Comment Of The Week

From esteemed commenter Rollo Tomassi:

The ugly secret to a successful and healthy LTR/Marriage that women both hate and need in spades can be summed up in two words:

Competition Anxiety

This one element inspires the hottest sex, the closest sense of appreciation, and the greatest ambient threat that women need to base their self-worth on by association with their committed lover. Every item on this list can, by degrees, be mitigated by maintaining an ever-present, subconscious awareness that you are a sought after commodity.

Every element of Game still plays a critical role in an LTR; it only differs in it’s application. Every divorce I know of was the result of anxiety being replaced by comfort.

This is exactly right. You want to rejuvenate a flagging LTR or (heaven forbid) marriage? Make her sweat a bit. Flirt with other women. Make sure your girlfriend or wife sees you or hears of you holding company with enraptured female admirers. The Chateau wrote a post about instilling dread in your lover to keep the love red hot. It was, naturally, criticized by the sputtering Jizzebel contingent, the limp-noodled betas and the apoplectic standard bearers of conventional lies. A heady, bracing truth has that effect on losers and weirdos.

Comfort and contentment may be pleasurable goals in the short term, but over the long term they sabotage any relationship. Take your comfort in small doses, and keep it spiced with the anxiety of loss. Her inflamed vulva will thank you.





Comments


  1. Your LTR isn’t going to believe that you have female admirers, even if she sees you with them, if you look like a beta schlub. Get to the gym, buy some new clothes, etc… The better you look, the more insecure she will feel about herself as compared to you (and the women your new look will attract). Married women aren’t immune to this tactic, even if they do have the upper hand in divorce court. To take advantage of this upper hand, a married woman would actually have to play the divorce card – and she won’t if her husband is looking more and more like a good catch. At the outset, and to salve her ego, she may try to sabotage your efforts at improvement. If you endure this initial salvo, she’ll have no choice but to keep up.

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    • A man should guide his womans appearance. Don’t just let her play catch up. Tell her what to wear. Forbid her to wear frumpy clothes. Tell her to go to the gym. Tell her to lose weight.

      She should have sexy house attire. Her outfit will encourage a state of mind.

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      • “Her outfit will encourage a state of mind.”

        I’ve always suspected this Xsy. Womens’ attire is a much overlooked aspect of female analysis. This is probably why froo froo fashion designers have so much ascendancy over women of all conditions. Control a woman’s wardrobe and you control her pussy maybe?

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      • Her house attire should be her uniform. A uniform is like architecture – it speaks a silent yet powerful language. What do you want her uniform to say?

        I want mine to say “sexy french maid”, with a dash of “hot devoted lover”.

        This LTR technique is key, gentlemen.

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  2. this does not work on all women.

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    • agreed. this is dangerous business and can cause a woman to leave a marriage because she thinks you are going to cheat. or worse.. she cheats first.

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    • If you are a woman, you will never know what works.

      If you are a man, this may cause brinksmanship. The woman may start to pack bags. What you do is ignore her just up to the point where she is at the door, then grab her, throw her on the bed, and fuck like a mechanical pony.

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  3. Now that I have a gf I get IOI’s from all sorts of women in my social circle who know her but aren’t friends with her.

    But my question is how to convert without it ever getting backing to my gf.

    These women all love to gossip and one false beta move could make it seem like it was some awkward “joke” that went too far with me “falling for” that joke—which could be her Anti-slut defense.

    Last week, I was at a party. A girl who’s married but who’s clearly not getting any action from hubby always gives me major IOI’s.

    She asked if I was drinking a beer.

    I laughed and said “it’s a grown up drink…what are you asking about that for?”

    Her: I’m not a kid anymore…

    Me: oh…well, you can get the first round.

    Her: stunned silence. Big smile. Not knowing what to do or if I was serious.

    How could I have made this more her idea to take me for a drink?

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  4. Machiavelli asked the question first, and better:

    http://www.constitution.org/mac/prince17.htm

    CHAPTER XVII: Concerning … Whether It Is Better To Be Loved Than Feared

    Machiavelli/Tomassi, Tomayto/Tomahto. (Tomayssi/Tomahssi?)

    Of course, Signore Niccolo completely outclasses Signore Rollo when he goes on to say:

    I conclude therefore that, fortune being changeful and mankind steadfast in their ways, so long as the two are in agreement men are successful, but unsuccessful when they fall out. For my part I consider that it is better to be adventurous than cautious, because fortune is a woman, and if you wish to keep her under it is necessary to beat and ill-use her; and it is seen that she allows herself to be mastered by the adventurous rather than by those who go to work more coldly. She is, therefore, always, woman-like, a lover of young men, because they are less cautious, more violent, and with more audacity command her.

