The Sexual Frame

One of the traits of the beta is that he is uncomfortable with animal sexuality — his own and especially that of the women he craves.  He is loathe to initiate contact, late to respond to flirtatious signals, and leery of acknowledging the raw sexual nature of women.  His unease with himself and with women’s equally ravenous sexual appetites compels him to constantly elevate women onto pedestals and to befriend them platonically before making his intentions known, if ever.  He thinks that expressing his sexual nature too soon or too boldly will diminish them both.  He simply cannot conceive a scenario where a sexy girl will make love to him on the first day they meet.  This straightjacket of limiting beliefs is why he fails.

A way to avoid these emotionally arid pitfalls is to adopt a frame of mind that is infused with sexuality.  Everything begins in the mind.  When I see an attractive girl across the room and start walking toward her I immediately picture her naked and writhing under my sheets, sweating in ecstasy.  When I am talking with her and it is clear that we click, I imagine what it would feel like to touch her bare skin.  I am kissing her before our lips have committed to the kiss.  As we delve deeper into conversation, a part of me visualizes peeling off her clothes and imagining transactions… scenarios… a dirty smutty world of possibilities.

This is how every man should approach his interactions with women he is turned on by — unapologetically, sensually, instinctually.  Civilized norms should hold no sway over your untamed thoughts or the id that fuels them.  They are yours to do with as you please and to set the tone of whatever follows.  The advantage to having this carnal mindset at all times lies in the power it gives you to draw women into your reality.  When a woman is into you she will sense your sexual energy and mirror it.  Your thoughts will become her thoughts.  Your desire hers.  Later after sex when she is lying in your arms and talking about what led to this point you will discover that she knew it was going to happen when you knew.

Lead as a man in making no excuses for your libertine nature, and she will follow.





Comments


  1. He is loathe to initiate contact

    Who would really want to hear no every time they as a girl out? It’s much easier to turn on the computer and watch some porn and not deal with perpetual rejection.

    late to respond to flirtatious signals

    It depends. Some men notice afterwards after thinking about it privately or discussing with other friends, both male and female. Some men are just simply unaware of any flirting, and presume the female is just being friendly. For some men, it’s a self-esteem issue since the male presumes that no girl with any self-respect would be willing to waste their time to flirt with him.

    leery of acknowledging the raw sexual nature of women

    You mean the non-existent raw sexual nature? It’s only really available in a few select women, otherwise, it’s not really there, irregardless of the men who tries to attract them. Given the experiences of my female friends, either I magically found sexless women, or women view sex as a chore in a relationship. The older women who I lost my virginity hinted at the fact that women who like sex like her are quite rare, and in my experience, it seems to be true.

    Plus, it doesn’t help that the majority of women really aren’t sexually attractive (to me).

    to befriend them platonically before making his intentions known, if ever

    I’d kill for a world where I can engage in a long-term platonic female friendship, and I can have sex with prostitutes or sex-bots.

    His unease with himself

    I’m well aware that I’m a porn star loving, long manicured nail, high heel shoes, heavy makeup fetishizing pervert.

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  2. Plus, it doesn’t help that the majority of women really aren’t sexually attractive (to me).

    Change “attractive” to “attracted” and it just might explain the paragraph above that quote.

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  3. Well said. For years, I was trapped by the belief she cites. My feminist-leaning 1970s parents raised me always to be “respectful” of women, i.e. “honor” her and don’t be aggressive. I believed it all. I believed the college counselors and the ultra-extreme “no means no” mentality. As a result, my bedding rate was pathetic. A damn shame.

    Horniness drove me onwards. Through trial and error, then active study of seduction technique I exploded all these beliefs. I realized that they are unnatural societal constructs. So-called “nice girls” *will* jump in your bed hours (or less) after meeting you if you push the right buttons. These are the same girls who often claim not to kiss on the first date. I realized that, yes Virginia, “no” often really means “yes” or “not yet”.

