Flimsy Excuses I Use To Get Girls Back To My Place

Here are some of the transparent excuses I tell a girl at the end of the night to get her back to Le Chateau for a little of the ol’ flogging, branding, and penis-whipping:

“Hey, I just got my black and white photographs framed. Unlike so many people, I know you’re able to appreciate art, so let’s take a look and tell me what you think.”

“I’m thirsty. How about you? Let’s go back to my place and have a glass of delicious DC tapwater.”

“I also play a real guitar. I’ve been working on a new song of mine. I could use an unbiased third party opinion. Playing for my Mom isn’t cutting it anymore. Come over and have a listen.”

“You’ve gotta check out the view from my balcony.”

“Let’s swing by my place for a couple of girly drinks then head back out to play some Wii.”

“I collect old jazz recordings [editor’s note: I have a few jazz CDs given to me by exes]. We’ll go back and listen to them properly, with a glass of red wine.”

“Have you ever seen a houseplant with one leaf? I’ll bring you back to my place to look, but no touching. It’s very delicate.”

***

If I sense she is hesitating, I usually punctuate each flimsy excuse with something like, “But we can only stay for a bit, I have to get up early. So try to keep your hands to yourself.” That never fails except on the high self-esteem girls who want you for a boyfriend and are fighting to control the pace of the dating.

Will she see through these obvious ploys? Of course she will. But that’s not the point. She doesn’t need your reason to be airtight, she just wants you to know what you’re doing. That means, make statements, and don’t ask. Saying “Would you like to come back to my place?” is a mood killer. She doesn’t want to have to make that decision. She wants to follow your lead.

It also means not making her feel like a slut. So no matter how absurd your excuse to get her into your lair it’s still better than saying “Let’s go back to my place and fuck.” She just needs plausible deniability, however gossamer thin, to rationalize that her decision to go home with you was not the action of a loose harlot.

Don’t be a noodle-dick and depend on women to make the first move. You must have these excuses ready for every date you go on. In my experience, no quality girl worth having for the long term will offer to go back with you to either her place or yours. That’s akin to offering sex. Only high testosterone whores and cougars do this. Remember, if she’s offered to you, she’s offered to 20 other guys she met in a bar. Wear a condom coated with Doxycycline.

Some very brave and horny girls who want to preserve at least a shadow of their feminine mystique will hint at going back with you by mentioning their cute schnauzer puppy or their roommate’s erotic figurine collection. In these instances, you should recognize what she really wants and immediately take the reins by suggesting that you’d love to walk her home and pet her schnauzer.





Comments


  1. Honestly, I would rather have a guy say “Let’s go back to my place and fuck.” Like, cut to the fucking chase.

    It is interesting when a girl uses a line on a boy. A female friend of mine was waiting in line for the bathroom with a guy once and said, “I bet there isn’t a line at your place…let’s go try there”. His dick nearly shriveled and fell off. Don’t be threatened fellas; carpe diem!

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  2. “I’d like you to come back to my place … but only if you’re unshaved.”

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  3. A good one that I often use is that I just hung new drapes and tried to match their color to the sofa and the wood floor, but could use a girl’s opinion.
    Girls love that home decorating shit.

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  4. Hey isn’t the view from your balcony facing the back of another building???

    OH, I get it…. damn that’s dirty

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  5. Why not go with the “wanna go somewhere quiet?” They get the drift, you get the green flag. All that other crap is for the performing arts… I mean, it’ll be kinda obvious. Oh wait, you live in DC (what the hell is going on there?).

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  6. YMMV, but I find flimsy excuses, upon introspection in the aftermath, usually mean I am being too aggressive and rushing matters along. Perhaps it’s the classical upbringing, but I like the romance and chase to an extent, so I have no need to get her that night. Usually on the third or fourth date I just bring her home and it takes the blow from a feather to knock her into the bed and between the sheets.

    And sometimes, just sometimes, fortune favors the brave as well as the foolish. In a dinner and movie combo, the movie was abysmal. She leaned in and I kissed her and the makeout session was on. The simple truth of “This movie is lousy. Let’s go. I need to make love.” was enough. She was quiet as a mouse the whole way back and a passion kitty once thru the door.

    I suppose the moral of the story is to take your time and be open to what she’s feeling and willing to do. The deep truth is that once a girl kisses you, sleeping with you is the logical conclusion if you follow the mating dance steps to their end.

