F You Jewelry

When we were teenagers I remember my brother coming home from dental surgery with a plastic container holding his four extracted wisdom teeth, blood and bits of flesh still clinging to the roots.  I thought it was so cool.  So did he, if his proud grin was any indication.

I’m having a wisdom tooth pulled tomorrow.  I would like to keep the tooth and make intimidating jewelry out of it.  Bone jewelry sends men running in a panic and women twirling their hair with arousal.  I could tell people that it’s my own tooth I wear as a talisman imparting me with wisdom, or I could say it’s a souvenir I pulled from the jaw of my vanquished enemy, similar to this guy:boneman2.jpg
a warrior knows how to accessorize.

Some ideas I have are the tooth ring:

lotrring2.jpg

and the tooth necklace:

toothnecklace2.jpg

A man moving through the world without apology should adorn himself with powerful symbols of virility.  If I engender a hint of disgust and fear in women who see me wearing teeth jewelry, I’ll know I’m projecting the right image.  Running tight game is a breeze when people think you’re a warlord.





Comments


  1. About the only thing that would be more effective in chasing women away from you would be wearing a Star Trek costume.

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  2. enter percocets…

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  3. I almost threw up

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  4. The occasional bench press is clearly starting to go to his head.

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  5. *promptly had a near-death experience from a fit of cough-laughing*

    At least Star Trek costumes aren’t organic…

    I hope.

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  6. Seriously. Use the the little squirter thingy they give you to rinse your hole out with. You can thank me later.

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  7. I’m sure the whole post was tongue-in-cheek (or tooth-in-gum), but the idea of wearing your own bodypart as a reminder of a particular experience isn’t so strange even in today’s day and age. I’ve met some military guys who wear necklaces or have keychains with a bullet some surgeon removed from their vital organs.

    A more mundane practice is surfers wearing shark tooth necklaces. No, the teeth weren’t theirs (and they either found the tooth on the beach or bought the necklace), but the concept of wearing a shark’s tooth to emphasize one’s virility has been around for thousands of years. I doubt any of you would give a guy wearing a shark tooth necklace a second glance.

    The key to any piece of jewelry, particularly jewelry worn while attempting to pick up women, is to have a great story attached to it.

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  8. haha ok so i’m glad i’m not the only srsly strange person. i have enormous wisdom teeth (laying on their side they’re about 2 inches long and 1 inch tall) and i’m just waiting for them to start moving around and creating so much pain that i have to get them removed.
    when/ if that happens i’ve always thought that i wanted to make a necklace out of them. i dunno, though. your “one ring” seems like a good idea.

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  9. gatsby – “is to have a great story attached to it.” excellent point. women are constantly asking me if my rings have any meaning.

    gen – i saw the x-rays. this tooth is a monster. big enough to make women melt. 😉

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  10. on July 15, 2007 at 4:05 pm Gunslingergregi

    That would be some good game on one of the Indonesian Islands where they still practice Cannibalism every once in a while. Like yea baby I ate Bob but you know I respect him so I kept the tooth.

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