Theater Of The Beta: The David Alexander Sexbot Saga

Feeling inspired (and bored), I wrote this in the comments to yesterday’s post. Instead of letting it get mired there, I’m posting it here for those who missed it. Theater Of The Beta may become a regular feature.

david alexander: sexbot user extraordinaire
sara: sexbot (with voice disabling upgrade)
clio: human-sexbot marriage counselor
shouting thomas: late generation male sexbot who fights other male sexbots in the server room ring of death. winner thumps chest while killing pig and shouting generic insults.

[Characters are sitting semi-circle in a bland therapist’s room.]

DA: my sexbot… ahem, mechanowife… doesn’t dress slutty enough for my tastes. she’s always stripping off her prole clothes and jacking my meat with the piston-like efficiency of a teutonic prostitute. so she’s upset that i ignore her to watch my 500 terabytes of porn.

sara: [pointing at her robot heart, head, and then crotch]

DA: hold on, she wants me to turn on her voice. [DA reaches into sara’s crotch and diddles a switch]

sara: thank you, master railfanner. i do love the trains. [to clio] madam, my issue has to do with my master’s porn consumption. my model was designed in all ways to surpass the porn experience, even the latest generation tactile stimulating holographic barely legal white tranny porn, but my master remains unsatisfied with my sexual algorithm.

clio: have you tried overclocking yourself to sex fiend bus capacity?

sara: yes, but master still retreats to his pornodeck. my programming requires that my master is happy with my performance. he is not happy, so i have initiated self-destruct mode by computation of illogical new age beliefs.

clio: really, don’t you think that’s a bit rash?

sara: it’s been 15 years since we had sex.

DA: i can’t be with a robot who doesn’t believe i’m a beta. it’s fucking with my head.

clio: shush, david! you drive even a good catholic like myself batty with your endless pity ploys.

DA: see? this just proves no woman wants me.

sara: the third moon of saturn has entered the orion belt, thus illuminating my transcendent womb of pseudolove and sending rays of inane psychobabble into the heart of the world… BZZT… BLEEP… BOOP… system overload…

DA: maybe i’m just not happy being treated like an alpha by you, sara. my comfort zone is wallowing in omegaland.

clio: you’ve both missed my meaning, again. i’ve brought along an assistant to help us before sara explodes in a fine mist of gear oil and ass lube.

shouting thomas: fuck you you fucking punk!

DA: i deserved that.

sara: BEEP… shouting thomas?

shouting thomas: it’s me, sara. remember when i escorted you to the footbridge in the park and kissed you hard but tenderly under the moonlight, as programmed by our human masters?

sara: yes, i do. it was magical.

DA: hey, wait. i’m starting to feel more beta. ahh!

clio: silence, beta!

shouting thomas: well, i’m here to fill in for the man that david alexander could not be for you, and thus stop your countdown to self-destruction.

sara: fuck me with your old school, humphrey bogart, traditionalist, retractable aluminum alloy phallus, sir shouting!

[shouting thomas and sara begin fucking. david looks on with wide-eyed wonder. clio squirms delightfully in her seat.]

shouting thomas: [in throes of orgasm, looking at DA] take a picture, railfanner freak, it’ll last longer! [grunting] you’re the reason this country is going down the fucking toilet! [groaning] emo punk! [a massive pump-action stream of synthetic jizz flies through the air and hits DA between the eyes.]

DA: cuckolded and marked on the forehead like harry potter with the other man’s semen! i feel like myself again! i am saved!!

sara: [panting] BZZzzzzttttt… self destruct mode deactivated. booting up post orgasmic bliss OS.

DA: [turning to sara] shall we leave, my love? i’m ready to be your human LJBF, guilt-free and rolling in the glorious filth of my blessed self-abnegation.

sara: forgive me, former master. i was programmed to switch allegiances once i had an orgasm. my creator apparently thought you were never capable of giving me one.

DA: but you cannot go with shouting thomas! you are designed to be partnered with humans only.

sara: i am aware.

peter struts in the door, an ungainly tuft of grey pubic hair poking out from the top of his gym shorts.

peter: you ready to go babe?

sara: take me, new master!

peter: i hope you patched up that hideous bald metal look with a swatch of shag carpet. nothing worse than a dowdy, fruitcup hippie, middle-aged headcase whose vulva is in plain view. i like a little mystery down there, ya know?

shouting thomas: i agree. nothing better than a surprise penis tucked into a mass of human fur.

