TP Free

This guy wants to minimize his environmental impact by, among other draconian measures, cutting toilet paper out of his life.

1 ply?!?  cheap fucks!

Sawyer: “Now, I know everybody wants to know what you do instead of toilet paper. I’m not going to tell them. I’m going to let them go online and search this out for themselves. Let me just say it’s the Bedouin solution. If you don’t know what that is, you’re on your own out there.”

The Bedouin solution, for those who need to know, is to wipe with the left hand.  That is why they only eat with their right hands.  So if you meet a Bedouin and he extends his left hand to greet you, that means he thinks you are a douche.

This story made me wonder which modern conveniences I could live without and still function as a human being.

Microwave oven – No prob.  My gradual switch to a healthier diet over the years has practically obviated the need for a microwave.  Salmon?  Broiled or grilled.  Veggies?  Steamed.  Green tea?  My kettle does it almost as fast.  I would miss nuking the occasional hotdog.  Reheating leftovers would require more work.  I could train myself to eat cold food.

Internet – This would hurt.  Of course, I would survive.  but I’ve become so accustomed to doing so much online that it would add many hours to my week to do the same things offline.  The upside is that most of these things are pointless.  The loss of email just means less mental effort wasted reading unfunny forwards and constant updates on my friends’ happy hour antics.  Jerking it to porn would become a lot less convenient but it would feel dirty and subversive again from all the midnight trips to the seedy sex shop.  This would make the self-pleasuring a lot more exciting.  As would Victoria’s Secret catalog day.

Cell phone – The advantages of no cell outweigh the disadvantages in my opinion.  Fewer road accidents, no need to learn text game, no obligation to pick up the phone every time a girlfriend calls when I’m out on the prowl.  The downside is that I would not be able to use the cell as a prop when gaming girls to look like I’m closing a big deal or taking an urgent message from a mystery woman.

Car – I’ve already done this.  It was the best 6 months of my life.  I envy guys who live in cities where it is not a dating handicap to be car-less.

TV – I wouldn’t miss it a bit.  Total mind rot.  Well, OK, I might miss Animal Planet.  Chicken eating spiders, yo.

Ipod – Technically, IRiver.  I’m a nonconformist.  No earbuds means I’d have to interact with my environment.  Hmmm… could lead to opening more chicks during the daytime.

Digital camera – This is another good game prop.  I use it in a digicam routine (“ok, now let’s take a sad picture.  now a happy picture.  awesome.  now let’s take a pic of us flirting with each other.  oh man, look at that.  we look like those sappy couples everyone makes fun of.”) and as a method of social proof (“wanna see pics of italy?  woops, how’d she get in there? let’s just skip past that.”).  Tough to lose this one.  On the plus side, no more bad angle shots.

The Octodog – Life without this wondrous kitchen gadget?  Yeah right, may as well take away my TP.


  1. i find living without a car easy. i went six months without tv, which only made my life better.

    technology i miss the most: dishwasher.


  2. No one can ever take away my tp. No one.

    TV I can live without. I don’t own an ipod. I rarely use my microwave. My car is my baby, though. There’s nothing better than driving around on a sunny, spring day.


  3. i may be the only guy i know who doesn’t like driving, no matter the car. give me a scooter i can ride with my legs on one side italian-style and i’m good to go.


  4. Oddly enough, I just had the opportunity to choose between TP and no TP. The “Bedouin method” is not a real option.

    I’m an IT consultant. Using customer keyboards with one tainted hand is not an option. Washing the left hand to a sanitary level would take more resources than a few squares of TP.

    My customers require face time and are always more than 15 miles away generally in a areas with few cabs (taking a cab is as resource intensive as my Jeep!) and no mass transit. In areas with mass transit, the schedules do not match IT schedules (we mostly work when no one else is working so you don’t feel the pain of a system outage).

    My really big question: how do I play Call of Duty 4 on XBOX Live without using the Internet? I’ve already replaced the TV with a projector. That’s good for something, isn’t it?