Girls’ Night In

I had the following phone conversation with a girl I was asking out for a third date:

Me: How does Tuesday sound?

Her: Oh no, Thursday is better. Tuesday is no good, that’s girls’ night!

Me: Is this anything like a lesbian orgy?

Her: Ha, no, we get together and do arts and crafts every Tuesday night. We make yarn doilies and have a friendly competition to see who can knit the best. And we drink a few bottles of red wine.

Me: For real?

Her: Yes, it’s fun! It’s not really about the competition, it’s about the bonding.

Me: And the giggling.

Her: Squeals and giggles!

This is a social phenomenon you will never see straight guys doing. I can’t even mentally picture a scenario under which there could be a “boys’ night in” without crossing over to fruitville. There isn’t a guy alive who would postpone a hot date to sit in a semi-circle on pillows in the living room with his buddies one designated night a week to play Uno, do a group pedicure, and bitch about girls. Guys get together to watch the game and sit respectable distances from each other on the couch, but nothing remotely resembling what girls do. The closest I can think of is when fifteen guys in my college dorm all piled into one cramped room to watch a porno and get a mass erection.

Me: So what do you guys talk about?

Her: Family, girl stuff, guys… then we talk about cats.

Girl who talks about cats + one dating checklist bullet point too many = cat lady.

The Girls’ Night In is a peculiar idiosyncracy of the childless late 20- and 30-something yuppie woman who has a library of dating books with titles like “Listen to Your Inner Bitch and Avoid These Men” and a secret stash of glittery tiaras she wears while modeling consignment shop clothes in front of a floor length mirror. Without the constant positive feedback of a supportive environment of close friends and family, women go slowly crazy. Since modern urban living shreds these ancient connections, they get their fix by taking “classes” and inventing ridiculous reasons for getting together with other women over a contrived commonality.

Women need to aimlessly socialize like men need to jerk off. If they don’t, they get their version of blue balls — wild mood swings. The fact that a girl will complain about not meeting any good men and then postpone a date with a guy she really likes to talk excitedly about that guy with her girlfriends at a doily-knitting party on the same night she could be in that guy’s arms making out with him proves that girls are mentally ill and should not be trusted with positions of power.

Conclusion

Different species. Men are more closely related to chimpanzees than they are to women.





Comments


  1. ummm i didn’t know about this. i need to alert my friends immediately.

    2 points i *actually* agree with you on (GASP): 1) she should not have told you extensively about the cats and the doilies, wtf?? there are certain singledom behaviors that neither sex should reveal to the other. 2) yes, men ARE more closely related to chimps than women.

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  2. i have recently learned that i like cats, i’m worried. i like my roommate’s cat a lot because she is smart and plays games with me. she’s similar to men i like to date.

    anyway, yes, women like to socialize if they’re single. but when i’m not single, i finally get to be my true anti-social self. but that’s just me, introverted me. most women i know never stop girl chitchat and whatnot until the day they die.

    besides, be glad you’re dating a girl who still has a lot of friends at her age. that’s a good sign.

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  3. Where there is cold there will be knitting.

    Texas girls night consists of a hot tub and pot.

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  4. on December 12, 2007 at 4:46 pm instantExcitement

    Rinaface “besides, be glad you’re dating a girl who still has a lot of friends at her age. that’s a good sign.” It’s an excellent sign!

    I couldn’t give a damn if her friends were worthless bitches that talked about each other behind her back and disliked me as well. The worst thing to happen when you start dating a girl is to find out she has no friends.

    It’s an instant alert that she has some sort of social defect and/or she will cling to me and never leave me alone. Having friends means that you can do your own thing whenever you want because she won’t go bat shit because she does have friends.

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  5. having a lot of friends, like REAL friends, usually means that she is a giving person who is worth being around. if lots of people like her enough to be around her for years, then you probably will, too.
    i don’t trust girls who have no female friends.

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  6. I think it’s great that she has friends. That’s a good sign that she isn’t going to be super-clingy. It’s also a good sign that she isn’t bailing on her friends to hang out with you – it means she has a backbone and is reliable. I think a woman who knits doilies with her friends is probably more sane than a woman who has no friends, or a woman who would drop her friends for some guy she barely knows.

    I’m sure I have girls’ nights that are just as dorky, and I love them. I once turned down a date because I was going to play Uno and sing karaoke.

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  7. What is it with lonely women and cats? Why not dogs, a more human animal than the feline?

