaper the better. What will make her wet and loyal is not its size or expense, but the fact that you saw and kept track of her interior. She will consider your memory evidence of some kind of deep soul connection, and you, who maybe spent next to nothing on acquiring it, can reap the rewards of having a merely functional memory.

    Like


  47. Feh

    What will make her wet and loyal is not its size or expense, but the fact that you saw and kept track of her interior.

    This works: whenever I want to keep her wet, I pay extra attention to her interior. Especially a 3-holer.

    Like


  48. FP, I’m just amazed at how desperate some women are to be noticed. The smallest thing can suddenly make them create these enormous fantasies. I once bought a woman a teacup.

    A fucking TEA CUP. Because she made a remark about it in passing.

    It’s positively dangerous. Thank God my brain does not work in that way.

    On the plus side, this kind of care and feeding doesn’t need to be extravagant. It’s better if it isn’t. The contrast (small thing, big thought) is what makes it work.

    Like


  49. on December 1, 2010 at 2:57 pm Shrimp Po Box

    For those guys trying to keep it light and funny, I would suggest the Prank Pack as a box to wrap the gift in. Essentially, it’s a box of a completely ridiculous product like, “The Pet Petter Electronic Petting Arm”, “The Family Snugee (a snugee for the entire family)”, or the “Motorized Rolling Pin”.

    You can put your real gift inside the fake box. The reaction of them trying to be nice is priceless.

    I’m not associated with the company in any way but have used these boxes before because they’re hilarious. You can also buy them at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

    Or here:

    http://www.prankpack.com/

    Like


  50. If you travel a lot, a good gift: Accompaniment on the trip.

    It usually costs you nothing or next to nothing, if you’re traveling on work’s dime, there’s no evidence (aside from Facebook pictures), and there’s no risk. The facebook pictures only increase your perceived value.

    Like


  51. What was that about Kiev!?

    Like


  52. “@shit-town, the only thing better than your Achilles Heal”” is your writing filled to the brim – with delightfully silly malapropisms.

    look it up….


    @powderfluff

    You mean like heel thyself of your multisilliness ?

    Like


  53. Kiev? For a hot MFF threesome with a slavic chick?

    Like


  54. schit-town

    “@shit-town, the only thing better than your Achilles Heal”” is your writing filled to the brim – with delightfully silly malapropisms.

    look it up….


    @powderfluff

    You mean like heel thyself of your multisilliness ?

    Chinaman… “heel” thyself

    ps- dearest shit-clown: I’m going to enjoy the living FUCK out of this…

    Like


  55. Jesse Charger

    Kiev? For a hot MFF threesome with a slavic chick?

    Thee BEST thing about slavchix is, if needed, you can always afford two of them – you’ll just catch more stds.

    Like


  56. Facebook Mistress: Copy of “Opus Pistorum” by Henry Miller. No, really. ;O)

    Like


  57. Sweet little mireflower knows his shit.

    Like


  58. Nipple hour has come and it is time to really suck.

    Like


  59. on December 1, 2010 at 4:00 pm The Alchemist

    Reminds me of the Friend’s episode where Chandler has a crush on Joey’s gf and they both get her presents for her bday. Joey gives her a handwritten coupon for Joey love. Chandler gives her a rare, signed, first edition of her favorite childhood book, which he had to search every bookstore in Manhattan to find. When they give the gifts to her, she gives Chandler a long soulful “thank you, that is so sweet…” complete with a touch on the arm. She then, right in front of him, proceeds to the bedroom and fucks the hell out of Joey.

    Like


  60. Good call with the Friend’s episode. Hollywood accidentally illustrating beta/alpha tactics.

    of course, in lala land, Bing eventually uses his super beta skills to land Joey’s girl and eventually Country Cox.

    Like


  61. Or, you can have her steal her own gifts in her fat rolls. Check this out:
    Women Accused of Hiding Merchandise in Fat Rolls

    News you can use.

    Like


  62. Never forget, 5 minutes of Alpha trumps 5 years of beta. I’ve had women sentimentally hang onto the gum ball machine rings I gave them on a whim well into their LTRs with betas who’d buy them diamond tennis bracelets.

    The most romantic things a woman will remember will never be the things you planned to be romantic. They’ll be most goofy, spontaneous, unintentional crap you’d never dream she’d hang onto.

    Remember, it’s not the gift, it’s the delivery.

    Like


  63. @Jake P,

    “Women Accused of Hiding Merchandise in Fat Rolls’

    How the hell do you hide three pairs of boots under your boobs!!! hahahha!!

