Time To Fart As A Measure Of Relationship Strength

I’ve devised a formula for determining the strength of a relationship and its long term potential based on the time it takes for me to feel comfortable farting in a girlfriend’s presence.

TTF (Time To Fart) + SOE (Sense Of Embarrassment) / LOF (Loudness Of Fart) + NOF (Number Of Farts per episode) + FDS (Farts During Sex) = RS (Relationship Strength)

The variables in the formula are converted into numerical values.

TTF is the number of months that have passed without a farting incident in her company. 1 = one month, 2 = 2 months, etc. A particularly brazen man would have a TTF of 0.033, indicating he farted in front of her on the first date.

SOE is based on the embarrassment I feel for farting around her. An SOE of 0 is… zero shame! An SOE of 10 is crippling embarrassment, and a burning guilt for violating my precious lady’s modesty so vulgarly.

LOF is based on decibels. An LOF of 10 (admittedly a somewhat subjective measure) is an ear-splitting fart that scares the cat. An LOF of 0 is an SBD.

NOF is the number of farts I feel comfortable releasing immediately after the first one has escaped. An NOF of 3 farts within a short time window indicates comfort with the act of farting in my girl’s presence. A high NOF of 20 suggests a sadistic pleasure with watching my girlfriend’s eyes tear up.

FDS is a simple binary value for noting whether I am comfortable farting during sex, which is an inopportune (or not, you scoundrel!) time to fart that is particularly loathed by women. An FDS of 0 means I clench tightly when I feel a fart coming on, while an FDS of 1 means I help push it out when a fart is about to announce itself during tender missionary lovemaking. (It is especially funny when she can feel the vibrations of my fart against her pudendum.)

I didn’t include smell in the equation, because that’s an uncontrollable factor.

Once calculated, a high RS number means I hold in my farts when I’m with my girl to the point where I risk intestinal embolisms. I would not dare risk annoying her with an errant tush toot. Our relationship is likely a strong one that will last well into the second year.

A low RS number indicates trouble, as well as warm gas, brewing. I fart freely around the girl without remorse because I take her completely for granted. She loves the shit out of me and I know it, so I feel comfortable farting loudly, and often, in her presence, even when I’m piledriving her. An extremely low RS usually happens when I am dating below my level, and is an indication that I will cheat or dump her in short order.

Example 1:

  • TTF = 1 month
  • SOE = 0 (shameless)
  • LOF = 5 (kazoo)
  • NOF = 3 (tommy gun)
  • FDS = 1 (pumping motion moves gas along)

1 + 0 / 5 + 3 + 1 = 1/9 = 0.11 RS

The man in this example has a very low RS. He is probably porking a cow and has her make him a ham sandwich on Valentine’s Day.

Example 2:

  • TTF = 20 months (permanent damage resulted)
  • SOE = 10 (tried to blame it on dog)
  • LOF = 1 (clenched hard to prevent noisemaker, but mouse squeak escaped through restricted opening)
  • NOF = 1 (but it was a 30 second doozy of sweet relief)
  • FDS = 0 (violate such a sacred moment? never!)

20 + 10 / 1 + 1 + 0 = 15 RS

The man in this example has a very high RS. He is a beta provider who is with his first ever girlfriend (and sexual partner). He will ask “how many licks?” when she tells him to eat her out during her period. As long as she isn’t too far out of his league, he will likely marry this girl and die from a backed up fart that snaked its way to his brain.

On average, most of my relationships have an RS of between 0.8 and 1.2. If you regularly maintain RSs in the 0.01 to 0.15 range, you are either slumming it with heifers and calling yourself a player, or you are a super alpha who can get away with passing wind in your HB10 girlfriend’s face while she’s rimming you.

If you regularly score RSs in the 10 – 20 range, you are a platonic friend who has yet to realize it. You will not get anywhere with women until you first learn how to treat yourself to a satisfying blast of gas.

BONUS VIDEO!

