Ex Categories

One of the advantages of having a lot of experience under your belt is the fun you can have amusing yourself by categorizing your exes. And then writing a blog post about it later.

  • Fondly remembered

She was a good girl (rare). She treated you well. She loved you right. But maybe she was a point or two below your beauty ideal, so you left her to hunt for hotter quarry, walking away with nothing but warm memories of her. You miss her in that “wistfully smile thinking of her” way, not in that “gotta get back with her and tap that one more time” way. Normally, we refer to these girls as “former lovers” (you broke up on good terms) or “past lovers” (she moved to another country), not “exes”. Her inner beauty is the standard by which you measure every woman you date.

  • Indifferent

If she’s in your indifferent category, she should consider herself lucky… you won’t stalk her underneath her bedroom window, masturbating furiously. After a few days have passed post-breakup, you’ll be hard pressed to remember the name of a girl in this category. She was nothing more than a vagina supported by a human organism that you pleasured yourself into.

  • Hated Hos

These exes are the ropey tapeworm-infested turds that issued from Satan’s scalding anus. They represented the worst of the modern American woman. Odds are she was a lawyer or PR rep. Your “relationship” with her felt like war, with troops amassed on the field of hate, locked in eternal struggle, gaining or losing inches of emotional territory, a Battle Royale for “hand”. The upside to inspiring your hate is that you learn a valuable lesson from them… namely, how to spot their kind before they “accidentally” leave their earrings at your place. If you post an internet sex vid of an ex, this is the girl you will gleefully dishonor. Consider it proactive karma.

  • Regretfully remembered

You don’t hate these exes, but you wish you hadn’t got involved with them. A girl in this category has left you with a bad taste in your mouth and a rash on your junk. She’s the one you found out later had been with triple digit sex partners before she met you, and probably a few more while you were dating. You’ve caught her flirting with the guy at your favorite fast food joint who prepares your falafel platter, and you wondered what the hell else they had going on. She’s a psycho, a stalker, a slut, a drama queen, a catty backstabber, and a utensil-throwing, suicide-threatening, hey-check-out-my-big-black-dildo, stick-her-finger-up-your-asshole-during-sex whirlwind of whorishness all wrapped up in one. She was good to you on paper, but you couldn’t compete with her id — all she could do was think with her clit. This is the girl who made a confirmed cynic out of you. She is the most likely candidate to wind up a pathetic cougar.

  • That one sex act

Every guy has flashbacks of intense sexual moments with one or more of their exes. Women remember anniversaries, gifts given and received, the color of your shirt when you first kissed her, but we men mostly remember one thing — that time we had you bent over the back of the sofa with your jeans down around your ankles as we were drilling you from behind and watching the whole thing in a floor length mirror nearby. In fact, a man can measure the strength of his love for an ex and how long it will take him to get over her by the number and clarity of sex acts he remembers. The dirty memory of a truly hot ex will give a guy a boner faster than a mediocre looking girl standing right in front of him.

  • The one who got away

Don’t front, tough guy. Every man has that One Girl (or ten girls) Who Got Away, taunting him from the shadows of his past. If you don’t, you haven’t lived. You’ve learned so much from your experience with this one girl, and you’ve become a better man for it, stronger in spirit and resilient in adversity, but… you still wish it hadn’t fallen apart. She is the force of nature against which all future women will compete… and come up short.





Comments


  1. on November 19, 2008 at 12:34 pm ironrailsironweights

    How about another category: “What was her name …?” I dated this woman for a few months in the mid-1990’s, before meeting the woman who’s now my wife. Even though it’s been less than 15 years I ‘m finding it harder and harder to remember anything about her. And no, I’m not old enough to be senile, or … what was I saying?

    Peter

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  2. roissy:

    She is the most likely candidate to wind up a pathetic cougar.

    Heh. Yep. Couple years ago I was dating this one — a hot 21yo wild-child who worked in the nightclub scene here. The “knows everyone” type. A total barfly, but she was a blast. Very cool chick. I couldn’t believe my luck. Hence, she rattled my game. I kept vacillating between being too needy vs. too aloof. I liked her that much. One day she asks if it’s ok to break plans with me in order to go to a fairly large social event here in town. I played it cool: “Sure babe, I’ve got something else to do that day anyway.”

    I find out later she ended up banging Mr. Roided-Out, Tribal-Tattooed, Bartender/Sportsfisherman Guy. I found out because she posted half-naked pics of herself and said dude on her MYSPACE PAGE.

    Good riddance.

    The dirty memory of a truly hot ex will give a guy a boner faster than a mediocre looking girl standing right in front of him.

