Overcoming A Bad First Impression

You meet a girl. She’s pretty, so you feel yourself tightening up, and your brain revving hot. You speak, trying hard to say something witty. Big mistake. You say something awkwardly tone deaf that pulls everyone nearby out of the conversational flow. You cringe inwardly and are sure it’s noticeable outwardly. This makes it worse. Anything you say now will be even stupider and more charmless, pinched through the contracting voicebox of your amygdala.

You’ve made a bad first impression. For most men (read: beta males), this would mean the hopeful romance was deep-sixed. It’s hard to change a woman’s first impression, and just as hard to change your reflexive withdrawal when you become aware you’ve messed up.

But, it’s not impossible. Bad first impressions can be overcome. The technique itself is easy, even if the mental hurdle to accept the technique into your life is high.

A reader pleads,

Love your posts. In the near future, can you please address how to overcome the initial first impression which was bad? Most of what you says makes sense but stigma of previous reputation of nerd/geek/loser,etc. can negate any learned experience. This post can be of tremendous value because it’s not always convenient to change venues.
Thanks.
Mr.B

Recovering from a bad first impression is a two-step process:

1. Ignore it
2. Plow

To give an example of what I mean, think of a natural you know from your life. The “What Would A Natural Do?” rule applies here.

Naturals aren’t always on; sometimes they too say stupid or incongruous things. We can’t all be Chateau lords. If you know or have known some naturals, and spent a decent amount of time in their company, you’ll recall a few missteps they made. And you’ll recall how they responded. Often, from what I see, the natural recovers from a self-inflicted social miscue with a potent dose of nonchalance.

Basically, act like nothing you said or did went afoul of social etiquette. Remember: OVERCONFIDENCE IS KING in the realm of quivering vaginas. What does an entitled, narcissistic, self-regarding, overconfident, jerkboy natural beloved by women everywhere do when he bumbles? I’m sorry, do you think he notices or cares when he bumbles? He doesn’t. Or, if he notices his faux pas, he acts like he doesn’t notice it. He registers no perceptible shame, no clumsy self-acknowledgement, no reddening cheeks, no stiff retreat from the social matrix. He just plows ahead to bless the world with his next gilded thought.

And girls respond universally to that kind of quasi-sociopathic practiced unconcern with one’s perceived impression: Curiosity greased by their mental Bartholin’s glands.

This isn’t the only way to overcome a bad first impression, but it is the preferred method of 4 out of 5 naturals. Mild self-referential humor is another effective tactic. Making light of one’s own social mistake, if pulled off with a competent mien of amused detachment, will release the awkward tension and allow those present to laugh along with you, which is a powerful “social leader” DHV.

“Yup, I just said something nerdy. If you can’t handle it, the cooler guys are over there.” [point to a nerd herd]

Disqualification plus savvy acknowledgement of social realities is chicknip.





Comments


  1. […] Overcoming A Bad First Impression […]

    Like


  2. Leaving a bad impression–or, in some cases, a dick-ish impression–is much better than leaving no impression at all.

    Better initially to come across as a brash, cocky, racist, sexist, drunken asshole than to not even register with her in the first place.

    I’m sorry, do you think he notices or cares when he bumbles? He doesn’t.

    This is key. For those raised in affluent environments where good manners were enforced, this might be a slight challenge at first.

    Like


    • on September 18, 2014 at 2:22 pm Alex Jones SuperFan

      Racist = lotsa tingles 4 her. Supreme alpha males don’t give a fuck about being politically correct. Here’s how you make a good first impression:

      Like


    • I’m a racist and jew-wise in real life. First time I met one of my wife’s new friends I brought up the JQ, because how can you not? Why would you not?

      New friend says, “Uh, I’m part Jewish, on my mom’s side”. I squint at her a bit, then tell her she doesn’t look Jewish, so she’s okay unless she starts Jewing us.

