The Single Mom And Her Masturbating Bastard

A single mom asks “Prudie” for advice about how to stop her horny faphappy son.

Q. My Son Can’t Keep His Hands Off Himself: I am a single mother with a 14-year-old son. I knew this time was coming but now I fear I am close to my wit’s end. I have seen evidence in his bedroom, the laundry room, and the kitchen. I know this is normal, but how much is too much? Things escalated last week when his hockey coach called me in for a conference. I have noticed my son has been taking a lot of penalties this season. It turns out he has been intentionally going to the penalty box to pleasure himself. I lashed out at him when about this and things have been awkward around the house this weekend. Am I overreacting? I know I have to talk about this with him in a calm setting, but I always find the thought of this type of discussion horrifying. I am losing sleep and I don’t want to succumb to letting his father deal with this, but what should I do?

Prudie’s (aka Emily YOFFE’s) answer is mostly anodyne, though she can’t resist the femtard compulsions to demonize the biological father and rationalize cutting him out of the picture, and to suggest “therapaaaaaah” for the boy. Yes, that’s the answer to all the problems that boys cause empowered, independent women: Therapy. While you’re at it, why not pry his eyeballs open and have him watch 48 hours of uninterrupted footage of suffrage marches and The View?

“I don’t want to succumb to letting his father deal with this”

Gotta love the pathological, unrelenting selfishness of single moms. Yes, don’t succumb to letting the kid have a talk with his real dad about something that his dad would intuitively understand. Better to yell at him for soiling your cuntrags.

This story? This is future America. Those who are nonchalant about our coming single momhood dystopia take heed: Your world is about to fill up with a lot more crusted calling cards.

Fuck this gay earth.





Comments


  1. […] The Single Mom And Her Masturbating Bastard […]

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  2. on October 14, 2014 at 11:34 am Hair Slicked Back With Swag So Fresh

    She could have given him a hand with that.

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  3. Here comes another nice guy beta.

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  4. on October 14, 2014 at 11:43 am Pervert from a high school playground

    During the recent car rally in Italy, a handful of careless spectators got new lease on this earth.

    The footage is well-worth seeing for those who like to study sexes, more specifically their instinctive reactions (“flights”) to immediate mortal dangers.

    While males are quick to get out of Dodge, the females are content in screaming, closing their eyes and wishing for horrible things to go away.

    Pay spec. attention to the guy in red jacket… and then to that sweetheart princess still left sitting on the wall.

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    • I think an easier explanation is she just wasn’t paying attention. It’s always some dumb bitch that gets a ball or puck in the face at the game too cause instead of watching she was checking her fucking facebook.

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      • Yep. This is what makes sitting behind the first base dugout so amusing, particularly when you see a lefty fireballer throwing heat to right handed hitters. Have seen probably a half dozen womenknocked out this way over the years. Never fails to amuse because it is so predictable yet still hilarious, like a Three Stooges episode.

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      • on October 15, 2014 at 1:33 am Pijama Wearing Ninja

        When I was a high-school senior, this girl was checking her phone while walking across the school yard. I was sitting by the entrance and watching two teams play football. The ball was out of play next to me and the goal keeper wanted to pass it to a team mate from out of play instead of using the conventional spot(dat laziness). Perfect long range pass right – but for the girl’s face that stopped the ball at the cost of a bloody nose. lol

        I remember it so vividly because I could tell it will impact her face the moment he kicked the ball. Kind of like when you shoot a basketball and you sort of know if it will be in or out based on how the ball leaves your hand.

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    • Rally racing demands a higher class of spectator.
      Group B spectators had balls almost as big as the driver’s.

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    • My ex could not understand that while cycling on a busy road, one must look out for cars. It was impossible for her to understand that she should scan the environment for danger and try to avoid it. Most of women I know are like that. Someday we’ll probably have a brain scan that confirms that they don’t have the faculties for realistic estimate of danger.

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      • We don’t. That is why we get all “I CAN DO THIS MYSELF!!” right before, say, falling off the roof, or having the hot water heater in the attic come crashing down on our heads.