    Serious question.

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  8. I am with Rina and Shannon–you really don’t want to date a woman who depends on you for entertainment. Doesn’t seem your style anyway… Though, the whole cat/craft thing is fucking weird.

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  9. My girlfriend two weeks ago hosted her book club meeting in our apartment. I was in the bedroom watching the Skins botch another game and when it was over, I went to the living room where they all were. I was actually expecting to see some pillow fight action and was disappointed to see them talking instead about the book/their feelings/their periods.

    I can sort of see why women like this kind of bonding. Same reason why I enjoy hanging out with my friends watching the game, playing softball/basketball/football/soccer, or going to a bar. We are all extremely social people, this phenomenon just manifests itself differently between genders.

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  10. I got good vibes about this girl.

    As some noted, she has friends – this suggests she’s at least pleasant to be around. (Steer clear of women with many male friends, no female friends – they’re egotistical takers).

    Also as noted, she won’t bail on her friends – this shows integrity. Of course, too much schedule-adherence is bad. A girl ought to be flexible with her guy.

    She immediately counter-offered with a different night for the date – this shows she’s interested in you.

    She disclosed goofy “secrets” about what she does – this suggests she’s honest, and not very calculating. Again, a good thing.

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  11. I take it you don’t play poker then?

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  12. Yeah, this sounds just like guys getting together for poker night or to watch a game.

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  13. What’s with all this cat stereotyping? I am male, and married, yet also live in a house with …. too many cats, we’ll leave it at that.

    fifteen guys in my college dorm all piled into one cramped room to watch a porno and get a mass erection

    Sorry, but a collective wood-getting session sounds distinctly fruity to me. Even if you were watching straight porn.

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  14. This was pretty hilarious and quite true to many girls’ experiences, but I must say that not all girls get together to craft — some prefer to get their crochet and their glitter on all alone.

    Also, is someone hurt on account of not getting a date when he wants?

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  15. maybe she doesn’t want to make out with you as much as you think she does. just saying.

    whether she’s knitting and talking about cats or smoking up and drinking four bottles of wine – she already had plans. i give her props for not ditching her girls when some stray horny guy pops up in her life. (maybe that means she’s less likely to cancel plans with you later in your relationship).

    again. just saying. cheers!

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  16. Yeah she definitely could have been messing with you about the cats and knitting, especially if she reads your blog and knows about how you stereotype women.

    That being said, its definitely a good thing that she has girlfriends — even better if she has been friends with them for a long time. As other people have pointed out- it shows she is stable and reliable; that she is isn’t a catty bitch that nobody can stand. Women without any friends are usually very dependent on the men they date, and will give you a hard time if you try and do things without her.

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  17. Maybe she’s just not that into you. Or doing a push-pull thing. Plus, it seems like a woman could just as easily write a blog post questioning why a man would want to hang out with his buddies rather than cuddle with her on the couch. Different motivations, as you yourself have pointed out.

    As for why women prefer cats to dogs, PA, I’m surprised the answer isn’t obvious for the pickup masters on this site. Dogs give you love and attention — that is, validation — unhesitatingly, which to women implies low status. A cat, on the other hand, is perpetually aloof and uninterested — qualities of a high-status individual that has many options — so women are willing to work to earn its approval. Unfortunately, nothing you do will ever impress a cat, so women get a new one in the hopes that this time will be different. Repeat ad catlady-itum.

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  18. That’s a plausible theory on cats, Reggie, thanks. I guess I was thinking along the lines of cats being baby-substitutes.

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  19. shannon,

    nah I feel you. It’s not about the # of comments it’s the direction the comments tend to go. I’m just waiting for someone to bring up rape and relate it to this post then I know commenting for this post has jumped the shark.

    Hope!

    yeah I’m eyeballing you, don’t even think about it 🙂

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  20. I’d like to invite all you female F.O.R to an evening of papier mache and scrapbooking. Bring your favorite Ann Geddes prints and pre-2008 Cat of the Month calendars and let’s get to pasting! Woot woot!

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  21. Comment 40: Hooray for unshaven pubes! Who cares about relevance, pubic hair is always awesome.

    Now who in the world could possibly be making those posts …?

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  22. Well, it is always awesome…

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  23. Shannon–you forgot to work David Alexander in.

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  24. Wasn’t he the one that wants to marry an 18-year-old? Or am I thinking of someone else?