    The question remains, though. Who wants to live a life of “anxiety”? It is exhausting, deadening, yielding the post-traumatic stress you see on every stripper’s face.

    Keep your ladies on their toes. Keep them guessing. Keep it mysterious. Don’t be afraid to make them afraid. Yes, yes, yes, yes. But that is a tactic, one tool in the toolbox, not a lasting foundation for a relationship. No wonder why putative PUAs are so baffled by LTRs. Their tricks of the trade eventually lose their effectiveness, and they have no answer for how to transition into the next stage — a.k.a. age gracefully. Everyone is going to age and enervate. The only question is how you go into “that good night.” Gentle, or raging against the dying of the light.

    You can’t neg a girl into love. You might knock the hamster off its wheel and disorient its keeper for a time, but eventually she gets to know you. And that’s nothing to be feared, gentlemen. Unless, that is, you are an empty schlub with nothing but surfaces and trickery.

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  5. Yep. The hottest six months of sex in my last LTR was AFTER I moved out. Sadly, I had not yet learned enough game to keep it going but that was a valuable lesson learned.

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  6. @King A

    I don’t think it’s exhausting really, I am constantly wondering where those first magic months of uncertainty went, along with all the fun. It’s not a foundation, it’s a perspective. Don’t take or be taken for granted.

    My personal solution if I were to marry would by polygamy. Lazy man’s jealousy game.

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    • Morgan:

      Uncertainty, anxiety, fear, even violence are ways to keep the momentum flowing. But they can be fatal (to the relationship) in concentrated doses and enervating in regular if small doses. Fast poison is horrific death, slow poison is gradual catatonia. Measured poison is inoculation and immunity.

      The point being, it can’t all be trickery and game. Game is the spice, the marinade on the steak. If the purpose of the relationship is mere mutual amusement — the highest virtue offered by the philosophy of this blog — then the expiration date is built in (hence the schizophrenic approach to LTRs here). Amusement is not sufficient or even necessary to success; it is ancillary, a byproduct, a side effect. There are indeed higher virtues upon which to build a life, virtues the author of this site is too timid to contemplate.

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      • “The point being, it can’t all be trickery and game. Game is the spice, the marinade on the steak. If the purpose of the relationship is mere mutual amusement — the highest virtue offered by the philosophy of this blog — then the expiration date is built in (hence the schizophrenic approach to LTRs here). Amusement is not sufficient or even necessary to success; it is ancillary, a byproduct, a side effect. There are indeed higher virtues upon which to build a life . . .

        This. By God, there are still men out there who understand the value of a real marriage.

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  7. Thanks for the reminder

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  8. It’s actually life itself that requires the successful creation and mitigation of eustress and distress. Anxiety is only one flavor. Dread, regret, loathing, helplessness. All of these must be coupled properly with corresponding positive emotions.

    If I shit in everyones cheerios by instilling dread there’s no fun in that. Dread makes people weak, gooey. I want my targets to be at the pinnacle of their game and still feeling everything I want them to feel.

    That’s where most people make their mistake in an LTR. Make yourself priceLESS, not high price and you will always be that person the girl gives all of herself to. If you can’t make a girl do that, friendzone her. Find the 100% wins, not the 77% wins, not the 33% wins but she makes me cum buckets.

    100%.

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  9. Again, this verifiable tactic only yet again proves how fucked-up women are.
    As it did ages ago with the adage, treat a lady like a whore.

    It seems, there really is nothing new under the sun.
    Even THAT adage, too.

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    • “It seems, there really is nothing new under the sun.
      Even THAT adage, too.”

      Human nature hasn’t really changed that much from our ape ancestors.

      And Dread is a powerful aphrodisiac.

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  10. on July 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm Rollo Tomassi

    Their tricks of the trade eventually lose their effectiveness, and they have no answer for how to transition into the next stage

    I’ll be sure to bring this topic up with my wife on our 15th anniversary this month.

    Whenever I discuss the virtues of Competition Anxiety with the uninitiated (see white knight beta identifiers) the initial rejection usually revolves around a melodramatic argument like this:

    Who wants to live a life of “anxiety”? It is exhausting, deadening, yielding the post-traumatic stress you see on every stripper’s face.

    The problem is that they assume a man must continually keep up some act; some grand, emotionally manipulative ruse bordering on physical abuse for the durration of their relationship. They think that applying competition anxiety requires some constant effort and that no relationship worth being in would make it’s participants so uncomfortable – why can’t they just be themselves?

