How to Own a Room

Unreconstructed barbarian Zeets called to give me a recap on his date with a girl he took to a popular local lounge.

Zeets:  It was all going well until I felt an explosion of gases in my intestines.  A deep rumbling.  I couldn’t do anything while she was there next to me.
Me:  Why not go to the bathroom?
Zeets:  Cream puffs excuse themselves to the bathroom to pass gas.  Real men wait for a clearing in the room and let it rip.  BRRRAAAPPP!  Anyhow, we were sitting down.  I don’t like to be rousted from a comfortable position.
Me:  Then you dropped a patented Zeets cluster bomb.  I remember those unfondly.
Zeets:  Oh yes!  Not right away.  I held it in for as long as I could, the pressure building, until we were ready to leave.  I hustled her ahead of me and stayed a few steps behind.
Me:  So she was out of smell shot.  How chivalrous.
Zeets:  There was a group of young luscious chicks on the dance floor… oh man, one of them was wearing black skintight leather pants… [pause to make inhaling through teeth sound… “oh yeeeeeeahhh”]… laughing and having a good time, probably students new to the city… exploring their world and their womanhood.  I got up and blasted them, one of my best yet.  Right in the middle of their tea time.
Me:  No fear.
Zeets:  Nope!  The music was loud so they didn’t hear it.
Me:  It wasn’t a smelly one?
Zeets:  Oh no, my friend, it was a smelly one.  As I walked out the door I heard the girls shrieking and yelling “PEW!”.  ha!  Perfect!  I left with a smile on my face.
Me:  And no one suspected anything.
Zeets:  Not a thing.  I bet they spent the rest of the night looking at each other and pointing fingers.
Me:  Besides the bodily functions the lounge worked its magic on your date?
Zeets:  Like an aphrodisiac.  It’s never let me down.
Me:  You like this chick?
Zeets:  Yeah, she’s fun.  Pretty.  We had a good, solid makeout.  With tongue.
Me:   That’s good.  What does she do for a living?
Zeets:  I don’t remember… some non-profit, save Darfur crap or something like that.

Attention to detail.  We have it ladies.  It’s just selective.





Comments


  1. Cropdusting people at clubs and restaurants is the privledge of dudes like me who have fetid innards.

    For those of you who don’t live on egg whites and protein powder, here’s how you can clear a dancefloor in a few easy steps:

    1) buy stink bombs

    2) walk through a dancefloor and drop one; it’ll get stepped on by someone dancing a little while after you’re safely away

    3) Relax and watch the pandemonium ensue

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  2. On a related note, check out this story entitled “The Attack of the Mad Shitter”:

    http://www.charm.net/~msaroff/shitter.shtml

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  3. now that there isnt smoking in the bars..we chix naively thought we would be able to go to clubs …AND ..not get our clothes all stinky…umm..silly us..
    xoxo

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  4. A woman could have done the same thing as Zeets. After all, women fart too. And that’s not even to mention queefing.

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  5. hey okay maybe u and zeets can help. me and htis girl have been having a good time. i didnt get to drop a cropbuster but she is now saying something like just wanting to be friends and not leading me on. is this good and should i just bail. i totally dig her, we aint even kissed yet and from the looks of it if at all we do its at her own bidding. i fgured she likes me but… now i am just confused.

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  6. Surfer, the man you want to help you out with this is neither Roissy nor Zeets, but David Alexander. He should be along shortly with insights into your truly unique situation.

    Paully, that’s mighty lame. Stink bombing is pretty freakin middle school.

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  7. i would like to suggest that surfer might not have been paying attention to anything that was ever written here on this blog, ever, even one thing, once. that is the feeling i get.

    i have no proof.

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  8. @jew: david alexander? where is he and when is he
    coming?

    @parlie: i have been actually. i recognise with the beta males. something telle ms i could be alpha but i suffer paralysis. sometimes i just think that there is no ball park situation to it all. i dunno. i just find it daunting. i dunno why. any particular read u want me to look at? the other thin though is that sometimes roissy throws me for a loop. he sounds off as someone who just goes thru women and sometimes one who cultivates them (date)

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  9. Hey, what is this lounge with magic aphrodisiac properties? I need somewhere to take women for the switch after the restaurant to the later-night makeout place.

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  10. jewcano — yeah so is cropdusting people. the bar is low.

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  11. mq – zeets has asked me kindly not to divulge the location. he is nothing if not selfish.

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  12. can’t say I blame him.

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