    I feel like a man blindfolded half his life, who has stepped into glorious sunlight. Liberating my inner caveman was the most fulfilling f-ing thing ever.

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  4. Your facial expression often conveys what you’re thinking – twice I’ve been ‘in-state’ or trying to get into state and I’d look at a male friend, and he’d say, why are you giving me that weird look, one that said, I surmised, you want to fuck me, Basil Ransom. Just convince yourself that every woman wants you, and it’ll show.

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  5. “He is loathe to initiate contact, late to respond to flirtatious signals, and leery of acknowledging the raw sexual nature of women. His unease with himself and with women’s equally ravenous sexual appetites compels him to constantly elevate women onto pedestals and to befriend them platonically before making his intentions known, if ever. He thinks that expressing his sexual nature too soon or too boldly will diminish them both. He simply cannot conceive a scenario where a sexy girl will make love to him on the first day they meet. This straightjacket of limiting beliefs is why he fails.”

    hmmm… i’m confused. what, precisely, seperates an alpha from a beta? because i technically consider myself a beta, but not according to that definition. eg. i am sensitive, shy, retiring and submissive, shy away from clubs, parties etc because i find it difficult and tiresome competing, one on one, with other males. this is nothing i can fundamentally change, it’s my genetic personality. yet on the other hand i find it easy enough to get girls via dating. i make my intentions known up front and more often than not suceed.

    i am good at flirting, innuendo, joking etc, and girls dig my humor. but it’s only really in one-on-one situations with a girl that these ‘alpha’ qualities shine through. eg. a gf in college invites me to her appartment for the first time, i meet her friends, and they all say the same thing – he’s shy. on relating this to me my gf said ‘they don’t have a clue’ – referring to the fact that on our first date i kissed her shoulder about an hour in. i had assumed myself to be shy up until this point, and still do, but this made me realize that, when it came to seducing girls i was anything but. yet i don’t have, say, the stereotypical ‘swagger’ of vk, or the domineering personality of gnxp’s razib, and am anything but a leader of men. but i’m not loathe to initiate contact, or respond to flirtacious signals, so i’m not a beta by your definition. i’m lost. Who am i???

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  6. I too mind rape….. wait what?

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  7. Two points:

    1. I find myself in a similar situation that may be emblematic for most men. I think I’m a decent looking guy with above average charm, manners and intelligence, and a healthy libido.

    I have no problem talking with and attracting hot women but I’ve been socialized to be respectful and courteous and this leads me straight to the friend zone.

    On the other hand, when I go out to clubs, I tend to be more caveman-ish and aggressive because (1) alcohol; (2) I know that women who frequent clubs and bars are likely on the same wavelength in terms of prowling; and (3) I know that I’m not looking for a “girlfriend” here so I care less about being the perfect guy. The problem is that although I’m successful at clubs in getting women, these women tend to be 6s instead of the 8s and 9s that I go for during normal situations.

    2. The dissonance between women/society/mothers wanting polite, respectful men and women banging assholes leads me to conclude that women simply don’t know what the hell they want (or they’re too coy to admit what they want).

    Ask a guy what he wants and he’ll tell it to you straight: “Hot with nice body and good personality”.

    Ask a girl what she wants and she’ll say, “Makes me laugh, confident, etc.”, which is true but she leaves out (or is afraid to admit) the more “shallow” qualities like being tall, wealthy, etc.

    It took me 10 years of trial and error to understand this basic fact. I wish I realized the way the game is played at age 18 instead of 28!

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  8. sugarpie…how do you get ANY work done?????
    xoxo

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  9. Ask a girl what she wants and she’ll say, “Makes me laugh, confident, etc.”, which is true but she leaves out (or is afraid to admit) the more “shallow” qualities like being tall, wealthy, etc. — Willy Lamb

    Partially right. Women are attracted to men just as men are attracted to women — based on physical qualities first. Most women would find a guy who is tall, well-built and has an angular face to be very attractive. His lack of financial resources would not disqualify him from consideration, but rather relegate him to one-night stand rather than potential long-term partner status.