    TRUTH

    Don’t front, tough guy. Every man has that One Girl (or ten girls) Who Got Away, taunting him from the shadows of his past. If you don’t, you haven’t lived. You’ve learned so much from your experience with this one girl, and you’ve become a better man for it, stronger in spirit and resilient in adversity, but… you still wish it hadn’t fallen apart. She is the force of nature against which all future women will compete… and come up short.

    My Finnish-Mexican hellmatrix.

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  3. I’m happy/sad to say that I do have the One That Got Away. She brings a smile to my face everytime I think of her.

    I’m also lucky to have lived long enough to get revenge on my first love. We met in Paris (true), both students, and fell in love. We tramped around Paris, took the train to Rome, rode a rented Vespa all around Italy for a week together, wine, love, romance, fantastic sex.

    Then we got home. About a week after coming home, she throws a party at her place. We get a local band to play in the backyard (a then-unknown O.C. band called No Doubt, then a ska band).

    I’m bouncing around at the party when I realize that my girl is hitting on one of the guys in the band. I go from happy to worried to heartsick in all of 10 minutes.

    I end up in the middle of the street with her about five minutes later, talking to her furiously about this. It is clear she wants me gone and to shut the hell up so she can get back to her new interest. I remember exactly what I said.

    I said: Yeah, you go back in their and be with your fucking guitarist. You do that, you little shithead. But there will be a time, years from now, but it will come, when you will look back at your betrayal of me tonight and realize that you stupidly passed on what will be for you the best man you have ever been with. And you will miss me and you will regret it. You won’t even have Paris to remember because your shitty little act here will have ruined it. Good bye and fuck you.

    20 years later she calls me at work, having tracked my phone number down. She’s in Illinois now. She called to tell me that I was right that night. Now she’s middle-aged, alone, and lonely.

    I laughed and hung up the phone.

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  4. Proactive karma, huh? Say, Roissy I sent you a pic a few months back. Had a computer breakdown since and lost a few back-ups. Think you might still have it kicking around?

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  5. “The one that got away.”

    What is this weak shit?

    Totally not alpha, bro.

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  6. on November 19, 2008 at 1:28 pm ironrailsironweights

    @ Jourdan –
    Funny story, but consider how different the ending might have been … if the chick had hit it off with the guitarist (Tom Dumont?) and ended up marrying him, she’d be rich today.

    Peter

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  7. Yeah, Peter, but she’d still be a little bitch. Actually, most rich women I know are quite like her in many ways.

    The guitarist in question was then in No Doubt but wasn’t with them when they hit it big after a change in direction. I think he was related to Stefani, maybe a brother?

    This was in Brea, Calif, late 1989 or early 1990, if you’d care to look it up in the band’s history. Back then, ND was connected to the O.C. mod scene, and definitely a ska band.

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  8. on November 19, 2008 at 1:52 pm Married But Cool

    Roissy –

    Customer service request. Bring back the comment numbers. Easier to cross reference. These are problems only a successful web site need address.

    I’d enjoy your break down of this ridiculous Brad Pitt pic.

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,454284,00.html

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  9. This all gives me reinforcement to my theory to never “date” one girl.

    Always, and I mean always juggle as many girls as you can at all times.

    That way you may “stumble but you still won’t lose”.

    Stay Undefeated.

    – MPM (Undefeated since 1998)

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  10. “I’d enjoy your break down of this ridiculous Brad Pitt pic.

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,454284,00.html

    You didn’t ask me, but I will anyways.

    She looks like a tranny.

    He looks like a nonce.

    – MPM

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  11. @ Jourdan –
    Funny story, but consider how different the ending might have been … if the chick had hit it off with the guitarist (Tom Dumont?) and ended up marrying him, she’d be rich today.

    Like that was likely to happen. How often do easy chicks that hook up with low-level band members end up getting taken seriously? Even if by some miracle she did get taken seriously beyond a one-night stand, he would have traded up the moment he got famous and had access to higher quality poon.

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  12. Stefani’s brother was in the band up until just before they made it big and actually co-wrote their first bit hit Don’t Speak.

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  13. i have 2 ex categories: the boring or those with mental health issues.

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  14. Pitt looks a metrosexual Charles De Gaulle in that photo.

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  15. brad pitt can do whatever he wants, hence the eccentric hollywood millionaire mustache. doesnt give a fuck what his expression is on film. happy being the family guy/mr. mom because she still blows him on the reg.

