Toilet Week Flushes On

You know how we guys are – when we get an idea in our heads we focus on it to the exclusion of all other thoughts, clinging like barnacles.  Girls don’t understand this tendency because they live in a world where conversations flit around from topic to topic like butterflies in a field of daisies.

So in keeping with the present obsession, here’s news that vindicates domesticated indentured servants married or cohabiting men everywhere:  it is actually more efficient to keep the toilet seat up.

In this paper, we show conclusively that the social norm of leaving the toilet seat down after use decreases welfare and by doing that we hope to convince the reader that social norms are not always welfare enhancing. Hence, there is a case for scientifically examining social norms and educating the masses about the fallacy of following social norms blindly.

What this paper is basically saying is that a cost-minimizing analysis of total number of toilet seat raisings and lowerings favors the man’s point of view since he uses the seat in both the down and up positions (#2 and #1) while the woman uses it only in the down position (unless she’s kinky).untitled.jpg  But of course the norm is what it is because the toilet seat issue, like so many other ridiculously petty issues magnified to the point of craziness by women, is really a litmus test of a man’s love for her.  A woman needs constant reassurance that her man cares for her and the simple act of asking if he cares just won’t do — he has to show it even if it means incurring a time and effort cost as shown in the study above.  And my time is valuable.  If I can save 1.2 seconds not lowering the toilet seat that is an extra 1.2 seconds I have to dedicate to more productive enterprises.

Waving this paper in the face of his nagging woman will get a man nowhere.  Logic is not how to appeal to the fairer sex.  I suggest framing the debate this way:

“Baby, I know you love me, but it would be amazing if we could… {pause. gaze longingly at her}… imagine a time six months from now…. looking back on this moment…. {stroke her cheek}… as the beginning of our future together… when we reached incredible new heights of love and passion… by sharing… one for the other… the ups and downs of our beautiful toilet seat… {caress her neck}… to bring total hapPENIS to our lives… it’s like feeling like we’re on a roller coaster at the top of the hill… waiting to go over… feeling that anticipation that starts in your toes and travels your whole body through your arms and just goes… all through you… {trace your finger down her chest}… and down… here… and here… till you go over and the rush of excitement radiates out of you like a cord… growing stronger and stronger… connecting to me…. connecting us…. can you just feel that, right there?”

If she’s not blowing you with tongue action that feels like an epileptic serpent and simultaneously lowering the toilet seat before you even finish the last words, then trade her in for a chick who’s blood doesn’t run with liquid nitrogen.





Comments


  1. on June 5, 2007 at 10:57 pm All girls in DC

    Can you post a picture of yourself so we can be sure to avoid you at all times?

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  2. I’m speachless…

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  3. LOL! Nice try. Seriously:

    man taking 1.2 seconds to put the lid down

    vs.

    sleepy woman’s butt falling into the toilet at night

    Which event is more inconvenient for the person in question? Which one takes more time to set to rights? The “solution” of having the woman fumble around in the dark to accommodate a man’s oblivion is not rational. SHE’S HALF ASLEEP!

    Someone needs to do a time-motion study on this.

    (Um, not?)

    Sigh. Most men’s butts are too big to fall into a toilet. A shame, that.

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  4. Ok, I can ignore the entire toilet issue bc it is so ridiculous to the point that I wonder what you do with your time if this is yet another thing to bitch about women…good lord man…get a GRIP (oh and find a normal girl–who ARE these monsters you are dating).

    What bothers me is the “flit from one conversation to another blah blah” thing you said.

    Um, again are you haning out with vapid, social retards or what?

    Most men (not all) I have come across want to discuss sports, sex and fugly girls with hot bodies being in MAXIM.

    My girl friends on the other hand discuss poverty and fear and making the world a better place and love and support and REAL WORLD THINGS.

    Meet some normal women and then start with your generalizations.

    Oh and that means dating girls–gasp–over 18.

    Gd you drive me fucking crazy.

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  5. Hahah Kassy!

    If a man will not (repeatedly) lower the toilet seat, then believe you men… will enact revenge. When he informs me that he needs to go #2, I will say Oh honey, I need to pee real quick. Then I will pee all over that seat . He will either notice and have to wipe it off, or he will sit in it. Either way, I win.

    Watch out.

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  6. I don’t share my bathroom with anyone and I put it down , hell I even close the lid most of the time. Never really thought about it and I’m far from a neat freak.

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  7. Sorry I did come off harsh…but cmon now Roissy. You cannot hate women THIS much can you?

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  8. I think Roissy should be added to the list of HH hosts. Something for everyone…

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  9. kassyk: “You cannot hate women THIS much can you?”

    false premise.
    how could i possibly hate that which has brought me so much happiness?
    but if it prevents a crippling burst of cognitive dissonance that such a man as myself could think the things i do yet still love and adore women to the depth of my soul, then by all means carry on in your beliefs.

