Many readers sent me this article from CNN.com called “18 things to teach your sons about women”. Juicy lede, eh? Because it was written by a woman attempting to give advice about men, there is much potential for unintended humor. As little as women know about their own natures, they know even less about men’s. I described in this post why this is so:
Since men are [primarily] the chosen in the mating dance, they have to be more aware of reality than do women. If men ignore reality, they risk involuntary celibacy. If a woman looks attractive (which is most of them during their prime fertile years), she can ignore reality to her heart’s content as unicorns and rainbows shower her in cellophane raindrops and still have suitors lined up around the block to fuck her.
So I’m not expecting much. The conventional wisdom has morphed into something resembling the “femifocal wisdom”, what with the mass media infiltrated by and geared toward women, with men being relegated to small outposts like “The World’s Most Dangerous Jobs: Ice Truckers”. Anytime you read an article in a putatively mainstream outlet like CNN, even a front page article, you are actually reading a woman’s warped point of view, which, truth be told, is worse than useless information — reading it will make most men’s lives more miserable.
These 18 bullet points of WHAT WOMEN WANT seem like perfect fodder for the whip-wielders at the Chateau to examine and flay to pieces.
1. Pick your battles.
Surprisingly, the author is off to a reasonable start. Alpha males (you know, the men women find most attractive) don’t sweat the small stuff. Let her win some of the insignificant arguments that don’t matter to you. Of course, you’ll put up a false front that the issue is extremely important to your manly sense of pride, so that when you finally cave she will be awash with gratitude and blowjobs love.
2. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion.
Meh. Standard alpha procedure. The author intuitively understands (under the rubric of chivalry) that not all male body language is created equal. Some positions are more dominant than others. 2 for 2.
3. Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you.
No doubt the author has been called crazy by a man she dated. I haven’t had too many women go postal on me because I correctly noted their crazy-assedness. If the bitch is crazy, it’s one of many appropriate responses. 2 for 3.
4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women.
Is she trying to teach her future son the fine art of living like a eunuch? While this is technically true for cooking and cleaning, (the evidence suggests men are not as psychologically equipped as women for the task of raising small children), in practice men don’t do these things as well as women because they have less interest in doing them. Women need to grasp that their demands for cleaner homes are *their* oddball proclivities; most men are perfectly content letting dust accumulate, books remain unshelved, and toddlers eat their poop. 2 for 4 for teaching your son to be more like a woman. All the furious fembot shrieking to the contrary, chicks don’t dig kitchen bitches, lady.
5. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid.
For what? To fatten her up? 2 for 5.
6. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you –everyone knows they’re not for you.
I actually once had a girlfriend leave me because I wouldn’t go into CVS to buy her tampons. That wasn’t the sole reason for the breakup, of course, but it was one straw too many on the camel’s back. If she’s with you, she buys the feminine products, and you buy the masculine products. This is the way of the universe. To do otherwise is the way of the eunuchracy. 2 for 6.
7. Women like compliments and gifts.
Correction: Women like compliments and gifts in small doses and when least expected. A man must make his woman earn her specialness. I’ll give her this one out of mercy. 3 for 7.
8. Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating.
Put “shouldn’t” in one hand and “but it will” in the other, and see which one fills up first. Exception: If you are a man with game or other positive male attractiveness attributes, you can afford to handicap yourself in relative relationship earning power (RREP). 3 for 8.
9. Be on time, even if she usually isn’t.
Massive correction: Never be on time during the courtship phase, and occasionally be late while in a relationship, even if she usually *is* on time. 3 for 9.
10. Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her.
How about “Don’t be a pouty puppy… ever”? Blatantly obvious. If you hate shopping, smack her ass and tell her to have fun, you’re going golfing. Women tingle ginarrifically for men with limits. 4 for 10.
11. Find out what her favorite flower is.
This is a good one, and true. I have had success recalling my girl’s favorite flower and giving it to her at a later date. It’s a small token of affection that will cost you almost nothing. 5 for 11.
12. If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck.
Never heard this before, but I’d say it’s a bad move to buy her shoes regardless of the karmic retribution. Do you really want to positively reward the blossoming of her latent princess? 6 for 12.
13. Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening.
But they’re close enough for government work. However, most men should do a better job of listening, if for no other reason than that it helps them get out of their heads and into the moment. 7 for 13.
14. It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum.
No, it’s not, unless he knows how to emote like an alpha. 7 for 14.
15. Personality goes a long way.
True, but trite. The author is really putting herself out there! 8 for 15.
16. At some point she’ll be more important than your mother.
I hear this lament from women in the media constantly, but in reality how many men remain stuck at the teat of their mothers? Most men I know hardly ever talk about their moms. Maybe this a racial thing, or a *cough* Jewish thing, but my experience is that the momma’s boy complaint is overblown. 9 for 16 for being so brave to tell a hackneyed truth.
17. You will never completely understand women.
Keep telling yourself that, toots. The lid is blown off this joint. 9 for 17.
18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!
What if she’s pre-Seal Heidi Klum? 9 for 18.
The author, a representess of the gina-soaked conventional wisdom, didn’t do too badly. 50%. With some more study into the true nature of men and women she could bump up to an F+, thereby giving her hypothetical son a chance to avoid getting LJBF’ed for the entirety of his teens and 20s. But if we were grading on a curve, she would earn a zero, because half of her points are so vaguely prosaic that it would be impossible to find fault with them, and the half that have some meat on the bone are horrendously ignorant of reality.