      Like


  3. I hate it how every natural I know is at first perceived (and described) as an asshole by every chick that eventually does anything he wants her to do.

    Almost like making a bad first impression is mandatory, as long as it isn’t that of a sniveling insecure feminized man.

    Like


    • I hated it too, because social conditioning was so pounded into me by an overbearing single mother to be that “nice guy”, that I was actually terrified of bad manners or making a social faux paux. It really does make you a social cripple. It was less stressful to just be invisible than to risk offending someone. And I was… Invisible.

      It takes work, but holy hell, getting over that nightmare was the most significant development in my life so far. Now I love being called an asshole and wear it as a badge of honor. My LTR calls me an asshole all the time. A woman who I really don’t like (and whose name I intentionally mispronounce every time I see her) sent me a private Facebook message awhile back telling me what an asshole I was, how I walk around like I own the place, how I think I’m so great, but I’m really just a prick, etc. My reply… “Yep”

      It really clicked for me about 9 months ago when I was with my LTR as she was shopping and trying on clothes and while getting ready to try on something she held out her coat for me to take it… Not even looking at me, but discussing something with the salesperson. I just stood there looking at her, and when she looked at me I said casually with a smirk, “What do I look like, your house bitch? You’ve got 2 working legs, hang up your coat yourself.” I thought the saleswoman was going to piss herself and LTR was fucking furious… Fucked her twice that night.

      Now I walk around like “I own the place” (swagger), everywhere I go or as CH once said “walk like your cock is pulling you down the street.” Men instictively get out of my way and women make google eyes at me.

      You really do have to fake it until you make it and take a leap of faith that it actually works, but eventually it does become second nature.

      Liked by 1 person


      • on September 18, 2014 at 4:24 pm having a bad day

        @thoroughbred

        “My LTR calls me an asshole all the time.”

        have you been able to hear the possessive pride in her voice when she does this, especially when ‘complaining’ to her friends?… it took me awhile to hear this, but it’s there…it’s all sub-communication…if you can hear this, it’s almost like she’s bragging to her friends…and they know it…lol…

        “…sent me a private Facebook message awhile back telling me what an asshole I was, how I walk around like I own the place, how I think I’m so great, but I’m really just a prick, etc. ” = IOI…lol…

        Like


      • Walk like they’re the Red Sea and you’re Moses, and they will part. I figured that out in high school, and never got bullied again.

        Girls respond to this attitude too. It’s just that I haven’t succeeded in capitalizing on that fact yet.

        I will one day.

        Like


      • > “an overbearing… mother” Mom Game is a MASSIVE topic which we never talk about [maybe because the emotions are too intense and of course there’s all that Oedipal shit lurking in the background] but the principles of Mom Game are the same as with Whore Game, just ASEXUAL: Stand tall, endure the shitstorm, don’t back down. Your Mom is constantly probing you for warning signs of Beta supplication and for reassurances of Alpha supremacy. So Man Up and reassure her. Just don’t be rude or a smart aleck with your Mom.

        Like


      • my Brazilian calls me “my metido” all the time which I think must be Portuguese for asshole or something. I have to learn to take this shit as a compliment.

        Like


    • on September 18, 2014 at 5:03 pm having a bad day

      @adamn

      that ‘bad first impression’ that you see is likely the immediate result of the natural passing a shit test or it’s a shit test in progress…so, yes, it almost is mandatory…lol…

      Like


    • Super insightful… And yes, I do hear her tell her girlfriends she thinks I’m an asshole. Funny thing is, it used to piss me off. Not now. Now I can see the twinkle in her eye.

      Two other quick anecdotes I’ll post here:

      I remember overhearing a group discussion with friends she was having about cheating LTR’s/spouses a couple years ago when I was still way beta, and she told her girlfriends “If he’s cheating, I just don’t want to know.”

