Beta Halloween Costumes

You deserve to be the laughingstock of lesser omegas if you do the “couples costume” thing.

Here’s another example of utterly contemptible betatude.

The only acceptable couples costumes are Pimp/Ho combos (substitute Hugh Hefner for a dash of class), or this:

Note that the beta costume is not the same as the GAY costume. If you wear a gay costume people will assume you prefer manflesh. If you wear a beta costume, people will assume your woman is cheating on you.

Here is an example of a GAY costume, so you know the difference between BETA and GAY (sometimes it’s a fine line):

Beta costumes are often boringly conventional. Stay away from vampires and mobsters unless you can pull them off really well (i.e., you actually look like a mobster in real life). Silly costumes like giant beer cans or condoms are beta. The only people laughing will be other betas, and they’ll be laughing at you, not with you.

Reader Matt wrote in with the following suggestion:

My thought is that a well thought-out costume is alpha as long as it’s understated. Oversized, obnoxiously fancy costumes are beta because they appear to be compensating for a lack of personality as well as revealing that too much effort was put in to their creation.

This is decent advice, and understated elegance will usually beat overstated buffoonery. But I wouldn’t write off fancy costumes. If you can craft a fancy costume so that every part fits into a greater whole and it doesn’t look like you duct taped it together in your basement, you can attract a lot of the good kind of female attention. For instance, an ostentatiously bedecked African King would be a cool costume.

Another option is the politically incorrect costume. These will score points with rebellious chicks who just wanted Daddy to hug them.

Alpha costumes meet one or more of the following criteria — they evoke mystery, danger, coolness, power, or violence. Practice your scowl and hit the weight room, and you can wear an alpha costume like this:

If you have a dog, you can boost your alpha score one whole point humiliating your pooch in this:

If you see these people around town on Halloween, there is a good chance it will be me.

My blade will be real. Plastic knock-offs are beta.





Comments


  1. I would dress up as a Verichip.

    http://www.verichipcorp.com/

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  2. i don’t think the girl-on-leash couple are costumed at all… casual daywear for the investment banker set!

    that dog looks suicidal.

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  3. Never did the couples costume thing, but I once saw a couple dressed as Fred Flintstone and Wilma and I must admit…I thought it was cute. Beta as it may have been, I can’t like, I actually thought it was sweet. And I usually hatehateHATE couples costumes.

    Fas as costumes in general go, I’ve done the cowboy, I did the male model, and I did Jimi Hendrix. It got a lot of positive attention, but they were all very peacocky and obnoxious so that helped.

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  4. I feel sorry for the guy in the bull suit, but the girl’s matador costume is cute.

    The poor dog’s costume is hilarious.

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  5. Fuck, I hate Halloween. I’m gonna have to think of something for the law school Halloween parties. For girls it’s easy – just look slutty. Naughty nurse, naughty cop, etc. Any ideas?

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  6. 5 Jack

    Do you have contests for best law-related costumes at your law school parties? We always did. My favorite was the ambulance chaser. Three of his buddies dressed up like an ambulance, and he spent the night chasing them. 🙂

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  7. Elizabeth – it’s my first year, so I don’t know. In college, I had some good costumes, but they usually came from talking with friends. Nobody’s talked about it here yet 😉

    I’m thinking a skater look or something. The ambulance chaser thing sounds cool, though I’m not sure if I want to chase guys around all night.

    My best costume in college was probably Butthead, even though my Beavis backed out.

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  8. Yeah, I am “Freudian Slip” every year. Wear a short black slip, and write daddy, anal, ID, etc all over you body. Double points when I write “phallic” between my breasts.

    This year, I am thinking “Size Queen”. Wrap a measuring tape around the torso, wear a tiara and carry a ruler…and we are done.

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  9. Yeah, I am “Freudian Slip” every year. Wear a short black slip, and write daddy, anal, ID, etc all over you body. Double points when I write “phallic” between my breasts.

    HILARIOUS!

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  10. <blockquoteFuck, I hate Halloween. I’m gonna have to think of something for the law school Halloween parties. For girls it’s easy – just look slutty. Naughty nurse, naughty cop, etc. Any ideas?

    A good law school costume? You can wrap a student loan payment bill around a dildo and tape it to the seat of your pants and go as “fucked.”

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  11. Fuck, I hate Halloween. I’m gonna have to think of something for the law school Halloween parties. For girls it’s easy – just look slutty. Naughty nurse, naughty cop, etc. Any ideas?