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  25. Wasn’t he [David Alexander] the one that wants to marry an 18-year-old? Or am I thinking of someone else?

    It’s Gannon who has the thing for teenaged girls. David prefers porn and hopes for the development of sexbots.

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  26. It’s Gannon who wants the 18-year-old. David Alexander wants the right to look at internet porn unmolested by people who tell him he ought to be, er, getting laid.

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  27. Beat me to it, Peter.

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  28. BTW, Shannon, that’s the funniest comment I’ve ever seen here. Good for you. I too take comfort in the fact that I’m too old for any of these men.

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  29. PA & Reggie–About cats…unrelated to this post…my cat is cuddly and sweet and loving…just like a dog. And I am with dogs 24-7, its part of my job.

    I think its a matter of dogs usually being smellier and dirtier and cats are cleaner and like to sit on your lap and snuggle.

    I’ve had the same cat for 6 years. And my boyfriend loves her as well. No intention of getting more…hoping she lives a long life.

    I think the people with a lot of cats or dogs or anything like that fall into two categories. Animal lovers or lonely and sad.

    Ps I love dogs. And cats. You don’t have to be a “cat” lady to love animals. That is always so weird to me.

    Just as weird as the actual “cat” ladies.

    Lol.

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  30. Also, she might just be messing with you. When women talk at length to men about crafts and cats, they’re usually kidding. Maybe it’s part of the men/chimps thing, I hear chimps can be very literal.

    I once told a guy that my girls and I planned on braiding each other’s hair, talking about boys, and discussing our favorite brands of Summer’s Eve. He totally didn’t realize I was joking (in fact, the girls and I went out for drunken karaoke).

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  31. Great point on cats, Reggie.

    I realized some time ago that the reason why I don’t like cats is because they give me the same headaches (in terms of gaining their approval) that a hot chick does.

    How did cats evolve to have that personality? Is it because they were originally the king of the jungle (lion, tiger) and dogs were the betas of the jungle (hyenas, wolves, and jackals)?

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  32. Kassy – I’ve noticed that when cat owners want to mitigate criticism of their pets, they tend to declare, “No, my cat is awesome! He’s just like a dog!”

    So why not… have a dog? You make a fair point about cleanliness, but the smelliness issue is still up for debate inasmuch as having a cat means that you have boxes of shit in your house.

    I was being sort of satirical (though only sort of) in my analysis of cat, lady, and cat-lady dynamics. I don’t know that I honestly believe evolutionary psychology/pickup theory actually applies to pet choice… but then, why aren’t there as many dog ladies as cat ladies?

    Also, women have the right to pubic hair self-determination.

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  33. Shannon, funny post, and I might add, attractive women in their 30’s are definitely in my do-able range. Although I don’t usually blame feminism until about post 35 to 40.

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  34. on December 13, 2007 at 1:29 am David Alexander

    David Alexander wants the right to look at internet porn unmolested by people who tell him he ought to be, er, getting laid.

    Damn straight. Who needs yucky real women when there are better fake women on a 640 X 640 video on a 15inch monitor in a cold suburban bedroom. It’s free and easy to use, and it takes a fraction of the time! Go porn! 🙂

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  35. Dear God, I have to tell you one of the joys in reading your blog is witnessing how ANY subject you post about can be overanalyzed 1 billion times over, even when you’re just being sarcastic.

    Can you please go ahead with what we planned? Right a post with only one word. “Poop” and I bet you you’ll get over 30 comments deconstructing masculine poop from feminist poop and what kind of poop insecure people have as opposed to poop in communist countries with low social reform. Seriously do it!

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  36. VK, I can’t speak for the others. But, no, I’m not overanalyzing this post. I offered the idea that the woman is messing with him (which she totally is), and then pointing out that a chick who doesn’t bail on her friends for a guy is probably pretty cool. (And now I’m analyzing whether I’m overanalyzing, which is sort of sad, so thanks!)

    Yeah, I can’t figure out why he gets 300 responses on smelly girl-parts or whatever, but still, this post has been really tame.

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  37. The Formula:

    Original post is funny, usually well-written, and insightful in its own way. Flaws: treats women as a monolithic group. Heaven knows we don’t have individual personalities or anything. Or, on a creative day, he dislikes fat chicks or anyone over 30. (My age renders me non-dateable in the universe, which is a great comfort to me.)

    Comments 1-10: Posters debate original essay and offer insight/opinions.

