Undercover Niceguy

In this Esquire article (with a very disturbing photo at the top), the author recounts his experience trying to set up his drop-dead gorgeous babysitter on a date.  For some inexplicable reason, she can’t seem to find a man on her own, so her host dad decides to help her out by impersonating her on an internet dating site and sifting through the e-suitors until he finds someone acceptable (to her, not to him, though the line is blurred).

Reading about his efforts, I can’t help but think what a milquetoast this guy is, as exemplified by what he imagines his hot nanny would look for in a guy.  It’s a classic case of beta projection.  But I suppose throughout history LJBF’ed betas have served as male cockblocks intercepting the natural desire of girls to hook up with the kinds of men who stomp all over betas.  If I were him, I’d be working the magic on my nanny, not working to get her banged by someone else.

The best part of the article is when the author has an email exchange with a guy who obviously has some knowledge of the Game.

One writes that he wants to know more about Michelle [the babysitter], but adds, “I can tell from your profile that sometimes you’re a handful.”

That’s annoying.

I respond: “What gives you the idea that I’m sometimes a handful?”

He responds: “I am so right!”

Now the bastard has really pissed me off.

Of course he has.  You are a man.  You respond to cocky flirting from another man by rearing up, flattening your ears, and raising your fur.  A woman would respond much differently. 

I click on his profile. A John Turturro look-alike with a smug smile.

He sees “smug”; she would see “confident”.

His opening photo shows him with his arm around a pretty woman with large breasts, as if to say, “I hang around with hot, large-breasted women, so if you are a hot, large-breasted woman, you should also hang around with me.” He likes to “work hard and play harder.” He is “VERY spiritual.”

Social proof, knows how to have fun, and dabbles in the supernatural.  Well-established tactics in the player’s arsenal of seduction.  His nanny would not react to this the way he is.

Michelle is not a handful. In her profile, she says that she’s very open and will let you know when she’s upset. That makes her a handful?

Too funny.  The author, Jacobs, doesn’t realize it, but the suitor’s seduction tactic worked on him.  He’s qualifying himself here!

Anyhow, Jacobs is clueless.  He must be much older because he can’t grasp the nuance of the word “handful” in this context.  Letting a guy know when she’s upset is, in fact, a leading indicator of handfulness.  The suitor has used a qualification technique on the girl designed to put her on the defensive and convince her he has standards in the women he dates.

But I have a theory. I think the fucker is employing an underhanded strategy. I edited an article a couple of years ago about a book called The Game, by Neil Strauss.

A glowing review, I’m sure.  Note to aspiring authors of player manuals — don’t let a beta review your book.

It’s about a nebbishy guy who decides to become the world’s greatest pickup artist, and it became exceedingly popular with a certain type of single man. One major strategy Strauss talks about is to mildly insult a beautiful woman, lower her self-esteem, thus making her more vulnerable to your advances.

This is a common misperception.  The objective is not to lower the self-esteem of the girl but raise the value of the player relative to her and therefore make her lower her bitch shield and become more pliable for conversation.  Backhanded compliments tell the girl that he is a guy who isn’t dazzled by her beauty like all those other losers.

So I e-mail handful guy as Michelle: “Have you read the Game by Neil Strauss?”

He says, “What makes you ask me that?”

Yes! Busted.

Congratulations, Jacobs, you won a moral victory.  Now go back to limply boffing your dumpy ageing wife, said dumpiness no doubt accentuated and rubbed in your effete face by the constant comparisons to the hot unavailable babysitter prancing around your home.

I respond: “I was wondering if your first email was a neg.” A “neg” is pickup patois for the mild insult.

He shoots back: “No, it was playful teasing. And yes, I have read the book.”

Thus commences a flurry of e-mails arguing whether his line qualifies as a neg. Finally, he brings out his trump card: “Considering that I know most of the people in the book personally from before the book was released, I’m gonna have to disagree.”

The player loses his cool here.  Since he still thinks he’s talking to a girl, he shouldn’t have gotten defensive.  His best play would have been to casually acknowledge the Game as something his girl buddy told him about and then bounced the conversation to the related subject of dating and flirting.  In other words, act like it’s no big deal. 