    Like


  64. Does anyone actually LIKE Firepower’s inane contributions?

    Like


  65. Rollo: “I’ve had women sentimentally hang onto the gum ball machine rings I gave them on a whim well into their LTRs with betas who’d buy them diamond tennis bracelets.”

    I have an ex who still drives around with mayo packets I threw at her at work (russians eat mayo with everything). True story.

    Like


  66. @Feh

    “It’s positively dangerous. Thank God my brain does not work in that way.”

    But it does. A girl is looking for something that better symbolizes her relationship with you. Unless you are a jeweler who met her in a gemstone class, a precious metal doesn’t mean shit.

    Men do the same thing. If you have had close family member who died you would know what I mean. My grandmother’s favorite song and strong perfume bring back a hell of a lot of memories from my youth, not her generic 20k car.

    Besides, I don’t need to read this blog to know you don’t spend a shit ton of money on any girl you don’t plan to marry.

    “You only buy jewelry on 2 occasions. When you get married and when you fuck up.”

    Like


  67. I once gave a hot 22 year old a dollar store stuffed pig doll. that was six months ago. she still sleeps with it to this day.

    Like


  68. “…an eggnog-slicked blowjob”
    man, I just love Roissy’s analogies.

    Like


  69. A cheap yoga mat ($6-10 usually) has been my go to gift for a few years now. It’s a relatively innocuous, but effective neg on their body image (though it has backfired a couple times so far) and provides a good excuse to go to classes with them (e.g. enjoy the view and flirt shamelessly while simultaneously raising your value to other women by accompanying them).

    Like


  70. on December 1, 2010 at 5:58 pm Obstinance Works

    Women like cheap jewelry. Especially fake diamonds. I can’t explain it.

    Like


  71. For a good laugh, and an insight into the devolution of society, go to yahoo! answers and search for “baby daddy”.

    Or I’ll just do it for you:

    http://answers.yahoo.com/search/search_result;_ylt=AulAuvXEkFOCk_UOyKnhDaJ77hR.;_ylv=3?p=baby+daddy&submit-go=Search+Y!+Answers

    Like


  72. on December 1, 2010 at 6:03 pm Obstinance Works

    Does anyone actually LIKE Firepower’s inane contributions?

    Yup.

    Like


  73. Skittles… the gift that keeps on giving!

    Like


  74. Think Yahoo did a number on yoru search.

    Type Roissy blog and you will see what I mean. The top blogs listed are all ANTI PAU blogs and aging Lady Rain is second lol.

    I have searched before, usign the same criteria and your blog always popped up on top.

    Might want to look into this. Looks like someone on yahoo does not like you.

    Like


  75. This: http://azendi.com/products/Shakespeare-Rose-Vermeil-Heart-Locket.html

    But a line from:

    My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
    Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
    If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
    If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
    I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
    But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
    And in some perfumes is there more delight
    Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
    I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
    That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
    I grant I never saw a goddess go;
    My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
    And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
    As any she belied with false compare.

    Like


  76. My girl isnt thinking about getting married (consciously), but she wants a sort of ring. Im going to get her a ring pop.

    Like


  77. @Obstinance Works
    “Does anyone actually LIKE Firepower’s inane contributions?

    Yup.”

    I second that!!

    Like


  78. on December 1, 2010 at 8:12 pm Vincent Ignatius

    Use real lube before anal.

    As long as you normally go with the spit lube method, she’ll be grateful for this Christmas reprieve.

    Like


  79. @samseau
    The objective is to have the hot 22 year old sleep with you.

    Like


  80. on December 1, 2010 at 8:31 pm Gunslingergregi

    Had me rolling.

    Like


  81. Way too much thinking. Fuck her and when you cum inside and/or on her say with Santa like glee “Merry Christmas!”

    The fact that you are even pondering what to buy her for Christmas indicates a beta mindset.

    Like


  82. serious present: Story of O or a chocker or collar (hilariously awkward when opened in front of others, especially family)

    general present: goofy socks

    Like


  83. I’m surprised no one’s mentioned lingerie…..will be a win win situation…(wink, wink)

    Like


  84. Melodically, if you have a leap or two of a 6th or a 7th, especially going up (down is cool, too, but up is more typical) then it instantly has a “tug at the heartstrings” kind of feel.

    Well, perhaps, if it’s on a IV7 chord…or if you are Stephen Sondheim.

    One other tip, on the more traditional “Romantic Pop Writing 101″ front: You can’t go wrong with this staple chord progression:
    C, G/B, Am, G, F, C, Dm, G.