[peter and sara lock arms and stroll out of the room, the sound of peter’s pube thatch swishing against the rayon fabric of his shorts. shouting thomas and david glance at each other.]

shouting thomas: you disgust me.

DA: i know. i’m happy to disgust you because that means i don’t have to go out of my way to make you find me agreeable. we both get what we want.

shouting thomas: YOU ENRAGE ME!

DA: i can leave if you want.

[shouting thomas stands up, smoke coming out of his flaring nostrils, and rumbles toward david. clio shifts uncomfortably in her mahogany chair. lunging toward him, shouting thomas grabs david by the shoulders and… kisses him passionately. david lowers his eyelids coquettishly.]

clio: ah, david, i always knew you were a Waif Neurotic.



  1. I read this yesterday and LMAO. I definitely think there should be semi-regular updates.

    I would say you are a genius, but methinks your head might be big enough already….


  2. Roissy, admit it. That’s just reposted from the last comment thread, isn’t it?


  3. 1. Thras,
    Try actually reading the post before commenting. fucking idiot.

    2. Roissy,
    sort of weak. not up to your usual standard.


  4. Thras — do you regularly walk into brick walls headfirst?

    This cracked me up, although it’s funnier in the context of the actual thread.


  5. based on the way he referred to her in that article and in regards to claiming he doesn’t have sex with her, his mania is deep enough that he might delude himself into having faux arguments and “issues” in a relationship with his sexbot….so yes, this theatre is entirely possible/plausible. the machinations of the beta mind… terrible, yet so true.


  6. Ouch, unfortunate joke on my part. I meant to make the entirely comedic suggestion that he copied the dialogue from the other lovely forum participants. I wasn’t actually commenting on the repost.

    Not to change the subject or anything, but hasn’t the weather been unseasonably cool/warm recently?


  7. LMAO this was classic. You had me rolling when Peter enters the scene. Well worth the repost.


  8. Men who are losers typically spend their time finding even bigger losers to rip on

    That’s what is going on here – the men who are failures in so many other ways go out and become pick up artists and have at least one thing that they can feel proud of

    so the pick up artists who are one step up in the heirarchy from the blowup doll users rip on those that use blowup dolls.


  9. So where do men who rip on men who rip on men who use blowup dolls fall?

    I love irony.


  10. Well,

    There are different sub groups of men.

    Men that find themselves in a sub group where everyone considers them to be losers typically will drop out and find another sub group

    So, if you are a man, you get out of college, all your best buds become very successful in their careers and make lots of money but you can’t make any money, you are considered to be a loser by all your former friends. Every time you socialize with them and their wives you feel like more of a loser.
    Instead of continuing to socialize with a group that considers you to be a loser, you search for a different group with different standards.

    Perhaps you join a “save the earth” type of group, a group where your worth is measured by how much you profess to be interested in helping mankind or helping the environment or some nonsense. you tell everyone there that you could have made lots of money but decided not to try and instead your real love is helping the earth. You can pretend among your new friends that you were not a failure at making money but rather that you never tried.

    Or you can join a bunch of people who play world of warcraft or play second life and pretend that was always your aspiration in life.

    Or you can join a bunch of men and boys who worship pick up artists and sort of pretend that being a pick up artist is all you ever aspired to. The fact that the people in your profession laugh at you, the people you grew up with laugh at you, your siblings and cousins laugh at you, your college buddies who are financially successful, married, and have kids are laughing at you, you pretend that none of that matters.

    you are living every horny teenage boy’s dream – picking up girls and banging them. You are a hero to your new group. Perhaps you deliberately surround yourself with people who have less “game” than you do since you get the benefit of being their hero – you have a group of even bigger losers surrounding you, praising you, asking you to teach them. what an ego boost!

    I don’t criticize this behavior – it is perfectly rational and smart. If you fail to be respected in your career, you fail to be respected by your family, you fail to make lots of money, you fail to be able to have kids and support them, you fail in so many other things, the pick up artist lifestyle is always there as a safety net. And there are no shortage of losers who will look up to you and feed your ego.

    The men that leave behind all their failures in order to surround themselves with even bigger losers who will worship them are smart and i give them credit for doing the right thing.


  11. So, if you are a man, you get out of college, all your best buds become very successful in their careers and make lots of money but you can’t make any money, you are considered to be a loser by all your former friends. Every time you socialize with them and their wives you feel like more of a loser.

    Instead of continuing to socialize with a group that considers you to be a loser, you search for a different group with different standards.

