The Pump

“The pump is better than coming in a woman.”*

It’s been a long while.  Some nagging injuries and laziness have kept me out of the gym ist2_1553025_pink_dumbbells.jpg(I mean the real gym with plates of iron, not the one you froo froos go to for your spin classes and low impact hiney-toning spazrobics), but I’ve returned. After only a couple of months the strength and the feeling of being able to take on anything that comes my way is back.  And there’s no going back to being a couch potato; weight training is just too beneficial not to make it a lifelong commitment.  Ferchrissakes, it actually reverses the aging process!

Gaining new strength and mass has always been an uphill battle for me.  I’m a natural ectomorph, which means women who like barrel-chested stocky men should look elsewhere.  If I were playing for the other team, I’d never be invited to any “bear” parties.  Getting older also means muscle gains come slower and recovery times between workouts get longer.  Injuries happen easier as well, which explains why the older guys in the gym are so focused on proper lifting form.  Going to failure on the warm-up set and crashing the bar into your chest on every rep is a fool’s game played by the wet behind the ears.

A few things I’ve noticed about gym culture:

It’s not hard to spot the roid muscle from the natural stuff.  Guys who juice have a weird inflated look to the muscles, and their skin seems paper thin.  Plus, they have the tell-tale “roid gut” which looks like they swallowed a ripped keg.  Good for impressing other guys; not so good for impressing girls.

adduction_start.jpgGirls using the hip adductor machine are placing towels over the pelvis.  Sweet Jesus, is nothing free anymore?  Your privates are already clothed, it’s not like we guys are getting a zoomed porno shot of your goods. Taking recreational glimpses in between our sets of girls on this exercise machine, legs spread as wide as they’ll go, gives us masturbation material for at least a couple nights.  Don’t reduce the joy in the world.

Creatine, BCAAs, and whey protein are your best (legal) friends.

The gym pickup is totally possible.  Yeah, we’ve all heard how women don’t like to be hit on at the gym where they are “under construction” and not fully prepped to be approached by guys, but nevermind that.  I find a spot next to a cutie to do my bike or treadmill warmup, preferably one not wearing headphones, though if she is a light tap on her arm, smiling, and a motion to take off her headphones works well.  Here’s where I come in with the fun stuff.  Never be serious in a gym pickup.  That’s a killer.  Usually there’s a TV set nearby so I’ll say something like “I can’t believe what’s on this TV.  Sports again!  And golf no less.  What’s a guy gotta do to watch a little Desperate Housewives in the gym?  Is that too much to ask?” Anything to get her laughing and smiling, because if you look around that’s the last thing girls are doing in the gym.  Get her attention, open with a situational observation, then playfully flirt.  That’s the basic formula.  Once I’m in, I start vibing.  Running the treadmill is fucking boring so most girls I’ve successfully opened would welcome a 10 minute conversation.  I wait for her to start asking me questions, then move into my close.  I tell her I have to get back to my real workout but that I liked talking with her and we should hang out.  Then I suggest a date to meet, usually one not too far in the future.  I don’t have a phone with me, so I say “Just give me your number.  Don’t worry, I have a feeling I won’t forget it.” Then I get back to working out so it doesn’t look like I’m at the gym to pickup chicks.

Alright, back to throwing iron.  Here’s motivation to set an example for all those pasty-assed nerdos hiding under their mama’s beds:

*Arnold later retracted this statement


  1. Here’s a few more Arnold quotes:

    “I was always interested in proportion and perfection. When I was fifteen, I took off my clothes and looked in the mirror. When I stared at myself naked, I realized that to be perfectly proportioned I would need twenty-inch arms to match the rest of me.”

    “Whatever I thought might hold me back, I avoided. I crossed girls off my list — except as tools for my sexual needs.”

    “After watching mulattas shake it, I can totally understand why Brazil is devoted to my favorite body part, the ass.”

    “If I see a girl with big tits, I’m going to stare and stare. And I’m going to think in my mind what I am going to do with her if I would have her.”

    “Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff.”

    “Your daughter has a great butt” [to Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Arnold’s future mother-in-law, shortly after meeting Maria]

    “As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, ‘Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer’, which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked.”

    “I can look at a chick who’s a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I won’t hesitate to date her. If she’s a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don’t care.”

    “The best activities for your health are pumping and humping.”

    “The c**k isn’t a muscle so it doesn’t grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals. You can’t make it bigger through exercise, that’s for sure.”


  2. Hearing you say it I guess the gym pickup is possible but I’ve never been successful at it. I’m a member of a chain with many gyms throughout manhattan and there were several convenient gyms either near my apartment or my office that I used to cycle through. Then last year I began to frequent a particular gym near my flat, so I see a lot of regulars which now strangely enough gives me pause to pick up. Although I’ve been blatantly hit on by unappealing women in the gym, my no doubt familiar face garners me the occasional smile from a girl, which is far more forward than I would have expected….but then I notice their engagement ring.


  3. DF — women who are attention whores wear their engagement rings while working out (and aren’t serious about breaking a sweat). They want you to notice them, yet they can flirt with absolute impunity because it’s your job to notice the ring.


  4. And if they didn’t wear the ring they are attention whores who are looking to mess with guy’s heads.


  5. gatsby – those arnold quotes are hilarious. i see a new shirt slogan: I Pump and Hump.


  6. Hmmmm…. if I were willing to spend the money I’d probably join a gym. I think I’d be hella flattered if someone (attractive) hit on me in a gym.


  7. Bulging abdomens usually result from human growth hormone rather than from steroids. Excessive HGH use causes internal organs, especially the liver, to grow so large that they cannot fit under the ribcage and force the abdominal wall to bulge outward.


  8. Women who don’t want to be hit on at a gym go to women-only gyms.


  9. Ugh Peter, that is fucking gross.

    This is why I like skinny boys.


  10. Gym pickups are indeed possible; you’re both already have something in common. I met my girlfriend of 5 years at the gym.

    Funny thing is she likes her men tall and slender (I’m 290 lbs., bench 465, leg press more than the weenie machine at my gym holds) and I like my women curved a la Sophia Loren (the girlfriend is 5’9″, 120 lbs., and is one of the happy few that looks good in bike shorts).

    Love is a funny old dog!