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  16. Hey, T, really enjoyed your travel series. Especially the part about being able to have decent discussions in Amsterdam. I don’t understand why people here can’t have discussions like that, but your notice of it was right on target.

    I’m not sure I would want to live there, but it was damn refreshing to be able to exchange with people at that level in any old cafe or coffeehouse.

    A few did try that subtle passive-aggressive anti-American bs your wrote about but they are easy enough to handle.

    And those Dutch girls…..yowza.

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  17. ASDF:

    That was hilarious!

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  18. Jourdan, that’s the second time this week I’ve read a reference to Brea. I’m from Fullerton, graduated HS in ’89 and got the hell out.

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  19. Jourdan, that’s the second time this week I’ve read a reference to Brea. I’m from Fullerton, graduated HS in ’89 and got the hell out.

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  20. Good move, SD. I did the same. (Though I miss Rutabegorz)

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  21. Actually, better than Jesus Christ –

    Scroll down these comments on orthopedic surgeons, and tell me if they are interchangeable with what people would say of your average Alpha Male –

    http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105×7664138#7664211

    Note the Primary Care Physician “totally creeped me out.” = Beta

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  22. I think you forgot the “stank-ass rancid pussy” group.

    Didn’t you have someone shit on your or something?

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  23. “that’s the second time this week I’ve read a reference to Brea. I’m from Fullerton, graduated HS in ‘89 and got the hell out.”

    Good move. I hate Orange County.

    More cops than criminals, no culture, horrible nightlife. And those are the bright spots.

    And I have really only been to the crown jewels of Orange County: Newport Beach, CDM, and Laguna Beach.

    Easy girls though.

    But once you set up shop there and start swooping all the girls there, every guy in the place hates you.

    Brea and Fullerton are unthinkable.

    – MPM

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  24. Holy crap. I have at least one in each category.

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  25. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ceasing to look like the gorgeous movie stars, and starting to look like typical stressed parents who are getting the shit kicked out of them by their kids’ needs. Deep down, this makes me very happy.

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  26. Jourdan, great story. I’m curious, do you think she’d have changed her mind if you walked at the slightest cue to her disloyalty?

    I’ve learned to walk from chicks at the smallest slight, and though the girls don’t usually call back, it builds character.

    *It’s good she got away, but perhaps you could’ve continued to fuck her on the regular, insouciantly. She also only felt she lost when she no longer had anything to offer.

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  27. “… the one that got away…”

    It’s only honesty accepting that if you go hunting the Wild10, from time to time, you catch the tiger by the tail and can’t keep her.

    Maybe not alpha, but certainly true.

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  28. @Higher Power- If you are or studying to be an orthopedic surgeon, good for you. Few people make it to medical school and even fewer go on to become surgeons. There is really no need for you to prove your professions worth to any commenter here. You like it I love it. Some people will always have something negative to say.

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  29. Tupac said I found out because she posted half-naked pics of herself and said dude on her MYSPACE PAGE
    SMDH
    Pure trash

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  30. The picture of a perfect woman that is on the bottom of the page of the link that Roissy left after the underlined hyperlink “come up short”, has quite a bit of blonde hair on her forearm. Lots of free circulating testosterone there, probably a masculine digit ratio= good, healthy sex drive.

    I’d miss her too. We all would.

    No cold fish woman will ever get a man wistful for her years later, but a hot-blooded woman will. He will remember that hot passionate lovemaking ladies with the aggressive kissing and touching. If you deny him this, you gals are risking losing him to another woman who wants him more.

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  31. Only two categories:

    Still Fuckable

    and

    Unfuckable

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  32. Pure trash

    I’d keep banging her for as long as possible knowing full well that the relationship will eventually end.

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  33. Angelina’s a good actress but there’s no way she’ll be able to age gracefully like Susan Sarandon. Her real nature is that of a wild freak and once her looks go she’ll have trouble doing mom roles.

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  34. “She is the most likely candidate to wind up a pathetic cougar.”

    All the cougars I see in pop culture are sexy milfs. The women you all describe sound skanky, nasty and likely to be used up hags at 30

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  35. My sister is a prosecuting attorney who told me that MySpace is a boon to her profession because people frequently post descriptions of themselves doing illegal things.

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  36. “My sister is a prosecuting attorney who told me that MySpace is a boon to her profession because people frequently post descriptions of themselves doing illegal things.”

    Its true.

    This guy just got ship sunk for second degree murder in the tony san diego beach town La Jolla because of myspace:

    http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/metro/20081119-9999-1n19cravens.html

    The new generation of “Internet Gangsters” is making Bugsy Siegel roll over in his grave.