This is a reenactment of an actual conversation. It happened in bed, but Xtranormal does not offer a bed scene as a backdrop.





Comments


  1. on November 19, 2010 at 2:59 pm greatbooksformen GBFM

    if she lauighs after you butthex queef when she takes her strap on out of your butt, then you have a helathyly and normal rleationship acording to the old noeocon lady who is supervising, making sure that the butthex is spelled corretcly and in compliance with neoocn magainze editorial standadrths and the TSA lzozoozzllzo

    Like


  2. bonus points for farting on the girl (cheeks to skin), farting under the sheets (then pulling them over her head) or during 69.

    along the same lines of the maxim…

    “if she doesn’t swallow she doesn’t really love you.”

    Like


  3. ewwwww that was sooooo, like, gross!!!!

    Like


  4. you are a super alpha who can get away with passing wind in your HB10 girlfriend’s face while she’s rimming you

    I once saw a video with Chuck Berry doing exactly that.

    Like


  5. By the way, nice use of the “door closing behind me” gambit. That is a powerful move. You should write about it.

    Like


  6. My new t-shirt says “I FART ON THE FIRST DATE”

    Like


  7. Video Reenactment of the Year. girls just don’t get that some guys are more gassy, and have to fart. deal with it.

    Like


  8. Excellent test to gauge Relationship strength.

    Even though it is tough to quantify smell, there needs to be some sort of added smell factor to counteract a misleading LOF.

    A zero LOF will raise the RS, but in reality that silent but deadly could be so devastatingly putrid that it tests the bonds of a relationship more than any clean ass blast.

    Like


  9. @j r
    Yeah, I was trying to think of where I heard that before.

    Like


  10. The LOF variable needs to be in a numerator; as it is, an SBD yields infinite RS, which is not, in my experience, the way life works.

    Like


  11. Reads like a roosh post.

    Like


  12. Retard trying to act like he knows something about science. Consider informing yourself about what a decibel and an embolism actually are.

    [Editor: Another spergdroid heard from.]

    Like


  13. on November 19, 2010 at 3:30 pm Anonymous coward

    I pray sincerely that every single person proposing “formulas” like this be cursed eternally with most obnoxious meteorism imaginable. Om~!

    Like


  14. Will this formula been on the final?

    Like


  15. on November 19, 2010 at 3:43 pm Good Luck Chuck

    NYCBachelor

    Reads like a roosh post.

    I thought the same thing.

    But the paint illustration is roissy all the way.

    Like


  16. This man has game!

    Like


  17. Hot Damn, that video was great. Sometimes you just have to say, love all of me! Was that some NLP there with the “dream” or just some standard fuckery?

    I think there’s a related formula, how much the girl loves you by how soon she starts peeing and conversing with you with the bathroom door open. Or maybe it’s a formula to determine craziness.

    Like


  18. that picture of the stickman farting in the chick’s face is hilarious. you should approach playboy with these comics; they’d publish ’em, and you’d get a financial kickback.

    I’ve got a two month threshold after I’m with a chick at which point I feel comfortable enough to let ’em rip. (the farts).

    Like


  19. Shocking stuff.

    Would James Bond fart in bed?

    I think not!

    Like


  20. this is actually so ridiculous

    Like


  21. Thank you! First time I laughed reading this site in months.

    Like


  22. Hilarious shit brah

    Like


  23. Could someone please implement this formula in an Excel spreadsheet for easy calculating?

    Like


  24. on November 19, 2010 at 4:40 pm Ari Hinkelberger

    “Love all of me baby!”

    hilarious!

    Like


  25. Huh huh huh.

    Like


  26. Science at it’s best.

    Like


  27. Women fart?

    Like


  28. The hysterical video reenactment makes up for the jump-the-shark post. A slow day at the office today, perhaps?

    Like


  29. The hysterical video reenactment makes up for the jump-the-shark post. A slow day at the office today, perhaps?

    I too entered the thread to mention “jump-the-shark”.