    What they fail to grasp is that the same principles that make Game effective while single, need to have subtly become default aspects of their personality when in an LTR or marriage. Emphasis on the word “subtly” There’s an art to conveying to a woman that you are a continuing commodity without grossly overstating it.

    The matrix-think is that no self-respecting woman would ever allow herself to be so manipulated in the face of such overt and blatantly flaunted anxiety inducing abuse. Which would be true if you were to overtly do so long enough. However the art is in applying competition anxiety covertly. This is what separates a good PUA from a newly recovering AFC, he knows that women love subcommunications. Nothing strokes a woman’s ego so much as her thinking she’s figured a guy out using her (mythical) feminine intuition. Being covert in delivering his message stimulates this, however the message is the same; he’s a commodity that other women will compete with her for.

    Applying Game, engendering subte feelings of competition anxiety, doesn’t have to be nearly as exhausting as most detractors would have you think. In fact it’s almost easier to apply in an LTR with a woman who knows you intimately than with one who’s unfamiliar with your personality. Human beings are instilled with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Behavior that seems inconsistent or without obvious purpose will keep them off-balance and fires the imagination.

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    • He’s right. It’s not that difficult. In fact it’s really easy.

      The key is knowing that the attention you give to a woman is inherently valuable. Once you believe this, communicating to your woman that she is the lucky one, not you, will cease to be a manipulation.

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    • @Rollo, as always you nail it….any examples of how to apply this subtly?

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    • Rollo Tomassi:

      Then maybe the word “anxiety” is inapt. It implies an edginess that you don’t intend.

      The point of the Machiavelli blurb is to wonder which is the more effective method of maintenance — positive or negative reinforcement? Machiavelli, like you, comes down on the side of negative. Given the choice, the stick is more effective than the carrot. But he has plenty of good things to say about the positive even as he is declaring it relatively inferior. “[O]ne should wish to be both [feared and loved], but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with.”

      The problem isn’t so much about using fear effectively, the problem is using it to the exclusion of other tools in the absence of dire necessity. You implied a kind of monomania (“oneitis” or “pedastalizing” the principle of “Competition Anxiety”) in your use of superlatives: “This one element inspires the hottest sex, the closest sense of appreciation, and the greatest ambient threat that women need to base their self-worth on….”

      Despite his conclusive answer, Machivelli’s inquiry is still an open question. And even if creating anxiety is the more effective than, say, creating a sense of safety, it still comes with costs that we’d be wise to acknowledge.

      Everyone learned in English class that conflict is an essential element of drama. A movie without conflict is a boring ordeal you want to walk out of. Same can be said about relationships. But unlike motion picture narratives, relationships contain more than drama. They constitute drama and comedy and mundane necessity (and maybe even … self-sacrifice?). If we want to talk in superlatives, the very best a relationship can be, then we have to speak about more than one element, even if one of those elements, as you claim, tends to dominate the others.

      Obviously you wrote under a different context and did not intend it to be a complete evaluation. But if this blog is going to pedestalize your quote in its own separate post, well then, let’s test its merits completely.

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    • “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” — Simone Weil

      That has been my experience as well, all along the spectrum, including relatively innocuous anxiety games. We broadly have two options: We can foster a state of unease to get our way or we can develop a state of trust. The best plan of action is a deliberately well-considered mixture of both. But the latter yields a kind of reward that is hard to convey and easily dismissed. The former is visceral pathos, easily sympathized-with via broad strokes, and it sells itself — there is a reason we have a horror genre with all of its cheap thrills but no sharply-defined “trust” genre.

      If you are addicted to the quick high and the easy score, trust is no match for anxiety. Trust has to be earned; anxiety merely induced by reminding a person of the massive unknown that forms the backdrop of all human relationships — how well can you ever really know a person? How certain are you that he won’t put a pillow over your face as you sleep? Etc.

      But how many people can speak with authority about the benefits of trust earned over, say, your 15-year relationship? And of those who have seen the benefits, how many can adequately convey their advantages to someone at the heady beginning of a relationship?

      Those of us who have come from intact homes have at least two examples of “it’s better to be loved than feared.” Those of you who are refugee victims of the divorce culture may understandably be skeptical that there can be any sensibility in the unconditional devotion of a parent to child, much less the voluntary unconditional devotion of spouses. No, the Death-Do-Us-Parters can only appear to be sad naive dupes given a set of presumptions based on broken childhoods.

      The idea of trust is mocked on these blogs as a rule. For the most part, that’s fine, since above all the beta needs a slap upside his dick for selling that trust too cheaply. And yet, trust deserves an advocate even here, if only to be shot down, dismembered, and sold for parts. If we don’t speak of it explicitly it comes to the surface anyway, sometimes in incongruous sentimentalities, like in the original post to which you replied, “The Hazards of Long Term Relationships,” where we were encouraged to set aside the quick rewards of same-day conquests and contemplate the long view.

