A laudable goal of the regular BOTM feature at CH is to make the readers as excruciatingly uncomfortable as possible, so that they never make the same mistakes the dishonored betas of the month make.
I think this edition will have you peeking through fingers in horror.
BOTM Candidate #1 is Hugboy, a psychologically castrated beta male orbiter with a superhuman ability to withstand blue balls, who decided on a lark, along with his “best friend” and hug accomplice Amanda (the two of them weirdly share a very similar surname), to try and break the world record for longest hug.
Nerem said she and Norem held onto one another outside ISU’s library starting at 6 p.m. on Sept. 18 until 1 a.m. on Sept. 20. — a total of 31 hours.
That’s a 31 hour erection he sustained.
“We had to have both arms locked around one another and we had to be standing the whole time,” Nerem said. “We were not allowed to sleep and it had to be in a public place where people would be walking around being witnesses.”
There’s nothing quite as exhilarating as publicly demonstrating one’s commitment to the asexual friendzone like pressing flesh for 31 hours and having to think of baseball stats the whole time.
Nerem and Norem were allowed five-minute
masturbationbathroom breaks every hour
His bathroom breaks probably broke the world record for consecutive jizzings in a single day. Her bathroom breaks were just massive releases of fart gas.
“I don’t know a lot of people who can hold onto someone for so long without getting sick of it,” Alex Norem said. “I think the whole experience brought us a lot closer…
The triumph of hope over experience. No doubt this harmless house pet fervently imagines that all the hugging will somehow magically transform, through the process of subcutaneous lust osmosis, his “best friend” into a lover.
“…it was such a positive experience for both of us. In your four years of college you want to do things that you’ll remember for the rest of your life and for her and I, this was perfect for that.”
I bet he’ll remember this for the rest of his life. *retrieves memory bank and reaches for Costco jar of mayo*
Nerem said she and Norem are in the process of sending evidence of their hug to Guinness for evaluation.
His spackled jeans.
BOTM Candidate #2 is JohnnyTampon, an older man (who should know better) who ticks off just about every box on the self-abnegating beta male checklist. Here he is with his BFF announcing to the world his status as house eunuch to a single mom.
There isn’t a moment in this “clear the air” video when Ash isn’t publicly humiliating JohnnyTampon, even if her soulshivs are unintentional swipes. For example:
JT: “It was love at first sight.”
Ash: “We don’t always see things the same way.” *patronizing smile*
JT: “but we are not lovers”
Ash: “NOPE” *vigorously and unequivocally shakes head*
At some point in their twisted unnatural relationship, Ash gets pregnant (probably by some sexy jerkboy) and, surprise!, joins the single mommery ranks. Anyhow, JohnnyTampon makes a vow. Grab your barf bag…
JT: “To help her raise a happy healthy child.”
Ash, of course, is a woman, which means she obeys the God of Biomechanics just like any woman in her position, and that ol’ trusted hindbrain standby — beta bux — asserts itself in her moment of single mom crisis.
Ash: “That’s what best friends do!”, she exclaimed with a little too much insistence.
No, Ash, that’s not what “best friends” do; that’s what cowardly, groveling, supplicating, self-doubting, sycophantic beta plushboys with no better options and a high speed porn connection do.
Ash: “This is my son Ahijah”
JT: “I am not his father”
A new twist on the Darth Vader theme.
JT then explains that he has a 32-year-old adopted daughter, and he invited Ashley the single mom leech to live in his home where he raised his daughter so that he could… what, exactly? Mope around the house with a permanent chubby while Ash flaunted her Khazar milkers in his betaboy loser face?
JT&Ash: “We are a family… of friends!”
There it is. The epitaph of America.
JT: “and ahijah will always be in my life”
Ash: “We are a package deal ”
…she triumphantly crowed. And, oh, ahijah really loves johnny too, ash swears, (because she wouldn’t want johnny thinking he could skip out on his friendzoned fatherly duties one day if he ever sees the light and makes the mistake of acting in his own interest).
If you watch closely, you’ll notice that JohnnyTampon looks at Ash more than she looks at him, (for her part, she mostly looks at the camera… raging attention whore alert). I can’t decide if the most nauseating part of the video is the strained closing credits hug (all that’s missing are three pats on the back!), or the baby bouncing on dear old nonbiological dad’s lap while he tries to coax a high five out of it.
JohnnyTampon: LITERAL house eunuch.
BOTM Candidate #3 is DownLowRobbie, a beta bordering on omega male who redefines for the feminist Millennial generation what it means for a purported man to date in one’s league.
Down syndrome model Madeline Stuart shares romantic snaps with her boyfriend after triumph at New York Fashion week – as she returns to the Australian catwalk.
“I love your waddle.”
Looking relaxed in a printed black-and-white dress, her signature red hair pulled in to a pony tail, a smiling Madeline leaned in for a kiss.
A clearly smitten Robbie, who just turned 20, pulled his model girlfriend in for a hug, before kissing her again on the cheek.
“his model girlfriend”
Welcome to clown world.
We need a moment of levity. Can you spot the shitlord in this pic?
I don’t know if DownLowRobbie suffers from a mental disorder himself, but if you’re the type of man who honestly believes he can’t do better than an actual retard, then you ARE that type of man. ipso fuckno.
BOTM Candidate #4 is GreenShirtGoof, doing his level best to protect his woman from
rampaging dindus an uneven tan.
This photo wouldn’t be half bad if she was sucking his cock under that shirt. But no. He’s just a tool. How long was he standing there serving as her personal mobile canopy? I bet he “manned up” until his arms burned with the sweet, self-righteous pain of chivalrous virtue.