    It’s funny though and if Xtranormal videos became a regular feature… might just get over it. Perhaps.

    Like


  30. The stick figure illustration made me laugh until I farted. Funniest post in ages!

    Like


  31. I try to give my girl the dutch over all of the time.

    Now she knows when I’m about to fart, and makes a fart noise right before it comes out.

    I farted on our second date, didn’t hide it at all.

    Me:
    Me: Holy Shit, I can’t believe you just did that.
    Her: That wasn’t me!!!!!

    Like


  32. Most farting is broached during sex.
    The first time it kills the mood because of the uncontrollable laughter.

    After that, it’s just shit-icing on the cake.

    Like


  33. “Reads like a roosh post.”

    No surprise that I love this post. Seriously I’m in tears over here. I’m just gonna watch that video every day until it stops being funny.

    Like


  34. Okay that video made me cry. hahahahhah

    Like


  35. Was that supposed to be a success story? I’d dump you for that. In that video you come across as a disgusting asshole with the mind of a twelve year old, and the dream “threat” was stupidly obvious.

    Like


  36. my husband farts on the TV when obama comes on the screen

    Like


  37. I’m pretty sure they both had smiles on their faces the whole time

    Like


  38. just farted real hard in the shower with my chick.

    it was like she was in a fart gas chamber.

    oh yeah, and after that, i made her cum so hard she tweaked her back.

    Like


  39. You might have spent too much time analyzing this.

    I farted in a girls face during 69. I laughed, said it was an accident and got her to describe what it looked like. Of course I promised it wouldn’t happen again and went back to 69. I immediately farted again. She laughed. A keeper.

    Like


  40. You have too much time on your hands.

    Like


  41. @Legion

    “Shocking stuff.

    Would James Bond fart in bed?

    I think not!”

    Depends on whether he was gonna dump her or shoot her dead after f—ing her.

    Like


  42. What if LOF (Loudness Of Fart) + NOF (Number Of Farts per episode) + FDS (Farts During Sex) = 0?

    Then we have
    TTF (Time To Fart) + SOE (Sense Of Embarrassment) / 0 = infinity

    Like


  43. on November 19, 2010 at 10:08 pm greatbooksformen GBFM

    LZOZOZOZLZLZZLzozlzlozlz

    hey roissy!!!

    i need to apologize to you and the guys because i am about to beta myself and go see harry potter with a hottie hottie hot hot hottie lzozozlz so i can eat her harry pussy eafter lzozozozo and she can lick my magic wand though i hop eshe doens’t give it hogwarts zlzozozozooozooz

    so anyway i am going to see it

    i tried to get her to sit home and read homer’s odyussey aloud to me byut whshe wouldn ‘t do it lzozlz

    but anwyas, this blog gave me an idea 2day and i just ate a lot of beans so i will be afrt lzozoz fart farty fatarat farat farting furing the movie so they can smell snampes and voldemort zlzozlzlozlozloozoz

    i truied to read a herry potter book once bsyst but the pahagan owls sympmbology kinda sucked zlzozlzl

    i could se etyhat ben bernake is harry porrter and violdemenorte is ron paul in jk rowlings head but that is soooo totoaly backwassawards!!

    zlzozozo

    anyssysys all, lotsa cocka 4 la lasies, and lotsa harry porrter pussy for da dueess !!! have a good wekekndsss !!

    Like


  44. Here’s to you alphas and betas!!! lol!!!!!

    http://www.fart-sounds.net/fart_sound_board.htm

    hahahha!! good night! have fun!!

    Like


  45. lol…..good one renegade.

    Like


  46. Stupid deranged creatures. Can’t even enjoy life. Too busy submitting to men/wanting to submit to men who fart on their tongues.

    I hate this world!

    Like


  47. hee! hee! hee!

    Like


  48. on November 20, 2010 at 1:32 am Gunslingergregi

    ””””’Me: Holy Shit, I can’t believe you just did that.
    Her: That wasn’t me!!!!!”””