    “sleepy woman’s butt falling into the toilet at night”

    ah, hed, light of my life, joy of my heart, we meet again, impassioned haters, wrestling as one.
    to your point, once the woman has become accustomed to doing her part to lift up the toilet seat after use she will no longer assume it is in the down position when she stumbles into the bathroom at night. after all, men have had to get used to stumbling around in a dark bathroom lifting the toilet seat. all’s fair in love and crapping.

    honestly, i’m surprised how hot-button this issue is with women. irina’s seat-pissing passive-aggressiveness hints at what a stealth litmus test this is for men to pass. the truth is, in all my relationships i don’t think the toilet seat has come up as a topic of conversation even once, except maybe as fodder for a joke.

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  10. Aw Roissy, how can I continue to get mad after that? You suave mo’fo. 🙂

    Also, I have never had the toilet seat be an issue in my relationships either.

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  11. Me neither. Mostly because once I saw their homes/aparments (specifically their bathrooms) I didn’t get into relationships with them! 😉 In my experience, seat leaver-uppers aren’t terribly tidy or clean about much of anything.

    The guy presently curling my toes leaves the seat down, even at his house and he lives alone!

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  12. Question. Have you ever cleaned a toilet? Do you know what lurks under the toilet seat? Let’s be descriptive and nasty here: Men not only pee on the bowl under the seat but hairs fall off, dust gathers, und so weiter. Sleepy, absentminded women go to the toilet at night not only fall in the toilet bowl but we also sit on that nasty mess. Understand now?

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  13. I know a guy that used to………sit down to pee on the bowl, because his female roomates complained of a dirty bowl. Luckily I taught this young man some self respect, and it hasn’t happened again, I hope

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  14. Ladies–since when did checking to see if a toilet seat is down become so hard? I check to make sure its up every time I pee so that I don’t pee on the seat (I can even do this in the dark at night!), so why is it so hard for you to check to see if its down?
    I normally leave the top cover down also since I think staring at a toilet bowl is kind of gross so I guess its not really an issue for me, but I have just never understood why this is such a big deal for women. Men go through their lives moving toilet seats up and down depending on what we need to do, so I have little sympathy for women complaining about occasionally having to put a seat down.

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  15. on June 8, 2007 at 12:43 pm Smoothvirus

    And the Ross Jeffries award for “Most Gratuitous Use of the Discovery Channel Pattern” goes to…

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  16. heh.
    even toilet seats can be NLP’ed.

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  17. As a follow-up on this theme, I want to share an experience I just had in our co-ed restroom here at work. (I will preface this story by telling you that I don’t ever really object to finding the toilet seat up– the inevitably piss-and-pube-spattered rim of any public bowl grosses me out, but it isn’t a huge inconvenience to cover again.) Consider this rant in lieu of an anonymous email to someone towards whom I probably need to maintain my professional politeness.

    So I approached the bathroom today just as my male co-worker was leaving it. Upon entering the WC, my first observation was that there were some little brown skid marks left in the bottom of the bowl– forgivable; the guy can’t be expected to control the viscosity of his stools. But when I pulled up my skirt to actually sit down, I recoiled at something that, in all my worldly resilience, actually struck me as disgusting: MAJOR ASS HAIR. Since the poo trail was reasonable evidence that my colleague had actually been sitting on the pot (rather than standing above it), I could only assume that the double-digit hair count now littering the pristine whiteness of the toilet seat had come from his backside and not from his balls. While I understand the difficulty of preventing the occasional curly black hair from falling out of one’s skin and onto the toilet seat/bathroom floor, I am at a loss as to how one single act of defecation can result in the mass-shedding of at least 25 gluteal follicles. It’s not like the seat was covered in Scotch tape, for Christ’s sake! But(t) whether or not you are able to prevent your ass-mane from transfering a large swath of itself onto every surface your bare skin touches, PLEASE, for the sake of all that is holy, take a minute after flushing to dust away your refuse– if only so that the next bathroom user can piss without worrying about her own peachy little bottom getting covered in all your He-Man gorilla-fuzz.

    Okay, that is all. Back to work.

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  18. co-ed bathrooms really put me in the mood.
    that story was sick, twisted, replusive, and entertainingly grotesque enough to make me wonder if you are a guy posing as a woman.

    ass/leg hair on the toilet seat is gross. some really hairy guys have trained themselves, like porcupines, to forcibly jettison their body hair at foes.

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  19. Wow, my sense of humor actually grossed you out? That’s the best compliment ever.

    I’m not a dude, btw, I just spend enough time hanging around guys that I sometimes can’t help thinking like one (only when it comes to sexual perversion and/or bodily functions, though– otherwise I’m a straight-up lady).

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  20. When in a private residence I sit when I piss. Why not, it’s more relaxing. I don’t have to constantly prove my own masculinity to myself. If I could take a leak lying down I would.

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  21. on November 12, 2010 at 12:43 pm rebelliousvanilla

    The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker, how about if he pees on the seat because it’s down and he’s half asleep? 😉

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