An Open Letter to My Hypothetical Future Kids

Dear fruit of my loins, 

You’re not getting any inheritance.  I plan to blow the whole wad on booze, traveling, and Ukrainian hookers.  I’m going out with a smile on my face.  So prepare for your future.

Forget about a college fund.  You think I want to sock away a hefty percentage of my take-home so I can put your ungrateful ass through an overpriced IQ-notarizing ivory tower for the benefit of corporate human resources departments?  Fuck you.  Save up yourself, get a loan, or learn a trade.  The library is free.

Don’t come to me for a self-esteem boost.  That’s your mother’s job.  I’ll tell it like it is.  You’re getting fat?  I’ll let you know.  You throw like a girl?  I’ve got the video to prove it.  That’s a father’s job; to give you a taste of reality that’ll either motivate you to improve or divert your energies into more productive pursuits.  Fuck this kumbaya cooperative superfeminized dreamworld shit that’s killed the American spirit.  I’ll give it straight up.

If I catch you masturbating do not look me in the eye.  We are never to speak of it.  We will act as if nothing ever happened.

On a related note, you are not to disturb me while I am in my masturbatorium.

I will have mistresses because it is the French thing to do.  Get used to it.

I will flirt with your unbelievably luscious, hot teenage female friends no matter how old I get.  Get used to it.

I will never hit you.  Instead, I will mindfuck you until you are hitting yourself for your foolish behavior.

I will love you very much… unless you do things that will make me not love you.  Nothing is unconditional in this world.  Learn that lesson well.

If someone is causing you undeserved trouble or heartache in your life, you will have no more powerful ally than me.  Do not abuse this privilege.

To my daughter:  Disownable offenses include stripping, whoring, getting your vag tattooed or pierced, sex with losers, bukkake, home made porn vids, and majoring in womyn’s studies at a 36K/year no-name liberal arts college.  Choose wisely.  If necessary, I will spring for plastic surgery to improve your looks.  Trust me, it’ll be the best investment a father could possibly make in his daughter.

To my son:  You will learn how to say Hi to girls before the age of 16 if it kills you.  There will be no Star Trek or Lord of the Rings posters in your room.  You will instead have Helmut Newton photographs hanging on your walls and a copy of Mystery Method.  I will treat the family dog better than you if you major in anything that doesn’t ensure a salary high enough to keep you from grubbing off me.  Learn how to throw a punch.  If you turn out gay, don’t ever bring your “boyfriend” around me.  Certain things are best left in the realm of the abstract.


if I find out your mother was a two-timing whore and you are not my kid, you will never hear from me again.  Kindly direct all your rage her way.


  1. You throw like a girl? I’ve got the video to prove it.

    Hahaha. I hope this was as fun for you to write as it was for me to read.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So you’re going to be the dad that gives his daughter implants for graduation. How thoughtful!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like your college advise, and your daughter advise is observed across all human cultures. But from what I’ve seen your extreme intentions with regard to your son advise won’t survive reality.

    Something changes when a man has a son, and men seem to develop an urge to splurge on his future, especially firstborns. This undoubtedly stems from the fact that a resource-rich son will be able to attract many women, and thus spread his genes far and wide, regardless of where he acquired the resources (ie inheritance or effort, doesn’t matter) So you will develop a strong biological incentive to leave your son a large enough inheritance. True whether it be the Kings of Europe or Donald Trump.

    And fathers encouraging and motivating sons, being ‘sympathetic’ they screw up etc, is not some touchy-feely American aberration, but is prevalent in all human societies. Observe the father-son relationship in Apocalypto or, well, any movie.


  4. I want my kids to learn from my example, to earn an appreciation for hard work, a deep sense of honor, loyalty to those who have earned it, and I shall make them memorize Von Clausewitz,

    “…a strong mind is not one that is merely susceptible of strong excitement, but one which can maintain its serenity under the most powerful excitement, so that, in spite of the storm in the breast, the perception and judgment can act with perfect freedom, like the needle of the compass in the storm-tossed ship.” – On War

    I want them to use their minds, be cunning, to strategize, and appreciate taking risks. They will be well travelled as I was at childhood and will learn to adapt wherever they go. They will learn manners and customs from many different places, art, languages and will possess the ability to apply an arm bar with relative ease by the age of 5.


  5. LOL!

    Seducing tip no.1: Show the woman you’d make a good dad, that you’ve thought about family, and direct her to this post (Oh God, can you just imagine the look on her face?)


  6. brilliant, young Jedi…


  7. God damn you! Scratch ANOTHER post i was planning on doing (To my unborn son). This is twice now, I think we should talk or atleast e mail all future blog post ideas though….

    But this was funny though, well played


  8. mm – i’d prefer that any daughter of mine not be so superficial and that her inner beauty is more important…. HAHA!! who am i kidding, i can’t even keep a straight face writing that.

    vk – go ahead, do it anyway. kids these days need to be taught multiple lessons.

    cuch – you are undoubtedly right about the biological urges, but what use are the urges when we are headed toward the illimitable black void? rationally, my son’s genetic propagation will mean nothing to me once i’m dead. not even the memories will matter. so what’s the point? may as well pursue a policy of pleasure to the last dying breath.


  9. Clearly a Gentile parent’s perspective. A Jewish one would include something along the lines of, if desiring to enter the family household after the age of 20, one must approach with head bowed and in a crouch, place evidence of latest post-graduate degree or publication, retreat backwards to property edge stll crouched and with head bowed, and wait until approval of said accreditation is rendered.

    Oh, and I would’ve thrown in a warning to any future daughter that any and all boys venturing a social call will find me answering the door in a wife beater with a wooden baseball bat and a Coors banquet. But, then again, I’m a hayseed, and, well, that’s what we do.


  10. Nicely written. It’s about time somebody dispensed with the kumbaya bullshit in child-rearing. Apply adult-level expectations to your teenage (or even pre-teen) kids and they’ll turn out fine. If you insulate them from the real world, you’re in for serious emotional and financial pain.


  11. You’ve been tagged. Check out my latest post for details.


  12. if I find out your mother was a two-timing whore and you are not my kid, you will never hear from me again. Kindly direct all your rage her way.

    Uh oh…somebody’s insecurities are showing!


  13. this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read I think you need to create more letters.


  14. I will never hit you. Instead, I will mindfuck you until you are hitting yourself for your foolish behavior.

    Fucked up, dude.

    At least hitting is simple and honest.


  15. jeez, no wonder this site repels and fascinates me, and no wonder my friend sent me over here. remove the profanity and it’s my father’s blueprint.


  16. Wow.

    I’m glad you put in the word “hypothetical” lol.

    It’s funny how your hypothetical daughter is the only one with “disownable offenses” and that they are mostly sex related.

    If you hyp. son turns out to be a slut or has sex with losers, especially some of the girls you’ve described here, would he be disowned too, or would that be ok since he’s a guy?

    It’s ok for you to have mistresses but you would call your partner (because I highly doubt that you would get married) a two-timing whore if she cheats….right. If she’s a whore for cheating then you’re a whore for cheating. Just calling it like I see it 😉


  17. “I will love you very much… unless you do things that will make me not love you. Nothing is unconditional in this world. Learn that lesson well.

    If someone is causing you undeserved trouble or heartache in your life, you will have no more powerful ally than me. Do not abuse this privilege.”

    I absolutely love these two. While the entire letter is good, I think these two are just pure gold. I wish more kinds were aware of this and that more parents were acting like this. Of course, CR might have actual kids once and not act in this way, but I really hope that he sticks true to his word.


  18. I often catch myself coming back to this post.

    It gives me perspective in my last year of college. Thanks for the real education.