Something flew in my eye

When is it OK for a man to cry? 

Never.
When his dog dies.

These are the two historically acceptable answers, but there’s room to open the floor for a couple more as long as certain preconditions are met.  First, one tear and one tear only is allowed.  Anymore, and the line is crossed into blubbering.  Second, the guy must be completely oblivious to his one tear.  Or at least act like he’s oblivious.  His face should be still; there should be no trembling of the lip or move to wipe away the tear.  When that tear falls he should be looking solemnly into the far distance, as if his one tear were pregnant with so much philosophical profundity the world isn’t worthy of his expression of sadness.  The right way to cry is like this guy:

cryingindian.jpg
not an indian!

When women cry, which they do often and unexpectedly (“why are you crying?”  “sometimes a girl just needs to cry!”), it’s like a chimney sweep for their emotions.  Similar to the way aggression and horniness gets bottled up in men, the whole panoply of emotions builds up to toxic levels in women rendering them incapacitated until they escape to a private space and unleash a torrent of tears.  The deluge scrubs their brains’ wiring and everything settles back into a normal operating state.

Men don’t need to deal with this minefield of competing emotions so when a guy sheds that one magnificent droplet you know it is full of meaning.  When you see a guy choked up, you don’t say to yourself “oh god, there he goes again”, you say “damn, that’s gotta be hard.”

A guy knows to honor the code and people’s expectations of what it means to be a man by crying only when the tragedy is grave.  For instance, a fellow soldier’s death on the battlefield.  Loss of a close family member (extended family like cousins don’t reach the level of tear-shedding.  Subdued facial demeanor is enough.)  A lump in the throat is permitted during the scene in ‘Cinderella Man’ when Russell Crowe’s Depression-era character promises his first-born son that he’ll never have to go to his aunt’s again because there wasn’t enough food on the table.

A brief glaze across the eyes is acceptable on the last note of this aria, when no one’s watching, and you understand what the lyrics are about:

ps: check out the female judge’s O-face at the 2:13 mark.





Comments


  1. Another tear-jerker movie: away from her
    When in public and feeling the need to cry (rarely happens), I act like a man. You know…stay silent, pretend I’m scratching my face and wipe away the tears on the sly and pretty much hide my face. I save the yearly women’s emotional release sob fest for behind closed doors.

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  2. i dated a guy once who cried all the time. it was the most annoying thing ever. so i simply had to break up with him. of course, he cried when i did. he was an f’ing marine and cried all the time. how pathetic is that. grow a pair man.

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  3. on June 15, 2007 at 5:27 pm de tocqueville

    where does that aria come from?

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  4. I don’t think it’s that bad for a guy to cry. All the time yes that’s weird. But once in a blue moon? Sure. It’s so rare to see it that it affects us that much more.

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  5. One guy I dated turned out to be such a whiner that I quickly decided to break things off. When I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore, he actually started crying– which at that point was about as compelling as a flaccid dick. I told him to stop being such a pussy and show himself out.

    Shortly thereafter, the guy quit his job and left the country. I hope I wasn’t too hard on him.

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  6. de tocque – it’s ‘nessun dorma’ from the opera turandot.

    jo – scarcity is the spice of life.

    nikita – harsh. i love it. you’re new nickname is tankgrrl. so it is written, so it shall be done.

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  7. Roissy, I’m not sure how to interpret that moniker. If you’re expecting me to show up tonight looking like this:

    http://www.tankgirl.info/tankgirl/index.html

    … then you may be disappointed by my sleek Vespa and little black dress.

    Ou peut-etre je dois porter ma combinaison en cuivre pour ne te pas egarer, car je suis quasiment fidele a l’image de La Femme qui m’a donne son nom.

    Liked by 1 person


  8. On a related note, if any girls disagree with Roissy and me, you should send your man a special e-card. May I suggest:

    http://www.someecards.com/upload/thinking_of_you/seeing_you_sob_turned_me_on.html

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  9. nikita – anne parillaud or peta wilson?

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  10. Looks-wise, clearly Peta.

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  11. But you wouldn’t know that yet.

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  12. so certain are you?

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  13. Oh, sorry. Have we met?

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  14. it feels like it.

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  15. If you turn out to be someone I actually know, this HH is going to be a lot more interesting…

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  16. Oh my God, explain this – Sergey Brin, one of the richest billionaires in the world just married this horror show:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/29/technology/29google.
    html?ex=1182052800&en=bbf42398c2bd5740&ei=5070

    http://valleywag.com/tech/inappropriate/
    richard-branson-moves-in-on-google-girl-243497.php

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  17. your best post

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  18. My dad cried quite a bit throughout his bout with cancer (timely that I am commenting about this on Father’s Day…since he has been gone now 3 years).

    Facing death with a disease that wrecks you and those around you – certainly is worthy of some tears.

    Quite honestly, I have never cried as hard as when I saw him cry.

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  19. KJ, a loved father dying of cancer will shake even the stoniest stoic heart.

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  20. When my son was little, he asked me, “Daddy, do you ever cry?” I said “Only at movies, plays, and operas, which doesn’t count.”

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  21. Years ago when I wore contacts my eyes would always dry out and I had to constantly use drops. There were times I would forego contacts as my presciption was mild but blurry objects from my myopia would give me headaches. I was told that the reason my eyes were so dry was because I simply did not cry enough and I needed to cry more to make my contacts more comfortable so…..I got LASIK and told them to fuck off.

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  22. […] promise made by Jim Braddock to his first-born son in Cinderella Man that he’ll always put food on the table for his family. Why do I consider these scenes representative of manliness? Because they […]

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  23. […] But if the circumstances are favorable, and the alpha vibe is particularly strong, and his crying technique is solid, a man may shed a single tear. If all goes well, this act of vulnerability can make a […]

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  24. I saw my dad cry only once….when his dad passed away.
    I think I will do the same one day.

    good post

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  25. If anyone wants to know how to cry like a man then watch the Supernatural episode where Dean talks about his time in hell. Only a single tear, the faraway look, a quick chin tremble and thats it. He speaks in a deep, choked voice.

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  26. Profligate crying is disgusting in a man. Once you cry in front of a girl, your whole aura is gone.

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  27. Didn’t cry when first wife left. I think may have freaked her out.

    Did cry when thought present wife was dieing. Anyway not in front of her though he he he

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  28. […] it’s not, unless he knows how to emote like an alpha. 7 for […]

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  29. Larry Holmes cried after he beat the hell out of Ali. I think that was acceptable.

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  30. I would hope that tearing up from laughing is still considered acceptable. Because I was definitely doing a little of that when I saw the female judge perk right up and start crying at his singing.

    It’s actually a little sad what little puppets most of them are.

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