Aha. I hit the sleazeball jackpot, a longtime pickup artist. I tell him I’m glad my womanly radar warned me against him.

Jacobs is giddy that he can stick it to a guy who symbolically represents every jerk he ever resented for getting the girl when he couldn’t.  Settle down, Beavis.

He says, “I was hoping online dating would introduce me to different girls than the ones I pick up and seduce in bars, clubs and starbucks. So far not.”

Bad move.  Too hostile.  This guy is not a player, he’s a struggling ex-beta.  There is much learning ahead for him.

It was the closest thing to an admission of guilt that I was going to get.

I write, “Just remember as you wade through the dating pool [his lame metaphor, by the way]: we women are not just here to be conquered as part of the game.”

Bitter beta resentment – it’s what’s for dinner!

I’m a magnet for scammers. Everyone wants down my pants. Michelle probably would have sniffed this guy out eventually, but I’m proud that I saved her from a date.

Michelle thanks you by flaunting her luscious goods in front of your ineffectual feeble manhood.





Comments


  1. A beta’s abiltiy to be creepy to the highest degree will never, ever cease to amaze me.

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  2. I agree with you about the betaness and all-around lameness of the nanny’s employer.

    I disagree with your saying that he ought to work on seducing the nanny (if that’s what you mean leterally).

    Adultery is a no-no because it is a vilation of honor; and a man’s honor is precious, and a key component of alphaness.

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  3. damn typos. “Literally” and “Violation”.

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  4. The premise of the article is perposterous, as well as disturbing.

    If this article wasn’t enough evidence that online dating sucks ass, I don’t know what is.

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  5. PA:
    I disagree with your saying that he ought to work on seducing the nanny

    his wife should know better than to unnecessarily tempt her husband by hiring a hot nanny.
    that is, unless she believes he couldn’t do a thing about it even if he wanted to.
    heh.

    a man’s honor is precious, and a key component of alphaness.

    i wouldn’t advocate lying about it or hiding it.

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  6. “This is a common misperception. The objective is not to lower the self-esteem of the girl but raise the value of the player relative to her and therefore make her lower her bitch shield and become more pliable for conversation. Backhanded compliments tell the girl that he is a guy who isn’t dazzled by her beauty like all those other losers.”

    Hmmm, like when I was at Va beach and told that hot chick she was a 4?

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  7. yeah, and didn’t she almost cry?
    and she still would’ve jumped your bones!
    moral of the story:
    better to make a girl cry than to bore her.

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  8. I’m not sure of the wife’s reason for hiring a pretty nanny. It’s said that women never do anything by accident. Maybe she wished to please her husband with some eye candy and perhaps she enjoys a little of that herself. Or on some level maybe she wanted to stimulate her husband’s libido with young pheremones. (I don’t have the full background, not having read the Esquire article.)

    Committing adultery openly is better than sneaking around, but it still violates their presumed wedding vow of fidelity. And breaking one’s word is a compromise of honor.

    I understand that some cultures, even Western ones, are more nonchalant about men and sometimes women taking lovers, but the Esquire guy’s cuural context isn’t one of those.

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  9. on August 3, 2007 at 7:29 pm Just Wondering

    I was just wondering how all of you men became such experts on women? Seriously. What are your credentials? It seems really odd to me that one would spend every single day writing about essentially the same subject matter over and over again. I would think you’d get bored with it.
    Also what is the motivation behind all of this? Please answer. This question is keeping me up at nights.

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  10. Just wondering,

    I fucked a girl once….. duh

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  11. on August 3, 2007 at 8:42 pm Just Wondering

    Dearest Virgil,

    By that logic you would also be an expert on dudes. Care to share that wealth?

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  12. People don’t use the word “milquetoast” enough! This made my day.

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  13. “By that logic you would also be an expert on dudes. Care to share that wealth?”


    that was…awful.