    Back in college, a bodybuilder fraternity brother once told me that hot women look for muscles first and money second, while older women look for money first and muscles second. Suffice it to say, he got more ass than a toilet seat.

    However, as Henry Kissinger once said “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Power trumps looks and money in the vast majority of cases, although power and money are often seen as synonymous. Most young women crave power (but don’t want to do the hard work to get it) because it signifies superiority. Such superiority is not only over men, but more importantly, also over other women.

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  10. Jay Gatsby — I agree that women are attracted to physical qualities but my point was that most women are loathe or scared to admit it. Perhaps, it’s because they think it makes them shallow or un-womanlike to admit to superficial, physical needs/urges/preferences.

    Laconic — Being an “alpha” and a good person are not mutually exclusive so this being said, I’d rather be the child-saving squadron leader who has lots of notches.

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  11. “Yeah, but how many notches does he have?”
    In the end, it’s not about notches but about children. That’s why conservatives are breeding out liberals in the US and Israel for example.
    To David Alexander:
    Getting women means handling rejection. Even the most alpha of men will handle rejection rates of about 70%, easily 2/3 of his approaches will fail.

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  12. I don’t have any major objection to his overall points on this blog — I think they’re excellent and valuable — but, to also echo Cuchulkhan above, I think that his Alpha archetype is too much a frat-boy / playboy type.

    What’s unaccounted for here is a strong man type who sublimates his libido and is happy with one woman. I’m thinking of the honorable, faithfully married leader-of-men type, or even a loner who pesesses qualities that others respect.

    I think what I’m describing is the Hero archetype, who beats the playboy every time.

    For some reason I have the lead character from last night’s “Prison Break” on my mind: certainly an alpha, but abut as far from a playboy as can be.

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  13. Yes, men, sometimes it really isn’t a question of your attractiveness, or lack of it, but your timing. Example: an unpleasantly hot, sticky Saturday night in August some years ago. Two attractive females – I and a friend – out for a drink to escape stifling un-air-conditioned apartments. We sat at our bar table on an outdoor verandah and were bombarded with male attention. As many as 10-15 men (I lost track) approached us, some more than once. Popular opening: “can I bum a light?” – we were both smokers at the time.

    Neither of us was interested: the outing was strictly for fresh air. As we left, I heard one young man say to another who was looking a little crestfallen, “oh, don’t mind those two, even Billy hasn’t had any luck with them” – Billy being the extremely handsome, charming, and aggressive Irish sailor whose light needed continual refreshing. Of course it was fun for us – ego reinforcement with no risk – but we weren’t doing it to provoke, or for the fun of rejecting men. Just not looking. And we would have chosen somewhere quieter, but every other bar in the area was full.

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  14. Willy Lamb — But what if you’re a good person and natural leader and yet haven’t slept with that many women? Does that make you a beta male? I’m not trying to be contrarian; I’m genuinely curious what the criteria are for each classification.

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  15. Laconic–

    I don’t think its about how MANY women you’ve slept with. Being a male slut isnt’ being alpha. Its your ability to get the women that you WANT and keep them wanting you that makes you alpha in that sense.

    Although I agree with everyone else that is saying that being alpha is more than just your ability with women. Its your leader of the pack mentality in LIFE and with women.

    Your ability just to score (any guy can score with a busted drunk chick) with a lot of chicks just makes you an effective male slut…your ability to score with lots of hot, interesting sober women and have them WANTING MORE is what makes you an Alpha in that sense.

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  16. irregardless isn’t a word.