      It’s not like PUAs ever made an adequate case against the idea of a single long-term relationship for the rest of one’s life to the exclusion of all others. Rather they simply assert the idea to be impossible (“scientifically proven”!) and therefore not worth pursuing at all. So, they counsel, we are wise to each direct his efforts to achieving the next best thing, i.e., variegated and superficial memory hoarding, sensory indulgence, and looting the joint for a thrill before the reaper catches up with us.

      The primacy of your anxiety-cheerleading is a product of the false assumption that not only can we do no better, but we deserve no better. Yes, your fifteen-year marriage is evidence that anxiety is the spice on an otherwise solid plate of comfort food. But it also stands testament to other silent virtues that are taken for granted in places like these. Or is your marriage one, giant, sustained deception liable to collapse the moment you cease running game?

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    • Finally, everyone can do themselves a big favor by dropping the casual ad hominem, both subtle (“uninitiated,” “white knight beta identifiers,” “melodramatic”) and overt (“silence, feminist mangina,” “whatever fag” etc.). As if clarity in internet commentary can stand us adding to the already massive, sucking maw of easy online contempt.

      We get it, you don’t agree. But your quick criticism is born of presumption: what do you really know about us faceless commenters? Don’t so loudly advertise your partial understanding of the discussion. There are good conversations going on down here in the trenches … if you can manage to follow them … and — the bigger question — if you can keep your twitchy finger off the scroll wheel and caps-lock key.

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  11. Game works anecdote of the day.

    Text from the GF

    “Thank god you don’t sing my praises”

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  12. on July 7, 2011 at 5:16 pm Cinco Jotas

    Rollo has given an excellent and well-thought out piece of advice, however, I think he misses one key point…

    Just as men want to be with women other men desire, so too do women want to be with men other women desire.

    A woman who fears she may have a rival is a woman who can also take some pride in knowing that she has something of value.

    Do not underestimate the pleasure to be found in making others envious of your possessions or relationships. For a woman, having a beta herb husband is like a being a man who drives a battered Yugo. There’s no pleasure or pride in it.

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  13. Justify my love, babe… and they’re only gonna get younger, hotter and tighter out there!

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  14. It sounds exhausting. A constant, measured, never-ending battle to be as sexy as possible to as many women as possible … while remaining committed to one woman. Might as well date around, as a LTR. Same effort required for both, more sex.

    Rest assured our grandfathers did not need to this to stay married.

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    • “Might as well date around, as a LTR. Same effort required for both, more sex.”

      How many guys here are getting sex 3-5 nights week dating around?

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      • I did, back in the summer of ’08. But it took a lot of time, I mean it was basically a full-time job. And lots of money. Even if you’re not paying for their shit all that much, you still are doing new things all the time which take money.

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      • Me too…when I first separated from my now ex-wife, I had 3 women on the go. At Christmas I banged each one consecutively on different days.

        It was exhausting. Also, it worked because I really didn’t care and they did.

        Now that I have a gf, I still get offers, but it’s like golf. If I know I can bang them, it’s a “gimme”…

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  15. UnfortunatleyI think thhis is true, that a woman or anybody would want something that others want. BUT it sort of strikes to be beta t me, sort of jealosy game, i have experienced it coming from women, trying to force me to comitt, etc.
    I feel it is dangerous, i have always worked to keep my flirting, women and other encounters hiddin no matter what. A women will know what other options you have by the way u carry yourself. I have never been thhe one to flaunt it, because the mystery hurts even more, hamster running wild trying to figure out, AND swearing i have a harem of women outside our ltr, but with no physical proof.

    This no need to worry about accusations of blantant flirting or leading on other women.

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  16. on July 7, 2011 at 10:42 pm The Most Interesting Man in the World

    Note to self: Neg the Princess of Wales

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  17. I was told a story of a 30 something married woman with kids who had stacked on the weight.

    On day one of her kids innocently blurted out … “Mum … you’re fat!”

    Her hamster wheel went into overdrive.

    She hit the gym, dieted and in about six months was looking better than when she had been married.

    Within a year she was filing for divorce.

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  18. Respect, Rollo. Respect.

    Competition anxiety, you nailed it. Every happy woman I have ever seen has been with a man who has kept her imagination captive. She needs to be in constant fear that other women will outbid her. She needs to squeal about this with her girlfriends with two hands on her coffee cup, and obsess about him every day.