      I was unpleasantly shocked at the time that she didn’t really even care. Now I see it in a completely new light. She was actually conveying (subtly) that she secretly hoped I would cheat on her, or at least that I was capable of it. In other words, she was humble bragging to her friends that she had a high value boyfriend who other women wanted to fuck. (Learned that pearl of wisdom here by the way.)

      Then, a few months later was sitting at a bar with one of her good friends who’s married and we’re discussing how he travels abroad often and she’s certain that he’s fucking other women. I ask her whether that bothers her, and I’ll never forget her reply… She looks at me, beaming with pride and replies “No, because he’s mine and he always comes home to me.”

      It was like the heavens themselves cracked open and rained down real life confirmation of all my book learning. That’s when I finally understood.

      Like


      • I used to travel all the time for business… 10 years into my marriage. Got very beta by that time. My wife was always acting suspicious and jealous when I was on the road, assuming I was cheating. And following the blue pill wisdom I would go out of my way to assure her I was really sitting in my hotel room watching TV, and was angry that she would suspect I would be doing this (though I had lot’s of opportunities). Took me a while to figure out she REALLY wanted to be suspicious and to be jealous. Had nothing to do with me, had everything to do with satisfying her hypergamy. LOL

        Now I make a point to go out when I travel, have a good time, send her pics from bars, etc. Yeah she may throw a loyalty test once in a while, but her lizard brain loves it. I get far fewer shit tests as well…

        So good on ya for figuring this shit out early. Most women have this belief I suspect, it’s just the social conditioning and their friends judgment that fuck with them.

        Like


      • I was once told by perhaps the best looking woman I ever smashed that if I cheated on her it’d damn well better be with a better looking woman then her, otherwise she’d be really upset.

        Lol.

        Like


  4. “What does an entitled, narcissistic, self-regarding, overconfident, jerkboy natural beloved by women everywhere do when he bumbles? I’m sorry, do you think he notices or cares when he bumbles? He doesn’t. Or, if he notices his faux pas, he acts like he doesn’t notice it. He registers no perceptible shame …”

    Ever heard of an English politician called Boris Johnson ?

    Like


  5. > “Remember: OVERCONFIDENCE IS KING” This is where ‘Fake it til you make it’ is something which you’ll have to live with for damned near the entire remainder of your life – when your glands are squirting out all those hormones to make your face turn red and your neurological system is firing up the voltage pulses trying to force every muscle in your face to twitch but you have to FAKE a great big shit-eating grin. This is difficult even for sociopaths and hyper-narcissists like Blythe-Clinton and Soebarkah-Dunham-Love.

    Like


    • We leave it as an exercise for the Darwinian Nihilists to explain why Mother Nature wired our glands and our neurons/axons to betray us like this in our moment of greatest vulnerability. But a Biological Calvinist could argue that physical manifestations of Embarrassment allow us to distinguish between Truly Human Humans and Anti-Human Sociopaths.

      Like


    • I have never liked the “fake it til you make it” saying. I’m pretty certain that teaching wouldn’t remain unless it rhymed in English. For most guys it only works until they have run into several injections in a row as they try cold opens, an then they’ll say it’s all bull and they won’t listen anymore.

      I would say instead that a guy needs to anchor his confidence in real accomplishments. It doesn’t have to be accomplishments in approaching. It can be sports or weight-lifting, or craftsmanship: something you keep in mind that proves your worth. Preferably it should be something that is somewhat related to your efforts in pick-up, like working out or improving your diet by going paleo. “If I can do this over and over again no matter what, then I can do cold opens.”

      I understand those you see in forums who kick-start their efforts by going no-masturbation for as long as it takes to get laid. I wouldn’t do it, but I understand the thought: you have no choice but to get out there if you want sexual gratification.

      Liked by 1 person


      • I prefer; Keep Trying Until You Make it and keep adding value to yourself until you make it.
        It takes time, effort and experience to be able to calibrate and become effortlessly congruent.

        Like


      • YES. REAL men are real.