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  17. PA, I think the disparity you mention stems from a problem of definition. I’ve been reading this (very well-written) blog for a few weeks, and the thing I’ve noticed about his discussion of being “alpha” is that it’s entirely defined by your success with women. It was illustrated most clearly in a discussion in the comments section from a post a while back where a woman contributor described two men she knew, one she described as an alpha — successful, tall, attractive — and the other as a beta — something of a failure and average in physical traits.

    The putative beta, though, was very successful with women as it turned out, which led him to comment that he was in fact an alpha, not a beta, despite the guy’s various failings in other aspects of life. To him, it seemed like that didn’t matter at all; the only salient consideration was success with women. There is no intrinsic quality that alphas have that betas do not. In other words, the common perspective is that a man gets women because he’s an alpha; from his perspective, a man is an alpha because he gets women.

    I suppose this makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but it kind of bothered me to divide men into such discrete “winner” and “loser” camps. I mean, let’s say you read a news article about a guy who jumps into a raging river to save a child or who leads his squad out of an ambush in Iraq with courage and skill. Are you going to read that and say, “Yeah, but how many notches does he have?”

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  18. It’s those who approach without the sex-on-the-brain that most women would be leery of. Your manner is more direct, and doesn’t leave the woman wondering as to your true intent.

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  19. Yeah, in Latinamerica it is relatively normal for men to go to whores. For around 50 US you can get a nice, young one. Of course, some whores are a lot cheaper, but they are for the proles.

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  20. Change “attractive” to “attracted” and it just might explain the paragraph above that quote.

    I am also aware that I am not sexually attractive to most women. I learned that when I was 10.

    Ask a girl what she wants and she’ll say, “Makes me laugh, confident, etc.”, which is true but she leaves out (or is afraid to admit) the more “shallow” qualities like being tall, wealthy, etc.

    I suspect that it’s because society chastises women for their choices, so it’s much easier to hide their desires for tall, wealthy, alpha men.

    That’s why conservatives are breeding out liberals in the US and Israel for example.

    What good is outbreeding when it means that you’re poorer than your counterparts. Conservatives may outbreed, but if they don’t control the means of communications and resources, it still puts them at a disadvantage to their richer liberal counterparts who can focus their resources on fewer children.

    Getting women means handling rejection. Even the most alpha of men will handle rejection rates of about 70%, easily 2/3 of his approaches will fail.

    Quite frankly, I’m just not interested in hearing no because I’m ugly, black, not rich, or some other equally valid reason.

    I’m continually surprised at how with such high failure rates, men are still willing to bother dealing with asking women out. Anybody with half a brain would have given up and gone on to much easier pursuits. It’s no different then wondering why guys put up up 6-7 women when there are 9s and 10s out there. If women can hold out for alphas, why can’t men hold out for hot women too? Are we that desperate for sex, or do men just simply have lower standards.

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  21. The reason for this: Prostitution is illegal in the US, where it’s not in many European countries

    I’m apprehensive of prostitutes because of the disease factor, and I’m not willing to press my luck with a condom. Secondly, I’d feel guilty about not so much because I’m using her since I am paying her, but because she’s not enjoying the experience. Some prostitutes don’t like being kissed, and you can’t perform oral sex on them, and I consider that crucial to the sexual experience.

    They think ahead “Do I really wanna see her in the morning or ever listen to her shit?” That right three cuts out 70 percent of all women.

    I suspect that’s why many beta men prefer to get to know women. Since their investment is much higher, they need to learn if the investment in said female is worthwhile. I love my female friends, but certainly, there are reasons why I’d never convert them into girlfriends or friends with benefits.

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  22. Laconic:

    It’s almost impossible to be an alpha and a “good” person.
    At least in the usual sense of what is considered to be a good person.

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  23. freckledk:

    That made no sense. If a guy is not horny when he talks to you then obviously something must be wrong. Guys clearly only ever talk to girls when they want to sleep with them.