    A good law school costume? You can wrap a student loan payment bill around a dildo and tape it to the seat of your pants and go as “fucked.”

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  12. on October 8, 2008 at 4:59 pm ironrailsironweights

    My ideal costume? It would take a lot of time and effort to create, not to mention a massive amount of hair, but I’d dress up as … ah, you can guess it.

    Peter

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  13. I was Borat last year, and after a night filled with throngs of beautiful women throwing themselves at me, I think it may be time for a repeat. Plus I look like him and have the right suit already. In fact, he stole that damn movie from me!!

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  14. I did “IRA gunman” one time. Very easy costume. Just takes a balaclava, camo jacket and combat boots. Only problem with that one is that people aren’t always sure it’s a costume.

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  15. This year, I am thinking “Size Queen”. Wrap a measuring tape around the torso, wear a tiara and carry a ruler…and we are done.

    Perfect Lemmy but what part will your cleavage play?

    I was an undercover CIA agent advertising that I was an undercover CIA agent. I haven’t thought of what I’ll do this year.

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  16. A while back I went as Dieter. Easy costume (w/ sock monkey) and easy shtick. People who “got it”, loved it. Most of the people at the party were too young and thought I was a nihilist from The Big Lebowski. You could update the costume by picking a more recent (but not too recent) pop culture figure.

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  17. That’s the wimpiest bull I’ve ever seen.

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  18. on October 8, 2008 at 7:00 pm How to be an alpha on Halloween

    Halloween once changed my life. I went once as Scarface. Bought a little plastic Uzi, and I just wore a regular suit with a garish shirt unbuttoned and collar wide open, sunglasses. Only thing I bought was the gun. But the crucially important part was, the whole night, I stayed in character with every single woman I talked to. “Hey zhou- say hello to my lil FRE!” “Zhou horny? Zhou look horny”. “Hey zhou – zhou want to make out with Tony Mantegna? I know you do” All that stupid stuff, all night long. I did the accent even with people I knew. At a party, with a girl I didn’t know, I took her out on a balcony and made out with her, slapped her ass, told her I wanted to bend her over right here. Just being a complete asshole. I couldn’t even believe it myself. She fucking LOVED it. She kept laughing and asking me my real name, ha ha, stop, doing that stupid accent. And then I told her to suck my cock, and she LAUGHED. She loved it. Now, I didn’t get her in the sack that night because my ride was leaving and I had to go, but I got her info and later got together with her, weeks later.

    But that night I realized you can be an ASSHOLE on halloween and get away with it. But more importantly, I learned that girls secretly want you to be an asshole to them on a subconsious level – Halloween or not.

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  19. on October 8, 2008 at 7:23 pm Large Hadron Collider

    I’m going as a Large Hadron Sex Collider (with a sign) so when they ask what that is , I say “it’s all about banging our opposite sex particles together at unimaginable velocities” – works every time!

    *curiously, to voyeurs – the faster we go – the slower time seems to pass

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  20. 22 Large Hadron Collider,

    Hohoho, LHC, curiously, to vogeurs – the faster you go – the shorter your stuff seems to be. 😉

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  21. 6 & 7 – rumor has it that in the mid-90’s, a law professor at my school, who was/is known for both his scholarship and complete lack of social grace, was seen at the Halloween parade in Greenwich Village being led around on a chain by a beefy leather-clad gentleman. The good professor was allegedly wearing a spiked dog collar, assless chaps, and not much else. The moral of the story is, your mind’s eye can be a horrible thing.

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  22. Jack #5. Go as a judge. Dress normal, bring score cards. Rate the girls: 9.5, 5.0, 8.7 etc.

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  23. Come to think of it, Pupu will dress somewhere close to the Big Bang this year.

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  24. Well, just how old is Pupu? Let a man who appreciates more seasoned women decide.;)

    Holla back

    Salaam
    Mu

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  25. “The ambulance chaser thing sounds cool, though I’m not sure if I want to chase guys around all night.”

    Yeah. Sounds horrible.

    It goes without saying that its preferable to dress like something that will have girls chasing you around.

    “Funny” costumes are overrated.

    Or skip Halloween altogether. G’s don’t need holidays to swoop girls.

    – MPM

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  26. Mr. Mu,

    To put in a male age equivalent, Pupu has only used a few gallons of jizz out the tank.

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  27. Madam Pupu,
    Ah! A vintage model w/low miles. Sweet.

    Salaam
    Mu

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  28. Ah Pupu, how you elude me. Every time I think I know where you stand, I realize I only know which way you’re going. And when I think I know which way you’re going, I know only where you’ve been.