        Do real things. Become a badass. You won’t have to fake confidence once you can kick everyone’s ass in the room or you are inherently cooler based on who you are and what you do than all of them.

        All this game crap is well and good, like toastmasters, it can improve your social function. But don’t mimic alphas, BECOME alphas.

        First place you can start is stop kissing ass to black people in order to win approval or not be called wayciss. It will bleed over into the rest of your life. Nobody, especially women, like suckups

        Like


      • FITYMI need not be a pejorative term. To me it more accurately describes the phase you enter when you are conscious of your actions and responses. There are two dialogues going on, one in your head feeding you a “game” tape and then your outward dialogue you are presenting to the world. This feels fake, even though the world can’t tell it’s fake. I recall the first time a ran a complete set through, with every action accompanied by the game reel in my head…. Shit test approaching in 3 -2- 1 deploy amused mastery. Confirm shit test destroyed… elevate smile 4 degrees on the starboard side, commence smirk sequence.

        After much practice it goes away. It may never be real, nor does it really need to be for success, but you will stop thinking about it.

        Like


      • Men interested in NLP should be reading Bandler and Grinder’s early work, not whatsisfuck Jeffries, or Mystery, or Jewy McJew.

        Don’t “fake it ’til you make it”, learn how to model what you want, then become it.

        Like


  6. Plow on: in high pressure professional sales situations a guy can muff the first 15 seconds, especially if he doesn’t know the person on the other side of the phone. I cold-called one of the largest private companies in the world, hoping to get an appointment to sell a $10mm satellite system. I mispronounced the telecoms exec’s name, the call was falling apart in the first 15 seconds, I could practically hear him reaching for the disconnect button. But we play like we practice: I plowed on and hit my stride and saved the call. 18 months later we closed on that deal, and I was friends with the guy who almost flushed me.

    Like


  7. It’s all about maintaining the frame.

    Along the same lines, girl I’m seeing was over last night. I fucked her good and left her quivering with orgasms. In the afterglow…

    Me: (in a quiet voice) you’re a good little bitch
    Her: (indignant) did you just call me a good little bitch?
    Me: (slowly) yes… i did
    Her: (starts laughing loudly)
    Me: (clutching her neck) you ARE a good little bitch
    Her: (laughing stops) only in your bed. not out in the real world

    She was prepared to laugh and ridicule me for what I said but I held my frame and she fell right back into it.

    Confidence is king. Even when you say or do something stupid or silly, play it off like it was exactly what you wanted to do.

    Like


  8. you guys got any tips on how to get unstifled in the mornings?? its mostly for my job in sales…when i wake up im a complete beta and seem to get more alpha as the day goes on. would be nice to be able to reach that point before i go to work

    Like


    • on September 18, 2014 at 5:07 pm Hair Slicked Back With Swag So Fresh

      Steak and eggs for breakfast.

      Like


    • I do. Like Hair said, high-protein, high-fat breakfast. Also, walk around your neighborhood and say hey to the ladies out jogging or walking their dogs. Maybe play some basketball before you shower.

      Like


  9. Frame control & plow:

    Like


    • rsd get a bad rap from alot of the pua community for being cult like and for apparently having shady marketing techniques

      iv been watching their vids for the past few months and have got some great value out of them and they are all free…great stuff on getting in the right mindframe for game and being natural on your nites out (best principle i learned was getting into state for nites out, before this on some nites id be sorta stuck in my head and i wouldnt know why i was killing it last nite and tonight i cant bring myself to approach…id say good state is at least 50% of game)

      dunno why anyone would pay out 2k for a bootcamp tho…thats pretty stupid

      Like


    • If you have to “make them believe” that you are awesome, then you probably aren’t. Go out and do awesome things, become awesome, and that will get noticed fast. Cheap psychological tricks will never take the place of actual confidence that comes from being truly awesome.