    Actually, you’re right about that in one way. I get this feeling that when I talk to girls they’re assuming I’m coming on to them, unless it’s in a business meeting. It’s frankly quite annoying. The result… I only talk to girls non-professionally when I’m interested in them. Why else would I deal with their crap?

    KassyK:

    That’s not true. Even busted chicks in America have inflated levels of self-worth, because it’s okay to be busted and be happy with it. I’ve always considered the topic of slut / player at length. The reason is because it takes skill for guys to get sex, except in the most dire of circumstances. Thus it’s actually not a double edged sword when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys and is called a slut. Finding a guy to sleep with you is fairly easy, regardless of what you are like. The opposite is not so easy.

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  24. Guys clearly only ever talk to girls when they want to sleep with them.

    I talk with plenty of women when I’m not interested in them because I’m looking to start a conversation. Talking to girls only when you want to sleep with them seems like a waste since having sex with most girls is a waste of time.

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  25. on September 18, 2007 at 8:41 pm Days of Broken Arrows

    I think his obsession with Alpha males and sex is because in the US, vagina is more of a commodity than in other countries. Depending on who you are, it can be harder for a guy to get sex than money.

    The reason for this: Prostitution is illegal in the US, where it’s not in many European countries. Since selling sex has been a feature of every culture except the US, this artificially inflates the worth of US vagina. Plus. there is the “shame” factor — you have to feel bad for paying for sex. Which is odd, considering guys pay either way, one way or another.

    I think if prostitution is legalized it will deflate the worth of vagina in the US and then H and company can talk about Alphas in terms other than how much sex they get.

    And one thing left out of this discussion is that Betas aren’t necessarily less aggressive. They often see warning signs about potential troublesome women that Alphas ignore. They think ahead “Do I really wanna see her in the morning or ever listen to her shit?” That right three cuts out 70 percent of all women.

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  26. Nullp0inter – I made perfect sense. A woman would be more apt to respond to someone who was blatantly obvious about what they wanted than she would someone who concealed their wants. It’s already assumed that both men want the same thing, so why sit there listening for hours to the moony-eyed guy who is filling your head with what he thinks you want to hear?

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  27. you are definitely a savage, although you do have a nice rhythm to your writing, which is why your blogs always draw my interest. one thing i ask, however, is to please, when you do get hit hard, to write about it. I want to see how your writing is when you are humbled, or when the wheels of the inevitable karma are turned.

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  28. The trick is knowing when to turn it off. Otherwise you find yourself mindhumping the deli cashier and the nice old lady in HR. And then you wonder where your erections have gone.

    A side note: number of posts that degenerate into Broken Arrows and David Ax debating the relative merits of prostitution:= n + 1

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  29. Well, we’ve settled one thing. freckledk is the 1 in 20 girls that will respond to “hi, want to fuck” as an opener.

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  30. 1 in 20 who would be more apt to respond….and not likely in a favorable manner.

    If you are just looking for a lay, behave as such. Because, even when you are buying drinks and swearing that, deep down, you are a caring, sensitive soul who just wants someone to spoon at night, WE KNOW that what you are really just looking for a lay.

    Man up and state your intent. This way, we can say no without wasting our time or yours, you can move on to the next mark, and we can finish our beverages and the conversation that your attempt had interrupted.

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  31. Broken Arrows #19:

    You are right about the price of pussy, but there is more to it than simply the availability of legal prostitution. Other factors affecting the price are

    1) The ability of its owner(s) to compete with you in the job market. If she makes more, that means you have to match her in earnings to stay in the game, and what we’ve been seeing lately is that more and more young men are priced out in that regard.

    2) Legal/institutional factors. Twisted definitions of sexual harassment have raised the risk level to make it not worth the effort of trying because you don’t know how she’ll react–either immediately or even a year later!

    3) As someone who lives in a part of Nevada where brothels ARE legal (no I didn’t move here for that–I was well-married before then), I can tell you the price there is high too because of little competition. In order for prostitution to make a significant dent in the price of pussy, it would have to be legal in a lot of other places as well.