    You are this blog’s very own Uncertainty Principle made real, Schrodinger’s Cheshire Cat: is she laughing at herself or at you? Of course, Pupu may be doing both at once, if not exactly in the very same universe.

    Dearest Pupu: Pulsing Quasar, Quasing Pulsar…Hot Hot Heat to this cold White Dwarf. My greatest wish is this: May I never cause any kind of collapse to your wonderful wooly Wave Function.

    O Pupu: May I never ever ever ever bohr you.

    Relatively (of course) yours,
    Patrick

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  29. I used to be creative about Halloween costumes in high school when I’d scare the hell out of the trick-or-treaters… no motivation now, though.

    Just dress sharp and say you’re James Bond or something like that. No one would think you were him just by looking — unless you were obvious and carried something distinct — but making people ask you is better than blurting it out. Leave them curious and wanting more, and all that stuff.

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  30. BTW, that pic of the goths is definitely of real goths — you can tell because the female has a man-face (admittedly a young adult man’s face). Only high-T females are into that stuff — goth night at any club is full of tall, man-faced Valkyrie types. Yech.

    Scene, indie, and emo girls on the other hand are very feminine and love dressing cute and girly:

    http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/store/product.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302028385&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442183094&bmUID=1223505555870

    Ahhh, yummy.

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  31. Patrick,

    Today, in light of a costume competition, Pupu fancies to be the Hawking radiation eluding out of a black hole. Tomorrow, as uncertain as you says it will be, Pupu returns to be the Higgs particle, that is, until you find her, she is never there.

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  32. Pupu: I believe Large Hadron Collider is looking for you. Very hard in fact. You might want to let him find you before he makes the universe collapse.

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  33. No worries, Patrick, Pupu is having her big bang bang outfit on.

    BTW, without niels, you never bohr Pupu. Muah.

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  34. by the way way, if LHC is looking for Pupu from Geneva, it’ll take him years if not decades to sort out the data from banging so hard everyday.

    LHC, no worries, keep on banging, dear.

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  35. Pupu: Mu-ah.

    Patrick: And mu-on to you my quantum bundle of joy. And now to bed…I have worlds to dream into being.

    Fiat nox!

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  36. We will see too many Joker clowns this year.

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  37. I’m pretty sure Alpha and Beta are some kind of greek thing… probably pretty arbitrary no matter what way you look at it

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  38. ” The good professor was allegedly wearing a spiked dog collar, assless chaps, and not much else. ”

    By definition all chaps are assless. If they had an ass they would be trousers.

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  39. Damn, this is one of the things that makes me infinitely envious of America. There’s no day for costumes for adults here.

    Oh well. At least I can say that I dressed up as a Nazi for school.

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  40. “Damn, this is one of the things that makes me infinitely envious of America. There’s no day for costumes for adults here.”

    At least in the part of the states where I live Halloween daytime costumes were exclusively a children’s province until recently. Adults would costume at private parties in the evening but, rarely in public during daylight hours.

    San Francisco and other cities like it did and do have a significant population of people that love, love, love to play dress up. We call them gay men. The mainstreaming of homosexuality and the more flamboyant aspects of gay culture seems to have pushed the tolerance level for this kind of public frivolity to new heights and boadened its appeal.

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  41. haven’t been to a halloween party in years (pre kids). Last time I did though, I wore a set of BDU’s, painted my face black, and carried a borrowed rubber ducky (M-16 practice rifle…real barrel, hard rubber body..people get nervous when you walk in with a real AR-15)…

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  42. These couples costumes are beta because they are lame. If you are in a couple costume, then that means you are somewhere with the girl, AND that you have enough of a history with her that such a thing would happen. Unless you’ve played the ‘open relationship’ card or she’s truly bi, you’re not going to be able to do pickup at that party anyway.

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  43. I’m lazy as hell, and going as Smith from the Matrix

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  44. In college I used to ducktape two mirrors into a sign-board like harness and wear them, front and back. When people would ask me what I was I would describe what they were wearing but in a funny/insulting/complimentary way depending on who I was speaking to and how they were acting. “I’m a slutty cop that’s trying too hard” or “I’m a power ranger that can’t seem to hold her liquor” etc.

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  45. on November 2, 2009 at 12:22 am gunslingergregi

    ”””””’My blade will be real. Plastic knock-offs are beta.
    ””””

    lol

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  46. on November 2, 2009 at 2:35 am masterblaster

    is me in a priest costume and my girlfriend in a slutty altar boy outfit really beta?

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