    Comment 11: Poster wants to marry an 18-year-old girl, which has nothing to do with anything.

    Comment 12-16: Everybody wants an 18-year-old, or, better yet, a 16-year-old! They get preggers real easy, too. That’s great!

    Somewhere around Comment 20, feminism is blamed for the fact that we can’t all go screw 16-year-olds every single day like our forefathers did.

    Comments 21-25 are from women who point out that blaming feminism for everything is total B.S.

    Comments 26-30 are from men who can’t get laid because of feminists.

    Comments 31-35 are from women who point out that these guys aren’t getting laid because of all the time they spend on the Internet complaining about women.

    Comment 36 offers the entire course material from the Women’s Studies program at Bryn Mawr.

    Comment 40: Hooray for unshaven pubes! Who cares about relevance, pubic hair is always awesome.

    Comment 41: Women have the right of pubic hair self-determination and will rise up against anyone who tells them otherwise.

    Comment 42 onwards: Uh, what was the original post about, anyway?

    Comments 50 and up: Seriously, people, it’s better to click your “back” button than curse the darkness. Sort of how tribes become less bonded after they reach 50 people, after 50 posts all coherence is lost. Everybody shouts about nothing.

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  38. I disagree that this phenomenon doesn’t exist on the male side. What about watching sports with the guys or getting together for a night of poker? (I’ve never done the latter, but among *some* of my former co-workers on the Hill, this was all the rage, and they specifically referred to it as ‘male bonding’ – poker, cigars, and commiserating about being abused by all those mean, heartless DC broads. There were groups of guys who would swear by this as a Thursday night ritual, and talk endlessly about it at work.)

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  39. Hmm. I might sleep with him but it’s against my religion. And I think he was in kindergarten when I was twenty. At most. Nope, I think disapproving-but-amused aunt is my role on this blog.

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  40. Thank you so much for the laugh!
    I just posted your blogsite to my bookclub mailing list. I just loved your comment that “Women need to aimlessly socialize like men need to jerk off.”
    I wonder if I can get a shirt with that on it…
    Cheers

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  41. Reggie–I actually just had my family dog pass away last year and it was hard…I cannot imagine having another one right now…but I do walk dogs part time so I am with them all the time and I see just how much harder it is to have one. The drool with many, the need to walk them…its a lot of work in general.

    With dogs…I love them…and I love being with them but at the end of the day, I thank gd for my cat. She is just cuddly and sweet and just wants to sit in my lap and roll around and make cute faces. She may have a shit box but its always cleaned.

    But I do think your assessment even satirical was well thought out and interesting. For once, a comment not bashing all women. Refreshing. 🙂

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  42. irina: comment 66 is from a girl who wishes she did not want to sleep with him, but maybe sort of does

    ❤ dittos.

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  43. Be thankful that women spend their time with other women, for otherwise you would hear all the gossip about freinds and family and be asked to chatter mindlessly in order to bond better, or be considered dull, mindless, aloof and heartless.

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  44. Dogs are like children, and cats are like husbands.

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  45. i once asked a guy who i had just started dating what he thought of me. he was taken aback, worried that this was a ‘where is this going?’ topic.
    with his usual flair, he answered:

    you’re like the family cat.

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  46. Just back to add that the problems and pleasures of having a dog in your life are very similar to those of having a man in your life, namely: they make a lot of noise; they need constant attention; they’re hard on the carpets and furniture; and they jump all over you unless they’ve been well-trained. Also they can be loyalty-challenged, surprisingly enough: the friendly Lab who looks up at you adoringly probably does the same thing to everyone. Just a point to remember.

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  47. I don’t want to sleep with you. That would make me a self-loathing feminist with deep-seated self-esteem issues.

    Instead I am going to pull a David Alexander and download lots and lots of porn. Say, did you ever make any pornos?

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  48. “i’m the dog that failed out of obedience school.”

    An entirely unnecessary observation, Mr R.

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  49. cats are atheists, dogs are chaplains.
    cats own, dogs are owned.
    cats exploit, dogs assist.

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  50. I don’t want to sleep with you. That would make me a self-loathing feminist with deep-seated self-esteem issues.

    nah, it would just mean you haven’t met me yet.

    Say, did you ever make any pornos?

    lights, camera… erection!

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  51. and they jump all over you unless they’ve been well-trained.

    i’m the dog that failed out of obedience school.

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