    – MPM

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  37. In 2006 a former NYT reporter was murdered in the Tenleytown neighborhood here in DC. A security video of the killer was broadcast on the news, which prompted to march into a police station and demand to know why cops were putting his picture on TV. As cops say “It’s easy to catch them because they’re stupid.”

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/09/20/AR2006092000642.html

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  38. basil –

    Walking away at the first sign of her disloyalty is something I would consider now, but then…well, I was very, very young and she was my first real love. Let’s say it was the first wake up call as to how things work.

    I don’t need to tell the readers of this blog, or its author, that despite what one sees on TV or the movies or has been taught by women, we all know that most men enter the adult world with very good intentions and healthy sensibility and sensitivity, which then gets kicked out of them by these seemingly sweet, lovely girls. Who go blameless and who then bitch and moan about what they’ve done.

    As an older guy now, it really pains me to see good, decent honest boys going through similar experiences. I’m happy I’m around to help as I can and steer them away from self-destructive responses or the dangers of seductive cynicism.

    I guess I’m lucky, in a way. My experience with my first love taught me a lesson that was so stark, so barren, so definitive that there was no way for me to explain it away or rationalize it.

    I learned and moved on, though it took me a while to see a few deeper truths.

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  39. Jourdan said, “I laughed and hung up the phone.”

    Good on you. I’ve done the same myself a few times, or the online equivalent when they find me on Facebook or something.

    “As an older guy now, it really pains me to see good, decent honest boys going through similar experiences. I’m happy I’m around to help as I can and steer them away from self-destructive responses or the dangers of seductive cynicism.”

    It pains me too. I sometimes wonder if my parents would have been such a successful couple of they’d been born in my generation.

    My mom gave me some very good advice though, that confirmed my own conclusions about the situation. That is that tolerance is okay so long as it ends at my doorway. As sorry as I feel for both men and women who are struggling in this horrid scene, and as much as I want to help, in my personal life, I want someone who, like me, is a survivor, not a self pitier.

    But then I thought to myself, isn’t that what everyone smart wants?

    This is one reason that when I’m surfing around the net on my breaks, looking for something to do, I more often find myself at male run sites than female run ones, with the exception of HB. Women are already warned about the nature of cads, but men are not as well informed about the nature of bitches.

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  40. As cops say “It’s easy to catch them because they’re stupid.”

    True. People who post here are quite above average in smarts and rarely interact with very stupid people. So sometimes it’s easy to forget that most of the human population is not as smart as us and our frieds, co-workers, and so on. And to boot, violent criminals tend to be even more stupid, sometimes borderline retarded.

    So it’s no wonder that many criminals give the police and prosecutors “freebies” such as showin up at “parole violators party where you can win a brand new car,” which are in reality sting operations. or they brag to everyone they know about what they did. Or post videos on the internet.

    But there are other ways in which a criminal can give himself away, even (especially?) when he’s an intelligent person.

    One, he can feel anxious to revisit the crime scene to make sure that he left no evidence behind.

    And two, there is the Raskolnikov effect, of acting on a powerful subconscious impule to turn yourself in out of guilt, in spite of one’s conscious desire to evade arrest.

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  41. on November 20, 2008 at 9:51 am ironrailsironweights

    The picture of a perfect woman that is on the bottom of the page of the link that Roissy left after the underlined hyperlink “come up short”, has quite a bit of blonde hair on her forearm.

    It isn’t forearm hair that makes a woman perfect.

    Peter

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  42. Has roissy got a view on revenge? Is it an alpha trait – if executed correctly – or beta weakness?

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  43. Has svd got a mind of his own? Is it an alpha trait to hang on somebody’s every word, or beta weakness?

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  44. Here’s a category Roissy must have left out. I’m happy to fill it in.

    The Celebrity
    You never forget your first celebrity. Getting her to be wild and exit her bubble of nervous hangers-on, getting chased by paparazzi, getting called the “mystery man” for a while, then authorizing your buddies to leak to the tabs that you’re an “investor.” (Betas dating celebrities get called “Mr. (GF name).”

    Reversing the pregnancy trap – in this case, -you- are the one who benefits from an unplanned pregnancy.

    It just takes one celebrity, and then you’re DHVed with all the others.

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  45. on November 20, 2008 at 1:51 pm Charlton heston

    The girl with the black dildo slut whore sounds exciting!!

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  46. She is the force of nature against which all future women will compete… and come up short.

    Pardon me for being one of the most arrogant bitches on this site, but somehow I’ve almost always ended up in this category. Don’t ask me why.

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