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  14. Even as the biggest beta male douchebag commenter at this blog, I’d never bother to go to the lengths that this guy did to screen and intercept men for this woman. My policy has generally been that I don’t look for men for my female friends, and I allow their tastes to dictate their choices. I encourage, support, and compliment, but I don’t validate their choices in men because that’s their problem, and I am not going to shoulder the blame for their shitty boyfriends.

    that is, unless she believes he couldn’t do a thing about it even if he wanted to.
    heh.

    The article implies that the author knows that the girl would never be interested in a man like him.

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  15. “Committing adultery openly is better than sneaking around, but it still violates their presumed wedding vow of fidelity. ”

    Now I’m not sure if my earlier comment was right. With vices, there is something to be said for being discreet.

    “I was just wondering how all of you men became such experts on women?”

    It’s the motivation. The difference between a satisfied and a miserable life for a man lies in figuring women out.

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  16. The bottom line is that there is no way the guy could ever pick a man that would hold his babysitter’s interest for more than a few minutes (if that). He is significantly older than her, and even if he was a woman, his/her taste in men would be tempered by age. His babysitter MIGHT be interested in the men he would select for her…in 10 years when she’s ready to settle down.

    By the way, where is the babysitter’s parents in all of this? If her father isn’t around, what about her mother?

    The whole situation is creepy, and resembles the scenario where a father is screening his daughter’s boyfriends/dates. What that time comes for me (as a father that is), pointing at the old shotgun over the fireplace should be enough.

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  17. What that time comes for me (as a father that is), pointing at the old shotgun over the fireplace should be enough.

    Exactly. I think that’s what makes the guy in the article a beta — you could still find a virtuous alpha who instead of trying to zing the guys who have it better than he does, would simply quote Cher’s father from the movie Clueless, as he warns her date, who he suspects is a player:

    “I’ve got a .45 and a shovel — I doubt anybody would miss you.”

    What really shows that the guy is a fraud is that the suitor he’s most rooting for is a geek, but who insists that he’s a “cool geek because I use a Mac.” Straight from a Udolpho parody ad. He’s also described as a “shaggy-haired rocker” and lazy (though less lazy than most other suitors). Do not let Boomers sift through the applicants for you! Not surprisingly this bum didn’t have any chemistry with her.

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  18. Old girl needs to get on the innerwebs and learn how the world works on her own. Or better yet, the guy can hook her up with some scumbags and let her fend for herself. Sink or swim — she has to learn sometime. She’ll be stronger for it.

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  19. I need to find someone willing to teach me how to play the game.

    Roissy, VK, anyone?

    I tried it my way, now it’s time to stand on the shoulders of giants.

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  20. Looks like somebody has turned to the Darkside.

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  21. Looks like somebody has turned to the Darkside.

    your feeble porn is no match for the power of the dark side.

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  22. I could never become you like Roissy. I have to wake up in the morning, look at the mirror, and see a good person. To join the dark side would prevent me from doing so. I love women too much to become like you.

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  23. I love women too much to become like you.

    then why, if that is the case, has being me brought me so much love from women?

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  24. It’s quite possible that you’re lying about your techniques or the number of women that you’ve courted, or women in DC are different than women in New York. Otherwise, it’s because your jerk-tendencies display confidence and charisma which is admittedly a great way of attracting women. I’m well aware that women don’t like doormats, and you’re certainly no doormat…

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  25. there is a third option besides doormat or jerk.

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  26. I’m tempted, do explain your magical third option?

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  27. do explain your magical third option?

    A gentleman.

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  28. I thought they were good looking polite doormats…

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  29. Roissy’s pointers will be more valuable than mine but here are my humble pointers:

    Look for a girl who is marriage material. On all others, just practice your confidence and charm. Because marriage is your ultimate goal. A prolonged singlehood, even if you’re getting laid, is a walking death.

    When youu see a girl you like, approach her, start a brief, light conversation, ask her for her phone no. and disappear. Call her no less than 5 days later. Arrange a date for anytime but Fri or Sat. (she has to earn your premium time)

    Never chat on the phone with a woman. The phone exists only to set up a date. You can chat then.

    When on a date, keep it nice and low key for a while. Strabucks is nice. Keep it light and funny, let her do 80% of the talking. Don’t answer probing (“interview”) questions directly. Deflect them with humor. Don’t compliment. After the first or second date, go slowly for the kiss. If she turns her cheek, forget she exiss. Forever.