        Do we learn from these experiences once they happen? No. That is why we repeatedly head out alone at night to bars in tight clothing. Don’t be a dick and tell us not to do these things, either.

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      • Hence the braindead…”teach boys not to rape” mantra. Preparing for danger is some kind of foreign concept. What a weird reality that must be.

        “I shouldn’t have to scan the environment, teach car drivers not to hit cyclists.” Hilarity ensues.

        Apply the same exact line of thinking to other things in the world and it sounds dumb as shit…

        “I shouldn’t have to lock my front door when I’m gone, teach people not to steal.” – doubleplusgood funny….criminal raised by a single mom. Only a man’s unwavering discipline can instill in their children, there are direct and very unfavorable consequences for being an asshole. We’ve all seen the mom give-in to fits of rage…after all, “not havin no daddy is punishment enough”

        This one is fitting..

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  5. I see now why “killing” (public wanking) is so common among the black underclass.

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    • on October 14, 2014 at 12:06 pm Pervert from a high school playground

      Men wanking in public has been all the rage in Europe for quite some time. The usual suspects are Arab, Turkish and African immigrants exposing themselves to Euro blondes.

      Russian thugs and gopniks and sickly Anglo betas are also overrepresented.

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  6. “Things escalated last week when his hockey coach called me in for a conference. I have noticed my son has been taking a lot of penalties this season. It turns out he has been intentionally going to the penalty box to pleasure himself.”

    Bullshit alert.

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    • maybe. i wonder when we’re gonna hit Peak Bullshit? that’s the point at which the bullshit and trollery exceeds the true stories in online content.

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    • Definite bullshit alert. I’ve played hockey and the penalty box isn’t exactly a private place, it’s in full view of the crowd. And you have to get through a fair amount of equipment to rub one out whilst sitting there. Not saying it couldn’t be done, but it’s so unlikely that this is cries out for a high bullshit rating…

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      • i doubt it’s true either but i’m betting there’s a tub of that Cramer Skin-Lube in that equipment somewhere. ooh mama

        https://www.cramersportsmed.com/sites/default/files/styles/product-700/public/skinlube192522-545.png?itok=B33dRBs6

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      • “[I]t’s so unlikely that this is cries out for a high bullshit rating…”

        Hence the bullshit alert.

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      • Assuming the used cum dumpster that spun this tall tale actually has a son, he will, whether there is a kernel of truth to the story, forever be known as the penalty box pud puller. The teachable moment comes when he realizes that she who bore him was such an attention whore that she crafted a silly tale like this with absolutely no thought to how this would reflect on him in the digital ether in years to come; I suspect we’ll be seeing him at the gates of the Chateau come the day.

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      • Yeah, probably. On the other hand I knew a compulsive masturbator in the Army and there was no telling when he’d whip it out and scare the horses. Being in public, or in front of senior leadership, didn’t really impair his urge to choke the chicken. As for sports… Nate Newton allegedly used to spend Dallas Cowboys team meetings in the back of the room jerking off. So this may be bogus but if it is, *somebody* been readin’ the DSM.

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    • For the win.

      More women’s “parable” time so they can feel the glow of the others’ attention on their trevails and issues.

      As for CH, I’m glad he explodes once in a while. I do as well. Sometimes, it’s like f$k this Earth….

      Some people don’t get why. It’s not because of this lady or her stupid kid. It’s not that it effects me in any way. It’s that all of this lunacy will kill my kids’ and grandkids’ futures. It will almost certainly end my people as an actual people in two centuries and even on a personal level, anyone over 30 can see that not one year has gotten any better than the year before it on the metrics that actually matter. Society, beauty, real progress, optimism for the future are all at a standstill or reversing. This is what the masses are starting to absorb.

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    • Wonder if the coach just called the kid a jerk-off and she took it literally

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    • I played hockey from the ages of 6 to 17 (yes, I’m from Canada) and met some real space cases but I have never even heard of somebody jerking off in the penalty box.

      In terms of the empire of lies we have to live in, I pray we are at Peak Bullshit. If you can have Peak Oil and Peak Credit, then why not Peak Bullshit?

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  7. If there was a father in the house full-time this would not be an issue.