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  7. Roissy darling, you’ve reminded me of the famous line from Mae West –“come up and see me sometime when I’ve got nothing but the radio on.”

    Liked by 1 person


  8. I think you could be a model and I need to make some pictures of you.

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  9. My best “excuse”: Buy some fancy rare liquor (not necessarily expensive) ahead of time, and the line is “Have you ever had ____?” “No whats that?” “Oh is ___(liquor) is ___(incredible, or like heaven) and tastes like nothing you’ve ever had before… wanna try some?” My brother brought me some Italian liquor back from Italy I’m working with currently, but otherwise is Finland (sp?) vodka, Cruzan coconut rum, or three brothers brandy (in this case you can suggest it being the evening’s ‘dessert’).

    Of course I keep the bars in walking distance, so there is no “We are both 2 drunk to drive there”. I’m not in DC but I live in a hoppin area of my city.

    Another good one is talk about how cute my pets are, how awesome my hot tub is (this is money during the winter), or similar to you, suggest a glass of wine and laying on a blanket on the roof looking at the skyline. On a side note for anything considering a hot tub thinking the sex will be amazing… its not. The girls get loose and lubrication is low. It should be used for makeouts, fondling, and then moving the party to the bedroom. Lesson learned.

    I gotta try some Wii lines

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  10. I once told a girl I had to use her bathroom, which though completely transparent, really was true. And it completely worked.

    For that reason, I don’t count it as an “excuse”.

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  11. On the ride home I tend to talk about the merits of Green Tea. By the time we get there I offer a cup of the tea and they just come right up. Thank you, Green Tea.

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  12. “Lets go to my place, I have some ointment that I need to apply ’cause my herpes is flaring up.”

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  13. Gannon said:
    I think you could be a model and I need to make some pictures of you.

    That’s right, Gannon, she might indeed make a good model, when she turns 12 years old.

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  14. “Etchings” cliché

    The phrase “Want to come up and see my etchings?” is a romantic cliché in which a man entices a woman to come back to his place with an offer to look at something artistic. This traces back to 1937 when popular radio violinist David Rubinoff was alleged to have invited a woman to his apartment for seduction, under the pretext of showing her some newly acquired etchings. This was referenced in a James Thurber cartoon where a man tells a woman in a building lobby: “You wait here- I’ll bring the etchings down”.

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  15. I favor “My apartment’s sort of a dump right now. Want to come up and help me clean it?” Kills at least three or four birds with one stone.

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  16. on June 26, 2008 at 7:34 pm smoothvirus

    “You’ve gotta check out the view from my balcony.”

    Yes because that brick wall is soooo fascinating.. lol

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  17. on June 26, 2008 at 7:37 pm smoothvirus

    Mine –

    “I saw this really funny video on Youtube, want to watch it?”

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  18. I have to agree with smoothvirus…the youtube one really does help…

    Liked by 1 person


  19. 17-18…
    Yeah, except when you get inside it’s more like, “Oh, did I say youtube, I meant youporn.”
    Start with a funny/silly clip, that some “friend” sent you (you only just found out about the website) and she’ll notice the “other” clips and will naturally be curious while feigning disgust – you’ll have to go by feel from there.

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  20. That’s right, Gannon, she might indeed make a good model, when she turns 12 years old.

    Peter, I’m only interested in girls aged 14 and above. Please do not raise false testimony over me. Remember the bible.
    And believe it or not, the line that you are a photographer, journalist or modelagent looking for a model or writing for a magazine does work, as stupid as it sounds.

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  21. “how about a movie?” Alternatively; “Have you ever seen XY?” where XY very obscure – “No” – “how about we watch XY?” – “Wait, now?”

    Works better in cold winter time, of course. To be fair, last time I used it I was not even really planning to get laid (and we did so only the second time we watched somethingbut at the very least it took the edge off about going to my place) but it ended up in a still going 4+ year relationship eventually.

    (Of course, it DOES help to have a 10foot home cinema).

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  22. Totally off topic, but since I’m currently in the Metro DC area, any bars you can guys ecommend?

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  23. Somehow, these lines never pan out all that great if you live way on the other side of the ‘burbs.

    Nupnup, just wander the blog network demanding a Happy Hour, and then attend.