    Always be confident (don’t apologise for who you are, even to yourself), self-controlled (don’t get angry or stare at her tits), and a challenge (she’s interviewinng with you, not vice versa; don’t ever be at her beck and call)

    Let her pace the relationship. She must be the one to say that you are a couple, to say she loves you, to talk about the future. You just smile and be mysterious.

    All of that is to keep the fire under her stoked, for the long run… if she’s worth being with you.

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  30. In case anyone is still reading this old comments thread, let me add that before you even set out to meet women, do a littel work on yourself. It’s amazing sometimes how slobby single guys can look, even if they think they’re making a good-faith effort to look good.

    Get a nice haircut. Wear nice, pressed, clean-looking clothes. If your personality isn’t showy or flamboyant, don’t wear clothes that are loud and out of character with your personality. Throw out any clothes that have holes, stains, or look like they’ve been through the washer too many times.

    If you wear glasses, make sure that the frame is in keeping with the times.

    Shave. If you look better with some facial hair, keep it neat around the lips, nose, etc. Always keep the fingernails clean and trimmed.

    No matter how rich or poor you are, always wear expensive shoes. Dirty, mangled sneakers are a no-no. Clean sneakers are juvenile.

    Excercise — not to bulk up if that’s not your thing (gyms bore me to death), but merely to feel healthier, develop a straight posture, etc.

    None of the above is a recommendation for an Alpha makeover because your aim is not to become someone you’re not (women sniff out phoneys right away) but to become a better looking and feeling version of yourself. The analogy is that you’re not rebuilding a Civic into a Jaguar, but simply giving that Civic a good tuneup, vacuum and wash.

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  31. do explain your magical third option?

    A gentleman.

    or at least not a pushover.

    pa:
    Let her pace the relationship. She must be the one to say that you are a couple, to say she loves you, to talk about the future. You just smile and be mysterious.

    this is 100% good advice.

    Clean sneakers are juvenile.

    depends. wearing hip asics during daytime walking in the summer heat are acceptable.

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  32. […] Beta male avoids dates for others… […]

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  33. […] like A.J. Jacobs (who was on the Elliot in the Morning radio show today talking about his article which I excoriated) tenderly and diligently work to assure their lovers’ orgasms until their tongues go numb. We […]

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  34. That Jacobs herb really seems to enjoy posing as a woman. He gets excited by it. He probably has gay tendencies but is so deep in denial that he won’t admit it even to himself.

    And that picture… its obviously not the young babysitter. It is Jacobs dressed as a woman. Sure, its supposed to be a “joke”, but it seems like he’s getting off on it. He’s a closet tranny.

    I’m starting to suspect that a lot of the ultra herby guys are really gays who are in denial about their orientation.

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  35. You’re right Mr Cool. Jacob is a closet tranny. At the end of the story, he gives a beta the same spiel women generally give to “nice guys.” Note the Freudian slip (saying Michelle and I write to him) at the beginning of the last paragraph of the quote.

    It’s enough to bring out the nurturer in anybody. Which is why I log on to the dating service and do a search for “depressed” and another one for “lonely.” I find this:

    “ummmm, I just turned 28. Sorry to say I still live at home with my mother. Shes getting old and I help her out. I have NO LIFE. Go to work and come home, and play video games.”

    The next day, Michelle and I write him a note: “I just wanted to say that I think it’s great that you take care of your mom. There aren’t enough nice guys in this world. I don’t think we’re right for each other (I don’t believe in long-distance relationships), but I think you’ll be a catch for some lucky girl.”

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  36. […] A.J. Jacobs has been the subject of lampooning at the Chateau before: In this Esquire article (with a very disturbing photo at the top), the […]

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  37. better yet, the guy can hook her up with some scumbags and let her fend for herself. Sink or swim — she has to learn sometime. She’ll be stronger for it.
    =================
    More haggard, bitter and cynical perhaps, but stronger? I don’t see how hopping on the alpha cock carousel makes a young woman stronger.

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