    Helllll yeaaaaa!!!!!!!!

    Like


  49. on November 20, 2010 at 1:35 am Gunslingergregi

    Yea smell of fart is going to be an indicator.

    I cleared out a garage bay area while having class one time.

    Even I left.

    Was one of my proudest moments.

    Like


  50. on November 20, 2010 at 1:41 am Gunslingergregi

    You can do smell check on it.

    Does your woman wake up deep sleep as if from a nightmare after you farted and saying omg the smell but then when she realizes it is not some horrible dream she begins to try and run for the door from deep sleep to eyes wide open while you ankle grab tackle her to the bed and she is forced to laugh as the tears stream down and she curls up in the fetal position.

    Like


  51. Thank you for reinforcing my belief in how heavily prolish most of the ideology manifested on this site is.

    Like


  52. when you fart around a girl, you’re comfortable around her, but when you trap her head under the covers for the purposes of entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

    Like


  53. Comacho “bring the movies” and his two hoes were the lead segment on 20/20 last night

    Like


  54. I nearly projectile pooped during sex last week. Heavy gas, plus hard nuggets, plus strenuous humping from behind.

    Not sure if it would have been funny.

    Like


  55. Hope you all have a farting good day! hehehe!!!

    can’t help myself….. lol!!

    Like


  56. That door thing is called “the door pattern”, and roissy already mentioned it before when answering some guy who’s girlfriend was about to cheat on him.

    http://www.fastseduction.com/guide/03_approaching/11_the_patterns/p_door.shtml

    Like


  57. Finally, a topic with some real meat on it!

    The princess mentality scoffs at such male pleasure, while they overspend, gossip, moodswing etc.

    Like


  58. @ anon: “Prolish” you say we are? Hilarious.

    If you only knew the struggles we are involved with, you would appreciate the need for occasional levity.

    Like


  59. @ Mathematical

    I would model the equation:

    average number farts = f
    farts per unit time = df/dt
    change in farts per time over given month = d^2/2dt

    All of which would be equal to some exponential to the x power.

    or in other words

    f”+ f’+ f = e^x

    Thus you can solve the differentiable equation to each girl to produce a function that would allow you calculate the relationship stability for each girl.

    Like


  60. Gunslingergregi

    “Yea smell of fart is going to be an indicator.

    I cleared out a garage bay area while having class one time.

    Even I left.

    Was one of my proudest moments.”

    Heheheeehehe, to funny, im impressed 🙂

    Like


  61. Anyone who doesnt get the equation is an omega and farts because it is natural, or a bheyta that would never fart in front of a girl.
    alphas would consider the whole thing hehhe.

    Like


  62. I appreciate the analysis but I go with a strict no-farting around the girl policy to the extent possible, and I find it very possible by simply taking a shit when I feel the first fart coming on. To counter shit smell permeating the premises, carry single-use packets of Just a Drop.

    Perhaps because I am the kind of guy that is always overachieving with women – often either admired or jealous of for dating chicks way hotter than it seems I should – I proceed in relationships as if I have little wiggle room, which means no farting (“little” being the operative word – I’m almost always getting some ass on the side).

    Also, it is important to keep post-relationship sex in mind. Even if a guy is on are the verge of dumping a girl, I am sure most of you will agree that it is best to keep her on your short list for booty calls. There is one girl I dated for-real for about 3 months in 1994. The sex continued on a fairly regular basis for about another 12 years – a 12-year string where I banged her at least once a year, and usually more – and I even got some a couple of months ago after a 3 year hiatus. The Tuesday morning booty calls from her didn’t even start until about 3 years after we really dated-dated, and she didn’t start asking me to satisfy her facial fetish for another year or so after that. Essentially, she was my mid-week fluff girl to get me primed for the weekends when I would go swingers clubs with other chicks who lived out-of-town. Needless to say, little of this would have occurred had I been blasting her with ass fumes.

