Naked Pics v. Special Ringtones

Couples place a lot of irrelevant demands on each other in a selfish effort to ensure the purity of their relationships.  As soon as the demands start ratcheting up and the substance of the demands becomes less comprehensible you can bet that the complaints are coming from a place of insecurity.  It is a sign of impending breakup to have to pay tribute to unreasonable requests just to keep the happiness flowing.

The fact that I keep naked pics of my exes on my computer provoked one of these insecure pout-fests from a girl I was seeing.  She had “come across” them and wanted me to delete the pics to reassure her that I was not stuck in the past pining for a girl besides her.  I rationally (as only a male can do) explained to her that the pics were keepsakes, like any other cherished memory, and deleting them would be like whiting-out passages from my autobiography and turning my back on what made me who I am today.  They were no different than stored childhood photos or crayon drawings from 2nd grade art class.  The part I left unsaid was that the naked pics would provide excellent masturbation material in my old age.

Just when she was at the frothy height of her indignation she got a call from her ex-boyfriend, with whom she was good friends, and I noticed the ringtone was a chirpy musical number I hadn’t heard on her phone before.  I waited for the call to end then pulled out my cell and dialed her number.

*beep*   *beep*   *beep*

The default ringer!

“So you’re giving me a hard time about ex-gf pics while I don’t even merit a personalized ringer?! I get the default?  Not even the halfway decent default either… my important calls get the most basic factory-installed beep.  And your ex gets Vivaldi’s Four Seasons?”

“It costs money to get these ringers!  Why should I spend money on a special ringer for you when you keep pervert pics of your exes?  How do I know we’ll even be together in a month?”

chick logic.

“You didn’t know about my pics until today.  But that extra-loving ringtone for your ex has been in your phone since you guys met, eh?”

Back and forth we went, building to a crescendo of angry wild boar sex.  Most times the force of a woman’s emotions is enough to win her an argument despite the total lack of justification, but not this time.  In reality, the ringer issue didn’t bother me in the least, but I knew that in a girl’s mental landscape an unfavorable ringer discrepancy was a clear act of relationship mutiny, so I played it for all it was worth.  Pretending to be shocked and wounded, I filled her with guilt, until she dropped her demand and stalemate was reached.  The naked pics stayed safe for my viewing pleasure.

I would’ve won in a court of love, anyhow.  Ex-GF nudies are obviously less dubious than being a third-stringer on the ringer team.


  1. Hmm, the fact that you keep naked pictures of your exes creeps me out, but perhaps it’s just a ‘guy thing’.
    I suppose there really was no need for her to bitch about it because she still shared an emotional bond with her ex.

    That all being said, I’d get pissed if I found naked pictures of former sexual conquests on my long term boyfriend’s computer. Porn is one thing, but I find it disrespectful to the relationship if one person is pining over someone else…body or mind.


  2. when guys ask me for one piece of advice i could give them about women, i tell them to assemble an indecent video/photo album of all the women who brought sunshine to their lives.

    when they are middle-aged and invisible to the kinds of girls who really turn them on, and their wives are haggard, they will praise my wisdom to the high heavens that they have something even better than porn to get off on. i don’t expect women to understand this, but sex pics of former girlfriends is infinitely hotter than random porn, even the ones we dumped.

    to be honest, she really didn’t do much wrong. this was a cheeky post. 🙂


  3. keeping pictures of naked women you had sexual flings with on you computer is wierd and creepy. If you had some old dog eared prints stuffed down in some old drawer, thats one thing. Keeping them on your computer means that you probably look at them often…….for jerk off material.

    The ring tone things is also strange. Sounds like both of you have one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.


  4. Roissy–was it hard to get them to let you take the pictures?


  5. top, i just haven’t got around to burning them to dvd yet. trust me, when you’re old and salivating for those young chickadees you’ll be kicking yourself for not keeping a porno collection of your best hits.

    ben, it’s not as hard as you might think. women are surprisingly pliant under the gentle direction of a strong-willed man. when we’re post-coital, i’ll turn to her and say “hey, check out my new camera. this thing is awesome!” then hold it up and take a pic of us making goofy faces. gradually escalate to other body parts. boom. in three weeks you’ll have a video camera set up in the bedroom. a lot of women like to re-enact porn scenes they saw with their lovers.


  6. So, you basically took advantage of her inherent want to not inflict pain upon someone she cares for, made her believe that you had done nothing wrong, and she was the one who was ultimately at fault? You’re an evil bastard….a smart one, but evil.

    She’ll figure it out, if she hasn’t already. But she’ll probably refrain from bringing it up, solely because she knows that, by the end of the conversation, she’ll be the one who is doing the apologizing. So, either way, you still come out on top.


  7. on May 16, 2007 at 2:04 am inowpronounceyou

    I think to each their own. If she can’t deal with your ex pics, she needs to find someone else to call her own. It’s not about “right” or “wrong” as an absolute. It’s about what works for the two of you. If it’s all a preface to get worked up to the wild boar sex level…rock on, that works.


  8. Roissy,

    Let me tell you something, don’t let anyone make you feel bad or weird for whatever floats your boat. Keep it Alpha. Whatever two adults want to do is up to them. If other women are to insecure about it, it’s their problem. You gotta watch these broads, before long they’ll call you weird for getting a boner and peeing standing up… not at the same time


  9. This relationship sounds healthy.
    Thinking of an ex posessing my nudie photos makes me nautious. Thinking of a man I’m seeing posessing photos of his ex makes me super angry. If they’re there, it’s better for me to stay in the dark.


  10. nautious is not a word


  11. nautious? it’s a word now. it means being careful where you throw up.

    couple points. one, nudies should never be used in blackmail in the event of a breakup. two, they’re primarily for viewing pleasure on the downtime, which i take to mean in between relationships and all throughout old age. i consider my pics and vids cherished memories of the fantastic love i shared with the women of my life. i will have them buried with me.


  12. Props for taking those pics, Roissy!
    I always bring that up the 2nd or 3rd time I sleep with a girl… never the first, because they might freak. Most don’t agree but those who do make for some of the most cherished memories I have.

    Plus, it’s great when a guy you know brags about the hot girl he banged but has nothing to show for it, while you can brag and prove it.


  13. your attitude is great, rapist.