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  24. im gonna need success rate percentages on each flimsy excuse

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  25. #1 Lemmonex

    You’re full of shit, just like Jessica Lange in “Tootsie”.

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  26. ‘im gonna need success rate percentages on each flimsy excuse’….

    The Green Tea one I estimate to be a 70%. Wow…I really never put any thought into it until this post came up.

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  27. “I don’t live around here and all my mates have gone home. I’ll crash on your sofa.” I didn’t, I got full treats…

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  28. ive used Scoots excuse before.

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  29. on June 28, 2008 at 9:35 am johnny five

    “I collect old jazz recordings [editor’s note: I have a few jazz CDs given to me by exes]. We’ll go back and listen to them properly, with a glass of red wine.”

    i have a collection of classical music on the same order of magnitude as DA’s porn collection, and a wonderful stereo system on which to play it.

    the problem is that after darkening the room, lighting various lightable things, and settling into a comfortable position, i often get so wrapped up in the synaesthetic pleasures of wieniawski, dvorak, liszt, or chopin that my company really does start to seem insignificant by comparison. even if her body becomes a convenient instrument upon which my hands dance in time to the music, she has to fight tooth and nail with seiji ozawa and his posse for my conscious attention. unintentional push-pull at its finest!

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  30. Johnny Five,

    Sex to classical music is seriously underrated.

    However, I used to have a master playlist in iTunes with all my classical music on it, and would just throw it on shuffle. Serious mistake – Mozart’s Requiem has the potential to be a serious mood killer.

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  31. Sex to classical music is seriously underrated.

    agreed.

    but:
    she has to deserve the classical music treatment; i.e., she should be a classy gal who’s worthy of satin sheets, heated almond oil, slow hands, and the like. you see, just about any classical piece is going to be too sensual for a woman who wouldn’t cozy up with a nice post-coital glass of port.
    that sensuality, combined with primal torrents of emotion (mendelssohn’s [i]Die schöne Melusine[/i] comes to mind), renders classical music inappropriate for emotionless cathartic hatefucking (“girls you fuck when you don’t have anyone to fight”).

    for throwaway bar girls, the crystal method, prodigy, etc. are plenty good. mm-hmm.

    Liked by 1 person


  32. “When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side 1 of Led Zeppelin IV.”

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  33. 32 Jay Gatsby

    “put on side 1 of Led Zeppelin IV.”

    This would never work on me, but then I am sick of Led Zeppelin and classic rock in general. It was a depressing self destructive time which is why so many young people are into it?

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  34. 31 Johnny Five

    I love your either/or scenario. Nothing like a little black and white thinking to put women in their proper category. What would you do with an woman who loves classical music AND Crystal Method. Kinda makes your head spin around, doesn’t it?

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  35. 34 sara
    I don’t see that what “an woman loves” has anything to do with it. The man is in charge at his pad and he decides how to set the mood. Women are almost always guilty of saying/thinking they have a certain preference when in fact what they need is something totally different.
    Plus, any broad who thinks either style of music would be equally appropriate for a given scenario should obviously not be allowed any input when choosing the music.

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  36. 35 Peat

    “any broad who thinks either style of music would be equally appropriate for a given scenario should obviously not be allowed any input when choosing the music.”

    You’re funny Peat. I’m just sayin’ that I love both types of music and jazz and electronica and….. So I could fuck to just about anything. I was just commenting on his limited worldview as far as women who love Prodigy and Crystal Method as “throwaway bar girls”, while the classy women gets the classical music treatment. That just sounds really idiotic. Yet I do know what you’re saying also as far as appropriateness for the given situation.

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  37. on July 1, 2008 at 7:59 am johnny five

    sara: I was just commenting on his limited worldview as far as women who love Prodigy and Crystal Method as “throwaway bar girls”, while the classy women gets the classical music treatment.

    let me rephrase this for you, my dear:
    i’m not disparaging big beat music (prodigy, crystal method, etc.) or its adherents. in fact, not only am i the president of the big beat club for ravers, i’m also a client.
    BUT,
    most girls would at best fail to appreciate music from the early romantic period, and would at worst be outright bored or annoyed by it. this especially goes for young women, whose beauty and litheness are intoxicating but whose philistinism generally knows no bounds.
    to most women under thirty or so, “high culture” is good weed, and words with more than two syllables positively must be broken up by “like” to be intelligible. with such girls i have little in common but mutual animal magnetism.
    THEREFORE,
    the only sex that’s halfway satisfying with them is the aforementioned emotionless cathartic hatefucking. and satisfying it is, indeed.
    SO:
    i pick music that i like, which also happens to be compatible with emotionless cathartic hatefucking. contrary to your presumptions, i don’t really know or care whether these girls like big beat; it’s my pad, my playlist, and the door is over there if she doesn’t like it.