    On top of all that, I certainly don’t want to do anything which will make it more likely that a girl will fart – or do other disgusting things of that nature – around me.

    One of my best friends and his wife often shit in front of each other, with the bathroom door open. Since they’ve been married, and its about 14 or so years, they probably haven’t averaged having sex once a year. He sleeps on the couch.

    But if you guys want to keep farting around chicks, by all means do so – it’ll mean more pussy on the market for me.

    Like


  63. on November 20, 2010 at 5:55 pm Chris from Dublin

    Fart psychology is very important and this isn’t a jump the shark post. Alpha males don’t always have to be pristine – big allure comes from authentic smell.

    But there must be utmost brazeness.

    Therefore

    accidental FART GIGGLES = omega

    deliberate and obvious FART – GIGGLES = high alpha

    as I’ve already posted, the alpha makes it visually obvious that it’s he who farted. This is, when sitting down, by a large tilt with lifting an ass cheek to let the gas escape (which also aids comfort) or, when standing, lifting a foot carefully off the ground. When the fart is released, alpha man then resumes his immediately prior position and continues as if nothing happened. He makes no mention of the fart and does not laugh or smile. Any laughter and he’s immediately in low omega land so it’s a fatal error.

    Brazen? Yup. Risky? Yup. Worth it? Well, yes because if you pull it off you only have to worry about slipping as her juices wash the floor.

    Plan B – if the woman or someone else laughs at the fart either ignore the laughter or ask “never heard a fart before?” with utmost self-righteousness as if they’re the wrong one. It always works.

    Farting is a very useful tool of dominance between men. I’m a teacher and, whenever I give one to one tuition to younger guys (late teens) I take care to fart in front of them, while teaching. This shows who’s boss.

    I recall one 18 yr old student telling me, after a few months, how he had told his best friend’s 9 yr old brother that there was a stick of gum in the back pocket of his chinos and …

    Afterwards, the 18 yr old said to the kid, no there really is, I’m sorry. So the 9 yr old reached around again and …

    The 18 yr old told me all this with happy earnestness. I just said, well done Stuart, but I was secretly very impressed at how this 18 yr old was learning to tie farting into premier asshole game. He’ll soon be plying back the hot pussy if he keeps that attitude.

    Like


  64. on November 20, 2010 at 6:06 pm Chris from Dublin

    The only essential thing is never to giggle at your own fart (this doesn’t apply to when a group of equal status males are relaxing in their own company – fratboy farts are in a different league).

    Another similar avenue is bad breath game. Women don’t mind alphas with bad breath – and I’m aware that this contradicts all the “good advice” from so-called grooming experts but it’s true. Marlboro breath or garlic or meat breath on an alpha doesn’t reduce his pulling power – how many big players do you know with kicking breath? The 18 yr old kid, Stuart, who I mention earlier, always had very bad breath but always got lots of hot 17 and 18 yr old chicks.

    On the other hand betas with bad breath or farting can expect exile to years of celibacy and hatred.

    Like


  65. This is really damn close to jumping the shark.

    Like


  66. guys, stop whining.

    Like


  67. How would you score on the equation of you put a lit match up to you ass and ignited the gas stream?

    Like


  68. The door pattern is really effective by the way. Makes any woman nervous and insecure. Good one for when you’re going away on a trip without her, and you want to make sure she’s not going to do anything stupid.

    Like


  69. This is brilliant. I remember my last serious girlfriend, I had been dating her for about six months when I let a big juicy one rip right in the middle of sex. We stopped. She got this look of horror on her face as I burst out laughing. She then rolled her eyes and said, “Well, why are you stopping? Keep going!”

    I knew then that she loved me.

    Like


  70. My last girlfriend said I was worthy of an anal Miles Davis first thing in the morning. She was a good lass.

    Like


  71. Relationship strength is inversely correlated to how hot the sex is.

    Like


  72. love your stuff roissey, but….really?

    Like


  73. >Relationship strength is inversely correlated to how hot the sex is.

    whoops guess I read the post wrong. Still having a little trouble with that math.