      Learn how to build a fire from scratch, how to cook like Bobby Flay, how to fix a motorcycle, how to fly an airplane, how to keep a quarter size five shot group on the X at 100 yards using only irons, how to rock climb, how to make fantastic sales, anything, just go out and do it and accrue the confidence. The more you do to improve YOUR VALUE as a badass, the more confidence you will have in all areas of life, the more you will get noticed and the less you will care about needing social approval from others to feel awesome. That’s hundred proof chick catnip right there.

      I couldn’t watch the video, if he said that then disregard my post.

      Agree with the article, who gives a fuck if you stutter or say something awkward, smile, laugh like the joke is on your audience, shrug it off and drive on. It’s the only way.

      Like


      • it’s not an either-or proposition. learning the sexy way to speak to women and enriching your life on your own time are mutually reinforcing pursuits.

        Like


      • I say this in all honesty, but it is still hard to wrap my mind around the idea that speaking to women is so difficult for so many men. I know it at an intellectual level, but at the gut level it just doesn’t compute. It’s always been my experience that doing badass things just naturally made me have a bigger chest and more flow of testosterone when in social settings, which leads to confidence bordering on arrogance which leads to being fearless and socially outgoing, which leads to sweet sweet poon. And women, damn, what’s to be scared of? But , yeah, I see what you’re saying, it was just the video title that struck me odd.

        Like


      • you know what else leads to more confidence and flow of testosterone? seducing a lot of women into bed.

        Like


      • My newest 30-06 doesn’t have irons. I don’t think many newer large calibers do. Maybe I can make sub moa at 100 yds with no sights. Haven’t tried yet. Anyway, it still seems most men aren’t even trying to improve. Soul-sucking jobs can do that to men.

        Like


      • Yeah, unfortunately lots of bolt actions are scope profiled out of the factory door these days. I noticed that on some recent Model 700’s. I don’t dislike scope, I just find training with irons to be more conducive to building great shooting habits and form. Scopes are the Easy Button.

        Like


      • on September 19, 2014 at 5:31 pm having a bad day

        @burninator

        “I say this in all honesty, but it is still hard to wrap my mind around the idea that speaking to women is so difficult for so many men. I know it at an intellectual level, but at the gut level it just doesn’t compute.”

        that’s just bc you escaped being beaten into submission by the feminine imperative social shaming mechanisms…most guys don’t escape that and have to rewiring their brain to overcome ALL that once they find the red pill…it’s tough…and even though a guy can get support on here (and the related sites…) when you’re out in the world…it’s pretty lonely bucking social conventions…

        Like


  10. I remember trying direct for the first time some years ago trying to get used to high intensity pickup I saw a couple of girls, we locked eyes and they were pulling their hair… so I guessed it was an “easy prey” and told them they were sexy and shit. Then they laughed at my face. Out of sheer surprise I told them “I know it excites you and you don’t get it a lot, but I actually do think you’re sexy”. I number closed them in the end, but that was the last time I was this direct.

    Like


  11. Lately I’ve been approaching girls more directly. The “bad first impression” is usually the result of my own miscalibration…over-gaming, the girl not being used to my level of confidence or sparking attraction which then results in shit-tests.

    I’ve found the best way to reverse a girl’s bad first impression is to hold my frame and usually say something like “wow…so serious…”

    This is usually enough to reframe it.

    But confidence is key in this.

    Also, I’ve begun to realize that much of what I do cannot “change” a girl’s view of me. At any given moment a girl’s emotions may be all over the place so if you neg and she goes mental then it may not have anything to do with you. She could have 101 different reasons for over-reacting to your teasing.

    Calibration is always key. ALWAYS dropping a neg may not necessarily be the key to sparking attraction. I’ve found slipping a neg in later as we get comfortable sometimes works better.

    But this is only the result of practice and exposure to more and different types of women.

    Like


  12. This all comes down to the old rule: Never apologize. Never explain.

    Women pretend they want you to apologize for something you said or did, but they don’t.