    That’s the time to jazz up the chords with various 9ths, 11ths, 13ths, dim 7ths with raised 5ths, etc.

    Oh, and quartals…so easy to harmonise with quartals.

    Like


  85. Way too much thinking. Fuck her and when you cum inside and/or on her say with Santa like glee “Merry Christmas!”

    Don’t forget to say “ho ho ho”.

    Like


  86. Bend over, baby, here comes Christmas!

    and

    If you say you’re Tiger Woods, you can have more than 3 Ho’s.

    Like


  87. She will toss your salad when she gets the “homemade” mixtape…Super Alpha indeed.

    Like


  88. The girl should be satisfied with your dick. She should be happy just be with you.

    Gifts? I can’t remember ever buying one for a special event. Dinner.

    Like


  89. My god, this post just reminded me that the girl in my bed just had her birthday yesterday. I thought she had turned 21, but it turns out she turned 20! Holy fuck, that makes my happy. What a little sweety. Ok, she gets a present.

    Like


  90. Never buy a women a present. Just give it to her.

    Like


  91. unka Bunka

    A girl’s birthday is tricky as well, particularly if you are seeing her non-exclusively and want to keep expectations low.

    Non exclusively both ways, you mean?

    I always operate under the assumption that I’m her main guy, even on those rare occasions when I chose to be blind to what she is doing when not with me. So I’ll assume I’m the one she wants to spend a birthday with. Which is cool. I’m the present – our time together is a gift. Any thing is incidental. If the passion is there, it will feel like that for the both of you.

    Like


  92. I’d put in lots of Major 7 and 9 chords, so it would sound pretty. Call it beta if you like, but it was pure magic.

    Is romantic and sappy beta? A question for the ages.

    Only if overdone. If done to the right degree, in the right amount, at the right time, it cements the girl to you, and makes you own her.

    What could be more alpha?

    Like


  93. what

    @Obstinance Works
    “Does anyone actually LIKE Firepower’s inane contributions?

    Yup.”

    I second that!!

    Does anyone actually like What’s inane contributions?

    Like


  94. what: I’m surprised no one’s mentioned lingerie…..will be a win win situation…(wink, wink)

    There is never any opportunity to wear lingerie. What, your going to take off all of your clothes in order to put on lingerie in order to take off your lingerie?

    Like


  95. @Just A Horny Dude
    If she is a mistress:
    Then you already fucked up by getting married in the first place, right Roissy?
    Seriously, lots of married guys read your blog. You need to discuss how we can finesse the “being married” part in using game to score some fun pussy on the side. Do your married readers a favor, and give us your wisdom on this topic.

    Pussy on the side is easy. There’s no big trick to it. The trick comes when
    1) You like the side more than the main course
    2) Your main course finds out about the sauce on the side and bolts (takes the plates and cutlery with it if you’ve already paid for dinner)
    3) Food just doesn’t taste the same again unless it has the sauce.

    I specialized in married women for a little while. It was tasty: There was little risk of emotional involvement (though the risk wasn’t zero: you’d be surprised), and while often inconvenient, it was also extremely hot.

    Getting some on the side is lots of fun. But it can fuck up your #1 relaitonship.

    But take this advice:

    What can really fuck up your #1 relationship (and suck the sex right out of it – notwithstanding anything any woman ever says, because they’re all deluded) is:

    If you have no options, your wife will not have sex with you. Or will have much less, and much less interesting, sex with you.

    If you have options (even if you don’t exercise them) and she likes you, she’ll fuck your brains out more or less constantly for fear of you wandering.

    And this, sir, this is fantastic.

    Like


  96. X splat “There is never any opportunity to wear lingerie. What, your going to take off all of your clothes in order to put on lingerie in order to take off your lingerie?”
    –> So your girl is never, say, waiting for you when you get back home from something?
    And, who said you had to take it off? Porn get’s a lot of things wrong but at least they realize your girl is even hotter if her stockings and heels stay on lol.

    Cr “Never buy a girl shoes”
    –> My man buys me the shoes *he* likes to see me in, and that work’s out pretty well for both of us haha. But ya Id be a bit weirded out if he decided to buy me everyday type shoes. Or everyday type anything lol

    Like


  97. I was never into the Christmas or valentines gifts, but it works if u stay consistent and don’t bow to the pressure. I love seeing other womens face when they ask me what I am getting my ltr mate, and I say nothing with a straight face.

    But being consistent she now answers with a straight face for me! Seems proud of it, like my man is doing something different than all of your beta men!