    Dad: “Son, stop jerking off.”
    Son: “Yes.”

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    • “son, stop jerking off. this lubriderm doesn’t grow on trees”
      “sorry dad”

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    • When I was 9 years old I found a Playboy calender photo in a ditch. I was intrigued that I got a woodie when I looked at it, then decided to try my hand at drawing such a marvelous thing. Of course my mom walked in when I was hard at work and yanked it away from me, kicked me in the ass and said she would report it to my dad. Later he called me into his room and said my mom claimed I had been drawing pictures of naked ladies. I confessed the truth. He said “Draw me one sometime!”. My mother fumed. Years afterwards I mourned the loss of the nudie pic.

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      • Heh, heh… at the age of 11, before I knew what’s what in re the topic at hand (no pun intended), the neighborhood boys found a stash of Playboy mags and after some “lively discussion” and a few bumps and bruises, I won my choice of which centerfold to keep.

        While looking at it the next day before school, I absent-mindedly left it on a table in the den, and of course, dear mater accosted me later that day and indignantly showed it to pater when he returned from work.

        He studied it in a most erudite manner and pontificated: “Well, the boy appears to be normal in THAT regard.”

        Nonplussed mom merely snatched it out of his hand and stormed off. Dad just shrugged and went off to his recliner and newspaper.

        Me, I felt like a condemned man upon hearing of the governor’s pardon.

        Good times… good times.

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      • on October 14, 2014 at 5:26 pm Carlos Danger

        I had a paper route from age 12 on and used to buy both Playboy and Penthouse every month at the local drug store. My mother tolerated it because she thought it was normal for a boy to be interested in naked girls and being German, she didn’t have the usual American hang ups about nudity. My Dad read them too. I turned out OK.

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      • on October 14, 2014 at 11:53 pm oldfashionedfellow

        It’s always funny to watch Europeans look at American behaviors and see something odd, rather than a watered down version of what they used to be. Memories seem to be short over there as well. (Same thing with the Brits mistaking their Victorian inventions for millennia old traditions, and sneering at the continuation of the old ways over here.)

        Your German family tolerated it when they did because Christianity was already on its last legs in 1914. The Great War destroyed it completely. While the following few decades witnessed the inertia of the old culture, which helped keep-up appearances on the surface, in truth the culture has been genuinely post-Christian for a century. All that’s left are buildings. Empty buildings.

        There was/is nothing uniquely puritanical about America (we weren’t all New Englanders), only that we still believed for longer than you. It died for us in the Sixties, and we’ve kept up appearances for the last half century. Now, increasingly, nobody gives a shit. Expect us to look more like you (at least in that capacity) in the near future.

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      • on October 15, 2014 at 1:43 am Pijama Wearing Ninja

        When I was in 6th grade, me and a classmate came to school with a bunch of Playboys and Hustlers and exchanged them. Some dumb broad must have ratted us out because my father was summoned. He ROFLed about it ever since, just like he laughed when I got a B in reading in 1st grade. Who the heck can’t read? lol.

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      • on October 15, 2014 at 1:45 am Pijama Wearing Ninja

        @oldfashioned, I’m Eastern European and I don’t know any parent(mine or of my friends) that have the American hangup about nudity. My mother is religious(she goes to church twice a week, fasts etc) and she doesn’t have it. You have to realize that quite a lot of the people that settled the US were the fruitcakes of Europe so it’s unsurprising if they have fruity beliefs or have a propensity towards fruity beliefs.

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      • All that is normal^^ ….beating it in the penalty box and all over the house, is some kind of social retard “autistic” behavior. It’s always some weirdo kid.. “Braylin is autistic and ADHD” and it’s ALWAYS a single mom. Sorry lady, your kid is just a nightmare and it’s all your fault.

        Kid here is prob looking at dude pics really. That group are the ones who are really THAT depraved in our society.

        Goin to town gloryholes by 16

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  8. There was a classic CH post from 2007 that first got me reading this site. It was linked by 2Blowhards, which is how I discovered it. It was called “Advice to my future children” and it had a priceless reference to a masturbatorium.

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  9. ” Those who are nonchalant about our coming…”–ba dum dum!