    Like


    • > “Never apologize. Never explain.” This comes much easier to Blythe-Clinton and Soebarkah-Dunham-Love. Word “sorry” not even in their vocabularies. Concept of “sorry” not even in their psyches.

      Like


  13. A lot of times girls just arent used to someone directly approaching them and the shields go up. Lightening things up is a good approach, although sometimes its hard to think of something funny to say when your in that awkward part of a convo where she is starting to get bitchy/defensive.

    Something I struggle with is giving off that chilll vibe as opposed to obviously trying to railroad them into getting them to leave with you or arranging a meetup later. I think convincing them “this dude is chill, interesting, attractive, I want to see him again” is the hardest part. Basically building that value during a short interaction.

    Like


  14. This all fine and dandy in a setting where words (albeit not impressions) are forgotten almost as soon as they’re spoken. What if the interaction is in writing and your mishap is glaring at you in the last message sent to which she never responded? Seems a bit strange to not acknowledge the blunder? David D. recommended going on the offensive and saying “so what? you can’t take a joke??”. Don’t know if one can do better than that.

    Like


  15. “Mild self-referential humor is another effective tactic, making light of one’s own social mistake”

    This is how I handle it. If I say something goofy, I acknowledge it first by saying something like “And I know you really wanted to know that.”

    Like


  16. on September 19, 2014 at 6:10 pm having a bad day

    i’ve been thinking about this and it might be good to have a tech in your pocket to go to when this happens. naturals don’t really need a go-to plan…being naturals…lol…but reforming betas WILL…lol…

    here’s one approach…it’s just 3 steps…

    you make your [social mistake] doesn’t matter what it is (and if/when you are transitioning to hotter girls it WILL happen…lol…just plan on it and have a plan…

    1) you just call it out “well, that was awkward…” (no apology…just state the fact in a matter-of-fact way) then YOU need to take action to redirect and reframe (so YOU are in control of your recovery = shows social savviness = alpha cred)…

    sooo, you 2) initiate a compliance test to your target (the hot girl that got under your alpha armor…lol) “hey, hand me that [salt shaker/napkin/sugar packet/(whatever small and disposable item is within her reach)]” then when she complies and hands it to you, you then do something completely random with it [‘salt’ your shoe/tear the napkin in half and set it by your drink/carefully sprinkle sugar on the floor/(whatever)]…this will reset your interaction with her and completely erase your social mistake…lol…plus it increases ambiguity…lol…

    when she asks you what/why you did that, you…

    3) tell her “i’ll tell you later…” (like it’s an insider thing and not for public consumption…) then change the subject to a topic you have ‘in your pocket’ that you can talk about…that gets you through and out of your embarrassment…

    [development notes – at first i thought about saying ‘did what? no, i didn’t…’ when asked about the behavior and just deny that it happened, but that seemed butt hurt/kind of stupid and it didn’t lead anywhere…, so it needed to change to further the seduction…so, i came up with ‘i’ll tell you later…’ = ‘assumes the sale’ since you expect to be alone with her ‘later’ so she can ask you about it…AND it puts you on an ‘insider’ basis with your target (i.e. who gets the ‘i’ll tell you later…’ dismissal? answer = an LTR/wife, or a super close buddy, right?…) if/when she asks later (and by then you should have her isolated and be escalating…lol), just shrug and say ‘it’s just something i learned in [high school/college/ the army/etc]…like it’s no big deal and no big secret…lol…

    having a plan should increase your confidence when going into new approaches on hotter girls, since you have just eliminated one big fear…

    good luck!

    Like


  17. alpha recovery when a chick gets bitchy in response to your jibes and tries to turn the social mood against you: continue to chortle heartily, literally right in the face of her outraged posture. if she says ‘stop laughing !’, whatever you do, don’t. when she starts laughing too, you have successfully socially ju jutsu’d your way out of having to backpedal/apologise/grovel/lose status.

    Like