    Like


  74. http://www.birthornot.com/

    “You can vote and choose whether we abort or keep our unborn child. For the first time, your vote on the topic of abortion can make a difference.”

    WTF?!

    Like


  75. on November 22, 2010 at 12:37 am Gunslingergregi

    ”””””””Saturation missile strikes could destroy U.S. air defenses, runways, parked aircraft, and fuel and maintenance facilities. Complicating this scenario is the future deployment of China’s anti-ship ballistic missile, which could hold U.S. aircraft carriers at bay outside their normal operating range.” ”””’

    It is worse than that they can fart and hold our collective head under the covers he he he

    ””””’Now, with U.S. political, military, industrial and strategic decline vis a vis China manifest to the world, we hear the wails of American businessmen that they are not being treated fairly by the Chinese. And the politicians responsible for building up China are now talking tough about confronting and containing China. ””””””

    Well yea you know if everything in us is made in china where do you think the rest of the world is buying their shit from too?
    It ain’t just us china it is still global except the globe is buying shit made in china.

    I was just looking at projectors and now you can get the no name brand ones hd ready for 200 bucks and they will ship direct from china. No nambe brand. Then the name brand shit which is probably also made in china was more expensive but had a coorporate middleman. Well when the us coorporate middleman gets cut out. Which I mean if you can direct sell like that what do ya need the middle man for.

    Course with a uav blitkriege they can take out all our airports not 5.

    Missile capability just got a fuck of a lot cheaper.

    And the world is still global as far as competition for skilled labor. Like people who develope the war machine.

    ””””China’s missile force has reached 1,600. ”””””

    Course that is probably underestimated.

    A missile is what a metal tube with some fuel and some explosives. You can make explosives out of shit and soap as we were taught by mcvay and fight club right he he he

    Are you telling me that once you have the technology to make a missile do what you want it too you can’t mass produce the actual missile cheapely?

    You telling me that the average missile computational requierments are more than a laptop?

    Yea right.

    The expense is in the research and development.

    They probably making high tech missiles for 500 bucks a pop after the cost of setting up the manufacturing.

    Like


  76. on November 22, 2010 at 1:00 am Gunslingergregi

    Yea that vote abortion thing is funny they had an agenda to show people would vote to keep it then in last 30- hours

    It went from have the baby by wide margin to abort
    257k to 169k.

    They ain’t aborting.

    ”””has us concerned that perhaps some out there are not taking this as seriously as we have been.
    ”””

    They pro life and hustling.

    Like


  77. on November 22, 2010 at 1:01 am Gunslingergregi

    cool the way they doing it though.

    reading comments.

    Like


  78. >http://www.birthornot.com/

    It’s an anti-abortion internet hoax. I voted to abort.

    Like


  79. on November 22, 2010 at 9:03 am Anonymouses Anonymous

    Roissy, this is something I instictually knew already. However, talking about it seems to be a similar test for you and your reading audience.

    On a totally different subject, does anyone get an uneasy feeling that some of the randomly generated icons for some people on here, for example Rarfy above me, are modified swastikas?

    Now, i do recognize that the arms are bent the other direction. My point is, Roissy, I recommend you look into how those icons are generated. I would guess they are created by WordPress.

    The reason is, if someone who is offended by Roissy, they may pull the Hitler action to discredit the blog. I understand the initial attitude is to say, “F those who are too stupid to know how it is created.”

    Just something to consider.

    Like


  80. Infinite kudos, only a mind of utter genius could have thought of this

    Like


  81. Love all of me baby . . .

    Like


  82. some people fart but some fart more.

    Like


  83. hilarious, from start to finish. the video was great. I’ve long held that fart game and racism game, both when done correctly, are excellent alpha DHVs. you gotta pull em off right–no overdoing it, esp with the racism game–but if you do, brace yourself for the tsunami of poon coming your way.

    Like


  84. Weak post.

    Like