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  10. Single mommery is a function of religious faith. The form of the Virgin Mary being worshipped in secular ways is a red flaming arrow of Post-Christianity. The form not the function of the Old Faith transformed into the new.

    We live in the most religious time, where people’s lives are given meaning by a garbage mashup of Marxism (itself post-Christian, a utopia on earth, with heavy elements of Plato’s Republic), Socialism, Christianity, and fedual aristocratic international dynastic sensibility. Your nation no longer exists but your aristocrats do. Christianity fell to the Black Death, rising middle classes viewing it propping up old line aristos, and the bearded God-Killers (Marx, Darwin, Freud). Nationalism to WWI and WWII slaughter. Marxism/Socialism to Brezhnev’s failures and stagnation.

    The Colors of Benetton (including Single Mommery) is what’s left of Western Religion. The only thing that can save it is Japanese style cultural preservation.

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    • on October 14, 2014 at 12:36 pm Just Went Rogue

      Now this guy REALLY needs therapy! wakka wakka wakka

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    • Don’t forget Judaism/Talmudism in your garbage mashup.

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    • on October 14, 2014 at 3:43 pm Days of Broken Arrows

      This is actually pretty brilliant. If you haven’t done a blog post with this theme, do one.

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    • Is it by accident that you forgot Judeism or perhaps you acknowledge
      that most of religions that you mentioned are created by them?
      What about the Bible of masturbation entitled Portnoy’s complaint?
      Have you read it?
      Could you also enlighten us further by listing a few parallels between Plato’s republic and this sorry age of ours?
      Furthermore could you reveal the identities of “my” aristocrats
      or perhaps you meant plutocrats who serve those which name you find difficult to utter
      And finally could you give us some inklings on the latest initiatives from School of Athens
      http://www.unz.com/article/stopping-cyber-hate/

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    • on October 15, 2014 at 1:52 am Pijama Wearing Ninja

      The way I view things is that our competing ideologies are all products of Christianity, particularly of the Protestant Christian mindset. Both Marxism and liberal Americanism(or whatever you want to call the ideology of the US) stem from versions of Christianity that went through the Reformation and got secularized with the Enlightenment. And nationalism was discarded because the US imposed the multiracial society as the Western ideal after WW2 – an ideal imposed on the US by how the Civil War ended.

      @Days of Broken Arrows, the problem with writing a blog along this train of thought is that it requires people to be open minded and know some basic history, philosophy and maybe some comparative religion. You will get a lot of comments from people who simply live inside a bubble(there’s no difference between the SJW and the ruh,ruh, ‘merikuh right winger in terms of how out of touch they are).

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  11. “I lashed out at him when about this and things have been awkward around the house this weekend.”

    Well, duh. He’s probably mortified because she’s his MOTHER. Not that I’m an expert, but if she’s dead set against having the father talk to him, isn’t it better for her to just keep quiet on these matters and let him figure it out for himself?

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  12. on October 14, 2014 at 12:31 pm Days of Broken Arrows

    Funny you should publish this. I just came across an Instagram video of a single mother letting her 3-year-old son run around naked with his aunt. My feeling is this type of lack of restraint leads to sexual deviance years later. I’m tempted to post the link to that video.

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    • on October 14, 2014 at 2:13 pm haunted trilobite

      If you’re saying the aunt was naked that might be something worth taking note of, but if it was simply the case that the kid was running around with his winky out, that’s the most natural thing in the world. If anything it’s probably good for his confidence. Allowing the film to go viral isn’t ideal, but it’s what little boys do all around the world every single day.

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      • When I go to a friend’s house and her three-year-old son is running around naked in front of all the women I always tell him “You’re so lucky!”

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    • on October 15, 2014 at 1:59 am Pijama Wearing Ninja

      Yep, I’m such a deviant… I only watch interracial gangbang porn all day because I strutted about naked on the beach until later than three.

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  13. “YOFFE’s”

    What is this, VNN?

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  14. Speaking of single mommery, over in the Maryland governor’s race, the palace guard media is predictably making life harder for the Republican candidate for pointing out that the minimum wage is for kids, for new earners at their first jobs, not to prop up single moms.