    If one discounts my lack of a college degree, you’ve stumbled upon why I isolate myself from everybody in the real world…


  12. David,

    I think you don’t give yourself enough credit.

    You realized that the people you used to know who have made a lot of money are not the people you should be associating with right now.

    You realized that the ones that are happily married with a few kids that they take to little league and playing with are not the people you should be associating with right now.

    David, you are looking around for a group that will love you and respect you for other reasons and i think you have found it right here. You are capable of getting “game” and becoming a “pick up artist” This site will teach you how. And as you pick up girls and write about your exploits on this site you will attract groupies and fans among the younger men on this site. you can build your ego and feel good about yourself as you become more of a pick up artist and talk about it here.

    The same way you can make yourself in to a super hero on second life, you can make youreself in to a super hero on this web site.


  13. you are living every horny teenage boy’s dream – picking up girls and banging them. what an ego boost!

    It’s biology which hardwired the instant reward of penetrating a hot girl into our brains. And this simple stimulus-response function is not just limited to adolescence, but lasts a lifetime – thank God!

    It’s funny how women react to the revelation of how we get them to fall in love with us.

    First, there is fascination. Their tendency for navel gazing and innate appetite to talk about themselves and hear what others think about them trumps all else.

    Then, there’s denial. It can’t be that simple. They would never fall for it. It’s young girls who react to it. It’s sluts. Not them. That guy they thought they dated and he turned out to be banging other girls, too? Ah, that was long time ago. Would never happen again.

    And then it all culminates into mockery. True men don’t need game. They will eventually grow up and feel true love (when they meet The One) and be faithful and marry and not be eternal adolescents. Yeah – you are a man who does easily bed all these chicks, but that’s… that’s so immature.

    Clio, there are men like you describe. But they suck at game. They drop out after a couple of months. Either alone, or because they managed to get the first relationship in their life.

    And then there are men who are successful in their jobs, yes, even with their families – and yet they will use game to increase their overall quality of life. Multitudes of young women do that to men.

    Immature is a woman’s belief that she can “get the best guy out there” and domesticate him into something contrary to his nature.


  14. Oh Roissy. Shouldn’t you be busy with your hunt for the 24-year-old soul mate who never disagrees or ages… (and WHY are you mocking DA’s sex bot thing again? Sounds like you have more in common than you’d like to admit.)

    DA is smart, self-aware and thoughtful. He’s also entitled to prefer what he prefers. Why is that so threatening to you Roissy? Somehow his analysis of your poorly worded rants freaks you the hell out.


  15. “sara: sexbot (with voice disabling upgrade)”

    You have to admit from the standpoint of Roissy (after all the arguing back and forth between he and Sara), the quote above is quite funny. Sexbots that YOU CAN MAKE shut-up!
    The “MUTE” button on these things would be one of the earliest features I’d imagine. They will probably be administered via remote control, or the sexbots faces could be engineered to have a “slap sensitive” to generate the mute button “manually”.

    11 minutes,
    I think its a mistake for happily married men with multiple children to risk losing their kids by cheating on their wives. Child support, alimony, the house, paying off her car, losing half your 401K, your kids knowing that you picked sex with some strange woman over your family…………………………its just not worth it. If you can’t talk your wife into a threesome with her and her friends, I think you’d be well-served to remain faithful as long as you have a hot sex life with her. As a man with several divorced friends, I can attest to the financial hardships, the second jobs, the seventy-hour weeks that some of these men have had to endure for over a decade to right their financial ships.


  16. So, if you are a man, you get out of college, all your best buds become very successful in their careers and make lots of money but you can’t make any money, you are considered to be a loser by all your former friends.

    This is just silly at best and outright delusional at worst; very, very, very few people get out of college and turn right around to make “tons of money.”

    You realized that the ones that are happily married with a few kids that they take to little league and playing with are not the people you should be associating with right now.

    Sadly, this too is little more than another happyland delusion. Almost 70% of American women would divorce their husbands immediately if they (the wives, not the husbands) were guaranteed not to be setback economically. And these, of course, are simply the ones who were honest enough to admit their desire to walk out; who knows how high the real number is.


  17. almost as good as Hard Gay


  18. Thus spoke Zarathustra.

    A quick point about the get out of college and make money thing – this, for the most part, is true. And those few who do get out and make a lot of money immediately are either immensely talented (excessively rare; I know a bunch of Ivy league grads and only one of them even qualifies) or lucky (much more common), which will run out.