    if i’m with the other type of woman whom i adore – a cultured, well-spoken, urbane gentlewoman with beauty, class, and brains – then it’s time to bring on dvorak’s piano trios, a couple glasses of port, and the scented oils, and spend a leisurely afternoon long on sensual pleasure and short on mind games.

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  38. 37 Johnny Five

    You seem to be saying that in your experience..generally, women over 30 have more class? And few under 30 appreciate the finer things in life? Is sex better with the hate fuckers or classy ladies? Wouldn’t you love a woman who can fuck like a whore OR make sweet love depending on the mood?

    I find myself in a conundrum over here. Men my own age like classic rock, 60’s and 70’s era music. Music I can enjoy on occasion but more often find it dull and tedious. Since music is a big part of my life, it’s a problem. But the really young men (20’s) are too young for me and they are more limited in their own way.

    Such a problem….. I end up rejecting more offers than accepting them. Eventually just the right one will come along and it will be worth waiting for. In the meantime I enjoy the younger ones more and can be more myself with them. They are fun, “vibrant”, raunchy and uninhibited. Men my age are neurotic and they are starting to smell funny. LOL

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  39. on July 1, 2008 at 6:59 pm johnny five

    You seem to be saying that in your experience..generally, women over 30 have more class?

    in my experience, class is in short supply everywhere, but is essentially nonexistent in the under-30 set.
    if i could perform unprecedented forms of brain surgery, i would take the class, comportment, and panache of a ripened Southern belle, and transplant them into a lithe young beauty.

    Is sex better with the hate fuckers or classy ladies?

    yes.

    Wouldn’t you love a woman who can fuck like a whore OR make sweet love depending on the mood?

    oh believe me, the classy gals can be nasty little whores too. all women are nasty little whores at heart, but untying that particular gordian knot takes lots of skill in many cases. fortunately, i enjoy challenges.

    but there you go, making assumptions again: specifically, the singular noun “a woman” is the problem here.
    i’m not currently looking for “a woman” any more than i’m looking to eat the same dinner every night, no matter how delicious that dinner may be.
    polyamory works just fine, especially for a man who enjoys putting out fires here and there.

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  40. “polyamory works just fine, especially for a man who enjoys putting out fires here and there.”

    Okay, Johnny.. Sounds like you at least take responsibility for yourself and whatever consequences you have to deal with.

    Did you ever check out the Avenue D?

    http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=19170733

    I like to think of myself as a combination of shameless fuck happy bitch and a divine goddess which I think makes me an average woman.

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  41. That’s good to know. Confirms my thought that men who want to get you into their house early on are only after sex.

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  42. “All men with any substantial sex drive want to get any hot woman with perhaps *some” personality filters applied (really that’s a tradeoff with timeand effort required more than anything) into bed to fuck them. Various men, usually betas, are in various stages of denial about this, often substantially for ego pretective reasons. It’s also what feminists (and Christians) want them to think (but not many other traditions or modern schools of thought).”

    That is a good point to consider. So basically, if a guy likes not only my looks, but also my personality, he will put in more effort and if a guy only likes my looks, he will give up if it is not easy, am I correct?

    I’m a very reserved person and value greatly my safety and privacy, and it takes time for me to be comfortable with spending time in my house with another person, not just men, most women too. For me, spending time with someone in my house is the difference between acquaintance and friend, perhaps barring large parties. Visiting someone at their house is also a big thing for me, especially with a man, because he is physically much stronger and more powerful than me and you can not know if he will use that or not until you know his character. Some people who seem incredibly nice the first few times you meet can turn out to have a personality disorder or a criminal record or whatnot. There are certain things I don’t want to run any risk of experiencing if I can avoid it, I don’t want my life anded or ruined. With a woman it is a bit different, but if I let another woman cook for me, I’d feel pressured to return the favor and I don’t want to feel that pressure early on.