    I may do a birthday gift for her but for some reason we are always broken up at that time! Works for me.

    Hint: homemade mix tapes, classic. She put one in the other day and man it brought back memories!

    Like


  98. Stuffed-animals are cheesy. YOU (Chateau) should know this?

    [Editor: They’re cheesy to men. But women love cheese.]

    By the way:

    Everybody says there is this RACE problem. Everybody says this RACE problem will be solved when the third world pours into EVERY white country and ONLY into white countries.

    The Netherlands and Belgium are just as crowded as Japan or Taiwan, but nobody says Japan or Taiwan will solve this RACE problem by bringing in millions of third worlders and “assimilating” with them.

    Everybody says the final solution to this RACE problem is for EVERY white country and ONLY white countries to “assimilate,” i.e., intermarry, with all those non-whites.

    What if I said there was this RACE problem and this RACE problem would be solved only if hundreds of millions of non-blacks were brought into EVERY black country and ONLY into black countries?

    How long would it take anyone to realize I’m not talking about a RACE problem. I am talking about the final solution to the BLACK problem?

    And how long would it take any sane black man to notice this and what kind of psycho black man wouldn’t object to this?

    But if I tell that obvious truth about the ongoing program of genocide against my race, the white race, Liberals and respectable conservatives agree that I am a naziwhowantstokillsixmillionjews.

    They say they are anti-racist. What they are is anti-white.

    Anti-racist is a code word for anti-white.

    Like


  99. Whatever you give her – don’t just give it to her, make her work for it. I do it all the time.

    My favorite is the dancer gift – I tell the girl to dance for me and if she proves herself as an erotic dancer of fine quality she will get the gift. If I am not completely satisfied she gets another challenge until she passes and gets the hard earned gift. Other challenges might be to draw something (erotic) for me, sing a song, answer a riddle et cetera.

    Girls love it. Challenge is the best part of gift.

    Like


  100. Audrey “–> So your girl is never, say, waiting for you when you get back home from something?”

    I tell the female visitors to my apartment that in Canada it’s rude to wear clothes inside your guests place, just like it’s rude to wear shoes inside the house in Indonesia.

    My parents were habitually nude up until I was three – and one brother was six years older. I’d rather see my girl on scrubbing the floor nude than in lingerie.

    Really, lingerie is pointless. Just be naked. Candian rules.

    Like


  101. By the way Audrey, I rarely shop for clothes, because I rarely wear them. I’m naked right now.

    Like


  102. @Xsplat
    ” There is never any opportunity to wear lingerie. What, your going to take off all of your clothes in order to put on lingerie in order to take off your lingerie?”

    It’s always sexier to NOT show everything, but just the right amount and leave it up to the imagination. Don’t you know what lingerie brings out in a girl? Just wearing it makes you FEEL sexier and ready for ANYTHING!!! ha!

    “By the way Audrey, I rarely shop for clothes, because I rarely wear them. I’m naked right now.”

    hahahhaa lol!!!!!

    Like


  103. @xsplat,

    “I tell the female visitors to my apartment that in Canada it’s rude to wear clothes inside your guests place, just like it’s rude to wear shoes inside the house in Indonesia.”

    hahahhaha!! you’re full of shit! lol!!!!

    Like


  104. “A homemade mix tape if you are a super alpha”

    I thought you meant a VHS with the movie with all of your sexual encounters with her caught with cell phones or cheap cams and edited with movie maker.

    Better playing it at the Christmas tree.

    Like


  105. X splat
    “Really, lingerie is pointless. Just be naked. Candian rules”
    –> Haha clever canajins lol
    So thats how they keep the kidnapped girl scouts captive then, up there in the white north
    Rid em’ of all their clothes and then they can’t escape into the cold ass winter lol.

    But wait I thought you had these girls cooking yr food and stuff too? You wouldent want them to wear stripper heels and cuban stocking’s while they cooked dinner? Poor boy your missing out.
    (And of course an apron if their cooking with hot oil yowch!)

    Like


  106. Also
    “My parents were habitually nude up until I was three – and one brother was six years older. I’d rather see my girl on scrubbing the floor nude than in lingerie.”

    –> Im a lil disturbed that youd make a seamless (haha seamless lol!) connection between yr parents / brother and yr fuck buddys. Thats not cool man, Not cool lol

    Like


  107. Actual laughter elicited at; “A toaster oven. Or kitty litter if you’re a cheap bastard.”

    Like


  108. “A homemade mix tape”
    I assume this means a CD. Can you buy cassette tape anymore?

