“I only take Viagra when I’m with more than one woman.”

Fame, wealth, and charisma have made Jack Nicholson the heartbreaker of 2,000 women.  At the age of 70, and looking every bit of it, he spends his leisure time in boats with a tumbler in one hand and a bevy of young women draped around him like his royal concubines.  This means Jack is The Man.

I’ve got the biggest tits here.

I can already hear the female chorus of unctuous naysayers.  “Oh, I would *never* sleep with him.  He’s gross!”  “Fame and money don’t matter to me. It’s the man inside that counts.”  “If Jack Nicholson came onto me I’d turn him down.”


You don’t know how you’d act in the company of a major male celebrity, but I can guarantee you it wouldn’t be anything like you say you’d act from the comfort of your bedroom where there is no chance of ever meeting Nicholson.  Virtue is easy when you have no other choice.

A face-to-face meeting between Jack and a good girl who scoffed at the idea that she would submit to his charms would be a sight to behold as she gradually abandoned every one of her principles. 

First, her heart would race.  But she’d try to remain calm and aloof.  After all, she’s not like those starfucking sluts.  Then, Jack would speak.  And it would sound just like all those movies she watched with him in it.  He might even drop a quote or two.  *sqeal*!  Oh boy, her composure is starting to crack.  Maybe Jack might lasciviously angle his body so that his hot Oscar-winning breath blows across her neck and his belly brushes her arm.  He does this with his trademark sunglasses reflecting the light and his shit-eating joker grin exuding total unstoppable confidence.  She no longer notices his belly and man boobs.  Her loins feel like a rainforest. 

She looks around and something she does notice is how many beautiful women are languidly caressing Jack’s body, laughing at his every word, blatantly aroused to the point of orgiastic explosion.  For some inexplicable reason, noticing this turns her on even more.  Parrots and monkeys are swinging through her snatch.  Jack pats his lap.  No words exchanged; she walks over and sits in it.  He smells like drunken old man, but all she can think of is how attractive his eyes are when he squints from the sun.  Minutes later, in the cabin, Jack’s wang is driven in to the hilt.  Heeeere’s little johnny!

A woman’s principles are like an impressionistic painting — beautiful to contemplate from a distance but all over the place once you get up close.


  1. i’d do him… allll day long.. and three times on sunday..


  2. I’m no homo but if he painted his face like The Joker….. I’d probably bang him

    wait what?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you’ll want to contribute your last sentence there to the source. Clueless, of course.

    “She’s a full-on Monet… It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big old mess.”


  4. Her loins feel like a rainforest.

    Tragically, far too many women today are engaged in deforestation :(((

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Those women are sex workers. You would have to be a sex worker to sleep with present day Nicholson.
    You however seem to be QUITE the SEDUCTIVE GENT!!!!!


  6. of course. virtue is bs. men impose the virtue on us, not the other way around. i can’t be the only woman on the planet that makes a man she sees as “boyfriend material” suffer for months, while not even hesitating for a moment to jump right on some other dude. we too see you as the virgin/whore dichotomy.


  7. Extremely accurate. Most women are attracted by money, power and fame, but there are two types of such women. The first type wants to be the “queen to your king” and is looking for the security that such things can give her (and her children eventually). The second type simply wants to evoke jealousy in other women by flaunting her rich, powerful or famous boyfriend/husband. In neither case is the woman necessarily interested in the man on a personal or even physical level, though the existence of such additional points of attraction make it easier for a woman to deny the real reason(s) why she is attracted to a man.

    As Henry Kissinger once said “Power is a great aphrodisiac”


  8. You know what would be really fun?! If we all stopped disecting each other, turned off our nerdboxes and went outside to play! Who is up for a game of Dodgeball?
    Oh wait…. No one has a prayer of a shitty book deal if we do that, huh?
    P.S. WHAT IN THE WORLD did your mothers do to you?


  9. If I was Keith Urban I’d punch the fat fuck in the face.


  10. had no idea about that quote. purely dug up from the crannies of my electric ham.
    kind of cool, tho. the writers of clueless and me on the same wavelength.


  11. Though Jack Nicholson has many years on your sorry ass, I do believe he lost his virginity way before the ripe age of 30. Sorry to say, I believe you found it difficult to consumate the desires of your poorly experienced weiner before the age of 25. By the way, your hair looks like it was cut by a blind hooker. Peace out out you STD infected bitch.

    Oh wait, you’re still only a budding premature virgin.


  12. I love your comment about the impressionistic paintings, that’s too true. Other chicks light up the path to either good dick, loads of cash, or a good tongue guy (either conversationalist or pussy eater but hopefully both). Sometimes that alone will sway you as your female competitive streak kicks in and you go for the gold not so much because you love the track (the guy) but because the other racers need to know who’s the best and getting chosen means your the best.

    Also, people “feel” they must say certain things in front of other people to fit in so it’s hard to know what they’ll really do in certain situations.

    Also Jack has crazy power. Girls like the bad boys and Jack is just an aged version. You look in his eyes and you see every possibility under the sun because he puts no limits on himself or his desires. You know the same could (not will) go for you. You do the mimic thing where everything he thinks you agree with and you copy his vibe and subtly influence him to your wants and get him to think he’s doing his own thing but it’s really your thing. Hopefully, he doesn’t catch you or care if he does and then you two can keep on going. Then you can get whatever you want and the thought of the power you possess through this man is better than sex and is the strongest orgasm you’ll ever have.

