Bald Man’s Lament

A friend, who is a good person despite his penchant for finding humor in the suffering of others, trawled one of those sad-sack internet support groups and forwarded me this plaintive wail from a man(?) who is losing his hair and blaming it for his collapsing marriage.  My friend, for purposes of this blog I shall call him Zeets, thinks this tormented ululating from an anonymous balding man is slap-the-knee funny.

The wife was having sex with the new man while I cried to other people that I wanted my wife back. She was having fun and laughing and having sex with her new man and stuff like that while I was crying and confused and being very very depressed. I had no idea why my wife left me and why she was with another man and I was just wanting the nightmare to end. When someone told me it was my hair I actually got a little angry with him and looked at him like he was nuts. I kind of growled at him so he stopped talking to me. I didn’t want to believe that it was my hair. I didn’t get it even though I had lost a bunch of hair but the new guy had a full head of hair. I simply refused to see the light. I cried and told everyone around me that I was imagining my wife having sex with the new man and I said it was killing me. And I was right, she was having sex with the new man. She would lay under the new man and thrust her pelvis into the pelvis of the new man so she could get the new man’s penis as deep into her vagina as she could make it go. She wanted the new man’s penis as deep inside of her as she could get it to go so she would force it deeper by thrusting her pelvis into his pelvis while she was laying under him. She would do this with her new man in the very bed that I helped to pay for. And while she was doing this I was crying and complaining to everyone that I loved her and wanted her back and saying how I didn’t understand. Then I would go to my studio apartment and lay down in bed and masturbate before going to sleep while my wife was in the bed bought by me, her husband, giving sex to a new man who had a full head of hair. And the worse part of this story is that she will take me to the cleaners and leave me no money to pay for hair replacement surgery.

OK, I admit I laughed.  Well done, Zeets, you have shown once again how to lift one’s spirit at the expense of a tortured soul.  What have we learned from this?

The internet is a rain catch for every flavor of tear shed by man.  If you have a malady or a despair, no matter how peculiar, you will find someone else in the ASCII ether who shares your special brand of misery with whom to bond.  This is good for wallowing, bad for personal growth.

Laughing at the misfortunes of others comes disturbingly easy.

This benighted bald man needs an IV injection of Game, starting with deep deep deeeeeep inner game work.  Visualizing in technicolor brilliance your wife/girlfriend/mom boffing another man is the mental equivalent of plucking out your scrotum pubes one by one… slowly.  He should drown himself in tequila or punch brick walls if that’s what it takes to stop hearing the siren call of self-flagellation.

Make your penis go as far into the vagina as it will go, because it is good.

PS: Congratulations to anon for leaving my 1,000th comment.
anon, if you are a woman, i blow you a kiss.  please… keep your window open so that it may find its way to your lips.
if you are a man, i blow you a manly hug with three (and no more!) pats to the back.  please… keep your window open so that my macho hug may find its way to your open arms.


  1. If you want to read some real pathetic, pantywaste lamenting, check out the “Ask Cary” daily advice column at You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh as some of the letters there.


  2. on August 16, 2007 at 4:22 pm suicide_blond

    somebody go tell him that wallowing in self pity and self loathing..will not get him to vaginaville…
    buy a razor….grow some balls…. and if he REALLLY wants his wife back.. screw a younger prettier girl..that usually works….
    of course after that.. he wont want her back…


  3. This post should be retitled: “Schadenfreude: Bald Man In Search of Balls”


  4. I started losing my hair noticeably at 22 and began fully shaving my head soon after. I’m 26 now and if I grew my hair out I would be pretty thin up top.
    A shaved head can be plenty sexy to women if you make it so. I decided losing my hair was only a problem if I made it one.


  5. That story was hot.


  6. For years I’ve thought that of all the standards and expectations heaped upon women and their bodies, there is nothing ever so painful or ridiculous as male baldness stigma. In fact, every time I feel like getting pissed at a guy for something I know is stupid, I just think of hair replacement infomercials or that men’s hair dye commercial where it’s like a sports show and the grey hair guy strikes out. It never fails to stir a little compassion and get me through the moment.

    Dude, it is NOT your hair. But it may be your green/black/yellow sludge inbetween/missing teeth.

    Aside – this guy sounds suspiciously like a cuckold fetishist.


  7. Lisa is probably right about the cuckold fet. thing. The guy sounds like he is releveling in imagining his wife with some other guy. He’s way too descriptive. Dan Savage had some letters on this topic a few weeks ago in the City Paper.


  8. This would be funny if it didn’t remind me of my ex boyfriend.


    I am going to hell for this comment. Oh wait, I’m Jewish, so I was on my way there regardless.


  9. cryin’ ass bitches are always good for a laugh…I had a hearty guffaw whilst reading that guy’s lament.


  10. I wanted to pity him, I really did, but it was just too funny to mock him in my head without shame.

    This sentence comes straight out of some anti-Bukowski novel:

    “Then I would go to my studio apartment and lay down in bed and masturbate before going to sleep while my wife was in the bed bought by me, her husband, giving sex to a new man who had a full head of hair.”


  11. on August 16, 2007 at 11:31 pm Days of Broken Arrows

    Why is there all this fuss when Rogaine, when used in time, apparently works? And replacement surgery isn’t all that expensive.

    It’s a cliche to say this, but it could be much, much worse. Like “My wife left me because I can’t walk anymore.”

    What’s even worse than that would be this guy, ten years later sobbing “My wife DIDN’T leave me.” Usually when people leave they do you a favor one way or the other.


  12. […] Bald Man’s Lament A friend, who is a good person despite his penchant for finding humor in the suffering of others, trawled one of those […] […]


  13. OK, the hair stuff is ridiculous, but this post is still cruel. Y’all know well enough that you can’t actually fall in love without bonding deep enough to get all masochistic and pained when the bond is broken. That’s the price of the love ride.

    I’m going a little grey in the temples, but I like it. Adds character.


  14. I’ve read that women dislike men who are partially bald, George Costanza-style, but don’t mind men with fully shaved heads.


  15. For more Schadenfreude fun, go to Usenet and check out, the message board for the world’s most bitter 40 year old virgins.

    I may not be a master pickup artist, but I take comfort in the fact that compared to those guys I’m James Fucking Bond.


  16. MQ — your comment is enough for a whole series of postings (got that Roissy?) Seriously though, the post isn’t cruel. The guy is whining like a baby even though he knows that it is within his power to stop the pain. We can’t directly control what other people do, but we can certainly control them (or lose control of them) indirectly through our actions or inaction. Unfortunately, by the time we recognize the problem, it’s probably too late to fix it.