    Homemade anything sounds like too much work.

    [Editor: “homemade mix tape” is a colloquial term of art. but, yeah, it means burning an mp3 cd.]

    Like


  109. on December 2, 2010 at 12:05 pm Woof over 40 years old?

    Woof – thank god for your assumptions ya twat. Homemade anything… are you fat or something?

    Like


  110. @aoefe

    A dozen white roses were given to me recently, I was disappointed I couldn’t have the vase they were in, he gave them to me at his house. The vase would last the flowers not so much.

    He handed you a bunch of dripping roses?

    Like


  111. I gives ’em a pic of me (unframed, of course). My harem may not be the youngest or prettiest but they are always satisfied.

    Like


  112. Tinderbox

    @aoefe

    A dozen white roses were given to me recently, I was disappointed I couldn’t have the vase they were in, he gave them to me at his house. The vase would last the flowers not so much.

    He handed you a bunch of dripping roses?

    I think its darling: White roses are known as the bride’s roses. They symbolize unity, sincerity, loyalty, purity, and a love stronger than death.

    Like


  113. YR:

    Remote controlled vibrating panties are a great alpha gift for any occasion and any stage or sort of relationship.

    Any particular brand recommendations? I’ve been looking around at these for a sub but there are so many types and I can’t really try them on myself. I’m looking forward to tormenting her secretly in public via remote but I don’t want to waste cash on crap.

    Like


  114. Anonymous

    YR:

    Remote controlled vibrating panties are a great alpha gift for any occasion and any stage or sort of relationship.

    Any particular brand recommendations?

    Great question.
    If she’s the stubborn sort,
    go with DeWalt.
    Or Caterpillar

    Like


  115. What “It’s always sexier to NOT show everything, but just the right amount and leave it up to the imagination. ”

    Depends what kind of body you have.

    I’ve taken the scissors to one girls shlumpy pajama outfit, and replaced it with my version of sexier clothes. I didn’t choose lingerie, it was more of a cross between a disco bitch and a french maid outfit.

    The tits on one of my girls are a crime to cover. No imagination could be sexier. She thinks her ass is sexier unrevealed, but I disagree. A man doesn’t get desensitized to sexuality, and an attractive young body is sexuality. Eye candy needs to be unwrapped in order to attain the full sensual pleasure from it.

    Lingerie may make you feel sexier. To me that would not necessariliy make me feel sexier. I’m not trying to make the woman feel more comfortable, and sensual, necessarily. I want her to feel enslaved.

    Like


  116. Get her a nice vibrator. Something small , discrete and classly looking …. maybe studded with diamantes. LOL

    Like


  117. yes you’re right….and that’s the mistake’s kind I do not accept……

    Like


  118. rofl check this out

    a guy in the airforce gets cuckolded by his wife, she divorces him and takes half his shit, and now hes dating an obese feminazi. It swear someone from this blog had to have posted this.

    Even worse i found this post in a thead about why girls love sensitive guys.

    http://jezebel.com/5703528/who-are-the-sensitive-real-guys-you-love

    Like


  119. @ Firepower

    Tinderbox

    @aoefe

    A dozen white roses were given to me recently, I was disappointed I couldn’t have the vase they were in, he gave them to me at his house. The vase would last the flowers not so much.

    He handed you a bunch of dripping roses?

    I think its darling: White roses are known as the bride’s roses. They symbolize unity, sincerity, loyalty, purity, and a love stronger than death.

    I know you’re being facetious, but the color was fine. I just find it odd that he emptied the vase and handed her what were presumably a bouquet of wet flowers.

    But since she says she would prefer something more permanent (a vase with no flowers?), it sounds like the guy did exactly the right thing. He probably could have gone with the Skittles.

    Like


  120. Promise her anything but give her a hot creampie after tagging her G-spot spot and making her go “Unngh!” for a while… works reliably!

    Like


  121. I have the perfect gift to give your little woman this Christmas.

    A necklace that says this:

    Silence and Listen contain the same letters

    http://www.hautelook.com/product/1335365

    It’s like a neg in a necklace!!

    Don’t thank me, it’s the least I can do for you gentleman. 🙂

    Like


  122. Or… Skittles!

    Like


  123. […] – “The Fundamentals“, “The Perfect Christmas Gifts for Your Girlfriend(s)“, “Want Fewer Sex Crimes? Legalize Victimless Sexual Outlets“, “The […]

    Like


  124. Question. What would give a girl for her birthday? I gave her a stuffed toy for Christmas and she loved it. I guess another plush toy but with a heart on it?

    Like