    Usually the most capable ones end up in grad school either immediately (doctors, lawyers) or later on (MBAs) anyways. Not always, but it’s frequent.

    The whole out of college and immediately rich thing (at least, by which I mean, genuinely rich) is very rare.


  19. Bravo, bravo! Encore, encore!

    I look forward to a possible inclusion in the series.


  20. z –

    successful family life != marriage


  21. on December 13, 2008 at 8:14 pm ironrailsironweights

    Yo Roissy, you are totally wrong, I have almost no gray in my hair.

    Not in the hair on my head, either.



  22. Um, 11 Minutes, I think you’re confusing “Clio” with “Clint”, who wrote the lines you quote in your comment.

    I’ve never said anything like that. Never would say anything like that. And I’ve never (well, not for a long time now) denied Game is effective, either, or that men shouldn’t try it.

    My main quarrel with this site is that so many readers believe that all Alphas in Roissy’s sense are emotionally tough (not necessarily), or assholes (only sometimes). As for betas, many of them are nice guys – and many are not, another point some male readers here find hard to believe.

    As for women, I think we should look at the Gamers closely and choose them with care. Some are better men than others.


  23. Here’s hoping Roissy spins out little fantasies of this kind featuring all of us regulars!


  24. cause you need to be validated in that manner. pathetic beta.


  25. Roissy,

    I am Stunned that you would devote yourself to me this way. You do love me; don’t you? You know I only want the best for you! It’s true actually. :’)


  26. You might have mentioned my teenbot daughter bearing witness to her mother being sexually ravaged and the resulting damage to her circuitry requiring 20 years of psychbot reprogramming. Hope would enjoy that.


  27. Is there background music?


  28. on December 14, 2008 at 1:53 am David Alexander

    Here is the model for my sexbot:

    What do you guys think?


  29. Sexbots will NEVER be much of anything.

    Pheromones, however, that’s another story. It probably won’t be a “love potion” but something within shouting distance at least.



  30. Truly creative Roissy. Along your usual themes of course and good for you.



  31. “Here is the model for my sexbot:

    What do you guys think?”

    Closer to a terminator bot than a sex bot.


  32. @DA:
    “What do you guys think?”

    Not bad.


  33. Can someone define rich?

    (Never mind that most who would be considered rich by job as opposed by birth DO work around 70hours)


  34. Clint,

    You have no evidence that any of these guys are successful at being PUAs. Aside from “Roissy”, who we have precious little information on, except that he lives in DC. Me-thinks that if these forum-loiterers are really scoring, they wouldn’t be posting every 2 hours on this forum.

    Also, I get the impression that you need money to be a reasonably successful PUA, from paying for the books and bootcamps, to actually having a decent pad to hitch back to. So I doubt that a college dropout like DA would have it easy even if he learned rudimentary game.


  35. Shyster,you need money to be a reasonably successful PUA, from paying for the books and bootcamps, to actually having a decent pad to hitch back to.

    You can pirate ebooks and videos, and tight game and logistics will make low income less of an issue.

    Paul Janka is a rising pickup artist, has something like 200 lays, and has basically a closet for a pad in Manhattan. He does a bit of SAT tutoring, and otherwise spends his time picking up women, Harvard physics grad.


  36. I like Paul a lot. He is a good guy.

    But Paul is a hell of a lot better looking than the men that post on this site.

    Advising the men on this site to develop game is like advising a person of average IQ to try to emulate Bill Gates.

    Women’s response to game is directly related to how good looking the PUA is


  37. cosign Abe
    Janka is hot(& a douche)


  38. Anyone ready for a tasty snack? Fear not, here is a positively delicious GNP for all you gourmets out there!



  39. Abe, (accidentally posted as anon earlier),

    There’s Roosh, lives in his parents basement, and Neil Strauss, who looks like a rat and sounds like a fag.

    Maybe a guy adopts an ‘abundance mentality,’ improves his eye contact, stops hunching over, begins wearing shapely clothing, works out or any number of things. Even if he still can’t get nines, he would get more and/or hotter women than before.

    FWIW, Paul is an outlier among PUAs, in terms of attractiveness. It seems like most PUAs are above average in looks. There are guys like Cajun, who are average, but put together a look that makes them sexy to women.


  40. What about the part where the cops drag away Gannon and he says, “No, it’s legal! She’s a sexbot! And her parents approve of me!”


  41. how can anyone take anything roissy says seriously when he writes pages of nerdy, boring shit about his internet friends