    So you see, your description of women’s principles is picturesque I grant you. However, you fail to account for societal constraints, modern-day mating rituals, and the female quest for power and how she pursues her goal.

    Perhaps with some time and a good sensei you’ll get the proper understanding.

    Here’s to hoping you catch the cricket one day.



  13. There’s a talk show on Univision (or Telemundo) called El Gordo y La Flaca — The Fatass and the Beanpole (my translation). This morbidly obese, balding, gray-haired lout gets hot girl guests into a hot-tub in the studio, while he talks to them, often picking them up, etc. I’d bet more than a few have slept with this bloated mutant-slub of a man just due to his status.


  14. “…he spends his leisure time in boats with a tumbler in one hand and a bevy of young women draped around him like his royal concubines. This means Jack is The Man.”

    Oh, for a moment I thought you said young ATTRACTIVE women.

    Take another look at the photo. Is there anything under 27? Skin texture is one of the first things that go on a girl. You like girls over 27 that is your business. You can have them.

    The far one with the coke looks 35-37. The one with her arms out, that’s a “beautiful woman” to you?

    Oh, I get it, these must be the over-weight/over-aged women I am paying to stay away from me.

    They might be sweet women, but if you are so rich and famous why not some hot 18-19 year old UC Berkeley students instead? Afraid of youth and brains perhaps?

    You imagine “how many beautiful women are languidly caressing Jack’s body, laughing at his every word…” but all I see in the picture you yourself provided is a bunch of semi-bored over-aged/overweight women. Honestly.

    You write well, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean you can see very well, and estimating from your over-flattering comments I would have to guess some very average looking women got way too close you and have distorted your vision of what constitutes beauty in a girl.

    Good luck anyway.


  15. i think you’re being too harsh, larry. of the two faces we can see, the blonde looks potentially attractive while the brunette is a 6 or 7. the blonde could easity be in her 20s, it’s just too hard to tell from the photo. the arms-outstretched girl is a bit chubby but not anything to toss out of bed for eating crackers. by skin tone alone, the girl sitting closest to jack with her back to the viewer could be in her early 20s.

    granted, i am american, which means that i am surrounded by american women and that may warp my standards a bit.


  16. Harsh? You should have more respect for yourself. These people – concubines? (Holy God!) Why not just say the famous movie star had 5 much younger women with him on a boat. Who’s going to disagree?

    Look at the photo. You can see only one girl’s complete face. Yet you call them all “…like his royal concubines…” On 4 for 5 you are shooting in the dark. Without seeing a girl’s face you would agree to sleep with her?

    Take the dishwater blonde, look at her her forearm, it looks much more like 30. Not 22. She could be a mother. She might – might – have a pretty face, but skin texture? I don’t think so. The brunette: her upper arm with that muscle mass – it is not difficult to estimate that she’s probably a little too masculine. The arms-outstretched girl could be playful, but her body, well, words fail me. She is huge, and because of her large body mass is she would not be too coordinated at moving into various positions on the bed. She’s just too big to move quick/often. My guess is she would not be very motivated in bed to try 20 positions.

    Where we agree is on the one with the towel wrapped around her waist. Her back has a delicious curve to it, the left side of her waist curves inwards – very female – and her back has an inviting lack of muscle mass, 3 great signs. Plus her neck looks interesting, young. Plus she is wearing her hair lower than the blonde and the fat one, which means she might be more female. Another possible plus. I also agree with you on her possible age. That in my estimate is likely the only one salvagable from the crew.

    The one furthest left: estimating from her wide back and right shoulder, she is probably as large, or even larger (!) than the arms-outstretched girl, and it is more than possible she would have the same mobilization issues in the bed.

    if you look at the photo I still say all those women look semi-bored. The guy on the right is reading a magazine, the blonde is looking out to sea, the one facing is playing with something in her fingers, the fat one may be playing with the movie man, but the other 2 look like they are just sitting there, looking uninvolved. 1 for 5. Hopefully the room performance is less uninvolved.

    “..may warp my standards a bit.” The bottom-line question is who set those standards. Remember unattractive over-weight over-aged women have every reason to keep you stationary and hence over-influence/decide standards of beauty for you.



  17. Larry, you obviously have no sexual experience. The problem with positions is almost never a woman’s weight. It’s a man’s ass/legs strength. A relatively fat woman is still usually light compared to a man because muscle weighs more.

    More gym time = fewer complaints about women’s weight who you aren’t even shagging. If you can’t afford it, or don’t feel you have the time, do what I did when I was struggling, and just lift heavy household objects until your refrigerator isn’t so heavy anymore.

    Don’t hate on the man who capitalizes on a treasure that you ignore. You could have lots of women around you too if you liked women.


  18. […] but the pressure of writing an email is so unbearable that I’m doing it this way instead. One contains the best picture of Jack Nicholson ever, and the other a rather novel take on yo momma […]


  19. there are 5 women and 3 men and no hint nicholson is dating any of them based on that pic alone

    the one sitting in the mid has the biggest tits btw