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    • Fuckin eh. These “jobs americans dont want” are for high school kids. Not immigrants. Not 40 yr olds. NOT GODDAMN IMMIGRANTS

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  15. Women are just fuckin retarded. They learn nothing. They learn nothing about men and gain no deeper understanding of them from raising a boy. Theyre fuckin good for nothing but opening their holes and babysitting pre-teen children.

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  16. Ain’t that just like a woman to knock a boy’s hobby.

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  17. I agree that it would be difficult to do that while wearing hockey gear, so my BS meter is screaming right now. That said, if it’s true, Mom and Dad both need to take action and point out that what he’s doing could land him on Megan’s List and keep him out of gainful employment for life.

    Honestly, what is it about modern advice columnists that they cannot apparently figure out that there are reasons we proscribe nasty compulsive behaviors?

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  18. What’s a cuntrag?

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  19. At 14, chances are, the boy’s been at it for 5,6 years or so already. Mom’s a li’l slow on the pickup.
    I’m assuming this is a ‘problem’ because mommy doesn’t really like daddy very much at all and would like nothing better than for his spawn to be castrated, or better yet, non-existent.
    If the boy is actually able to masturbate while wearing hockey gear, he deserves a prize for ingenuity and flexibility. Not to mention the fact that he’s surrounded (very closely) by a bunch of people, including fellow players, who are likely to get kinda rowdy if they catch on to what he’s doing.

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  20. Fuck this gay earth? You don’t mean that CH. You love this place; you love live; you love the gladiator war of DNA replication. Antinatalism is the way to go if you really hate the world. but you don’t.

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  21. I think Prudie got punked by a Slap Shot fan.

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    • Winner. Good job bro. It was an obvious bs, but it’s still good to uncover these things. The sad thing is it’s getting easier to uncover their lies and bs because they simply don’t care and now don’t need to care about the actual truth.

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  22. The reality of marriage is that the in-laws are always instrumental. Back in the day, an extended family would prop up marriage and provide support. Not anymore. They are third in line behind divorce rape and welfare as a cause of divorce. Speak to any divorce attorney. Ex-Wifey’s mom and Dad always back her up 100%. They provide the divorce start-up capital and provide emotional back up.

    Why is this? The narcissistic grandparents cannot let go. They never let go of their co-dependent daughter and want her back (preferably to help change their diapers in 20 years). They don’t want her moving away. They don’t want her developing her own identity. Or, they bolt and run off to Florida (where they want your wife to move after she divorces you).

    Also, don’t trust your own parents. They can be just as complicit in destroying your marriage. They are bored and want their son back and resent your wife for taking you (albeit this is more rare!).

    You would think that grandparents would be happy to have grandkids. Nope! They are no longer the center of attention and lack control. So, they are really just subservient to the mother. They despise this position and resent the grandchildren children until they are old enough to provide narcissistic supply (and that is unlikely).

    People focus on husband/wife issues, but the problem is really the insidious scheming of an extended family structure that makes raising children in a two-parent structure untenable.

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    • You’re wrong about the in-laws feelings towards the grandkids…

      But you’re absolutely right that they’ll side with their precious snowflake, no matter how much in the wrong she may be.

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  23. Case against female custody…

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  24. The things my parents were better off knowing… Like why I used to shimmy up the clothes line pole again, and again, and again. I eventually figured out how to do it with my hand, and I was whacking off for years before I ever ejaculated for the first time.

    Not sure if this is normal or if getting molested sexualized me at an unusually young age. Either way, I’ve had a couple of orgasms in this life. Heh.

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  25. Better to yell at him for soiling your cuntrags.

    When I was this kid’s age, I was banging the female friends of my Mom and Dad. Any attractive older woman with a warm, moist, and willing space is much better than a rag any day of the week. That is what this kid needs – to start banging the other “single” Moms in the neighborhood. That would shut his Mom right up…

    Unfortunately, when I was his age single motherhood wasn’t as big as it is today – so all I had were married women, and the one who’s husband was in a mental home – hey she was mid-20s rather than 40s so a real treat. Anyway, this kid could be living like a king – till he got hit with “child support”…

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