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  32. Alpha? Beta? Omega?

    I don’t care how much ass Mystery gets. He’s not an alpha male. He’s a dork who systematized getting women. Nothing more. I don’t know what you’d call that, but it’s not an alpha male. Alpha males typically get a lot of ass as a side effect of their charismatic personality and tendency to control and dominate situations and the people around them… but just getting a lot of ass doesn’t make a person an alpha male. This seems like a definition created by “aspiring betas” who have it all wrong. That charisma and charm isn’t something they can quantify into their systematization, so they completely miss the forest for the trees.

    If you remove Mystery from his “habitat”, make him wear normal clothes, and drop his little act, he would be ridiculed and not taken seriously. Put him in a room full of guys doing any task and I can guarantee he wouldn’t emerge as the leader. True Alpha males dominate any situation and seek to lead no matter what the context, hence the “Type-A Personality” label.

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  33. this is actually how i make most of my female friends

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  34. Later after sex when she is lying in your arms and talking about what led to this point you will discover that she knew it was going to happen when you knew.

    WRONG.

    Yes, women WANT men to seduce us, and we want men to lead us into a desirable sexual reality, but only to evaluate worthiness. From the man who said “A misplaced word or criticism can turn them off instantly,” make no mistake: women decide when it’s going to happen, before men know it.

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  35. A side note: number of posts that degenerate into Broken Arrows and David Ax debating the relative merits of prostitution:= n + 1

    Porn and prostitutes (until sexbots are available) are great because they allow for the efficient division of labour between the vast majority of women who are good for emotions which would be best for platonic relationships, and the minority who excel at sex.

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  36. The whole alpha thing is somewhat ridiculous, it’s a sign of insecurity and self-doubt even to be talking in such terms. You’re measuring yourself against some imagined external standard of perfection instead of being who you are. Everybody is a mix of strengths and weaknesses. Some guys are just really good with women and weak in other areas, other guys are just the reverse.

    On the other hand, betas really do exist, in the sense that many many people let internal fear and lack of self-confidence stop them from getting what they want and could get. This was a decent post on beta ways of thinking (I’ve fallen into that trap myself, still do sometimes), with the proviso that whatever your mental game you still have to navigate around lots of rejection.

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  37. on September 19, 2007 at 6:28 am Days of Broken Arrows

    nullp0inter said:

    “Actually, you’re right about that in one way. I get this feeling that when I talk to girls they’re assuming I’m coming on to them, unless it’s in a business meeting. It’s frankly quite annoying.”

    Glad you mentioned that Null. I get that too from women – I assumned it was because I was Italian and there are the lothario stereotypes to deal with. I’m thinking now it has to do with American women’s over-inflated sense of worth. In fact, some of the women who came off making like I was coming on to them are definitely NOT what I’d be looking for, no matter how many beers. Knock us betas if you will, but we have fewer regrets because we’re discriminate.

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  38. suicide blonde:
    sugarpie…how do you get ANY work done?????

    mountains of blow.

    laconic:
    To him, it seemed like that didn’t matter at all; the only salient consideration was success with women. There is no intrinsic quality that alphas have that betas do not.

    inasmuch as women have always and probably will always be turned on by male power, the overlap between success with women and any intrinsic alpha quality as is commonly understood and recognized is so great that for our purposes:
    intrinsic alpha quality = success with women.

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  39. Cuchulkhan, you are a lone wolf. Only the alpha is allowed to have sex in the pack. The rest of the pack trade their sex life for greater access to food, security, and strength in numbers. The lone wolf is considered as an enemy to the pack. He is a solitary creature who might not eat as often but he is still free to have unlimited sex: if the pack doesn’t get him first. Talk about balls and adventure! Check out TUNG at
    http://www.lulu.com/content/1115598. It takes lone wolfness to a whole new level.

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