    This is the modern woman. Unadulterated, unfiltered, pure narcissism.

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  19. Not that I’m complaining or anything, but some topics REALLY get overly-repeated around here. I mean, how many posts have we had about dread by now? 20?

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  20. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.- Henry Kissinger

    With this little phrase he proves himself not just a master in Realpolitik but also a master in Realromantik. Just look at the little gnome walking like a pimp in this picture: http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/pb-110119-statedinner-01.photoblog900.jpg.

    Realromantik (from German: real “realistic”, “practical” or “actual”; and romantik “romance”) refers to seduction based primarily on power and on practical and material factors and considerations, rather than ideological notions or moralistic or ethical premises.

    I believe that Mystery wrote that the person that is the most willing to walk away from a relationship is the one that has all the power in the relationship. This is why marriage is such a threat for men. On the other hand men that are able to flee from a LTR gone sour into the bosom of their well-endowed concubine tend to hold all the cards in their relationship. Sheathed swords have their uses aslong as the user is believed to be able and willing to unsheath it.

    A thing I have noticed recently is how if one were to apply (operant) conditioning to humans it would basically result in game. Rewarding desireable behaviour such as submission with positive stimulus (preferably your penis or cocky humour) while punishing undesireable behaviour by removing your attention/presence or negging is fairly similiar to the principles espoused by gaming. I have done a few trial runs and the results were quite pleasing.

    Women have used the basic principles quite succesfully through the use of their vagina as a tool for rewarding beta behaviour. Historically speaking married men had the right to sleep with their wife whenever they pleased and if the female was unwilling he had the right to divorce her with minimal consequences or punish her. Modern no-fault divorces have basically given women their molding tool back. Combine this with the obliviousness of modern man and the results were rather predictable.

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  21. My personal experience with righting a recently faltering marriage tells me that Rollo’s advice is golden.

    Women build a significant portion of their attraction based on social proof. My wife often comes to me saying things about how some woman that we know thinks I’m funny or “just had to come talk to you”. The look on her face is always one of accomplishment. Like she is the lucky one for having me.

    Do not discount Rollo’s advice just because you are afraid of what a woman will do if she sees you flirting. There may be an initial flame of jealousy from your woman but play it cool and just watch what happens afterwards. That flame will fuel her desire.

    Don’t hide your sexuality. Stop pretending that you don’t want other women. Your woman will respect you for valuing yourself and being honest about the fact that you are a sexual creature.

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    • Don’t hide your sexuality. Stop pretending that you don’t want other women. Your woman will respect you for valuing yourself and being honest about the fact that you are a sexual creature.

      Shit-test:”Am I getting fat”
      Shit destroyer: after a moments careful gaze “A bit. Lose some weight.”

      Shit-test: “You want to fuck her, don’t you!”
      Shit destroyer: “Of course I do. I’m a man.”

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  22. on July 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm Thor's Screwdriver

    Here is a good example:

    I was spending the weekend with my current LTR. She started asking those telling questions about where I could see myself in 5 years, do you ever see yourself getting married again (no) etc. I gave her my answers based on what I was feeling at that time and by the look on her face, I could see they were not what she wanted to hear. She got into a little funk and distant so we went back to my place for a mediocre session and then she went home.

    Later that weekend, we met up at her local pool with some of her friends. It was a public place and there were a few 5’s and 6’s floating around and one girl who was an 8+ (from a distance anyway) She was probably in her early 20’s, tall with a perfectly flat stomach and her bikini really accentuated her body. She definitely had the eyes of everyone, male and female, at the pool.

    I was swimming around and we bumped into each other, actually, she was the one who swam into me.This was in plain view of my girl and her friends. We had a polite conversation for a minute or so, I teased her that she could have hurt me because I am so fragile. She laughed and teased back. She wasn’t as attractive close up but she sounded like she was from Eastern Europe. I know I have a look that those girls like. I am always being told that I look like Ed Norton from American History X and the Eastern European girls apparently love the strong, angry Nazi look. FYI, I am neither angry or a Nazi but my natural face position is a slight frown.

    So, I end my conversation and swam back to my girl and her group of friends. My girl, who is also cute and has a great body but is closer to my age, could not get close enough. She held onto me to well past the point of being annoying. Shortly thereafter, we went back to her place and had a really great session and another in the morning.

    For all of the womyn, betas and haters, note that in this true-life example, I did absolutely nothing inappropriate as far as my LTR is concerned, yet there is no doubt that my girl’s anxiety regarding her possible competition caused her swoop in and protect ‘her turf’. I think another reason is that she was taking me for granted and reminded her that she should appreciate me more than she has.

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