    Sometimes I meet guys who say they really want to cook for me and really try hard to get me to come to their house and then just stop calling when it becomes clear that I don’t visit people I’ve only met a handful of times. Other guys are happy to spend time in safe places with me and I do notice that with those guys I tend to have more in common.

    I’m neither a christian nor a feminist, so I’m not really sure what pressures those people really feel. I do think most people who are thinking and talking marriage right in the beginning are projecting fantasies on that person, which bars them from getting to know the real person. I think girls who sleep with men early on are also projecting. That’s just an immature people thing, I guess, though people of all ages tend to do it to some extent. I guess people who subscribe to a belief system probably project more, teenagers project pretty much all the time and midlife crisis men may project more then men in their twenties and thirties. It’s an interesting phenomenon, and I think it does have a function if balanced with an open mind and a down to earth sense of perception. I think people who arent satisfied with reality have a harder time separating fantasy from it, because it can be so painful.

    “For one thing chassing lots of new pussy does take a lot of time for almost everyone if you’re going to get a whole lot of it outside of a relationship. And american women are pretty tough about relationship = monogamy. Way too tough for everyone’s good, actually. Should be a sliding scale depending on both the alphaness (female attraction) of the male and the genuine as opposed to programed needs of the female.”

    Sorry, but I think you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Though I recognize some women may be polyamorous or have different expectations from a relationship, I’m pretty sure most women are monogamous naturally. If I was with a guy who slept with other women, I would constantly have to worry about what STD’s he brings home and wether he will fall for someone else. I just could not bring myself to invest much in that kind of thing, and I don’t think you can make a romantic relationship work if you dont invest much in it.

    I actually have a background in a culture where infidelity is accepted. My distant ccousin is married in his homecountry, works and lives in Europe, and has a live in mistress. His wife is okay with it because he sends a ton of money to her every month and she can live her own life and raise their child alone. She has maids, a driver, a guard etc, so she is not so much in need of practical help and protection from her husband. To her, a good husband is someone who pay for everything and fathers children. She gets her practical needs met by hired staff and her emotional fullfilment through friends and her child. I’m not sure if she sleeps with other men or not, I’m not close enough to her to ask. For someone like her, it is not so hard to face a husband’s infidelity because she has very little emotional investment in her marriage, it is more of a practical and rational thing for her.

    I guess on a practical level, her situation is better than that of a single mother from the middle classes. She simply has an easier life with a lot more money and she can always have more children of the same father if she wants to.
    I just have very different values and feel that a father being there for his children, especially as they become teenagers is just as important in their development as persons of good character and succes as financial support is. For me, the heart of the relationship is romantic love and companionship, which requires trust, respect and closeness, which in turn require sexual exclusivity and emotional investment.

    Marriages like my cousin’s are also less stable in a way because the worst sides of the singles scene are taken into marriage life. Men cheat and father children everywhere if they can afford it financially, women cheat if their husband is not a good provider. It is much like Renaissance Europe where upper class wifes were expected to be faithful in the early part of marriage, but no one cared who was born in the tail of the family. Women in the upper classes use comdoms and are discreet about their affairs, but women in the lower classes have children obviously from other men. Aside from that, gossip is one of the few sources of entertainment among the poor, so her husband or his friends will har some colourful tales about his wife’s adventures. Open marriages makes for more of a dog eat dog world and very very fierce class competition. I’m pretty sure there is some outright hatrad between social classes there, which of course ha its influence on the crime rates. There is less divorce, but there is also less lasting romance and companionship.

    I’m not sure who feels a greater sense of loss, a woman who is divorced or a woman who is openly cheated on. I’m not sure who feels like more of a loser, the guy who gets laid of in a Western country and collects UB for a year or two, or the guy who gets laid off and finds his wife bearing a child from a richer man to be able to support his other children. It may not be the same for all people, but I think the latter situations are more painful. I guess that kind of culture may be a lot closer to the truth about human nature, and a cold hard truth it is, but like Batmen said, sometimes people deserve more than the truth.

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  43. “Honestly, I would rather have a guy say “Let’s go back to my place and fuck.” Like, cut to the fucking chase.”

    There’s a movie (which I can’t remember the name of) with some woman in it who says more or less the very same thing.
    A guy overhears it, and later, when he has begun chatting up the woman and things are going well, tries the line. She throws a glass of wine in his face.

    That shit would not work with 99% of women out there.

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